How long?

[Guest]

I have only had one boyfriend and I'm still with him. He, however, has had lots of girlfriends in the past, and I know he's over them, but as I've never experience breaking up with someone and getting over someone I care about, I find it hard to really comprehend. So I was wondering, how long do you think it really takes someone to get over their ex? Cos sometimes I feel jealous about the other girls, especially the one before me who he got together with almost as soon as they met and split up with a year before he started dating me, and I hate the idea that she might have still been fresh in his mind or that he still thought about her.

 

Also, he's still friends with some of his exes, and while I dont feel threatened about them, I dont understand how he can still be friends with someone he used to care about. How can he see them or hear their voices and not remember what it was like to be with them, to have sex with them, what they looked like naked, or just the times they spent having fun? He said to me at the beginning of our relationship, wasnt it better to try and if possible remain friends when the relationship ended, but I hate the thought that they may be active reminders of when they were together (and especially when they had sex- I seem to have a particular problem with this, even though I'm a girl and girls are meant to get more upset about emotional attachments than sexual).

 

So, what I'm asking is, how long does it take to get over someone and have many of you remained friends with your exes? Can you really do it without reminders of when you were lovers, not friends? Didnt your next partners feel jealous that your exes were still in your lives? Thanks very much for your help!

[LilMiss Intimidation]

Well, they say it takes you half the time to get over someone than the time you were going out. Does that make sense to you. So far I believe this. I went out with someone for 3 years and it's been a year and a half since he broke up with me and I can honestly say I'm over him. I mean, I still care about him but I don't love him. I can move on and be with someone else now.

 

As far as friendship goes. I think it depends. Since he broke up with me and I still loved him, it was hard for us to be friends. But it could've been easy for him cuz he didn't have feelings for me anymore. It's hard but if you truly want to stay friends, it's something you have to work at.

 

As far as jealousy. He moved on and found someone else. I was jealous but I don't know if she was jealous of me. I didn't stay friends with him long enough to find out.

 

Good luck.

[Wantingtogetitright]

it is all circumstantial.

 

If you end the relationship because you don't want to be with that person any longer then most of the time the grieving is done before you do the final finishing.

 

If not your choice it is how you deal with it that reflects the time, wallowing, or constantly trying to get them back etc etc only prolongs the pain.

 

If cheated on, pretty quickly you get over them as they have hurst you so deeply but it is not them you are getting over it is the hurt caused.

 

Make sense?

 

Quite simply you set your own timetable.

 

Your own insecurities are what cause you to wonder about how he feels about his exes. Don't make them an issue in the relationship unless he has given you cause to doubt.

 

He has chosen to be with you and you with him so take this and sinply go with it. Don't look back only look to the present and tomorrow. Make every memory a good one as much as you can and know that every new memory he makes with youand you with him will build on knocking out the past.

 

Often someone's past makes them realise what they dont want which is why they pick you as you are not like them. They are past, they failed which means he is available for you. If they weren't exes you wouldn't be with him now would you.

 

My partner is friends with a couple of his exes, and only as friends, if you can share so much with someone and part amicably but still care what happens in the other ones life and realise that you quite simply didn't work as a couple then it shows a real depth or maturity and compassion. whilst I am still not totally comfortable with this I am learning that I have nothing to fear from it.

 

Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel and as long as he remains open about them and doesn't deliberately exclude you then it is all good.

[loggrad98]

You can search for retroactive jealousy on LS and find a lot of entries, one of mine as well. I am in a similar situation...my wife had been with guys before me and I had never really been with anyone, and definitely never had sex with anyone other than her. Knowledge of her previous relationships was very hard for me to deal with and we have actually started counseling to help me get past it.

 

It is a very difficult and nebulous thing. Both irrational and understandable at the same time. Especially, I think, when you pair up someone who has had little experience with someone who has had a lot of experience. However it can affect anyone, regardless of their level of experience. I think after some counseling that it has a something to do with perceived level of connection or commitment being different from one person to the other. If you feel like you have a deep connection to him, but that his connection to you is more casual, you are more likely to deal with retroactive jealousy.

 

However, I do not think it is that weird to want to be the only woman in his world, and to want him to move on and show you that you are the only woman in his world. Something that I could not understand when I first got married is that my wife kept a huge box full of photos of her previous boyfriends. I asked her about it, but did not pressure her to do anything, and she got really defensive. She said that they did not represent old boyfriends, but rather just memories. I could not understand why she might want to sit down with old photos, now that she was with me, and remember past dates and "other stuff". Eventually it came out that it was bothering me and she got rid of some of them, but it was something of a bone of contention between us for a while early on in our marriage. In fact, recently in our counseling, now after 15 years of marriage, she conceded that she still felt resentment toward me for "forcing" her to get rid of those pictures. That is something, like you, that I cannot fathom because I have never really been in any other situations.

 

What this tells me is that maybe you need to play the field a bit more. It sounds like he is not interested in something long term if he told you at the beginning of the relationship that he wants to be friends when it ends. He is planning on it ending. Have a talk with him, something I waited far to long to do that may really hurt my marriage, and make sure he is someone you want to be with long term, or if you are content being another of his conquests.

 

It still blows me away how casual people can be about sexual and emotional relationships. I know that is mostly my inexperience talking, but how you can be so much into someone to give them such a private piece of yourself and then just move on is something I can't understand, but to save my marriage I am trying to understand it and get past it.

 

Don't commit to anything long term until you resolve these feelings somewhat. I can tell you that it can haunt you far longer than you might think.

 

Just be careful.

[Carbine]

They're his ex's for a very good reason. No matter how well they got along and how good they looked naked, it still wasn't enough to make him stay in the relationship.