Why Do Women Do This?

[icebreaker]

Hello All,

 

Okay, I'm completed confused by a coworker's/friend's behavior. At one time, I had strong interest in her but it tapered off. This is after I realized it was going nowhere, and it only stroked her ego. Also, she has a bf but she was activily pursuing me, which I later realized might be just for the attention.

 

I pretty much cut back on my contact with her and any interaction is now being initiated by her. This works out fine for me. Lately she has been approaching me more frequently. In particular, first thing in the a.m. or late afternoon. Wanting to go on breaks and spend time with me. Coincidently, her wanting to hang out has increased. Once she learned I was seeing a few ladies and how we went on some unique memorable dates.

 

Every single time I see her, she wants to bring my relationships up. What's their names? How do you know them? Did you meet them on Myspace? I often tell her I don't want to share much information because I consider it personal. Not to mention I don't trust her enough. When she questions me, it is with a slight jealous sarcastic undertone. She went so far as accusing me of being a "perv" because in her "mind" I was having sex with both of them. Although I never once disclosed or suggested whether or not I was physically intimate with either. I should also say she speaks openly about sex, but I'm this evil person who is supposively sleeping with two different ladies. She has shared more about her bf but it seems more as a way to get me to disclose more to her about my love life.

 

Even in my conversation with her, I told her she could have gone on the same dates but she has continuously flaked on me that I don't ask her. So, what does she expect? Her response was. She says no because I'd think it was a date.

 

What I don't understand is even though I do the following:

 

I don't ask her out on dates. Whether it's for lunch or break.

 

I'm nice to her and give her a heavy dose of respect.

 

I do compliment her, but in a manner which is polite and uplifting. I might tell her I like a particular color on her (She'll wear the color the next day). Or I make mention how much I like her make up.

 

I don't come across as needy, clingy, etc. If anything, I respect her relationship with her supposive bf. Although today she spoke more about her ex-bf than the current one.

 

Lastly, I've been a great support system for her sharing my insights and just trying to encourage her to, in general, to live a full life.

 

So why is it that she's got to throw these zingers at me? Treat me like a bf without the relationship? On the outside I'm as calm as can be and very able to just brush her behavior to the side, but when I have time to think about what she says, it gets me going..

 

Part of me wants to pull her aside and tell her if she's interested, she needs to come forward. Or if she's not, then stop these little mind games she plays. I mean today, she went to a birthday luncheon and I suppose she thought I was going to be there because she asked for me. My buddies even said she would bring me up. Something to do with me checking another female out. Obviously I'm on her mind. As she is on mine. I just feel we are wasting each other's time doing this little dance that has dragged out for too long.

 

I know it's the fear of losing you thing, but for God's sake, why is it some women want to act this way?

[whichwayisup]

I do compliment her, but in a manner which is polite and uplifting. I might tell her I like a particular color on her (She'll wear the color the next day). Or I make mention how much I like her make up.

 

STOP feeding her ego. You two are friends, there's no need to continually tell her how nice she looks. Do you do that with male friends?

 

You backed off, and she came looking for you. This always happens when someone pursues another, then the "someone" backs off and shows less interest. Sometimes it gets the attention of the other person, and makes them more interested in pursuing a relationship, but in your case, she liked the ego stroke. It's not malcious, but it definately makes her feel good that you react to her...She's jealous and only wants YOU to be into her, even though she isn't into you that way...Attention!!

 

Oh and men do the same thing, this is just a way of life when people enjoy flirting and games of ego.

[Wantingtogetitright]

and if you answer this honestly you have the answer to all of the above.

 

Would you want a girlfriend who whilst with you was actively pursuing other men, flirting, teasing etc etc?

[JCD]

I have a coworker like this one and she is exactly that flirting, attention type. For a while I was on an emotional roller coaster with her. I tried being nice, mean, everything in between. So I just decided to ignore her and start looking for a normal girl. I suggest you do the same but I do understand how addictive their drama is. I also noticed that they simply can not be without a boyfriend. They don't know who they are and can not be independent.

[icebreaker]

She's jealous and only wants YOU to be into her, even though she isn't into you that way...Attention!!

 

I guess this is the essence of my question. Why is it people who don't want you, also don't want other people to have you?

 

Yeah, I'm giving her good attention and nothing's changed in that respect. There isn't a drop off in stroking her ego. Well, that's not true. But she does get her ego stroked when I feel like it. However, she tries to make me feel like crap because I'm concerned about my needs and not hers. We have nothing and she insists there is nothing, which is fine. The next question is how does one tell her her behavior is inappropriate, and not very considerate of my needs? Given that she doesn't seem like the type to accept it very receptively.

 

Would you want a girlfriend who whilst with you was actively pursuing other men, flirting, teasing etc etc?

 

Of course not... But often times, people who do such things are looking to end their existing relationship and move on and usually do those things to attract the man they are interested in. I imagine most people don't transition to another relationship unless they have another to start another relationship with. In the beginning I placed her in this category because I thought that is where this was heading and wanted to see how it developed. I realize it is not the case. Now, that I'm not so into her, she needs to basically accept that I'm moving on.

 

I have a coworker like this one and she is exactly that flirting, attention type. For a while I was on an emotional roller coaster with her. I tried being nice, mean, everything in between. So I just decided to ignore her and start looking for a normal girl.

 

In the brief words you wrote here, I can relate so well to. This is where I'm at, too. And this is maybe the premise of my original question. How does one deal with someone like this after you've decided to take the steps to move on? Did your coworker accept it well, or were there some issues that developed?

 

You see, I can look for that new girl without having to ignore her. I can accept that it's not going to happen, but she might be having some difficulty doing the same. In a sense, I'm telling her put up or shut up. Although, I believe we have long passed this stage or at least I have. She might be baffled because I'm no longer under her spell.

[Spoonandfork22]

UGH GROSS!! I know TOO MANY GIRLS who do this to nice guys and its just completely wrong to do. I know a girl right now who, for a lack of a better term, will mindscrew a guy just to make herself feel better. If the guy shows her attention and makes her feel great, shell feed off that, but wants nothing more. Shell just string him along. However, as soon as the guy starts dating someone she freaks out and acts like she really liked them and then moves in on sabotaging the guys potential relationship. Sadly Ive seen the guys destroy a good thing because they think they have a chance with her, but as soon as she sees she has them again, she wants nothing from them.

 

Its the classic case of 'wanting what you cant have'. I think you see this a lot in guys (thrill of the chase) but I think its also prevalent in a girls behavior.

 

Let this girl go. Shes bad news. Especially when she has a BOYFRIEND. what are you DOING? (im meaning her, not you). Girls like this, as you have already stated, cant be trusted. Keep it friends, thats the best route you can go. You will find someone who respects you enough to care about your feelings and not thier own insecurities.

[Sevenmack]

Forget friends altogether. She's a needy chick who uses the attention of men to feed her unsatiated ego. And she's got a boyfriend. You're looking for a girlfriend and wasting time on someone who will give you nothing but an image to which you can jerk your chicken. Dump her, fill your life with some career-building activities, date around. And if you have to, check out some porn for jerk-off material.

[Guest]

Sevenmack is right! I'm a girl, and let me tell you, when you meet a girl you really like and if this girl is still hanging around because you let her, expect to see her posts on the Loveshack forums complaining that your "friendship" with that attention seeling troublemaker makes her want to break up with you.

 

Do yourself and your future gf a favor, remove her now by being cold and unresponsive, your future Gf will thank me.

 

[JCD]

My experience is that as long as one has feelings for the girl, it's very hard to be just friends. My suggestion to you is to treat her politely but keep distance. In another words don't be mad at her nor shower her with affection and compliments. Start looking for a down to earth type of girl that actually cares about you and where relationship is 50/50.

[icebreaker]

Hey thanks for your response.

 

Let this girl go. Shes bad news. Especially when she has a BOYFRIEND. what are you DOING? (im meaning her, not you).

 

Yeah, what is she doing? I can only imagine she fears losing my attention.

 

The boyfriend thing really bothers me because I really don't think she has one. I think she makes it up just to keep guys at bay. She is extremely attractive but I believe she has a personality disorder (i.e. borderline), which causes her to keep her distance when someone gets too close. (Early in our friendship we had this cat and mouse thing going on. I ended it because it became too exhausting).

 

Just the other day she contradicts herself by saying she's single and then brings up the boyfriend. It was said in a manner where she was hoping I didn't catch her slip up.

 

Forget friends altogether. She's a needy chick who uses the attention of men to feed her unsatiated ego.

 

I was showing her a picture of a friend I found extremely attractive and told her why. I wasn't trying to make her jealous or anything. Her reaction was "Oh great I've got to lose more weight".

 

Hmm... Now, I know why she said this. Last week I made a little joke to humble her about her gaining a few pounds over the holidays. (Before some of you fly off the handle, she's a size 1). I was very playful and she probably took my comment to heart, which I just don't understand because why would it matter what I thought about her? Is her reaction caused by her unsatisfied ego or is there some hidden interest on her behalf?

 

My experience is that as long as one has feelings for the girl, it's very hard to be just friends. My suggestion to you is to treat her politely but keep distance. In another words don't be mad at her nor shower her with affection and compliments. Start looking for a down to earth type of girl that actually cares about you and where relationship is 50/50.

 

This is the hardest thing to do because most of us want the unattainable. And once we get sucked in by a manipulating charmer, it's so difficult to come to our senses.

 

Fortunately, I've been able to back away from her and focus my attention on other attainable women who care for me in return.

 

Thanks for everything!!!!

Today 11:11 AM

[Spoonandfork22]

im very happy to see you taking conscious steps to heal your heart and find someone worth your time!

 

i just want to share: my current bf was dating a girl before me who is exactly the girl you are describing. they fooled around for about a year, never dated. she always kept him at bay. well, when him and i started dating all of a sudden she was 'in love with him' and 'wanted to date him' and said i had stolen the guy she loved. really?

 

she was a problem for a very long time. i almost feel sorry for her, for feeling like she cant be happy on her own or happy single. for trying to pull my bf away from me just so she could mindscrew him again. this is also a girl who is so beautiful, it makes you wonder where these insecurities come from when she can literally get ANY GUY SHE WANTS.

 

 

i wish you the best of luck! and again, congrats on realizing what YOU need....youre going about this all in the right way!!

[icebreaker]

Spoonandfork,

 

 

i just want to share: my current bf was dating a girl before me who is exactly the girl you are describing. they fooled around for about a year, never dated. she always kept him at bay. well, when him and i started dating all of a sudden she was 'in love with him' and 'wanted to date him'

 

Why is it this way? I'm not coming from a view where I'm hoping the clouds will part and she will see the light, but what keeps a women from taking it to the next step? Some say the attention. But it's got to be more than that.

 

What is it about your bf that drew him to her in the first place and allowed her to toy with him, as was the case with me. Personally, I feel my friend probably possesses an enormous amount of insecurities and doesn't feel "good enough" for me. She probably feels that I will find out what kind of person she really is, and I will eventually reject her. Leaving her with a broken heart. In other words, she's not going to commit unless she fully trusts that I accept her or as in your case, I move on to someone else.

 

Also, I think she recognizes that she has a quality individual, but wants to have her cake and eat it to. So to speak. Trust me. I'm approached more by women than I approach them. I believe women have this sixth sense of knowing a good man when they see him including her. However, most know when to snatch up something good without thinking there is something better out there.

 

she was a problem for a very long time. i almost feel sorry for her, for feeling like she cant be happy on her own or happy single. for trying to pull my bf away from me just so she could mindscrew him again. this is also a girl who is so beautiful, it makes you wonder where these insecurities come from when she can literally get ANY GUY SHE WANTS.

 

 

How did he handle her after he moved on? Did she come back with a vengeance? Also, did she have in her mind after he moved on that they did have a relationship. Although, during the time they were not together she kept him at bay?

 

You must be a wonderful supportive gf who has a clear understanding of the big picture. Most mates would take a "me first" approach and I don't see that coming from you. That's a good quality to have because most people will never have it.

 

Thanks for youe thought and kind words.

Take Care!

[Yamaha]

Why do women act like this? because they can and you react to her. Do you really think this gal wants to date you? no. She wants to play a game and keep you in her web.

I think your use of the word friend is strange. Do you really think this gal is your friend? Don't friends want the best for you and your happiness? Don't they care for you? This gal is only around because you provide some distraction at the job. She's not happy so she doesn't want you to be happy either.

This is not a slam to your own ego. She is just a person with problems and it would be to your advantage to quit worrying about her and why she acts like this and be glad you never did get involved with her. She is just used to toying with men and we are so gullible when it is a very attractive women. We will put up with so much before we finally realize what is really on the inside of her pretty package.

 

My advise is to greet her as a fellow colleague and put her out of your mind except if the work deems it appropriate. If you keep it business you will find she will leave you alone because it will cease to be fun for her. She really isn't worth your time or attention.

[icebreaker]

Yamaha,

 

It's tough when one welcome's the distraction she provides at work, too. The kind of work I perform doesn't call for very much contact with colleagues. So, when she shows up and gives some attention, I'm more than happy to receive it.

 

Where I'm at now though, is in some way, I want some satisfaction that she perceives me as the one that got away. You know?

 

I sense she recognizes this because of her change in behavior once I started shifting my attention to other ladies and no longer being so readily available to her. She is finding every little excuse to draw me in, but I've been real resistent to her overtures.

 

I do know in her head she does need me to meet her attention supply, and it would be nice to walk away from this knowing she lost out.

 

This isn't easy to just move on because of time invested and my ego being involved. Although agonizingly slow, I feel I'm taking the right steps, but sometimes when that carrot gets dangled before me it is very tempting to chase it.

 

Take Care!

[nicki]

Hey, Ice...

 

If you follow the dangled carrot, does that make you a....donkey?

 

I can understand where you are coming from. She gives you some power over her by wanting your attention. You decide how much to give her. That's power for you.

 

You are both playing the game. Admit you like it, then you can say to yourself, "Whew! What a close call. She could have been MY girlfriend flirting with other guys like that. I would have never been enough for a woman like that, no one would ever be."

 

If you were with her, it would only be a matter of time before she would cheat on you. Spend a few minutes visualizing how that would look and feel. Think about how bruised your ego would be.

 

Then, after you think about that fresh hell, go and enjoy your now intact ego.

 

From now on, keep your dealings business like at all times. If she asks you a personal question, simply don't answer her. Change the subject to office talk or say see you later. Don't explain yourself to her.

 

If you stop feeding this situation, your attraction to her will go away. She may pursue you for a while, but she'll go get her drug (attention) somewhere else. And that will be a good thing for you.

[icebreaker]

Nicki,

 

If you stop feeding this situation, your attraction to her will go away. She may pursue you for a while, but she'll go get her drug (attention) somewhere else. And that will be a good thing for you.

 

I wish it were this simple because things have taken a little twist, which kind of scares me. Let me explain.

 

I haven't spoken to her in almost a week. Not to mention I've minimized my contact with her, and have shown to be less responsive to her. Well, she seems to have gotten a little angry at me. Questioning our friendship, frequenting places I'm at, etc. All to get my attention. I'm not a "donkey":) to her when we talk, but I no longer want to invest anymore time into something that isn't going anywhere. Yeah, I can tell a joke or two because it kind of keeps the peace.

 

I know I should expect her reaction, but now she is claiming to be very vindictive and having a retalitory streak in her. She didn't directly threaten me, but instead used examples of how people screwed her over and how she got payback. It's quite obvious why she brought this stuff up, which frightens me because I don't need any problems. In other words, I'm worried she might bring up some false sexual harassment charge or try to jeopardize my job in one way or another. I'm hoping I'm over analyzing her, but I know when a woman comes up and talks the stuff she talked that it has double meaning.

 

It's almost as though she is doing this to secure our friendship for the future. Very weird....

[LiveStrong Fan]

Ice,

 

I understand a lot of what your going through. I went through something not quite the same as your situation but somewhat. I know that doesn't make sense, but a coworker and I had a lot of chemistry and decided to pursue one another but I was not too keen about relations at the job since the workplace not only tends to be a rumor mill but also others on the team might feel there are biases.

 

So I decided to seek other opportunities so something could happen and although it did the situation got complicated because her ex came back in the picture and she chose him. I was lead to believe that things were over with him before I really got involved but I now know that was not the case.

 

All in all, I am glad that I am not working at my old job anymore because I would have to deal with behaviors and reactions, things I would feel I have to pretend I am someone else about. That is because the dynamics with my coworker changed. In all honesty I would feel uncomfortable because I really like who I am and don't believe I could handle pretending, plus I know I didn't do anything wrong.

 

You will get through this situation however you deem fit. If you really like your job then put that first and keep busy with your job. If she wants to talk to you about stuff that doesn't pertain to work, then she can always call you or email, etc. When your at the job though, keep all discussion work related.

 

Focus on yourself buddy, and if the future holds a friendship with this girl you will know in time. But boyfriend thing I think is sad, because she should be focusing on stuff with that guy and not toying around with others like you due to her insecurities, which could be a ton of things.

 

Hope this gives you some thoughts, and I agree with much of what other people have commented but ultimately the decision making comes down to you!