!! Should I get out of this??!!!

[weeble78]

Hi everyone

 

Firstly I'm gonna try and keep this short and sweet - I really hope someone has some advice for me as I am getting desperate!!

 

I have been with my bf for 4 years. When we got together, he was still seeing his ex (they finished cos she moved away and cheated on him) and I finished things, then we got back together 3 mths later. Every time she saw him she was begging him to get back with her.

 

Fast forward, and now we have moved away to a city that my bf wanted to move to with her but she said she never would. Several mths ago she moved up and the trouble has started from there.

 

I argued with my bf because he kept going on about why would she move up here, and anyway it all came to a head and we sorted it out.

 

Later, about a month ago, I found out she had emailed him to catch up. He invited her to a party to which all their old friends were going. In the end, she declined, but he still hadn't told me. By the date of the party, I brought this up with him and he admitted he wasn't going to tell me because it would cause so much trouble/rows. I left over xmas, and now I have come back because we live together.

 

Ive had the apologies etc, and he is now telling me if she emails him.

 

Basically, I have a feeling that for some reason, he still wants to see her even though they finished 5 years ago!!!!

 

I am really hurt over this, and would very much appreciate some advice and opinons xxxx

[Walk]

Maybe it's an ego thing to him? Maybe he feels like she left him because he was flawed, and having her beg and plead for him to take her back makes him feel better about himself?

 

I find it hard to believe that he would want to be with her again after she cheated on him and dumped him. But I could see someone who felt lessened by what she did, doing things to feel more in control and more worth while again. But it would depend on other factors in your life.

 

How's your sex life? Is the affection level still pretty good? Does he need large amounts of time to himself? Or act distant for a while and then extra sweet afterward? When confronted with stuff, does he get really defensive, or does he explain what happened in a fairly calm manner?

[weeble78]

Thanks for your down to earth reply - it's nice to know somebody's taken the time to read my post!

 

Our sex life isn't great, but to be honest it's mostly me because I've been feeling insecure again. He knows this and is happy with just cuddling etc - he is very affectionate towards me and always has been.

 

He explained things to me in a calm manner, but he seems so predisposed sometimes to trying to get out of the truth because he can't deal with me when I get really angry with him. I realise this might put him off telling me the truth so I am trying to calm down. On the other hand though, he was pretty preoccupied with how I'd managed to get onto his email, and I felt he should have been more apologetic.

 

I do know that he is a very insecure person, particularly in relationships and his ex basically slept with several of his friends and told him straight away - she even called him on the phone while she was with someone! However, his reaction was to go running to her rather than tell her where to go and that is something I will never understand - her hold on him.

 

I love him so much, and I know I'm not perfect, but I am so unhappy at the moment it is hard to see clearly. I'm just in shock that he was actually going to go to this party and not tell me!!!

[amaysngrace]

Our sex life isn't great, but to be honest it's mostly me because I've been feeling insecure again.

 

I think he's making you insecure. He should have been upfront with you and honest.

 

People who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

 

Even if meeting up with her was strictly platonic he should have been concerned enough with your feelings to tell you. What if he had and you weren't okay with it?

 

It seems to me he is more concerned with himself than with you. He makes it seem he was sparing your feelings when all he was doing was disregarding them.

 

It's no wonder why you feel insecure lately.

[weeble78]

Thanks amaysngrace, that makes me feel a bit better - I've been feeling like I must be losing it at times!!

 

He's attempted to show he's got nothing to hide by giving me his email password and his phone, but I still feel uneasy. I feel you're right about him being more concerned about himself, although I think he's pretty much been the same in the whole relationship - selfish.

 

The reason I'm so stressed over this is that I want to move back home and for us to have an LDR (I have posted previously). Because it is at the point where we can either start over or finish and I have the option of a new start elsewhere, this is why I'm mulling everything over.

 

How come relationships aren't more straightforward - I believed in the knight in shining armour when I was little!!!!

[amaysngrace]

I believed in the knight in shining armour when I was little!!!!

 

 

Don't give up on that thought. I still believe it and I've humped many a frog.

 

Seriously maybe it's time to put yourself first and think about your own happiness. Are you happy in this relationship? Truly happy, cloud nine happy? For the most part anyway?

 

That's how it should be. Being in a relationship should add to your well-being, not take away from it.

 

If you don't find yourself being content or you're too easily stressed out then maybe it's time to go it alone. At least then you know you're with someone who cares about your feelings.

[weeble78]

Ha ha - I agree, hopefully there are only so many frogs you can hump!

 

I am happier than I've ever been, with him I guess, there are just the odd times - also it's a hard time right now, I'm really unhappy with the place I live (I've been here a year and a half) and I'm just getting more and more stressed, hence the thinking about moving. The thing with this is that we'd have to be apart - he says he wants to move with me but the best thing is for him to stay here. Obviously with what's happened I'm nervous that if I leave, as we've had problems recently, then this might tip the boat. All I really want to do is to beg him to come with me, settle down and live happily ever after but I know this is the idealistic romantic in me talking.

 

Do you think a person who's selfish can ever change, or do you think he might be selfish because maybe he's with the wrong person?

[littlekitty]

Don't give up on that thought. I still believe it and I've humped many a frog.

 

 

To the OP: I agree with Amaysngrace though. True happiness and someone who adds to your life is out there. I know so, I found it.

 

To me, there still seems to be some unfinished business between them. It seems she moved to be where you are simply to be closer to him? Do you think she would have done that without any encouragement of any kind? It's hard to tell, but reading about your situation gives me an uncomfortable feeling. Somethings not right here....

[amaysngrace]

Do you think a person who's selfish can ever change, or do you think he might be selfish because maybe he's with the wrong person?

 

I think selfish people grow up, some of them anyway. But unfortunately you're already involved with him. So the tone's been set. I find it highly unlikely that he will grow into a completely unselfish loving and giving person while with you. Because you've already laid down the ground rules for your relationship with him.

 

A relationship starts at the beginning. If certain things aren't happening in that phase and you stay anyway it makes it harder later on to have those things happen IME.

[weeble78]

Littlekitty:

 

There was no encouragement for her to move out because he hadn't spoken to her for two years. Before that, when we got together she took to turning up to his gigs and following him when he went out - she even started giving him random phonecalls at night yelling insults down the phone.

 

That's how I feel - uncomfortable - but can you seriously have unfinished business with someone you were with five years ago? How on earth do you tell, and in the meantime not mess up your relationship with your insecurities?

 

Amaysngrace:

 

I feel kinda down about that and I feel you're right, the ground has been set. I tried so hard to be 'cool' when I first met him, and cut him off when I found out about his ex. I've tried to handle this the right way because I want to believe everything he tells me.

[littlekitty]

Well that's good that there doesn't appear to have been any encouragement, but it does also mean that for the 3 previous years after splitting up they were in contact. Even if it was instigated by her, and not reciprocated by him. So there's been a lot going on still - clearly not over for her.

 

It seems she moved of her own decision to continue to pursue him. He may have unresolved feelings towards her. The annoying and upsetting thing is that he's unlikely to admit that to you or anyone else, and there's no real way for you tell. He did agree to try to meet her, which to me is a Red Flag. A sign something is up. If someone behaved that way to me for 3 years, I'm pretty sure I'd have ignored their contact, and not agreed to a meeting. Another Red Flag is that he was still seeing her when he started dating you. Not a nice thing to do.

 

Being cheated on like that and not getting any closure has probably left him with unresolved feelings. Whether he wants more or not, is not easy to tell.

 

All in all, I'm a tad suspicious about the whole thing. I'm not sure he's being 100% honest with you. The only sign he's now trying to make amends is that he's allowed you access to his phone and email. But it never should have got to the stage where you needed or wanted that.

 

You have reason to be insecure. The only thing I could suggest is talking to him again, but I fear it will not help you. If I were you, I'd probably move back home and get on with my life. If your relationship is strong enough and it's meant to be, it will work out. Otherwise you'll soon know and be able to move on.

[weeble78]

Hey littlekitty

 

Well I'm going to take your advice and talk to him this weekend, put everything on the table and tell him exactly how I feel. I feel so down hearing someone else say what I've been thinking for the last four years, and really I feel disappointed in myself for not having the courage to leave him the first time.

 

I feel like if he still has unresolved feelings for her now, then that means he can't truly love me and I've never been able to get him to admit it. I'm not a particularly strong person, but I suppose I don't want to have a relationship like this for the rest of my life. All of the serious relationships I've had have been with people who have still had feelings for their exes - am I really that stupid?