Molested as a young child?

[amaysngrace]

Was anyone molested when they were young? Did you seek help for it?

 

I'm afraid that so much of who I am is a result of what happened to me in the past.

 

Will counseling change things in me? Will I lose my identity somehow?

[Poboy]

if what happened in the past is affecting your present , it will do so in the future too...counselling will change things ... for the better if you go through the whole process with 100 % commitment.

[amaysngrace]

if what happened in the past is affecting your present , it will do so in the future too...counselling will change things ... for the better if you go through the whole process with 100 % commitment.

 

You know how they say when you look back on your life it's like one big story?

 

If I look back I can see how being molested changed who I am today. Who I've become through decisions (most of them destructive) I've made and paths I've chosen makes me see who I am now.

 

I'm okay with myself being as I am, sort of. Sure I have some unanswered questions, who doesn't?

 

I'm just afraid if I'm forced to face this head on then I will be left as just a shell of a human being. Who I've become would have all been smoke and mirrors.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

This whole realization makes me very sad.

[Craig]

amaysngrace have you seen this thread...

 

How do you recover from child abuse?

at

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=77326

[amaysngrace]

amaysngrace have you seen this thread...

 

How do you recover from child abuse?

at

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=77326

 

Thanks Craig. I only got halfway through page one. I read your post.

 

How ironic is it that you used the very same words I just chose? Empty shell.

 

Does facing it all really leave you like that? I think I see that coming and you just reinforced that fact.

 

Are you glad you chose to get it out or in retrospect do you wish you just let sleeping dogs lie?

 

I know it's an issue. But you can't change it. My abuser is dead. He committed suicide shortly after. My oldest brother died when I was three going on four. Certainly I can't blame my parents for being despondent.

 

So what good is there in facing this? I'd rather just cry my eyes out now for the child that was happy and friendly to a fault. Trusting to a fault.

 

I tried to retaliate in my own way. I remember that. I picked all his springtime flowers out of his yard. Tulips and daffodiles and gave them to my mom.

 

She made me return them.

 

I just don't see how dredging up the past is going to change things except for the worst. I think I should program myself to see in gray too.

 

Who needs to see in rainbow anyway?

[blind_otter]

Well it's hard to program yourself. I tried for years, amay. I tried for YEARS. I wasted so many years of my life thinking, I don't want therapy to change who I am.

 

Only now do I realize that re-programming myself, from the ground up, is the ONLY way to live.

 

When you endure abuse as a child you do get a specific skill set. You learn how to survive. But survival is very different from thriving. And therapy can help you learn how to thrive.

 

You never "get over" this sh*t. Sorry to be harsh, but AFAIK, its true. You learn how to deal with it better.

 

It's like this. You're like a tree that is trying to grow in a rocky cliff face, clinging desperately to the rocks, your roots trying desperately to find soil and purchase in the difficult environment that was created by the abuse.

 

But what if you were transplanted to a beautiful meadow with a burbling brook? Initially there is always shock and discomfort. But with the right attitude, you will learn how to thrive and grow into the fully incarnated human being that you were always meant to be.

[amaysngrace]

Thank you Otter.

 

I understand what you're saying, I really do. But it was so long ago. There's a lot I don't even remember. I wasn't even certain that it actually happened until a week ago today.

 

But now since I know for sure I find myself thinking back to that time. My grades. Events. And then it's like some downward spiral year after year.

 

Wow as I was typing this my mom just called. She told me I sound awful. I told her why. I told her it happened. I convinced her too. I know I did. I reminded her of how I use to wet the bed. And I use to cling to her. And when she took a job when I was 10 I started wetting the bed again. She was my security. She remembers the flowers.

 

She invited me to dinner tonight. She made me feel better a little.

 

Anyway who do I even go and see for this? A psychiatrist? Or some specialized counselor of some sort?

 

This thing goes way deep. All this time I thought it was my father who set me up to fail in relationships. I blamed him as the cause of my eating disorders. I blamed him as the one who held the torch for all my future relationships with men. I've sabotaged our relationship for a very long time.

 

God I feel like such an a**hole.

 

Great analogy btw.

[Craig]

How ironic is it that you used the very same words I just chose? Empty shell.

 

Does facing it all really leave you like that? I think I see that coming and you just reinforced that fact.

Ironic? Not really, , if you get into a support group you will find the words and even the stories have so many similarities. It's like essentially the story of abuse is the same, only the names and faces change.

 

I think feeling like an empty shell of a human being is part of the recovery process or at least it seems to be for me. More and more now I am getting my life back, becoming myself again in some ways but with a better sense of boundaries and what kind of person not to find myself in the company of.

 

When I say I'm getting my life back what I mean is that I am feeling much better about myself (with occasional but normal and to be expected, I think, set backs) and moving forward in a positive, meaningful way with my life.

 

I've enjoyed a multitude of varied experiences in life and in my education and have always thought that the experience served me well. Now I am realizing that the period of abuse I went through also served me. Whether it served me well or poorly is really dependent upon how I view it. In other words it is my choice to look at the period of abuse as a negative experience making a positive contribution or a negative contribution. I chose a positive contribution.

 

Are you glad you chose to get it out or in retrospect do you wish you just let sleeping dogs lie?

OMG! amaysngrace, I am glad that I am working on it and even grateful for the experience now but I didn't feel that way before! Many people endure hardships in their lives of varying duration and intensity. It has been my experience that the people who have struggled the most tend to have the richer (not talking money here) lives.

 

Given the options of either working on it or being ignorant and handicapped by myself for the rest of my life I am extremely glad I chose to work on it. But it was one of the hardest things for me to actually make that first call for help.

 

I know it's an issue. But you can't change it. My abuser is dead. He committed suicide shortly after. My oldest brother died when I was three going on four. Certainly I can't blame my parents for being despondent.

 

So what good is there in facing this? I'd rather just cry my eyes out now for the child that was happy and friendly to a fault. Trusting to a fault.

I understand how you feel.

 

You can't change the issue or what happened but (and this is the important part) you can change your reaction to it. You can begin to get reclaim some of the good feelings you used to have, you can get more enjoyment out of life and feel and be stronger.

 

Crying ones eyes out is good and part of the healing process.

 

Amaysyngrace, I don't think facing this is what getting help/assistance is all about. You've been facing your abuse ever since it happened and it hasn't given you what you want. Finding a suitable therapist/counselor and/or support group will help you in ways you can't imagine in your current frame of mind.

 

 

I just don't see how dredging up the past is going to change things except for the worst. I think I should program myself to see in gray too.

 

Who needs to see in rainbow anyway?

It isn't about dredging up the past. When I wrote

Thought stopping. When I start to think about what happened I consciously stop my thoughts. Heh. Thinking about nothing at all is a skill. I focus on the color gray in my mind. This is especially useful at bedtime when I've had a tendency to think too much.

...it was true for me at the time.

 

Now I am starting to see the rainbow again, I am in some ways a different person than I was then. I have more tools in my emotional tool kit for dealing with, coping and even thriving. Life is better for me as the result of the changes that have occurred in me.

 

If programming yourself to "see" in gray helps you at this time in your life then that is what you can do but it doesn't mean that you have to live that way for the rest of your days.

 

Amaysyngrace and this comes from the heart, the best thing you can do for yourself and the people around you is to work on this. A combination of a support group and individual counseling is great. You don't have to participate in the group, you can just sit there and listen but it is an enlightening experience.

[blind_otter]

You have to be really careful about the mental health professional that you choose when you have this kind of situation. Some novice bumbling around inside your head like a bull in a china shop would do more harm than good. So you have to be selective and interview candidates.

 

Personally, I tried psychologists and psychiatrists. My current therapist is also a psychiatrist and I take medication, as my past issues and my inability to deal with them led to a breakdown.

 

IME it's too confusing to deal with something that happened so long ago on your own. You remember through the eyes of a child. But you can take those memories and re-processes them as an adult, which is what helps, I think, because children don't have the capacity to process things like that in a healthy way, all the time.

[Craig]

Anyway who do I even go and see for this? A psychiatrist? Or some specialized counselor of some sort?

 

Google "adult survivors of child abuse" in the quotes. I get 27,300 hits.

 

Google "find a therapist" "psychology today" and have a look at their site.

 

You might be able to get some good assistance by calling up your local domestic violence center as they often deal with all types of abuse and usually have resources that they can refer people to.

 

When you're interviewing a counselor ask them what they specialize in do not tell them that you are looking for someone that works with survivors of childhood abuse and trauma. Some will just say that they specialize in what you are looking for because they have to pay next months rent. Seriously.

[amaysngrace]

Google "adult survivors of child abuse" in the quotes. I get 27,300 hits.

 

Google "find a therapist" "psychology today" and have a look at their site.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for all your help. I hope to make an appointment today. You and Blind Otter have both been absolutely wonderful. XO

 

I'm not really looking forward to going to counseling but I know it's what I need to do.

[Craig]

You are welcome!

[blind_otter]

Counseling ain't so bad. As long as you enter into it with the mindset that you are ready to roll up your sleeves and do some real work and get your hands dirty.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, but I know that you have what it takes to get through the process.

[RecordProducer]

I was molested and it changed a lot for me. I think you can get over it, but you'll never erase it. It's a part of you. Just like affection and love made you a nice person, this sh*t made you an angry person. Now this anger is a part of you and you won't erase it. Just like you can make ketchup out of tomato, but you can't make tomato out of ketchup, once you're mixed with such trauma, it becomes a part of you. You can't possibly become the person you would have been if it never happened to you. You will always be sensitive to certain things. In a way, you are defective. But with all that, you can be happy. You need to be 100% convinced that it's not your fault, that it was unjust and you were a victim of a horrible crime. You need to let your anger out and face your pain. You need to see things as they are. Don't try to forgive or seek comfort I something that doesn't give you any comfort.

 

A good friend of mine told me she feels sorry for her molester, because she is sick. It doesn't work for me. I don't feel sorry for him. I was open to myself about my anger and desire to kill him and take him to court. I stopped fantasizing about killing him when I realized that it's not the fear of prison that prevents me from doing it - it's me, I just could never kill anyone. I went so deep into my fantasies that after years of dreaming about cutting him in pieces, I figured that I couldn't live with a murder in my soul. That was one of the things that helped me move on from the agony. Please note that I never had any plans to kill him, because I knew I'd go to jail - they were only fantasies. But the fantasies stopped when I realized that I had no DESIRE to kill him.

 

He got beaten up later, it was a money thing. He had two surgeries on his head from the beatings. I was glad about this and wished he didn't survive, but he did.

 

Sexual abuse just like physical abuse happen all the time. I truly believe that some day the society will find ways to stop it. I told my sons that if anyone touches them, especially their peepees or butts or demands from them anything that they don't like or tells them to keep a secret from mom and dad, that they have to say NO, run away, and tell me about it immediately. They didn't have any trauma from hearing this, not any bigger trauma than when I tell them that a car can run over them if they are not careful, but I might prevent some huge trauma from happening.

 

Schools and doctors have the power to educate children about this without traumatizing them, by asking them simple questions. Once sexual abuse is revealed and the molesters are put in jail, people will be more careful about abusing their own children, step-children, cousins and neighbors. However, that might cause the molesters to threaten and actually murder the kids. So you never know what's worse.

 

I think I would feel totally cured if the step-monster ended up in prison. That's the right place for a criminal like him. Just when I was determined to sue him, I got re-married and moved to the United States. My new happiness and love helped me get over my tragedy and I am OK now. But I still think about it, it hurts, and I get angry and even suicidal when I drink. I started drinking at age 15 and I know it's because of what he did to me. I was severely depressed whenever he was around me. I was also in denial and felt like a slut. It's a horrible tragedy and everyone I know who has gone through that has been falling apart and struggling with enormous pain.

 

I think counseling would help you. It has helped many victims. I never went to any therapists, but I might. My husband is not very understanding of this. Of course, he feels terribly sorry for me, but when I get emotionally unstable and messed up, he is turned off by the image of me. And that hurts me, because it's not my fault. This horrible event has screwed me up in some ways and when I show symptoms, consequences of it, I feel the power of this injustice messing up with my marriage. I expect from my husband to console me when I start falling apart, even though I might complain about the rejection of my in-laws, I want my husband to understand that I am a sensitive person, because I've taken too many punches in my life. This same person who molested me beat my mom severely and kept us in fear and misery for 17 long years.

 

This trauma is certainly integrated in my whole life. When I finally found happiness in love and moved to the US, I faced another injustice: his family rejected me and does all kinds of sh*t to me even though I was very nice to them always. Hubby admits that I did nothing to deserve this and has fought with them many times to defend me, but on the other hand he tells me that I am paranoid, that I didn't earn their respect (he doesn't know why and what I should do to earn it, he even said "Well maybe you were TOO nice"), that they are good people, that I left a bad impression because I was drinking, and that they wish only the best for him. This is another trauma for me, another injustice, because when they complained to him about me about the stupidest things (such as I didn't bring a cake to their party or I make tasteless jokes or it should be me, not him, who puts burgers in my kids' plates when we go out, etc), they didn't want the best for him - they wanted us to divorce.

 

So my point is: if I were an emotionally healthy person, these things wouldn't have bothered me this much. But since I am so scarred already, this opens up the scars and I feel like the whole world just wants to harm me and destroy me. And it's a terrible feeling.

 

My husband tells me "You think that everyone is after you, but you're just being paranoid!" Excuse me, but when they call my husband to come over and tell him that I am not good enough for him, when my sister-in-law pretends to be my friend, just for me to hear from everyone that she gossips against me all the time, when his father calls him on the phone to tell him that I didn't say "hi" at the gym, and his wife turns her head away from me as if I stink really badly, while I am kissing her ass (because hubby told me to be nice to them no matter what), when my brother-in-law ignores me and walks away every time I show up, when their daughters openly ignore me and spread lies about me, when the SIL spreads lies about me... I just can't help but think that they ARE after me. And I know why: because they don't want hubby to have ANY wife. They want his money for THEIR children, not for mine. So I don't take it personally, I know THEY suck and i did nothing to deserve this, but it still hurts.

 

And all these events are mixed up in my head and ruin my life from the root. I am alone in a foreign state, without friends, family or a job and I am facing rejection from people who live next door, whom I see very often and my husband seems to discard my feelings, even though many things have changed due to their sh*tty treatment of me.

 

There is just so much space for wounds on your body and soul. You can lose a little blood, but if you lose a lot of it, you die. I lost a lot of my soul from the first injustice and now I am losing it again. These are the things that the abuse from the past will interfere with - the inability to take pain, to deal with it, and recover. My husband thinks this is not a big deal, but for me it's such a big deal that - just like I dreamed about moving far away from the step-father - now I dream about moving far away from y in-laws and even my husband who let them do this to me.

 

Every new problem in my life will always be closely related to what I experienced as a child. My guitar teacher told me: "Why are you beating yourself up and looking for mistakes? Were your parents mean to you?" I said "No, but I had a step-father who was mean to me." He said he was molested twice as a child and when I told him I was, too, he said he knew it. So it even interferes with my guitar lessons.

 

I also drank for many years so it interfered with my physical health, motherhood, and my both marriages.

 

To sum it up: a counselor will help you get over it and not feel the active pain, "forget" about it and be comfortable with the event itself whenever you recall it. But the most important thing is to isolate yourself from any possible injustice, bad relationships, mistreatment, etc. because every time you get in a bad situation, you will feel like you're re-living the whole thing over and over again and don't have control over it.

 

For example, my whole being is in fire because my husband told me to just be nice to them. Everyone told me to "kill them with kindness" but every time I am kind to them, the memory of me faking kindness toward the monster who molested me, is being evoked and it's killing me. I feel like I didn't have the power to stand up for myself THEN and I am once again in the same situation - I can't stand up and cry "This is injustice and you're jerks!"

 

And moreover, my husband called me paranoid. To me it's almost the same as if my mother called me paranoid when she found out about what happened. I would have disowned her. But she divorced him immediately. I was 23 when my ex told her about it with my permission.

 

Al in all, my advice is: walk on eggs around yourself and pamper yourself as much as you can. Stay away from bad people and situations that make you feel helpless. Stand up for yourself even if it makes you a bitch - your peace of mind is most precious. Protect your children and find the ultimate pleasure in their unconditional love. And find a good therapist, not just any therapist...

[CardPlay3r]

amanys, there are psychologists that specialize in child abuse and in rape, go to one of those...perhaps a group therapy thing, as far as I know it's free in the US

[coco_milkshake]

I was molested as a child and it still affects me til this day - mainly cos I have no choice but to sleep in the room that it happened in. The reason for this is because it is my gran's room and she has had a few incidents where she has fallen cos her balance aint great when she goes to the bathroom during the night so I have to sleep in that room to keep an eye on her.

 

I was molested in that room when I was about 7 or 8 years old - cant really remember how old I was but my cousin was a few years older than me who did it. It is hard but I have learnt to automatically block it out now and no one in my family know about this cos if I did tell then alll hell will break loose and it will be his word against mine and it was so many years ago. I am now 21.

[amaysngrace]

Stand up for yourself even if it makes you a bitch - your peace of mind is most precious. Protect your children and find the ultimate pleasure in their unconditional love. And find a good therapist, not just any therapist...

 

 

I'm sorry for you RP. I can't begin to imagine the nightmare you lived through with your abuser in your own home. XO

 

I think you should think about getting help too. From what I've read this anger is the last stage of the healing process. Make sure you do your very best to move through it and not get yourself engulfed in it.

 

You know if you find group therapy in Philly I could meet you there in about an hour?

[amaysngrace]

amanys, there are psychologists that specialize in child abuse and in rape, go to one of those...perhaps a group therapy thing, as far as I know it's free in the US

 

Thank you CP3. I didn't call yet. But I think I'm going to speak with my counselor about who she'd recommend. They may even have someone at that place. The women's center. CARA - coalition against rape and abuse.

 

I think this is a good place for me to start. They've helped me so much before with other things.

 

But I'm definitely going to get the help I need. And yeah, it is free.

[amaysngrace]

I was molested in that room when I was about 7 or 8 years old - cant really remember how old I was but my cousin was a few years older than me who did it.

 

 

I'm sorry Coco. Do you still have to see this cousin today? That has to be completely awful for you if you do.

 

XO

[JamesM]

AG, you have my sympathy but also my admiration. It is much easier to bury the feelings caused by sexual abuse than to face them head on. But head on they must be faced.

 

My wife was sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused as a child over a period of more than ten years. As a result, she became bulemic and had a host of other issues. When I first met her, she had begun "facing her demons." She is strong, and counseling has done much for her. She has improved tremendously in the past ten years.

 

As someone said, be careful whom you choose for a therapist. My wife's first one was not "clicking" with her. Or it could be that my wife wasn't as ready to face everything. However, her second therapist was exactly what she needed. As a result, she can live very normally and not "ignore" and bury her past.

 

Does it still affect her now? I am sure of it. Sometimes events remind her of her past. When she mentions them to me, then I can see that she has been able to put them behind her because she feels able to talk of them. Yet she does not carry the anger and depression that she had in our first years of marriage. I think the area od sex has been the most affected.

 

As an observer and a very connected person to a sexual abuse survivor, I can say with complete confidence that when you dredge up every memory and feeling that occurred as a result of the sex abuse, you will heal. I personally watched it happen with my wife, and I have talked with others who have had the same experience.

 

BTW, when my wife joined a support group, this was beneficial for her. However, this came after some months of therapy. Her therapist actually felt that she could help the others while helping herself. She made friends with others who had traumatic childhoods with sex abuse. She could see how they "dealt" with it and the effect on their lives. This was a help to her because she could see that she was not different...she was not at fault...and she was not danaged goods.

 

Much as I would love to change her past, I cannot. But I do have great admiration for how she has handled it.

 

Feel free to PM me with questions about her and how we dealt with it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Was anyone molested when they were young? Did you seek help for it?

 

Yes. molested by my stepfather. Told my mom who didn't believe me. And I lived in the house with him until I was old enough to get my own place. :sick:

 

I also suffered emotional, physical, and verbal abuse.

 

I'm afraid that so much of who I am is a result of what happened to me in the past.

 

This is true, however I'm sure there are good qualities about you that can be atributed to this. For instance, I know that I am very in tune with others emotions and I think that this is because I've suffered.

 

Will counseling change things in me? Will I lose my identity somehow?

 

This has not been my experience at all. It's more sharing your story with someone who is not emotionally invested it in and getting an outside opinion. I think everyone can benefit from it.

[amaysngrace]

As an observer and a very connected person to a sexual abuse survivor, I can say with complete confidence that when you dredge up every memory and feeling that occurred as a result of the sex abuse, you will heal. I personally watched it happen with my wife, and I have talked with others who have had the same experience.

 

 

Thank you James for your kind words and caring. It seems as though she and I may have parallel lives to some extent. Please give her a hug for me.

 

I'm a little bit excited for change. I know it's going to be difficult going through this but I think my life right now is lacking in some areas and I believe it's a result of what's occurred.

 

I look forward to me without this baggage. I look forward to putting it behind me.

 

Everybody's posts have been so helpful to me in saying therapy works. That was what I was really concerned with. Would it be worth my while?

 

Seeing how nobody said anything negative about therapy I believe it's the way to go. Hearing positive stories like B_Os and Craigs and your own makes it seem like there is hope.

 

I guess it's about time that I have a growth spurt.

[CardPlay3r]

Cool, let us know how it works

 

And Mz. Pixie very sorry to hear that, do you still talk to your mother? That's the most terrible thing not believing someone that comes forward with something like this...

 

You know you can still press charges against him if he's still alive, even though there'd be no evidence they can still be there

[RecordProducer]

I was molested in that room when I was about 7 or 8 years old - cant really remember how old I was but my cousin was a few years older than me who did it. It is hard but I have learnt to automatically block it out now and no one in my family know about this cos if I did tell then alll hell will break loose and it will be his word against mine and it was so many years ago. I am now 21.

Oh, Jesus, this is so sad. My sons are 8 and they are such innocent cute little babies that know nothing about life. I was 13-14 and it lasted for about a couple years. I thought of it as something that I agreed to as a grown girl... but when I was in my late 20s I realized that I was just a child. It doesn't matter how I looked and that I liked boys. I didn't know what was going on. Before it happend, I didn't even know that I had a hole there. I remember I thought that a man and woman only rubbed their organs and somehow the woman would get pregnant from that. I had never seen an erected penis before that. He stank like hell, his whole body and he made me kiss him and swallow his sperm. He made me have anal sex, too. I certainly didn't choose it at age 13. He would touch me all over whenever he wanted. The man who beat my mother. It was disgusting.

 

I've never said this to anyone except to my mom, but I will say it publicly now. And the reason why I will say it because I feel so ashamed of it. So I have to let it out.

 

I was around 12 or 13 when he told me I should try it. I said NO. He said WHY. I said "Certainly not with you." He said "Better me than someone else."

 

He dropped the idea. Later, he told me he saw me being obsessed with models and Miss Universe contests and stuff like that. He realized that I was fascinated by these girls. He said he had a friend who was in the jury for Miss Yugoslavia and could help me become a Miss. Hey, for a 13-year old child, that sounds like a dream come true. I didn't think I was pretty enough, but he persuaded me that he could make me pretty and he has the connection. I didn't related it to anything sexual, I just thought "cool!"

 

He made me pose nude for him and said it was very important for this guy. Later he said the film didn't come out well. Of course, he lied and god knows what happened to the photos. Later he told me that this guy told him that all girls get certain massages in order to shape their bodies. He said my face would get shaped very nicely if he would massage it from the inside of my mouth. That would also shape my mouth well.. Oh, goodness... for the first time, now that I am typing it, I realize how hilarious this would sound if it weren't so tragic. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. No wonder I was so ashamed of it.

 

Anyway, I somehow agreed to it. The next thing was him massaging my stomach, form the inside, of course, with his finger. But he said it won't get good enough for the contest unless we do the so-called "penis-massage" - which was "recommended" by his friend, who lived in another city, by the way.

 

So that's how it all happened. Furthermore, my breasts had to be massaged, too. And the "massage" was most effective right after or before my period, cuz of course, he didn't want me to get pregnant. Oh, and the sperm would make my tan clean.

 

I just can't believe that this is my reality, my childhood, and not some cheap movie scenario written by some totally un-talented writer.

 

I have asked myself a million times how I could have let this happen. I sensed that something was wrong. I REMEMBER very well that my intuition told me he was just using me, but I really, really believed that his friend existed and suggested all these massages. I just thought that he was enjoying it, too and THAT bothered me. But he told me that it was a boring obligation for him to help me and that he didn't enjoy it one bit.

 

Anyway, when I was about 14 and a half, I started saying NO cuz I decided that the contest didn't interest me anymore. At this time he asked me if I wanted to star in a porn movie, cuz we would get good money (yeah, like 500 bucks or so!).

 

I was suicidal at the time and started drinking. At age 15 and a half, I met my first BF and told him about this. The BF said that the step-father made the whole story up, that this other guy didn't exist (he didn't know the details though). I said I wasn't sure, but I would check.

 

So I called the number of the company where the step-monster said the president of the jury worked and asked for Mr. XY. I thought I would get the guy on the phone and ask him straightforwardly about this or that. I was preparing my question for a long time before I got the courage to call. They told me no such person worked in the company. I was shocked. My BF was right. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

However I feared him and didn't say anything for the next two years, except that I had a few fights with him where I would mention it and he would shut up.

 

At age 17 I confronted him, but I didn't do more than that. He said "So what? What do you want in return?" I had to pretend for years that I loved him and to hide it from my mom. Finally when I was 22, my best friend told me some guy fingered her once when she was like 3 or 4 in a park. I told her about my case without sharing any details. Then I told a few other people.

 

I worked for him at the time and after about a year, I decided to cut him off completely. I decided that he will no longer be in my life no matter what. It's interesting that a year earlier I had a dream in which somebody told me that on February 5th next year the step-monster would die. I was really happy about this. But I temporarily forgot about the dream.

 

When I decided to cut him off, it was a permanent decision and there was no doubt in my mind that this would happen. Then I suddenly realized that it was just a few days before February 5. I was waiting for him to die. Alas, it didn't happen. But he was dead for me.

 

I moved in with my ex-husband, who was still my BF at the time (it's not the same first BF). My mom insisted on me fixing the relationship with her husband and didn't realize that things were serious. She thought that he just didn't treat me with respect at work. But he treated me like a princess at work. Anyway, I told my ex that I would cut my mom off, too, because I couldn't tell her the truth and I couldn't make it up with the monster. My ex said I had to tell her the truth and asked me for a permission to tell her. I agreed to it and he told her. She dumped the step-monster and he moved out, cuz he got a new job in another city anyway.

 

Later we found out that he fooled her about the new apartment they bought - he didn't put her name on it at all and it was a huge problem. Also when he left, he put an alarm on one part of the apartment so that my mom wouldn't use it. However, we broke into it and when the police came, they asked for a document from court that split the apartment legally between the two of them. The monster's brother showed up as well and started insisting that we committed a crime by breaking into his brother's apartment. Since there was no document about division, the cops said the whole apartment belonged to my mother AND to the monster, but he had no right to prohibit her to use all of it. I was pregnant half way at the time.

 

I've had a lot of fights with my mom where we blamed each other, but she was always on my side. The garbage kept calling on the phone. I had the opportunity to tell him that he ruined my life, I called him names and hang up every time. My mom later sold the apartment and bought a smaller one. The scum-bag was calling to ask her for money. He got beaten up by someone, because he wanted to retrieve his stocks from the new business and it was about 1 million $. Naturally they didn't want to give it to him and since the mafia was involved, they tried to teach him a lesson or even kill him, I am not sure. But he ended up having two surgeries on his head. Unfortunately, he didn't die.

 

As much as I know, he lives in a rented apartment or maybe he owns it. He is not re-married, and he is retired. I am pretty sure that everyone in his environment knows the story about him and me. He also has a reputation of a player and cheater.

 

He called a few years ago and woke me up. He asked how I was and I said I was OK and I will be good. That was all. He called a few more times and my mom told him she had no money for him, she didn't have the strength to argue.

 

I just want to find his phone number, call him, and tell him how much he screwed up my life and how much I hate him and wish him the worst death possible. I also want to record the conversation and give it to the prosecutor - one of them happens to me my father's first neighbor and my grand-ma is good friends with his mother.

 

If necessary, I will go testify against him. I will use the time to see my dad anyway. The prosecution can't be more difficult for me than the lack of it. I can't let him get away with this. Even if he wins the court case, the whole town, which is about half a million people, will know about his crime. If they could say before that I just wanted revenge for whatever reason and I was setting him up, now that I live in the US and so many years have passed with no contact, I think everyone would believe me. If he could get just one year in jail, I would be extremely happy!

 

FYI, this idea just occurred me tonight. I didn't intend to take him to court, but I might do it. He doesn't deserve to be free and walk away from what he did. I wonder if he ever did it to other girls.

 

I think you should think about getting help too.You know if you find group therapy in Philly I could meet you there in about an hour?

Thanks and I am sure therapy could help me. I would LOVE to meet you. Let's arrange it. I'll PM you.

 

Yes. molested by my stepfather. Told my mom who didn't believe me. And I lived in the house with him until I was old enough to get my own place. :sick:

I also suffered emotional, physical, and verbal abuse.

Oh, I am so sorry. Poor thing.

 

P.S. Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes I might have made... I just don't have the strength to re-read all the crap.

[amaysngrace]

Oh Mz. P that's completely horrible. To not be believed is not good even a little. Perhaps it's driven by her own guilt and jealousy?

 

In any event it did occur and I think maybe you're right in saying that you see some good things that have come from it. Good things in you.

 

We wouldn't be who we are without all of our life experiences -good or bad.

 

Love to you.