Molested as a young child?

[Woggle]

I was sort of molested when Iw as young. My mother used to make me go in the living room naked so her and her friends could laugh at my penis. I am in counseling right now and it is helping quite a bit. I am not changing who I am because of it but I am learning how to keep the lessons learned from my youth and get rid of the crap. It has been good for me.

[Porn_Guy]

wow thats pretty heavy stuff RP

[lovelorcet]

A member of my direct family was, and for a long time. It breaks my heart all the time to watch this person struggle with this everyday. I have tried to get them to a counselor many times but they refuse and would rather just try and forget the whole thing.

[RecordProducer]

Anyway, when I was about 14 and a half, I started saying NO cuz I decided that the contest didn't interest me anymore. At this time he asked me if I wanted to star in a porn movie, cuz we would get good money (yeah, like 500 bucks or so!).

I made myself re-read the whole post and this time it sounded less horrible to me than when I was writing it last night. I listened to James' advice - to release the details. And typing on LS is certainly easier than speaking in person.

 

I just wanted to add that I was never in any porn movie, the bastard didn't persuade me. He didn't even try, he just suggested, but still the thought of it is horrible...

[Great Gazoo]

Oh, Jesus, this is so sad. My sons are 8 and they are such innocent cute little babies that know nothing about life. I was 13-14 and it lasted for about a couple years. I thought of it as something that I agreed to as a grown girl... but when I was in my late 20s I realized that I was just a child. It doesn't matter how I looked and that I liked boys. I didn't know what was going on. Before it happend, I didn't even know that I had a hole there. I remember I thought that a man and woman only rubbed their organs and somehow the woman would get pregnant from that. I had never seen an erected penis before that. He stank like hell, his whole body and he made me kiss him and swallow his sperm. He made me have anal sex, too. I certainly didn't choose it at age 13. He would touch me all over whenever he wanted. The man who beat my mother. It was disgusting.

 

I've never said this to anyone except to my mom, but I will say it publicly now. And the reason why I will say it because I feel so ashamed of it. So I have to let it out.

 

I was around 12 or 13 when he told me I should try it. I said NO. He said WHY. I said "Certainly not with you." He said "Better me than someone else."

 

He dropped the idea. Later, he told me he saw me being obsessed with models and Miss Universe contests and stuff like that. He realized that I was fascinated by these girls. He said he had a friend who was in the jury for Miss Yugoslavia and could help me become a Miss. Hey, for a 13-year old child, that sounds like a dream come true. I didn't think I was pretty enough, but he persuaded me that he could make me pretty and he has the connection. I didn't related it to anything sexual, I just thought "cool!"

 

He made me pose nude for him and said it was very important for this guy. Later he said the film didn't come out well. Of course, he lied and god knows what happened to the photos. Later he told me that this guy told him that all girls get certain massages in order to shape their bodies. He said my face would get shaped very nicely if he would massage it from the inside of my mouth. That would also shape my mouth well.. Oh, goodness... for the first time, now that I am typing it, I realize how hilarious this would sound if it weren't so tragic. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. No wonder I was so ashamed of it.

 

Anyway, I somehow agreed to it. The next thing was him massaging my stomach, form the inside, of course, with his finger. But he said it won't get good enough for the contest unless we do the so-called "penis-massage" - which was "recommended" by his friend, who lived in another city, by the way.

 

So that's how it all happened. Furthermore, my breasts had to be massaged, too. And the "massage" was most effective right after or before my period, cuz of course, he didn't want me to get pregnant. Oh, and the sperm would make my tan clean.

 

I just can't believe that this is my reality, my childhood, and not some cheap movie scenario written by some totally un-talented writer.

 

I have asked myself a million times how I could have let this happen. I sensed that something was wrong. I REMEMBER very well that my intuition told me he was just using me, but I really, really believed that his friend existed and suggested all these massages. I just thought that he was enjoying it, too and THAT bothered me. But he told me that it was a boring obligation for him to help me and that he didn't enjoy it one bit.

 

Anyway, when I was about 14 and a half, I started saying NO cuz I decided that the contest didn't interest me anymore. At this time he asked me if I wanted to star in a porn movie, cuz we would get good money (yeah, like 500 bucks or so!).

 

I was suicidal at the time and started drinking. At age 15 and a half, I met my first BF and told him about this. The BF said that the step-father made the whole story up, that this other guy didn't exist (he didn't know the details though). I said I wasn't sure, but I would check.

 

So I called the number of the company where the step-monster said the president of the jury worked and asked for Mr. XY. I thought I would get the guy on the phone and ask him straightforwardly about this or that. I was preparing my question for a long time before I got the courage to call. They told me no such person worked in the company. I was shocked. My BF was right. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

However I feared him and didn't say anything for the next two years, except that I had a few fights with him where I would mention it and he would shut up.

 

At age 17 I confronted him, but I didn't do more than that. He said "So what? What do you want in return?" I had to pretend for years that I loved him and to hide it from my mom. Finally when I was 22, my best friend told me some guy fingered her once when she was like 3 or 4 in a park. I told her about my case without sharing any details. Then I told a few other people.

 

I worked for him at the time and after about a year, I decided to cut him off completely. I decided that he will no longer be in my life no matter what. It's interesting that a year earlier I had a dream in which somebody told me that on February 5th next year the step-monster would die. I was really happy about this. But I temporarily forgot about the dream.

 

When I decided to cut him off, it was a permanent decision and there was no doubt in my mind that this would happen. Then I suddenly realized that it was just a few days before February 5. I was waiting for him to die. Alas, it didn't happen. But he was dead for me.

 

I moved in with my ex-husband, who was still my BF at the time (it's not the same first BF). My mom insisted on me fixing the relationship with her husband and didn't realize that things were serious. She thought that he just didn't treat me with respect at work. But he treated me like a princess at work. Anyway, I told my ex that I would cut my mom off, too, because I couldn't tell her the truth and I couldn't make it up with the monster. My ex said I had to tell her the truth and asked me for a permission to tell her. I agreed to it and he told her. She dumped the step-monster and he moved out, cuz he got a new job in another city anyway.

 

Later we found out that he fooled her about the new apartment they bought - he didn't put her name on it at all and it was a huge problem. Also when he left, he put an alarm on one part of the apartment so that my mom wouldn't use it. However, we broke into it and when the police came, they asked for a document from court that split the apartment legally between the two of them. The monster's brother showed up as well and started insisting that we committed a crime by breaking into his brother's apartment. Since there was no document about division, the cops said the whole apartment belonged to my mother AND to the monster, but he had no right to prohibit her to use all of it. I was pregnant half way at the time.

 

I've had a lot of fights with my mom where we blamed each other, but she was always on my side. The garbage kept calling on the phone. I had the opportunity to tell him that he ruined my life, I called him names and hang up every time. My mom later sold the apartment and bought a smaller one. The scum-bag was calling to ask her for money. He got beaten up by someone, because he wanted to retrieve his stocks from the new business and it was about 1 million $. Naturally they didn't want to give it to him and since the mafia was involved, they tried to teach him a lesson or even kill him, I am not sure. But he ended up having two surgeries on his head. Unfortunately, he didn't die.

 

As much as I know, he lives in a rented apartment or maybe he owns it. He is not re-married, and he is retired. I am pretty sure that everyone in his environment knows the story about him and me. He also has a reputation of a player and cheater.

 

He called a few years ago and woke me up. He asked how I was and I said I was OK and I will be good. That was all. He called a few more times and my mom told him she had no money for him, she didn't have the strength to argue.

 

I just want to find his phone number, call him, and tell him how much he screwed up my life and how much I hate him and wish him the worst death possible. I also want to record the conversation and give it to the prosecutor - one of them happens to me my father's first neighbor and my grand-ma is good friends with his mother.

 

If necessary, I will go testify against him. I will use the time to see my dad anyway. The prosecution can't be more difficult for me than the lack of it. I can't let him get away with this. Even if he wins the court case, the whole town, which is about half a million people, will know about his crime. If they could say before that I just wanted revenge for whatever reason and I was setting him up, now that I live in the US and so many years have passed with no contact, I think everyone would believe me. If he could get just one year in jail, I would be extremely happy!

 

FYI, this idea just occurred me tonight. I didn't intend to take him to court, but I might do it. He doesn't deserve to be free and walk away from what he did. I wonder if he ever did it to other girls.

 

Thanks and I am sure therapy could help me. I would LOVE to meet you. Let's arrange it. I'll PM you.

 

Oh, I am so sorry. Poor thing.

 

P.S. Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes I might have made... I just don't have the strength to re-read all the crap.

 

 

:(:( The only thing that comes to mind is that saying, what does not kill us only makes us stronger.

[Great Gazoo]

My sister went through this, it changed her life in a million ways, she went to counseling, went through detox, AA, spent time in the hospital, went suicidal,did cutting, was placed in a mental institution.

 

She got onto anti depressants which helped alot and she found god. She just got married to a very nice man, has a very good job and is finally happy.

 

I also have a dear friend who went through this and I can see how it effects her life. So my heart goes out to you all who had this happen to them.

[amaysngrace]

I was sort of molested when Iw as young. My mother used to make me go in the living room naked so her and her friends could laugh at my penis.

 

I don't know where the boundaries lie on molestation but this sounds like you were. Maybe it's exploitation?

 

In any event it is traumatic. Young kids shouldn't have people treat them this way, especially adults. Especially adults they trust. Or are suppose to.

 

I'm happy to hear you're dealing with this. I had a similar episode once happen to me, only it was not a grown up making me get naked but other kids. They went first. I followed but I cried a lot the whole time. They called me a baby for crying to make me disrobe too.

 

I think it was after I was molested.

 

I guess this incident is another thing I need to bring up in counseling. Thank you for reminding me of it Woggle. I don't know if I'd have put two and two together without you sharing your story.

 

XO

[amaysngrace]

FYI, this idea just occurred me tonight. I didn't intend to take him to court, but I might do it. He doesn't deserve to be free and walk away from what he did.

 

I think taking him to court is a good idea if it will bring more healing in you. It could be the closure that you need.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It does make you feel as though you're responsible in a way but it's so not the case. He had power and you were powerless. God only knows what kind of thoughts go through your head at the time.

 

We are taught to be good girls afterall, aren't we? To respect and listen to adults.

[RecordProducer]

We are taught to be good girls afterall, aren't we? To respect and listen to adults.

Thanks. I also feared him to the point of feeling nausea in my stomach.

[Carbine]

Was anyone molested when they were young? Did you seek help for it?

Yes, from the time I was about 6 (I'm 25 now). It was ongoing but I don't remember for how long. I sought help more for the repurcussions of the abuse rather than the abuse itself.

 

I'm afraid that so much of who I am is a result of what happened to me in the past.

Being afraid won't change things. I'm not saying that you have to confront it head-on, but the sooner you're willing to accept that the 'you' today is largely a product of your abuse, then the easier it is to start piecing things together. It's not going to help your suffering, but it's probably the only sort of closure that you're ever going to get.

 

Will counseling change things in me? Will I lose my identity somehow?

It's different for everyone. I've heard heaps of people say that it's helped them enormously. Me personally? It did f*** all. I talked things through with counsellors till I was blue in the face, and it did nothing to give me any clarity, bestow any sort of self-awareness upon me, or anything like that. All it boiled down to was having to listen to the same mechanical nonsense; "You need to stop playing the victim, don't let him win, you can move on from what happened to you and live a normal, fulfilling life". I wanted to scream "Well how about this? I'll take you out to the back yard 3 or 4 times a week, drag you behind a tree and inflict upon you what I had done to me, and then turn to you with a big plastic smile and tell you that you simply need to 'stop playing the victim'".

 

I really do not understand the point of counselling.

 

No, counselling is not going to make you lose your identity. It's already been lost with what you've gone through. Well, maybe not 'lost' but obscured and distorted by the abuse and it's repurcussions. You'll see the world differently to others, feel different emotions, think different thoughts. Trying to kid yourself that you can be 'normal' now is pointless IMO. Once you've endured abuse of that sort, you don't go back. It's part of you now, and where you go from here - whether you stagnate or take a different path - is not for me to say.

 

Good luck.

[coco_milkshake]

Hey RP I felt so sad reading your story. I hope the bastard rots in hell. I am pleased that you are willing to testify in court against him and hopefully the counselling and what not will help you in the long run.

 

I have only just recently told my counsellor about what happened to me and I honestly felt that I was over it but according to him, he thinks I am still having a hard time dealing with it - maybe I am still in denial about it but I guess automatically blocking it made me feel like I was dealing with it better - apparently not.

 

I dont see him as much even though he lives in the same area as me. I do still see his parents and I feel uncomfortable around them and when I look at his dad I can see his face and I know I shouldnt be blaming the parents cos Im sure they didnt want him to turn out like this but I get the shudders when I see them.

 

The first time it happened, it took place in my gran's room - the room I still sleep in. He brought me close to him and he lifted up my top. He started kissing me and my neck and all over my chest and stomach while whispering 'beautiful' to me at the same time. Our parents were sitting downstairs. He went past my navel and started to unbutton my jeans and and was beginning to unzip it. We both heard the footsteps of my mum coming up and he panicked, he forced my top back down and sat on the bed like nothing had happened. I had no clue what he was doing at the time. He then tried to make me do what he did to me and although I was so young something told me that this was not right.

 

Later on downstairs, I fell and collided with the radiator and my shoulder was hurting - he started massaging it and he was feeling me up and I felt so uncomfortable.

 

He has done this to me at his house as well under the pretext of playing "doctors" - I cringe when I think about this now. He started bullying me afterwards - at family get togethers he would mock me and make fun of me in front of our other cousins and he had this smug grin on his face and I felt sick and anger towards him - I never responded to his taunts and would just walk away.

 

I havent seen him in years thank God - the last I heard he got this girl pregnant which was a big deal cos of our culture and all and then he married her only to divorce her when his son was 6 months old - their marriage didnt even last a year.

[Porn_Guy]

i think i was molested too...but i don't know when or by whom

[coco_milkshake]

Can you tell us what happened PG?

[amaysngrace]

The first time it happened, it took place in my gran's room - the room I still sleep in.

 

I read your other post Coco. I think it would be really good for you to move out of that house. It has to be hard to get over while you're still there.

 

I think sometimes facing change is scarier to us than being uncomfortable in our surroundings. For some reason we take comfort in the familiar even if it makes us uncomfortable.

 

But change is good. Especially when what you're leaving behind is not so good. It's a gutsy move but once you go through with it you will find you are stronger for it. And much more comfortable too in the long run.

[amaysngrace]

I sought help more for the repurcussions of the abuse rather than the abuse itself.

 

 

 

Thank you for your input here. My BF shares the same thoughts as you. He too is a survivor of child molestation. His piano teacher. His teacher was a male.

 

He thinks you can put it behind you without counseling. He's never gone. He thinks I should be hypnotized to get the details of what happened. He swears through meditation he can help me get past it.

 

I don't even know if I need to know all the details. I think they must have been blocked out for a reason, no?

 

I was young. Seven or eight. I don't recall the actual act at all. I just remember his chair and his nurse lady closing the French doors to the room we were in from outside the room. I remember the little round table next to us.

 

I remember being told that he shot himself in the head. I remember the next family that moved into his house. They had girls. I always thought something was wrong with those girls although it was probably a very nice family.

 

Does anyone think you need to recall the actual act to heal? Will there always be questions surrounding it unless you do?

[amaysngrace]

i think i was molested too...but i don't know when or by whom

 

Have you thought this for most of your life? From what I've read online it says if you've thought it throughout your lifetime you should trust your gut.

 

Apparently it's not something that just randomly enters your mind.

[NearlyThere]

Thank you for your input here. My BF shares the same thoughts as you. He too is a survivor of child molestation. His piano teacher. His teacher was a male.

 

He thinks you can put it behind you without counseling. He's never gone. He thinks I should be hypnotized to get the details of what happened. He swears through meditation he can help me get past it.

 

I don't even know if I need to know all the details. I think they must have been blocked out for a reason, no?

 

I was young. Seven or eight. I don't recall the actual act at all. I just remember his chair and his nurse lady closing the French doors to the room we were in from outside the room. I remember the little round table next to us.

 

I remember being told that he shot himself in the head. I remember the next family that moved into his house. They had girls. I always thought something was wrong with those girls although it was probably a very nice family.

 

Does anyone think you need to recall the actual act to heal? Will there always be questions surrounding it unless you do?

 

I've only ever posted once on here before about this and its the only time in my life i've ever mentioned it. It was not my thread but I wrote in it, try not to be disgusted at what I said, I know its odd for someone who has been abused to say what ive said.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97082/

 

I try to forget it as much as I can, it was 34 years ago now, I was 7. But now I am sitting here and thinking about it I can remember the occassions he did something as if it was yesterday, although sometimes it also feels like a haze. I dont like to think about it, as I said in the prev thread I still somehow feel like it was my fault and I encouraged it as I was such a precocious child, although I really know that I didnt.

 

I can remember the act, so as I can remember dont know if I can say there will always be questions or not. I dont have any questions though, is that strange, I have just resigned myself to thats what happened to me.

 

Only you will need to know if you want to find out the whole sequence of events, ie if you cant move on without it.

[Porn_Guy]

Have you thought this for most of your life? From what I've read online it says if you've thought it throughout your lifetime you should trust your gut.

 

Apparently it's not something that just randomly enters your mind.

I have dreams once in a great while of some cloaked people doing things to me sexually. I don't know if these are repressed memories or what-not or if it never happened.

[whichwayisup]

My heart goes out to all of you. I haven't been abused, but my bestfriend was as a kid and growing up in her early teens.

 

Stay strong.

 

I have dreams once in a great while of some cloaked people doing things to me sexually. I don't know if these are repressed memories or what-not or if it never happened.

 

Would you consider hypotherapy? Maybe it could shed some light on the dreams/repressed memories.

[amaysngrace]

Thank you Nearly There for posting the link with your story in it. XO

 

I guess I should be thankful that I can't remember the vivid details. I am still working on getting past this. It gets pretty emotional.

 

I have already accepted that it happened. And that it was meant to happen. And that now is the time I'm meant to be facing it. To get past it.

 

But at the same time I don't know 100% that it did occur. I'm pretty sure that it did. I can't see having so many memories of that room and that house without it happening. Also being one of six children how come I'm the one who ended up with emotional issues? How come I didn't have a happy relationship in my life whereas my sisters knew who they wanted to marry by the time they were 22? And are still married happily today? How come no one else had esteem issues? Or eating disorders? Or are considered overly sexual? How come so many priests commit suicide when they're found out? How come my abuser did too after my mother walked me to his house to return the flowers? How come I was so emotional walking up his steps onto his front porch that I nearly wet myself right there? Picking someone's flowers is bad but my mother certainly didn't shame me excessively for the act.

 

In my heart I know the answer. I just don't know for sure of it in my head.

 

Has anybody been here before? Do you need to know for sure to get past it or were you able to just convince yourself? And if so, how? XO

[Porn_Guy]

Would you consider hypotherapy? Maybe it could shed some light on the dreams/repressed memories.

no...i think its most likely from all the porn i watch.

 

one of my old g/f did try to rape me once when I wasn't in the mood for sex. but i think she was joking around.

[GreenEyedLady]

Has anybody been here before? Do you need to know for sure to get past it or were you able to just convince yourself? And if so, how? XO

 

I too was sexually abused as a child...I was 7 years old and it went on for over a year...it was my dad's father...he's dead now...

 

I don't think it is something that you will ever "get over" but it is something that you can "move on" from...the older I get, the less and less it hurts me...I made a conscious choice that I was going to move on and I have...now it's been so long and is so far away from me, that it's almost like it happened to someone else...

 

But sometimes all it takes is a certain smell that triggers a memory...and I just tell myself, that it's ok, he can't hurt me anymore...

 

Everyone is different, but I hope this helps...GEL

[Mz. Pixie]

I was sort of molested when Iw as young. My mother used to make me go in the living room naked so her and her friends could laugh at my penis. I am in counseling right now and it is helping quite a bit. I am not changing who I am because of it but I am learning how to keep the lessons learned from my youth and get rid of the crap. It has been good for me.

 

This is definitely sexual abuse Wog. Sexual abuse doesn't have to be just intercourse. It can be verbal and things like what your mom did.

 

She's twisted.

[Mz. Pixie]

no...i think its most likely from all the porn i watch.

 

one of my old g/f did try to rape me once when I wasn't in the mood for sex. but i think she was joking around.

 

I hope you're not coming here to poke fun because sexual abuse is nothing to laugh about.

[Mz. Pixie]

Cool, let us know how it works

 

And Mz. Pixie very sorry to hear that, do you still talk to your mother? That's the most terrible thing not believing someone that comes forward with something like this...

 

You know you can still press charges against him if he's still alive, even though there'd be no evidence they can still be there

 

My mom died about three years ago and my stepfather died two years ago. Both smoking related.

 

I have never really cried or missed my mother. She had a narcassitic personality disorder and was extremely abusive herself.

 

I think she knew deep down inside that I was telling the truth but just couldn't humble herself after all of those years to tell me. The day she had the stroke that took her life she woke up first thing that am and said that she wanted to see her daughter. I guess I'll always wonder whether or not she was going to ask for my forgiveness.

 

I wouldn't have pressed charges on him even later in life because he was the sole financial support of my mother while she was ill.

 

I know it sounds horrible to talk about one's mother that way, but she was truly not a good mother. Most people can't understand.

 

At any rate, I've been in therapy- in and out for about ten years. Really hurt me after the birth of my first child. I looked at him and said "I would die for you or kill for you" and I just couldn't wrap my head around how my mother didn't feel the same way and protect me. Truth is she loved that SOB more than she loved her child. Period. I have forgiven her though as a gift for myself. I have forgiven him as a gift for myself. Will I ever get completely over it?? No, I doubt it.

 

I promised myself that when I got older if the subject came up again I wouldn't hold back (I told her when I was like 12 the first time).

 

It did come up. She was railing on me about how terrible I treated my stepfather and I calmly said "Why do you think that is mom??? Am I that way to anyone else?"

 

So it all came out. UGLY. But I got to tell her every single thing I'd held back on all my life. All the things I wanted to scream at her for years. I let it all out, she of course said that I was a liar..........she told me that because he put me through private school growing up I shouldn't have told. I said "Mother if you think that gives him the right to try to have sex with me then you're crazier than I think you are"

 

I have no doubt though that when she died, she found out really quickly how I was telling the truth, because I believe as a Christian everyone has to go through judgement. She surely had to face God when he told her I'd been telling the truth all along!!!