Molested as a young child?

[CardPlay3r]

Wow powerful story Mz...I guess alot of ppl deny the obvious at the expense of really hurting the ones they love just so they don't "look bad" in their social circle, don't get talked about etc.

[RecordProducer]

As pathetic as the abusers are! Some people actually ARE those profiles. I would assume that anyone who can't see our suffering for what it is, who is not disgusted by this crime, and has no compassion for us the victims is no different from those criminals.

 

I wonder if some molesters come to these threads and regret what they've done. I'd really love to see some of them signed on as Guests to tell us their story and how worthwhile it was for them to destroy our lives in order to get sick sexual pleasure.

 

I have learned something from all bad things that have happened to me in my life, but this one thing did nothing but harm me and ruin my happiness. I think the reason why this type of crime is encouraged by the law and the offenders are protected by children's silence is not because of the shame the victims feel - it's because sexual offenders are so prevalent that the legal system is not motivated to dig them up and punish them. They could easily protect the children if they wanted to, but they don't want to. Because molesters are everywhere - among those who make and implement the law, too. And that pisses the sh*t out of me! :mad:

[amaysngrace]

I don't think it is something that you will ever "get over" but it is something that you can "move on" from...the older I get, the less and less it hurts me...I made a conscious choice that I was going to move on and I have...now it's been so long and is so far away from me, that it's almost like it happened to someone else...

 

 

 

Thank you for this. I'm sorry you went through this too. I hope to move on like you did. It's just the realization is so new to me that I'm now just starting to deal with it.

 

Everybody's advice, love and caring on this thread has been overwhelming. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this but really I wish I were. I wish no one went through this.

 

XO

[amaysngrace]

 

I would assume that anyone who can't see our suffering for what it is, who is not disgusted by this crime, and has no compassion for us the victims is no different from those criminals.

 

 

It takes a real sick someone to get their jollies from injustices being done to children.

[amaysngrace]

She surely had to face God when he told her I'd been telling the truth all along!!!

 

I'm so so sorry for what you've been through.

 

I admire you though. You are strong beyond belief.

 

XO

[PWSX3]

I want to thank all of you for sharing these stories that have been very personal to each one of you so others such as myself can learn.

 

My W and I are separated, but she was sexually abused in high school by her brother. She has gone to counsoling for it, but I feel she still hasn't gotten over it and by the sound of things you never do. She has told me little pieces of it but I feel there is more to it that she still holds inside.

 

She had sent him a letter and told him what he did wasn't right and he just said they were both young and didn't take responsibility for it so she has disowned him as her brother. Like I said I'm not sure what the counselor and the W did or what was said, but I think she wrote herself a letter that more or less wrote her brother off.

 

Listening to your stories has helped me some to understand what she might still be going thru and like I said, I really think she still has those demons she needs to work thru and some of that could still have an effect on our relationship.

 

I wish everyone of you the best.

[lonelybird]

I am so sorry that you had been through these things. Though I don't know what to say, but I know a woman who was molested by her father when she was a child:( , but good news is that she is having a rejoycing life now, and she is helping other people how to heal and have a joyful life. If you are interested, here is her website.

 

http://www.joycemeyer.org/

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm so so sorry for what you've been through.

 

I admire you though. You are strong beyond belief.

 

XO

 

Hey, thanks Amays!!!! You are too!

[Mz. Pixie]

I am so sorry that you had been through these things. Though I don't know what to say, but I know a woman who was molested by her father when she was a child:( , but good news is that she is having a rejoycing life now, and she is helping other people how to heal and have a joyful life. If you are interested, here is her website.

 

http://www.joycemeyer.org/

 

 

Yes, I know Joyce Meyer- she rocks!

[Guest - Sacramento]

Was anyone molested when they were young? Did you seek help for it?

 

I'm afraid that so much of who I am is a result of what happened to me in the past.

 

Will counseling change things in me? Will I lose my identity somehow?

 

You commented on my posting regarding my sexual abuse as a child...and since we are both relatively in the same spot regarding our abuse....

 

I would say def see a therapist. If its a good one they will teach you so much and be able to help you. I used to hate thearapists because I remember being stuck in one all the time as a kid...You have to want it though. You have to want to change. I was at a point where I didnt understand where my behaviour was coming from and why I was acting the way I was and how inappropriate it was....

 

In a month I can tell you I have changed leaps and bounds. Im still pretty much the same person and its hard to change such ingrown habits....Ive carried them around for 28 yrs. But if you want to change for the positive I definetly think you can. I feel like the cards are stacked way against me because I have almost all the symptoms of the sexually abused child...I have so many things that trigger self destructiveness in me. But I WANT to change and if you want to you can too.

 

I think you will always be the same core person, you will always know what happened to you in the past....but the past does not define who we are today.

 

Hope this helps you in some way

God Bless

[Guest]

I was also molested as a child by my own dad. I went to therapy after i tried to kill myself when i was a teenager but it didn't last long. I thought i was strong enough to get over it and moved on with my life. I married and told myself that this should be another chapter of the book that was my life.

 

I'm now in my mid-30s and i have to admit that i'm so messed up. I've been cheating the H and I can't find any justification except for my dark past. But even that is no justification at all. I just feel that i've totally lost my soul. And even though i can always escape, pretend that everything's normal, i find it hard to escape my conscience. I don't even wanna kill myself anymore coz i think i deserve to suffer from all the sins i did to my H and kids.

 

I know and i've read here that the only way to approach this problem is to seek professional help..to start from the roots..to re-program one's self. But i just feel that i'm beyond redemption..like i'm too old to change my ways or maybe i'm still finding comfort or fleeting satisfaction in my little deceits. The H has forgiven me and doesn't wanna leave me after i've 'fessed up but he doesn't know how to help me either.

 

I don't even know if i wanna see a shrink coz i don't know what good it would do when i'm trapped in this marriage. He'd rather kill himself than separate from me.

 

I've thought of leaving them instead..maybe live in another country. They'll never forgive me but at least i'd still have the chance to explain everything and ask for their forgiveness someday. I just wanna find myself.

[Guest]

RP

Your story is a lot like mine I feel like I went from one abusive family to another one when I married(not my husband). My husband would always have me just stay quiet and not say or do anything or It would just make things worse. Well up teen years later it has blown up to be much worse. My husband now to late realizes the detraction and vindictiveness against me should have been nipped in the bud in the beginning even if it meant no relationship with his brother and parents.

 

So now up teen years later at 40 years of age we are at the point of a big mountain of bitterness in our hearts that has accumulated thru the years along with the new hurt, lies,and, injustice against us and our children. We are thru were not taking this abuse anymore for the sake of having family. Their just not worth it, nobody is worth going to Hell for!!!

[GreenEyedLady]

I know and i've read here that the only way to approach this problem is to seek professional help..to start from the roots..to re-program one's self. But i just feel that i'm beyond redemption..

I don't even know if i wanna see a shrink coz i don't know what good it would do when i'm trapped in this marriage.I just wanna find myself.

 

So you know what you need to do, so do it...start taking responsibility now and stop running away...

 

If you really felt you were beyond redemption, you wouldn't have come here in the first place...

 

It's not a point of wanting to see a shrink, you HAVE to...stop hurting yourself and those around you...get help...and stop making excuses...what happened to you was awful, but YOU are the one who decides how the rest of your life goes...

[boshemia]

Something I wanted to share. The idea of counseling can be scary, some of us have the "Clockwork Orange" idea that they are going to strap us in a chair, prop our eyes open, and force us to look at images of our past until we can look without reacting.

 

Or maybe that's just me...

 

We never really talk about the abuse, Mr. R has certainly never asked me to tell him anything about it. We talk about whatever I feel like talking about at the time, sometimes I mention a small part of it, most times I do not. He's not helping me face the abuse so much as he is helping me face the effects of it.

 

I was convinced the abuse had no effects on me. I'm not an angry person, in fact I'm never really angry about anything, including the stuff I should be angry about. I mean, I would never abuse my kids, in fact I let them push me around most of the time. In fact I let everyone push me around. it never affected my sex life either... I love sex. The word nympho has been mentioned once or twice... I was such a good girl that the word no never entered my vocabulary until recently. My friends ran my life, my family ran my life, my lovers ran my life... everyone but me it seemed.

 

 

These were the effects of MY abuse, not everyone has the same effects. I've spent 34 years hating myself, berating myself for every mistake I've ever made. Feeling like a total waste of space on this planet. The ONLY thing that has kept me alive was my kids, I had to keep convincing myself daily that they needed me. No matter how bad a F***up I was, the damage it would do to them if I commited suicide was just too great.

 

We all come away from abuse with a certain tainted feeling, some people are pi**ed off at the world, others like me turn all of that anger inside. I still can't look in the mirror without turning away, but I'm getting there. I can actually say I like myself now, AND I can tell someone what there is about me TO like.

 

I don't dream about dying anymore, I dream about living. About waking up to a fresh day and seeing possibilities instead of pain. I see a future where there was none before... I don't feel hopelessly screwed up anymore, I almost... feel... normal...

 

I laugh, and I smile... and out of all of it, that's what I like the most. I finally understand what it means to love myself.

 

Yes, counseling is a big step, and it is scary... I've been in counseling off and on since I was 16, nearly twenty years now. I would go for a few weeks, and then decide it wasn't helping and quit until my next major crisis. It took me a few tries to finally find a counselor that I can really relate to. It may take you a few tries too, don't give up.

 

Now I look forward to each week, to sharing a new insight, or asking new questions and actually getting answers.

 

I wouldn't wish abuse on anyone, but I do wish everyone happiness... we all deserve that...

[amaysngrace]

You commented on my posting regarding my sexual abuse as a child...

 

Hope this helps you in some way

 

 

 

Your help has changed my life.

 

Thank You XO

[PuppyDogEyes]

I just wanted to comment here and say 'thank you' to everyone that has shared their story, as I now feel not so much alone in the fact that I, too, have suffered from child molestation. I had done my best to block out all memories of it, but my therapy over the course of the last year has brought it out, and it's one of the horrible, horrible things that I've had to face up to and deal with.

 

It's bad when your life freezes at 8 years of age.

 

Everything that I have done, every decision that I have made, and every fear that I now hold can be directly traced back to that period of time. It is the cause of the breakdown of my family (I was blamed, although not directly - it was more blaming through omission, if you follow me - I was never told that it wasn't my fault, so I just always assumed that it was). It is the reason that I trust no one and it is one of the main reasons that I just feel dead inside, all of the time. I'm working to fix that, but there's so much pain. So much.

 

As horrible as all of these stories are and will remain so, I am relieved that I am not alone, that others have suffered right along beside me and therefore will know how I feel. There is camraderie in pain - maybe that's the only good thing that has come out of this.

 

- pde.

[boshemia]

Reading through these posts makes me so angry... To take a child, an innocent creature and so carelessly take their innocence away from them is just beyond me. The strength everyone has shown here is amazing, to just tell their stories means digging so deep inside that it hurts... and to tell it to help another is true strength in action.

 

I can't get back what was taken from me, none of us can... yet still you give to others in their time of need. The selfishness that was used to hurt so many, is turned around to become true compassion for another human being.

 

Saying I'm proud of you doesn't quite sound right, but I just wanted to say how truly blessed we have all been to know that we have never really been alone.

[Zona76]

Mine is different but I carried with me the guilt all my life.

A lot is guilt because I never told and fear I might have prevented a repeat or worse.

Long story so bare with me. I grew up in a loving home. We had very little. Parents struggled. We were poor Dad always invested poorly. He tried so hard. Toys were rare even at Christmas. Often I'd hear Dad cry because he didn't know how he'd be able to feed the family the next meal. But I never went hungry. Often I would beg mom for a peanut butter sandwich to "picnic" in the back yard in order to leave more food on the table for my hard working father. Besides there were orange trees and I never felt hungry. I was the youngest of 3 girls.

Dad would be so upset reading the paper and hearing on the news of some man who sexually abused a child. He swore everytime and loudly announced to the family if ever someone touched one of his girls in the wrong way, he's not ask any questions but go buy a gun and shoot the "S.O.B."

 

So my Dads friend frequently hung out at our place. He was Daddy's Best Friend; and there was no reason not to trust him. Bill and I would walk across the street to the canal and just quietly listen to nature. I was around 4 or 5 I guess. I would scrunch my fingers in the soil. feeling the warm moist earth. This felt good. Quietly watching the currents flow and listening to the birds. Then my hand felt something different. I didn't look as I was watching the water. I felt smoothness now not of earth. Still I didn't look but after a while I was curious and I saw I was holding in my hand Bill's Testicles. I had never seen a man.. not even a baby boy but growing up on a farm I knew there were differences and immediately felt the guilt.

Quickly I felt the horror of what "I" was doing and stood up making an excuse of having to go to the bathroom. Bill lingered and I thought he was gone when I returned to the backyard. He smiled back and to my relief I thought he forgot or didn't realize what I had done.. then suddenly he dropped his trousers and said, "Ever seen one of these before?"

Oh GOD, you need to know the shame I felt. I was not scared of him, I was so afraid he would tell someone I had touched him.. I turned and ran. I stayed in my room for days. Making excuses. When Bill came to visit my Dad... I would retreat to my room again. Waiting to be punished. Eventually Mom kept questioning... asking why I wouldn't come out to visit .. I would say only I didn't feel good. But she knew this as an excuse as I would go back out again after he left. I then realized not telling my story I was protecting Dad from going to jail. I only knew if you killed someone you would go to Jail and I believed in my heart Daddy would have got that gun and killed this man without asking questions.

Eventually I confessed to Mom.. and made her swear she wouldn't tell Daddy. I told her only that Bill had dropped his pants and showed me his nakedness. I didn't like him anymore and refused to be in his company. She bore my secret.

Years later with my toddling daughter.. when I was at my folks house I would still cringe at the sight of him when he would come to visit. Holding my girl tightly and protectively in my arms and make an excuse for having to get back home.

After Dad passed away Bill came to visit me.

I wanted so to let go and scream at him for allowing me to feel this guilt all these years but all I saw was a weak, wrinkled, balding old man and to have him have a heart-attack in my driveway, was the last thing I wanted.

[EricOnTheWeb]

Geez,Carla...*)))))hugs to ya((((

I knew someone that held a 9 year old girl at gun-point, and done the full thing to her(you know what I mean). He was turned in under an arrest warrant and is now in the North carolina justice system. I have no idea what kind of sentence he got.

I hope he gets to know what it feels like to be violated like that,in prison he surley has a good chance right?..lol These people should be hung in the streets...Like your father,carla,I would not hesitate to shoot the S.O.B.

 

In my opinion....This is the worst crime that could ever be commited...(This is "my" opinion) these people should never get a second chance. After all haven't they ruined a perfectly good child with an inocent heart?...these molesters scar those childs heart forever. I have no tolerance for such a beast of a person..they can rot away in prison and I'll gladly laugh at them as I drive past showing off my new Corvette and saying..."HAVE FUN WITH BUBBA TONIGHT!!"

 

))))hugs to all that had this happen to them(((

[amaysngrace]

I've been in counseling for a few months now because of this. It's helping me a lot. I thought it was going to leave me empty but it hasn't at all. In fact I feel like there's been a lifelong void that's finally filling up, if that makes sense.

 

I'm still me. I'm just a better, more complete me. I know that I still have a ways to go but I will not give up until I have finished what I set out to do, and that was to get the help that I needed to work through this thing that happened.

 

I'm no longer mad that it happened to me. I'm okay with myself. I think in time I'm going to love my life like I did when I was six years old again. At least that's my ultimate hope.

 

I wish everyone on this thread the love and the happiness you are all so deserving of.

 

XO

[PuppyDogEyes]

In my opinion....This is the worst crime that could ever be commited...(This is "my" opinion) these people should never get a second chance. After all haven't they ruined a perfectly good child with an innocent heart?

 

Yes. They have.

 

they can rot away in prison

 

The person that did this to me is now serving time, not for what he did to me, but because he did it to another person. I keep my eye on his parole hearings. Because I'll be damned, I'll be damned, I'll be damned if I'll let this waste of sperm cells ever get out to do it again. Ever. You can take that to the bank.

 

As long as I'm alive, he'll never see the light of day again. Because I won't let it happen to another child. I won't allow what happened to me to happen to someone else.

 

Amen to your statement that they can rot away. That's all.

 

- pde.