pureinheart Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hey NJ....what does OP'S actually mean? Other person....other party? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hey NJ....what does OP'S actually mean? Other person....other party? Yes, it's the OW or OM in an affair...Other Person. It can also mean Original Poster, in a different context. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Yes, it's the OW or OM in an affair...Other Person. It can also mean Original Poster, in a different context. Thanks NJ.....have wanted to ask that question, but forget.... Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 So true that any one wishes to be adored, but adoration does not necessarily equal love nor the most important aspect of a relationship: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I would choose be respected for my attributes as opposed to "just" adored as well as give the same. I may adore someone and they may also be quite annoying! Just because they are adorable would not make them a candidate for a relationship or even a just a friend. Children and pets may be have an excuse to be adorable but those of us with lives and realistic responsibilites cannot rely on "adorable". However, I do agree that some men seem to need more validation in that area! It's very much about the "type" of attention they need. It's all right as long as there is respect and a balance present: where both adore each other and RESPECT each other for those adorable traits. As a matter of personal experience I have found that what I adored in someone too often turns out to later be what I find more irritating. It's kind of like rescuing a puppy and then the puppy craps all over the place, chews up my shoes and spreads icky garbage all over the house. Reality kicks in and it's no longer about adorable--it's about responsibility and reality. Even pet rescue programs are now "matching" families with pets before a family is allowed to adopt a pet. Just because they are cute and they look at you with puppy eyes may not mean that they are a good match... What I adored blinded me to reality. What I was too busy adoring made me forget what was adorable about myself and my needs should be honored and respected. I would hope one would value both's needs in a relationship, with adoration just being one of those aspects.... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 OMG Puddle....I just read your reply and it mirrors what I have been pondering and thinking...honestly am not a reply stealer.... I respected ex-MM's work ability, but did not respect him as a person....I did loose touch with reality in that state....thank you, you have answered a question that I didn't even know how to ask.... Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 my MM has told me that i make him feel wanted, and that he does not get this feeling from his W. i told him that his wife already has him and probably doesnt feel the need to show him constantly how much she truly does want him. i am sure she feels that he knows. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 my MM has told me that i make him feel wanted, and that he does not get this feeling from his W. i told him that his wife already has him and probably doesnt feel the need to show him constantly how much she truly does want him. i am sure she feels that he knows. For the MM in these situations, its so easy for them to forget the "unwantable" things that they do on a regular basis that just turns their Ws off. For example: Farting Belching Clipping their toenails and leaving them around for someone else to cleanup Picking out their nose hairs and again not cleaning them up Constantly forgetting to do the things that they are responsible for in the household Acting like incapable babies just because they have a sniffle Only playing with the kids AFTER they have been cleaned and fed (not actually feeding or cleaning them!) Basically not giving half as much as they are requiring of their spouse. There is absolutely nothing adorable or admirable about the above. And I stopped the list as it could go on and on and on and on.....you get the picture. And then they say that she (the W) doesn't want them. HA! I am convinced that most Affair couples that do get together following the end of the M don't make it to the 3% level for just that reason. Guy thinks he is such a catch and so does OW, until she lives with him and discovers for herself that he created the monster he claimed his W to be. Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Those were good points NID, but not all men are like the above. My MM is a perfectionist, and i can GUARANTEE that none of the above is true for him. I will admit that if we did get together, i would have to shape up. He does the dishes BEFORE he even sits down to eat. He folds the clothes if they are sitting in the basket. He bathes the kids. He makes supper. He does the chores in the house BEFORE 8am. Get where i'm going with this....... The man is crazy i tell you, and he works all day. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Those were good points NID, but not all men are like the above. My MM is a perfectionist, and i can GUARANTEE that none of the above is true for him. I will admit that if we did get together, i would have to shape up. He does the dishes BEFORE he even sits down to eat. He folds the clothes if they are sitting in the basket. He bathes the kids. He makes supper. He does the chores in the house BEFORE 8am. Get where i'm going with this....... The man is crazy i tell you, and he works all day. SH I wouldn't be willing to "shape up" for anyone but myself. Selfish, eh? From the outset your MM sounds like a catch and I have dated guys like him. At first it was cute and endearing, and then as we spent more time together and they started telling ME how to do things or otherwise making me feel stupid for not being like them. WTFE!!! So, I get what you are saying, but it still goes both ways. You got the lazy H that wants to feel wanted while not holding up his end of the bargain. And you got the Type A/Perfectionist spouse that you can't live up to, no matter how much you try. No one wants to feel inferior just because the other person is a perfectionist. I know a little something about this as I am the perfectionist in my home. My poor H. No wonder he our communication broke down. And I mean that in ALL seriousness. You cannot talk to a perfectionist about our issues. Afterall we are perfect. LOL!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 But don't get me wrong. I do know that men like to be admired. What BH said about hanging the door was soooooo true. It also applies to sex. Books always say to tell him what you like (the man you are having sex with, not necessarily MM or H), but they never tell you how to tell him how to do it RIGHT (at least the way you want it done) without hurting their widdle feelings. Sometimes I think that men are just too confusing. They run around like they are unbreakable, and then they come home and act like they're broken. Its cute and annoying all at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 SH I wouldn't be willing to "shape up" for anyone but myself. Selfish, eh? From the outset your MM sounds like a catch and I have dated guys like him. At first it was cute and endearing, and then as we spent more time together and they started telling ME how to do things or otherwise making me feel stupid for not being like them. WTFE!!! So, I get what you are saying, but it still goes both ways. You got the lazy H that wants to feel wanted while not holding up his end of the bargain. And you got the Type A/Perfectionist spouse that you can't live up to, no matter how much you try. No one wants to feel inferior just because the other person is a perfectionist. I know a little something about this as I am the perfectionist in my home. My poor H. No wonder he our communication broke down. And I mean that in ALL seriousness. You cannot talk to a perfectionist about our issues. Afterall we are perfect. LOL!!! Stillhere...your MM is probably cool, so this is not directed your way.... NID....I have had the lazy H....and the perfectionist...my ex-bf was a perfectionist....OMG ...oh also he resembled Don Johnson....was a total babe....BUT SO CONCEITED!!!!! I'll take the lazy one.... Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 If you read the Marriage Builders site on how to 'affair-proof' your marriage, there's a great list of 'Emotional Needs' there. One of the most important for some people is 'Admiration'. The theory goes that if your most important needs aren't being met by your partner, it's only a matter of time before they're met by someone else... and 'admiration' is a nice easy one for other people to meet, isn't it, along with 'conversation'? According to the site, we fall in love with people that meet our most important emotional needs... and that's how people end up falling in love with others outside their primary relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 my MM has told me that i make him feel wanted, and that he does not get this feeling from his W. i told him that his wife already has him and probably doesnt feel the need to show him constantly how much she truly does want him. i am sure she feels that he knows. That's what MM said to me very early on... that they've stopped talking to and listening to each other, that he only feels wanted because it's convenient and he's bringing home the cash, that she isn't interested in anything he has to say. He says it's mutual, however... and has been like that for a long time. Our relationship was based mostly on conversation and mutual interests for an entire year. I really think that Marriage Builders site has a lot of good information, because it fits with what happened between us. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 For the MM in these situations, its so easy for them to forget the "unwantable" things that they do on a regular basis that just turns their Ws off. For example: Farting Belching Clipping their toenails and leaving them around for someone else to cleanup Picking out their nose hairs and again not cleaning them up Constantly forgetting to do the things that they are responsible for in the household Acting like incapable babies just because they have a sniffle Only playing with the kids AFTER they have been cleaned and fed (not actually feeding or cleaning them!) Basically not giving half as much as they are requiring of their spouse. There is absolutely nothing adorable or admirable about the above. And I stopped the list as it could go on and on and on and on.....you get the picture. And then they say that she (the W) doesn't want them. HA! I am convinced that most Affair couples that do get together following the end of the M don't make it to the 3% level for just that reason. Guy thinks he is such a catch and so does OW, until she lives with him and discovers for herself that he created the monster he claimed his W to be. I'm the perfectionist in our relationship... everything has to be done my way and that can be a problem when you're with someone far more easy-going! MM says he'll only wash up if I stop telling him how to do it and in fact leave the flaming room fine. I know that my pickyness can be a problem for other people, so I try to keep a cap on it and get round it in various ways. To be honest, having lived a little with him now I can say that he's not as bad as he claimed he would be... he's just more or less like any other average man (in most ways ) and I'm sure he was just making it sound worse than it is so I wouldn't get any nasty surprises. I think most affair couples don't make the 3% (if there's any real 3%... no one seems able to refer anyone to the source of this figure, and most affair couples LIE about how they got together, but that's another issue) because most second marriages of ANY kind don't last anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Those were good points NID, but not all men are like the above. My MM is a perfectionist, and i can GUARANTEE that none of the above is true for him. I will admit that if we did get together, i would have to shape up. He does the dishes BEFORE he even sits down to eat. He folds the clothes if they are sitting in the basket. He bathes the kids. He makes supper. He does the chores in the house BEFORE 8am. Get where i'm going with this....... The man is crazy i tell you, and he works all day. Just remember SH, one extreme can be as bad as the other. I have always been the one to do most the chores around the house. I was there more then my ex, so it made sense. Miss a dish while doing dishes, even if it was in use and she would hit the roof. While mowing the yard she would sit outside and watch me, with a ruler in hand. If it didnt look perfect, she went nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I really liked this post. And tell him that his dick is small and he is a loser altogether! Quickest way to get a man to drop the issue of breast implants. Ask him what he is getting improved in return Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Miss a dish while doing dishes, even if it was in use and she would hit the roof. While mowing the yard she would sit outside and watch me, with a ruler in hand. If it didnt look perfect, she went nuts. That's me I'm working on it!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 That's me I'm working on it!!!! Morning Frannie, not being an a*s ( this time ) Normally this type of action is a sign of something deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Morning Frannie, not being an a*s ( this time ) Normally this type of action is a sign of something deeper. Well I don't 'go nuts' to be honest. I just 'prefer to do it myself' or walk away and consiously butt out. Can't do a lot about wanting it to be 'just so' but I'm not a monster. Promise Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Stillhere...your MM is probably cool, so this is not directed your way.... Thanks, pure. This was/is a true statement. Nothing to do at all with SH's MM. Sorry if it came off that way. Bonehead said it better. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Morning Frannie, not being an a*s ( this time ) Normally this type of action is a sign of something deeper. Yep. And I have learned what it is/was for me. But that doesn't change it much. The perfectionism remains, just not as bad as before. I don't go overboard with the "my way or the highway" business. And there are some things that I would just rather do "my way". And the other stuff, other folks can do it there way with no problems or complaints from me. Not out loud, anyway. LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Just remember SH, one extreme can be as bad as the other. I have always been the one to do most the chores around the house. I was there more then my ex, so it made sense. Miss a dish while doing dishes, even if it was in use and she would hit the roof. While mowing the yard she would sit outside and watch me, with a ruler in hand. If it didnt look perfect, she went nuts. I agree with you all. I'm in no way perfect, but he isn't as bad as i have made him out to be. His W does do a lot of the work, this is while he's laid off!!! During the summer, he's never home to do any of this. He doesn't say anything about the way anyone does anything. If he doesn't like it, he will just go back and do it himself the way he wanted it done. No words mentioned. I have never seen him get upset about anything, unless it was someone messing with him personally. So yes, i think i would have a hard time initially, as i'm not always up at the crack of dawn, running out the door to cut wood, or vaccuum!!! But it would be nice to have structure in my life. I go to bed when i feel like it, sleep in as late as i want. There is always a downside, but i would be willing to make it work. I don't want a partner just like me!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thanks, pure. This was/is a true statement. Nothing to do at all with SH's MM. Sorry if it came off that way. Bonehead said it better. Don't worry ladies, i wasn't taking it as a personal insult!!! I realize that perfectionists are hard to deal with. Especially when you aren't even close to being one yourself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 speaking of perfectionists, and this is way off topic, but i dated a man going through a divorce one time that told me he got so aggravated at his almost ex-wife because she would turn the shampoo bottles in the shower to face the wrong way! i knew we would never suit after that comment Link to post Share on other sites
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