My story about self - improving during the NC time & how it backfired...

[paris38]

1. He broke up with me in August, right before I had to return to work after summer break (I'm a teacher w/summers off.)

 

2. I started going to the gym, got a personal trainer for 3 sessions, started eating right.....I lost 20 pounds in 2 1/2 months, whew hoo! I looked great, I have to say so myself.

3. In the meantime I had been keeping in casual contact with my ex. I hadn't known of this site yet or I would have practiced strict NC.

 

4. Long story short, we got together in Nov. (at his request to stop by) and he is amazed at how great I look. In the meantime, he has noticeably gained about 15 pounds.....He says that, of course I notice, he is a short guy with smallish build so it's noticeable, but I just say "Oh, I couldn't even tell, you still look great." Also, I went to grab my coat out of my closet and he says "Wow, you really organized your closets, you were always wanting to do that, it looks great."

 

5. I tell him during dinner that I had started back to writing educational test questions in my spare time and had earned a lot of extra money.

 

6. He writes me an email the next day saying how it was great to see me and how great I looked and how happy I seemed

 

7. He writes me an email a week after THAT , after I kind of did light NC again, stating that he feels it's best that we broke up because I was always wanting to lose weight, clean my closets, and start writing test questions again but didn't do that when we were together, so that must mean I am better out of the relationship if I wouldn't lose weight for him, but I would make the effort when we were broken up so that must mean we are bad together. (OK, I didn't ask to get back together in the first place even though yes, I did want to, he probably saw that.)

 

Just saying...don't make TOO many improvements during your time apart if you are trying to get them back because it may backfire on you.

[Ukwizard]

Just saying...don't make TOO many improvements during your time apart if you are trying to get them back because it may backfire on you.

Disagree Paris. You only where apart for only 2 to 3 months. Even if you did look great in that timeframe. Which I find hard to believe. It `can` take longer than that for self improvement.

 

Even if you did look great, then that means he`s in love with an image, and NOT you, hence that`s why he left again.

[Onwards]

Just saying...don't make TOO many improvements during your time apart if you are trying to get them back because it may backfire on you.

 

I disagree. I think the moral here is: Don't improve yourself for your ex, do it for yourself.

If you do it for yourself, your confidence increases thus making what your ex thinks about you less important.

 

I'm sorry that it turned out for you this way Paris, but now enjoy the new and improved you and find someone who will appreciate it.

[lorr]

Sorry Paris but I do not agree with that last statement. If you are looking to improve your image and self-worth, you do this for yourself.

Obviously he has issues, and it seems that he was envious of the fact that you were starting to take care of you.Personally I wouldn't even waste my breath on someone like him.

I agree with both UKWIZARD and ONWARDS.If you were beginning to feel more positive and confident within yourself then it wouldn't bother you in the slightest what your ex thought,and you wouldn't feel the need to make a statement like that.

 

Where it really went wrong, was that when he broke up with you, you still kept in casual contact with your ex, when you were supposed to be in NC.

 

[magichands]

, stating that he feels it's best that we broke up because I was always wanting to lose weight, clean my closets, and start writing test questions again but didn't do that when we were together, so that must mean I am better out of the relationship if I wouldn't lose weight for him,

Sorry, but he is so spineless. "It's not me, it's you."

 

How much does he charge to take people on guilt trips?

[Poboy]

Just saying...don't make TOO many improvements during your time apart if you are trying to get them back because it may backfire on you.

 

yup , he assumed with all the changes that you are moving on and he is out ... his assumptions are right are wrong is just another case.

[paris38]

I lost 20 pounds from the period of August 14th to the period of Oct. 14th....I went from a size 10/12 to a size 6/8. I was 154 when I started working out, now I am 134. I know you think in 'stones' I think it is, but in the US that is a decent amount to lose. After a month I had people saying "Are you losing weight?" "You look great!" "How much weight have you lost?" I am still getting that from coworkers, how slim I am as compared to August. Just got it yesterday, and many friends and acquaintances are calling me 'slim.'

So I was dramatically slimmer and looking a LOT better when he saw me 2 1/2 months later. Because I switched strength training with cardio every other day, I was also toned and changed the shape of my body. Plus I have a lot more energy. So yes, he noticed.

I did lose the weight for myself. I had gained 10 pounds during the course of our 1 year 8 months relationship and he had gained about 20. so I would say "I need to work out again, lose those 10 pounds" like any woman does, but I wasn't obsessed with it. So when we broke up, I had a lot more time to go to the gym because I wasn't spending time with him! Also I was going out to eat a LOT less, because we did that together a lot, 2 or 3 times a week. He often said "Yeah, I gotta lose this belly, too." So that's what irked me, he criticized me for not losing weight for him when we were together, but he did not lose weight for me either, but I loved him no matter what his size would be.

Hey I'm over it, just wanted to share my story. I'm looking forward to a NC period, possibly indefinitely, and dating again. I do agree I should have done a strict NC at the time, but I didn't know the power of this at the time. Anyway, his teenage kids are really rude, disrespectful people (he has no parenting skills and allows them to walk all over him and treat everyone like crap and still caters to their every desire and spoils them because he feels guilty about putting them through a divorce 4 years ago) and a bonus of the breakup is that I don't have to be around them at all.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Paris38: " 7. He writes me an email a week after THAT , after I kind of did light NC again, stating that he feels it's best that we broke up because I was always wanting to lose weight, clean my closets, and start writing test questions again but didn't do that when we were together, so that must mean I am better out of the relationship if I wouldn't lose weight for him, but I would make the effort when we were broken up so that must mean we are bad together. (OK, I didn't ask to get back together in the first place even though yes, I did want to, he probably saw that.)

 

Just saying...don't make TOO many improvements during your time apart if you are trying to get them back because it may backfire on you."

 

Actually, Paris -if I am reading him correctly through your description in your post- he might be a person who chugs around perpetually low on self-esteem.

 

Trouble with the type you seem to be describing is that they make quick assumptions and decisions that are designed primarily to protect themselves from emotional pain, rejection, and humiliation.

 

He may also mirror all he is not, can't do, or other personal shortcomings on others.

 

With these kinds of people (assuming he fits the mold), on one hand he may make or go along with other's approving statements regarding his talents/ablities/accomplishments -but on the other hand you might hear him make not-so-flattering comments about himself that indicate his (harbored and mostly hidden) low opinion of himself.

 

He may appear harder on you (if you are a stronger person than he) while "sliding" a great deal on those he feels he failed in some way (his children).

 

Of course, keep in mind that nearly everyone during the recap, review or " checking-in" phase after a break-up is tentative, cautious, or even skeptical with the info they learn on the return visit, and tend to make evaluations of how well (or not) *your* quality of life as well as their own has improved and whether the signs and signals given support a reconciliation.

 

-Rio

[paris38]

I like the way you reflect on things. It is really helpful, especially as right now I am trying to move on. The way you stated this does help with clarity as to why he wasn't the right one after all.

[riobikini]

You are most welcome, Paris.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[serial muse]

I lost 20 pounds from the period of August 14th to the period of Oct. 14th....I went from a size 10/12 to a size 6/8. I was 154 when I started working out, now I am 134. I know you think in 'stones' I think it is, but in the US that is a decent amount to lose. After a month I had people saying "Are you losing weight?" "You look great!" "How much weight have you lost?" I am still getting that from coworkers, how slim I am as compared to August. Just got it yesterday, and many friends and acquaintances are calling me 'slim.'

So I was dramatically slimmer and looking a LOT better when he saw me 2 1/2 months later. Because I switched strength training with cardio every other day, I was also toned and changed the shape of my body. Plus I have a lot more energy. So yes, he noticed.

I did lose the weight for myself. I had gained 10 pounds during the course of our 1 year 8 months relationship and he had gained about 20. so I would say "I need to work out again, lose those 10 pounds" like any woman does, but I wasn't obsessed with it. So when we broke up, I had a lot more time to go to the gym because I wasn't spending time with him! Also I was going out to eat a LOT less, because we did that together a lot, 2 or 3 times a week. He often said "Yeah, I gotta lose this belly, too." So that's what irked me, he criticized me for not losing weight for him when we were together, but he did not lose weight for me either, but I loved him no matter what his size would be.

Hey I'm over it, just wanted to share my story. I'm looking forward to a NC period, possibly indefinitely, and dating again. I do agree I should have done a strict NC at the time, but I didn't know the power of this at the time. Anyway, his teenage kids are really rude, disrespectful people (he has no parenting skills and allows them to walk all over him and treat everyone like crap and still caters to their every desire and spoils them because he feels guilty about putting them through a divorce 4 years ago) and a bonus of the breakup is that I don't have to be around them at all.

 

Hey girl, congrats to you on making these changes for yourself - you didn't just dissolve, but you took action. That's awesome.

 

I personally think his comment was rather manipulative. He probably wanted to reassure himself of how much you missed him, by sniffing around months after your breakup to see what state you're in. I agree with those who pointed out it's a self-esteem thing for him. And seeing that you hadn't dissolved into a puddle of goo after the breakup was probably a bit of a blow. So he wrote you an email that indicates some self-loathing and perhaps a hint of bitterness. (And also that suggests that he did you a favor by breaking up with you - the old "taking credit for something that he didn't actually do any work for" routine. Barf. )

 

Anyway, kudos to you and to moving on. Onward and upward!

[Art_Critic]

7. He writes me an email a week after THAT , after I kind of did light NC again, stating that he feels it's best that we broke up because I was always wanting to lose weight, clean my closets, and start writing test questions again but didn't do that when we were together, so that must mean I am better out of the relationship if I wouldn't lose weight for him, but I would make the effort when we were broken up so that must mean we are bad together. (OK, I didn't ask to get back together in the first place even though yes, I did want to, he probably saw that.)

 

Why in the world would you want someone back that would say something so demeaning to you ? What an Assclown.

You were supposed to lose weight for him ???

 

Be glad your rid of the trash..

 

And be proud of yourself in improving yourself after the breakup... those are real positive things...

 

I don't think anything backfired.. I think this should show you his true colors.. So it was an eye opener not a backfire that you heard

[Lowcountryman]

I can't disagree more w/you Paris. There's no such thing as too much self-improvement. I'm still on my mission to losing weight. My ex-gf broke up w/me back in August, I got a new and better job in Sept, started working out and eating right. To date I have lost a total of 53 pounds, I'm at 242 now, when she broke up w/me I was a cookie away from 300. I've regained alot of my confidence I had lost before, I'm getting alot of attention from women now. One of my softball friends Wife, who hadn't seen me since August, saw me for the first time last month and said I looked amazing, didn't look like the same person. But it's not just weight that was an issue w/me, finances were too. I've still got some bills to pay off and another 17 pounds to go to reach my ultimate goal. My point is you can't worry about what he thinks of you now, worry about yourself and improve yourself in any way you can. There's always a bigger fish out there that you can snag w/your better self.

[Guest]

Paris, those teenage kids sound terrible and just think that if you ever married him his kids would be in your life for ever and ever. You'd never get rid of them and would probably eventually resent the fact that he allowed them to be mean to you and didn't stick up for you. It would probably also bug you whenever you saw him spending so much time with these wicked creatures. BTW, I'm a teacher and am fully aware of how vicious teenagers can be if they want to. I know that it's easy for me to say these things because I'm not part of this particular situation but believe me, I've been there. We all have. Even Reese Witherspoon.

 

I think that it's incredible that you lost 20 pounds. Now, you should seriously use it to find yourself a real catch because you sound like you are an extremely highly motivated individual!

 

BTW, how can teachers earn extra money by writing assessment questions?That job sounds cool. Can you share?