heathers74 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Good morning everyone. I'll try my best to make this brief. I have been married for almost 5 years, but we've been together for over 10 years. Right before x~mas, I found some bank records and it turns out that my husband has been going to a strip club, spending alot of $ on porn and he has been to this adult book store that has live "peep shows". Now, I know guys love to look at women, porn,etc. The problem is that he never told me about going to a strip club. And he took out over $200 there but swears he didnt spend it in the bar. Why the lies? He swore it was a bikini bar, then I find out its a topless bar. He swears he never got a lapdance or even tipped any of the girls. Yeah,ok. We almost lost our home due to his not paying the mortgage. (he lied about paying the bills too.) I don't know what to think. I feel like I was never good enough or ever will be. Why does it hurt so bad? What can I do to make things better? I offerered to go to the club with him, but he says he's done, he won't go anymore. As far as the porn goes we have limewire where you can download movies for free, yet he was online paying almost $150 a month on different porn websights. I just don't get it. I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do, I really don't. Thanks in advance for any and all advice. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Sounds like he has an addiction. He needs to recognise the problem and confront it. He is hiding this from you because he is probably ashamed of himself and at the same time wants to avoid a confrontation with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Your husband isn't even coming close to meeting your needs for a faithful and fiscally responsible partner. These are the most BASIC of ENs (emotional needs). Over the course of time, you won't be able to survive in the relationship unless these needs are met. You'll run out of gas. You shouldn't have to live your life checking up on your partner. You've invested five years already and he still hasn't stepped up. Where will you be in FIFTEEN years? Bottom line, he needs to either 'shape up or ship out'. As he is now... he's just wasting your God-given time. And if I were you..... "shaping up" would consist of counseling on his inappropriate sexual behavior as well as 'open book' style proof that he can make real and long-lasting changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heathers74 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Well, he's back at home now. We've opened up a checking account together and now I am "in charge" of the bills. Looking back on things, I think it all boils down to the fact that he kept it all from me. That and he was in a place where I don't really think a married man should be. I was always opened to watching porn with him, I would even pick out the movies that I thought he would enjoy! I'm just hurt that he kept this from me and I don't know if I should believe him when he says "I won't go anymore". I told him just be honest with me, that's what I want. I feel like I don't even know him. He doesn't want to talk about it, in fact he gets angry if I bring it up. So, I'm learning how to keep my mouth shut. He knows how I feel, I guess the rest is up to him. I really want things to work, I just find it hard to believe anything he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenmack Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 But what if he told you that he liked going to strip clubs? How would you have reacted? Chances are, you would have been behaving as irrationally as you are now about his deception. Why? Because you haven't dealt with the reality that there's nothing happening in a strip club that will lead him to stray. Strippers look at customers the way waittresses look at a customer: They're just customers. No sex -- they're getting the money without giving up, so why do it? -- no emotions and no love. He's there to get his rocks off, then come home to you to really get his rocks off. She's there to get him hot and bothered for your pleasure. Since telling you would simply get you upset, he kept the details out of sight. Not that you didn't really know. You knew he was doing this, but you didn't want to acknowledge the reality of the situation. And now you're mad at him triple time because of his activity, his deception and your willingness to allow the deception to take place. In reality, if you realized that strip clubs are no more harmful to your marriage than a walk in the park with grandpa, he's hit the club once in a while, inform you that he's going, then give it to you good when he got home. No deception and no anger. He's definitely wrong for the deception, but you're not exactly behaving in a mature manner either. Both of you need to sit down and work all this out if you want the marriage to survive. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Good morning everyone. I'll try my best to make this brief. I have been married for almost 5 years, but we've been together for over 10 years. Right before x~mas, I found some bank records and it turns out that my husband has been going to a strip club, spending alot of $ on porn and he has been to this adult book store that has live "peep shows". Now, I know guys love to look at women, porn,etc. The problem is that he never told me about going to a strip club. And he took out over $200 there but swears he didnt spend it in the bar. Why the lies? He swore it was a bikini bar, then I find out its a topless bar. He swears he never got a lapdance or even tipped any of the girls. Yeah,ok. We almost lost our home due to his not paying the mortgage. (he lied about paying the bills too.) I don't know what to think. I feel like I was never good enough or ever will be. Why does it hurt so bad? What can I do to make things better? I offerered to go to the club with him, but he says he's done, he won't go anymore. As far as the porn goes we have limewire where you can download movies for free, yet he was online paying almost $150 a month on different porn websights. I just don't get it. I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do, I really don't. Thanks in advance for any and all advice. I don't know if I can say anything to make you feel better, but I understand a little what you are going through. I think once someone lies though it will be hard to ever trust them again and it appears you have caught him in multiple lies. Why put yourself through all this? You should never allow someone to make you feel like that. I know it is hard to leave someone you have been with for so long...but maybe you should consider it. He sounds like his prioties are mixed up and everyone deserves to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
JerryDen Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 You need to understand that men need space. I totally agree with you that a married man should not be spending all that money on porn/strippers. Men still need their own excitement and spark. You should try doing things with him to get his mind off of sexual women, such as sports, yoga, rec classes, ballroom dancing, anything that is active and different. Link to post Share on other sites
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