Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 we do have a good relationship and i know i need to calm down. my boyfriend isn't going anywhere but i still cant help feeling a little insecure. i've elected not to talk to him about it, but i do want to talk to him about him saying he is going to do something and tehn changing his mind..that pisses me off. (he had told me prior to coming back to school that he would come visit me this weekend, then halfway through the week changed his mind and says he had to study and didn't think it would be a good idea to come after all). do u guys think thats a good idea or should i just let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Lauriebelle, as I said in your other thread: you are totally and completely underestimating the importance of this exam. It's like the Bar exam for lawyers - his entire career is riding on passing the test, and it is NOT an easy test. Many a promising accountant has failed this exam! Why don't you google the CPA exam and read something about its significance and how it gives people ulcers? Right now, this is soooo NOT about you. Cut him some slack and understand that he's freaking out and just needs the time to study and deal with his anxiety. Please, go out and buy a fantastic bottle of champagne for your next visit after the test. Celebrate with him when the damn test is finally over, and he can relax a little. Keep in mind that he's going to be anxious after the test all the way until he gets his results and he passes. Show him how much you care what happens to him, and how much you believe in him that he will pass the test. Link to post Share on other sites
revolutionphilosophy Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 we do have a good relationship and i know i need to calm down. my boyfriend isn't going anywhere but i still cant help feeling a little insecure. i've elected not to talk to him about it, but i do want to talk to him about him saying he is going to do something and tehn changing his mind..that pisses me off. (he had told me prior to coming back to school that he would come visit me this weekend, then halfway through the week changed his mind and says he had to study and didn't think it would be a good idea to come after all). do u guys think thats a good idea or should i just let it go? Personally... I'd say it all depends on how you approach it... basically as I see it you've got three ways. 1 - You can come at him like I'M SO MAD AT YOU OMG!!! YOU MADE PLANS TO VISIT ME AND NOW YOU'RE BREAKING THEM TO STUDY FOR A TEST THAT IS NOT ONLY VITAL TO YOUR CAREER BUT (POTENTIALLY) VERY IMPORTANT TO OUR FINANCIAL FUTURE. --wait, that doesn't sound so good does it? 2 - You can lay a thick, heavy guilt trip on him about how depressed you are because he wasn't able to see you much over christmas break b/c he was studying... and lay it on even heavier about how much you were really looking forward to seeing him and how sad you are that you won't. Of course -- he may just be so consumed with guilt that he'll come up there anyway... neglecting his studying, possibly failing the test and taking a huge blow to his self esteem. --er... well... maybe thats a little better? no? i don't think so either. 3 - You can tell him calmly and civilly that you were really looking forward to seeing him, BUT you (being the loving, supportive girlfriend) completely understand why he can't come because in the end, you really want him to do well on this test and have enough time to study for it so he won't be at all nervous when he goes for it. You could also follow it up telling him how proud you are of him for doing this and being so devoted to it (hey kids... believe it or not... it always feels good to hear someone express their admiration for you and pride in you). In the end, he'll respect you more... most likely make it up to you waaaaaaay more than you expect (i know I would! I'd feel kinda guilty about not coming myself!)... and your relationship will be better over all. Sure it's hard not seeing the person you love... well yeah it royally sucks... but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for love. Trust -- if he's dropping his work to spend time with you when you were there in his physical person... he's definitely in to you. When I'm hard at something... very few things short of impending nuclear warfare or my girlfriend being around... can pull me away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenmack Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 It is a tad disconcerting that he changed his mind midweek about seeing you. He needs to actually set a scheduled time to see you during all this that doesn't interfere too much with studies and stick to it. Expecting the one you love to just stick around for you even if you ditch them at the drop of the hat is just being a little too self-absorbed for my taste. At the same time, I can see why he probably did it. Not only is the test a constant part of his life now, but the way you've handled matters thusfar has probably made him less interested in seeing you. When someone seems less than understanding about your pursuit of an important goal, it's hard to want to be around them. He's probably turned off by your behavior up to this point and you will have to do plenty to make it up to him after the test is completed. The answer is just chill out right now. Find something else to do, such as some volunteer work or something; that will keep him off your mind and perhaps, even allow you to understand why he's so dedicated to passing the test. And once it's over, get him to spend some time with you uninterrupted so the two of you can catch up and repair the relationship. A lot of repair work is definitely in order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 hey guys..ok well i talked to him tonight..well actually i kind of blew up at him. he called me at about 9pm and said he was going to watch a movie and drink with his friends and i told him that he should be studying instead of drinking and he got real pissed off and said that he had already studied earlier for like 2 hours and that i didnt sound like i was being supportive or anything. i was trying to get him to study!!! this is so hard i really miss him and i know how important this exam, i really do. it just sucks since i can only see himon the weekend and thats the only time he has to study. i explained this to him and he said it was ok and he forgave me but i'm sure he is still alittle pissed off. ok so what damage control can i do here? i made a mistake and i apologized i just dont know what else to do. i'm so confused!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pleasure&pain Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 from reading all your post 1. RELAX RELAX RELAX RELAX 2. right now he wants to be assured that he can pass by studying and you will be still by his side during this time. 3. him pushing you away... bull... 4. i think you should leave the concern of him not with you all the time after.. the exam. After the exam he will be all over you missing you and ps relax relax RELAX Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 You blew up at him because he wanted some down time with his friends? *shaking head* You're trying to control the situation way too much. Go find something to do. Anything. Join a yoga class, or go to the library and read everything they've got.. hang out with your friends, or study more. Just stop obsessing about this. Kick yourself into doing something else if you have to. The harder you fight to keep control of this situation, the worse you're going to make it. You resent him for taking this time away from you. If you can't find a way to accept it and want this for him... then do something that is going to be centered around you for a while. He HAS TO be selfish right now in order to pass this exam. This whole situation will be a hell of a lot easier for you to deal with if you go would put some effort into doing stuff for yourself. GO have fun, learn something new, try something different. Go out with friends, meet new people. Take the onus off of him to do this for you. Right now, you're far too resentful of him taking this time away from you. You're going to blow up again and again. And ultimately, you'll drive him away. Then you're fear of abandonment will come true. You aren't co-dependent. You don't "need" him in order to be happy. He compliments your life.. he doesn't dictate whether you have one or not. Do something... but stop "waiting" on him, and obsessing over this. You're making it worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 yeah ur right Walk. he threw me off when he said he couldnt come up here this weekend, because he's never done that before. i know he has other stuff to..study for the exam, hang out with friends. i'm not trying to be controlling and think that his whole world has to revolve around me, i guess its a combo of my insecurites with relationships and my paranoa that he didnt want to see me this weekend for some other reason besides his test. i went to the bar last night with my friends and i'm going to go to the mall today, so i'm trying to make the best of having the weekend to myself, its just nice to have him here on the weekend because i live alone, so it gets kind of lonely in my apartment. i hope he can forgive me for being so stupid, he said he did last night but i'm sure he still is a little pissed. i'm trying to think of a way to make it up to him, any ideas or other advice to try to fix the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 good news! my boyfriend said he forgave me for blowing up at him and he understands that this is hard for me, because he said its hard for him too. he told me how much he loves me, misses me and wishes he could be with me. i dont know why i get so insecure and paranoid, my ex bf maybe. he made all these excuses not to see me because he actually didnt care about me he was just using me to try to get over his ex..but thats an entirely different relationship. thanks for all ur advice, u guys helped me a lot. now i just need to chill out and try to support him. i really need to get over this insecure thing i'm just not sure how to do it. has anyone felt this way about a relationship? and how did u get over it? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 i really need to get over this insecure thing i'm just not sure how to do it. has anyone felt this way about a relationship? and how did u get over it? It really helps a lot if you focus on other things in your life. Not only does it occupy your mind so you have less anxiety, you can actually be doing things that make you feel great about yourself. And the better you feel about yourself, the less insecure you'll feel about your relationship or anything else. You're in school, right? How are your classes? Are you learning? What are you doing outside of school and your bf? Going dancing with your friends, taking walk at the art museum, seeing plays on campus, earning money through a part time job? Any of those things can make you feel good about yourself, and less insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 good news! my boyfriend said he forgave me. That is great news! i really need to get over this insecure thing i'm just not sure how to do it. has anyone felt this way about a relationship? and how did u get over it? You said your exbf made you really wary of men needing space. I think it's good to acknowledge that the past relationship triggered the insecurity. But it didn't "cause" it. Its not so simple as saying X=Y. Your ex's actions might have made you more aware of your fear, but it wouldn't have "created" it if you weren't already questioning your value. If you felt more confident in yourself, aware of your own value as an individual, comfortable with who you are and the benefits you bring to a relationship, then you wouldn't be quite so concerned with someone not wanting to be with you. It would still hurt, and it'd still be a concern. Just not quite so large. What I'm trying to say is, if you put more effort into developing your identity seperately from others. Discovering your value, and the great things you have to offer to others, then you'd feel more confident in the fact that people either realize your value, or they don't. And no matter what, you will believe in yourself. You won't need their validation in order to feel better. The criticisms won't hurt so much, the extra space needed won't seem like such an insurmountable obsticle. You'll be more content with who you are, and others will be drawn to that. Your bf doesn't "make" you special. You are special, and have great things to offer to a person. You're generous, you try really hard to be understanding and forgiving, you go out of your way to see other people's points of view, you have an incredible way of seeing into yourself. You're bf is really lucky to have someone like you in his life. If he were to choose to end the relationship, then he's the one losing out on the things you have to offer. There aren't that many people in the world like you. And chances of him finding someone who's as patient and understanding in the near future are slim to none. Believe in yourself, and the good qualities you posses. If he chooses to not have you in his life anymore, well, there are a million men out there who would give their left testicle to have someone like you in their life. Stop devaluing your worth. When those negative thoughts start taking over, start repeating positive things in your head. You have to replace the negative pattern with something positive or you'll continue to be stuck in this 'insecure' mindset. By the time we're 20, 80% of what we hear is negative. Don't add to it by talking to yourself negatively. Fight it with positive things about yourself. Repeat it until you do believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 yeah and i do have other things in my life other than my boyfriend. i get good grades at school, i have friends i hang out with, i work out regularly at the gym, i enjoy reading and writing. i guess i just want things to work out with my boyfriend because i'm starting to realize that i might have a future with him (marriage, children, ect.) this is the best relationship ive ever been in (i've been in some real bad ones, like with my ex bf). maybe thats why i'm more afraid of losing him. all my friends are getting engaged too, so i guess i'm afraid of losing my good relationship that may be leading towards marriage. that book freaked me out a little bit, "He's just not that into u" that men who give reasons for not wanting to see u or talk to u means that they arent into u anymore. so i guess i got scared that he was using this test as an excuse not to be with me. i guess i'm going to have to calm down about the whole thing and realize that he does love me and stop doubting him. i do have other things in my life besides my boyfriend, but he def. makes my life better. i'm just trying to get rid of these feelings, and unfortuntely its not working. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Hi Lauriebell82 You made it through the first weekend. I hope that gives you strength to make through one more. Was it so bad? I'm guessing, tough, yes, bad, no. I think you have got a real keeper in this boyfriend! One who you can have a great future with. One who has an ability to prioritize and differentiate when that is necessary. We are all products of our past. Especially our most recent past. My boyfriend often has to work what is called a "turnaround" at work. That entails 12 hour days for many weeks in a row. Now we live in close proximity, but it still means I will not see him for weeks at times. The phone is always of great importance to both of us. If he were to have one evening where he had the choice to be with me or to relax with friends, I admit I might be a little hurt with his choice of friends and a few drinks, but I need to let him choose his downtime by HIS needs, not mine. We are talking two hours here, and I can understand that two hours with friends and a few beers might be what he needs, because he will still have the phone for me. In your case, two hours would not have allowed anything more than driving time back and forth. Right? Be patient, this will pass, and SOON. 10 more days and this whole test thing will be done and over, assuming he passes. If he didn't pass and had spent lots of time with you, I think you would feel responsible. I would hate to feel responsible due to my own selfishness. Books are books, nothing more. This is your life and possibly your future. You won't find an exact model of that in a book unless you write one. Be strong! You can make it through this very short setback in company! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 lol thanks for ur support everyone..well this weekend i guess i am going to have to go home to watch my dog, because my parents are going away. he said he wanted to see me and i'm going to be like 15 minutes away (i do have to spend a lot of time at my house due to my dog) but i'm not sure if i should or not. i was thinking maybe i could go over there for like an hour just to visit with him and give him a little break from studying. of course i probably wont want to leave, he wont want me to leave either, therefore that may be a problem. i just miss him so much and i really want to spend a littel time with him but he needs most of the weekend to study and i dont want to distract him. so since u guys give such awesome advice i need ur help. should i just stay at my house and not see him? i mean its rough me being at school but at least i'm not tempted to see him since he's an hour 1/2 away. what should i do i'm so torn??? Link to post Share on other sites
revolutionphilosophy Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 lol thanks for ur support everyone..well this weekend i guess i am going to have to go home to watch my dog, because my parents are going away. he said he wanted to see me and i'm going to be like 15 minutes away (i do have to spend a lot of time at my house due to my dog) but i'm not sure if i should or not. i was thinking maybe i could go over there for like an hour just to visit with him and give him a little break from studying. of course i probably wont want to leave, he wont want me to leave either, therefore that may be a problem. i just miss him so much and i really want to spend a littel time with him but he needs most of the weekend to study and i dont want to distract him. so since u guys give such awesome advice i need ur help. should i just stay at my house and not see him? i mean its rough me being at school but at least i'm not tempted to see him since he's an hour 1/2 away. what should i do i'm so torn??? Personally... if I were studying for an important test... I'd welcome a small break after several hours of studying. But the thing is... you need to set a time-frame in your mind BEFORE you go there... and you HAVE to keep to it... or else you're only damaging him. Of course he won't want you to leave... he loves you and misses you... but what do you put first in this instance? Do you put his future and his job first... or do you put your temporary 'missing him' feelings first? Similar thing happened with my gf and I one night. I was pulling an all-nighter to finish a project that was of extreme importance (i.e. I'd been working constantly that week and hadn't gotten to spend much time with her). She came by in the wee hours (read : around 1 A.M. in our case) and brought 'dinner' (I didn't expect her to come by) and gave me a much enjoyed break for about 45mins. Of course we both wanted her to stay... but knew she needed to leave. She made the choice to leave... and I went back to work feeling much refreshed. I'm all for going by with lunch (can you cook?) and spending a little short quality time with him then leaving him to study (ignore his objections... tell him that you want him to do well on his test). Just remember... set a time-frame... and STICK TO IT!!! I don't mean a 5 or 6 hour time-frame. I'm saying 30 mins - 1 hour. Do NOT go by if you cannot do this. Link to post Share on other sites
roxy_1980 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Your bf is at a crucial time in his career. And you are a BIG distraction! Trust me, that's a good thing! He knows that if he goes to your place there would be little to no studying. It's not your fault, but he knows it's gonna happen. Smart guy. So he (probably) made up a little white lie about the computer files not being transferable to his laptop. He was saving your feelings, cause he knows that you think he blames you for him not studying. Give the guy some slack, he's being responsible. Yet another good thing. Don't worry. Try talking for short periods every day or every other day (depending on how much you guys are phone people). Try not to tie him up for long periods of time (it shows to him that you understand what he's doing is important). I know that you miss him, but the test won't be hanging over his head forever, then both of you can relax. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Personally... if I were studying for an important test... I'd welcome a small break after several hours of studying. But the thing is... you need to set a time-frame in your mind BEFORE you go there... and you HAVE to keep to it... This advice gets my vote. It will feed your needs to see one another and still allow him time to study. He should be involved in deciding how much time is the right amount. Glad for you that the opportunity to see him has presented itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I completely agree with Revolutionphilosophy. Short break with a set time limit. When my bf is home and knows I have to study, he'll cook me dinner that evening and have it all set out then call me to come eat. Then we'll watch 30 mins of a show and he sends me back to do my studying. I dislike studying and would by far rather be sitting on the couch with him, but he knows how important it is to me so he gives me a "shove" to get back to it. The break is enough to refresh my mind, fill my belly, and I almost always study better afterward. I say you go over there for 1 hour (set up a time with him first), bring him a lunch but don't let him eat it right away, have some amazing sex, then have lunch/dinner, tell him you love him, and that you know he'll excel at this test, then leave so he can study. He'll think he died and went to heaven. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 wow great idea..u guys are the best! i ran the idea by my boyfriend, he's afraid that he's goin to convince me to stay once i get there cause he missses me so much. i am planning to just stay for an hour, i really hope i can leave. i am trying to find something to do that i would HAVE to leave and not have a choice. i'm not sure what though, any ideas? (since everyone on LS comes up with awesome ones!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Don't let your dog out to pee before you leave your parents house. That should get you running back home! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 lol good idea Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 hi guys! well i went to visit my boyfriend. i timed it for exactly one hour i went. when i got there it was so wonderful he told me how much he loved me and missed me, and how he couldnt stop thinking about me. we had a GREAT time and it was so hard to leave him. i took everyone's advice and brought him something to eat (his favorite sandwhich from wendy's) and he was so suprised! so all this worrying i have been doing was obviously for nothing. i'm going to go over tommorrow but not for very long, probably an hour again. its painful not seeing him for a period of time but its like missing each other brings us closer together. i guess its true "absense makes the heart grow fonder". i'm just going to have to keep faith that he does love me and that everything will be ok. if only i knew how to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 By George, I think she's got it! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 If the guy I was dating behaved as you did at any time during the summer I was studying for the Bar Exam, I would have broken up with him instantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 27, 2007 Author Share Posted January 27, 2007 gee thanks..its not like i totally freaked out on him i just got a little upset because i dont see him that often, and he has like no free time as it is, so it meant i would see him even less. but i apologized and he forgave me and now i have been NOTHING but supportive. Link to post Share on other sites
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