I dumped her, but regret it now b/c she's moved on...

[Guest]

I was seeing this girl for about 3 months... She was really amazing. Smart, funny, sweet and completely into me.

 

I broke up with her over this past summer b/c I've always been the guy who sees someone for just a few months, but then I want to see what else is out there.

Over those 3 months I was pretty mean to her. I put her down, always brought up things from her past, picked fights with her constantly and criticized whom she associated with, even though she was always faithful and completely devoted to me.

 

After we broke up, she tirelessly tried to get back together with me.. but I wasn't having it b/c I was already dating new women and at the same time had her on the side as a friend. I told her that it was better this way b/c t I had to we if we can be friends now in order to see if we could reconcile. But I really had no intention of getting back with her.

 

6 weeks ago she told me she's started dating someone and they're still together.

 

Since that time, I have intense feelings of wanting her back. I never wanted someone else back before this. Once I break it off, it's done. Except this time and I can't get over her.

 

My issue is that I don't know if I want her back b/c she's moved on or b/c of how badly I treated someone who cared for me so much but I treated like all the rest. Something that I vow never to do again and accept that I was immature and did it b/c of my own insecurities.

 

I've told her that I made a mistake by letting her go but her response is appropriately that she tried for months to get me back, but I didnt want it until I found out she was with someone else.

 

How do I get her back???

 

Thank you.

[Johnny B]

I just want to add to my post that we're scheduled to take an 8 week class next week.

 

Do you think I should switch to a different class schedule in order to avoid her?

 

I want her to see that I've changed but I don't want to become the ex-bf that has transformed into friend status in her eyes. Basically the idea that distance can make the heart grow fonder if she has her space from me... I fear that I'll be her friendly study-buddy and nothing more.

[Sup]

Have you ever apoligized to her? (I spelled that wrong, oh well.) About all the mean things, etc. It may be too late, however. If she ever breaks up with current BF, see if you can give it another go, that's all I got.

[Guest]

Have you ever apoligized to her? (I spelled that wrong, oh well.) About all the mean things, etc. It may be too late, however. If she ever breaks up with current BF, see if you can give it another go, that's all I got.

 

my 2 cents

my ex gf who is now my gf again and i broke up - she ended it but i was the one that pushed her to do the dirty work

yes i have apologized a zillion times

i have never experienced someone like her and something like this so i was all over the map

i had never heard of nc

i believed she was completely over things and never wanted to see me

but that was because i was still selfcentred and didn't do the work

rushed into a one month dating thing, i don't even know what to call it because from day one i was paralyzed and i was just horrible because i was totally not ready or over my ex and i just did things that i would have done with her - meaning, walks, talks, music - as far as anything else - my body and mind are locked for only one so that was a learning experience because for the first time i was not attracted or interested in a woman - i thought i had done so much coke that i turned gay - lol whatever that means

but once i realized that my ex gf, now my gf, is the only woman i want in everyway, i decided to stay single and when she told me she had found a boyfriend i told her i would wait

and told her to dump his sorry ass asap

and come on back home

she told me to piss off

i had my chance

so, i guess i'll just have to keep trying for the next 50 years

until she gets tired and marries me

[SuziwithaQ]

I agree with Sup--you need to apologize to her and tell her you respect her decision. Continue to be her friend and show her that you respect and care for her (sans sex). If you have a true bond, she may come back. Good luck!

[snowdiamond]

I agree with everyone here, too. You should apologize and mean it. Explain to her how you feel, but make sure you're doing this because you really feel something for her and really want her. Don't do it to feed your ego. If she's happy with the guy she has now, just be her friend and let her make that call if she wants to have another go at a relationship with you.

[Johnny B]

Thanks everyone.

 

Yes, I have apologized a number of times. It was sincere but she told be that she thinks im doing it just b/c shes moved on. I'm unable to convince her right now otherwise.

 

My question is.. how do I balance trying to be her friend with the No Contact policy?? If I cannot get her back I need to begin the healing process now and no contact is my best bet. How does one do both ??

 

Regards,

J

[shockandawed]

Johnny,

 

I don't think you can be her friend with the feelings you still have. I know it sucks because at least as a friend you keep contact with her. But you won't heal and I can assure you, you don't really want to know how her relationship is going etc...

 

Once you are over her and have moved on, then you can see if you could possibly be friends. My ex wife and I are very very good friends. Of course, that is how we were when we were married. For the first year or so after the divorce, we had a very strained and limited relationship. We had to both move on first.

 

If she breaks up with this guy and wants to rekindle, she knows how to find you.

[magda]

My issue is that I don't know if I want her back b/c she's moved on or b/c of how badly I treated someone who cared for me so much but I treated like all the rest. Something that I vow never to do again and accept that I was immature and did it b/c of my own insecurities.

Can't it be both? I think you just feel guilty because you were so mean to her and now she has moved on, you finally view her as worth something because she's worth something to someone else. I vote you just do NC instead of mess with her mind any further with the whole "friend" charade.

[Johnny B]

Small new development...

 

Got a phone call from her on Saturday. I let it go to voicemail. She wanted to wish me a happy birthday and was sorry she couldn't make the party (she was out of town for the weekend). She wanted me to return her call when I got the message b/c she 'had something for me.'

 

I presume it's a small bday gift, however I have not called her back and I assume she will give it to me at work on Tuesday.

 

I wanted to know what the best way is to handle receiving the small gift. My idea was to thank her but not show much other emotion and not engage too heavily on the 'how was your bday/weekend' talk.

 

What are your thoughts???

Johnny

[SuziwithaQ]

how do you feel about her giving you a gift?

[Johnny B]

Well, I have mixed emotions. On one hand, I think it is very thoughtful for her to call and get me a gift.

However, if she is still dating someone else why is she getting me a gift? Is it to say, 'Hey, I've moved on but I still care about you? And to prove it I got you something??'

 

That bothers me.

 

I would rather have her in my arms with no presents, that to not be with her and receive birthday gifts.

 

- J

[Sup]

 

I would rather have her in my arms with no presents, that to not be with her and receive birthday gifts.

 

- J

 

 

Too bad you can't just tell her what you just said......

Ya NEVER know, she might BE the gift!

[Johnny B]

Sup -

 

As much as I would like to tell her that, I don't think it's the right thing to do at this time. She knows how I feel, I've said it many times and I don't want to face her saying 'no' once again.

 

I think I can only wait for her to come to me, not with gifts, but with her wanting me back. Otherwise I feel I'll just be chasing something that won't happen right now.

 

J

[CaliGuy]

I was seeing this girl for about 3 months... She was really amazing. Smart, funny, sweet and completely into me.

 

I broke up with her over this past summer b/c I've always been the guy who sees someone for just a few months, but then I want to see what else is out there.

 

Over those 3 months I was pretty mean to her. I put her down, always brought up things from her past, picked fights with her constantly and criticized whom she associated with, even though she was always faithful and completely devoted to me.

 

After we broke up, she tirelessly tried to get back together with me.. but I wasn't having it b/c I was already dating new women and at the same time had her on the side as a friend. I told her that it was better this way b/c t I had to we if we can be friends now in order to see if we could reconcile. But I really had no intention of getting back with her.

 

SNIP

 

How do I get her back???

 

No offense my friend, but you reap what you sow. Even if you did get her back, you'd just end up pushing her away again. Leave her be to find happiness with someone who appreciates her.

 

You're not quite ready yet to have a mature, committed relationship.

[Johnny B]

"Since that time, I have intense feelings of wanting her back. I never wanted someone else back before this. Once I break it off, it's done. Except this time and I can't get over her.

 

Something that I vow never to do again and accept that I was immature and did it b/c of my own insecurities."

 

 

Cali - Your point is well taken, however, I've never looked to others for advice as I am now with all of you, nor have I ever been so devestated by my actions toward a former g/f.

 

My hope was that you could see that my realization of what I did is a sign that I want to have a mature relationship with this person, I was just too foolish to realize at that time.

 

I'm looking for your advice on how to best try to get her back or just move on.

 

Best regards,

J

[CaliGuy]

Cali - Your point is well taken, however, I've never looked to others for advice as I am now with all of you, nor have I ever been so devestated by my actions toward a former g/f.

 

So are you saying that you take them all for granted, all the time, and suddenly when you have an epiphany you realize you've acted like a jacka$$ towards just one? No offense, but the way you described it you're being a jerk towards them all the time.

 

My hope was that you could see that my realization of what I did is a sign that I want to have a mature relationship with this person, I was just too foolish to realize at that time.

 

What bothers me here is you aren't motivated to change your behavior for the right reasons. You want to change for one girl. Hey, I know how you feel. I've been there. The problem is you need to change because YOU are disgusted with your own behavior and want to change for YOURSELF.

 

Not for her.

 

 

I'm looking for your advice on how to best try to get her back or just move on.

 

Ok, if you want my advice I will give it you, but chances are you aren't going to like it.

 

Forget about her. At least for now.

 

The focus needs to be on you. You need to ask yourself some deep questions like:

 

Why do I treat women this way?

What drives me to act like a jerk?

What do I need to do in order to change my attitude, for myself?

 

You feeling me here? You will not only never win her back, but your chances at any successful relationships will be slim because you need to solve the issues that are impeding you from having healthy relationships.

 

If you correct your beavior for yourself.

If you do it in such a manner that the behavioral changes are permanent.

Then and only then might you have a chance with this girl.

 

You left her with a very bad impression. It's going to take much more than just trying to win her back to change her impression of you. You need to overhaul your attitude towards women and dating in general.

 

See, you can talk about changes until the cows come home. That won't make a difference. Actions speak louder than words my friend and that is not just a cliche'.

 

Have you ever thought about seeing a Counselor? I'm not saying you are psycho. I think everyone who feels they need improvement in one area or another could benefit from talking to a trained professional. They're better able to give you a perspective that you hadn't thought of before.

 

Cheers.

[Johnny B]

 

What bothers me here is you aren't motivated to change your behavior for the right reasons. You want to change for one girl. Hey, I know how you feel. I've been there. The problem is you need to change because YOU are disgusted with your own behavior and want to change for YOURSELF.

 

Not for her.

 

Yes, that's right and if I cannot get her back, what I take from this is the lesson on how to be a better person in general.

I've already made that promise to myself.

 

 

You left her with a very bad impression. It's going to take much more than just trying to win her back to change her impression of you. You need to overhaul your attitude towards women and dating in general.

 

See, you can talk about changes until the cows come home. That won't make a difference. Actions speak louder than words my friend and that is not just a cliche'.

 

This is very true although even if I committ myself fully to becoming a better person, I believe that there will be no way for her to know.

I may have already lost my opportunity. So the end goal is still to make myself better, I know, I just hope there is a chance to redeem myself.

 

Have you ever thought about seeing a Counselor? I'm not saying you are psycho. I think everyone who feels they need improvement in one area or another could benefit from talking to a trained professional. They're better able to give you a perspective that you hadn't thought of before.

 

I have ruled out going to see someone b/c I'm sure they will ultimately drill down to my fears of abandonment and my continuous projection of my own insecurities on others.

I may not be good in relationships, but I am good at self-assessment and evaluation. I just wish it didn't have to come to this to make these conclusions.

 

Perhaps she was not sent to me to be my soul mate, but rather the person who will ultimately make me a better individual...

 

I'll keep you posted if you're interested.

Thx,

J

[StubbornOne]

I totally agree. If you know that you are an Ass, that's the first step to recovery. But, you have to want to change b/c you don't want to be that person anymore. You can't just say that you are going to change as a way to get her back.

 

You have told her how you feel. If she is in a happy relationship and you care about her, then let her be happy. If it doesn't work out with her new bf and she wants to give you a second chance, she'll contact you. But, don't wait around. Learn from your mistakes and don't make them again with the next one. If it is meant to be, then someday the two of you will reconnect.

[CaliGuy]

Yes, that's right and if I cannot get her back, what I take from this is the lesson on how to be a better person in general.

I've already made that promise to myself.

 

Very good. That's the easy part. The hard part is committing yourself to doing and sticking to it. Remember, it's for you, not anyone else that you are improving.

 

This is very true although even if I committ myself fully to becoming a better person, I believe that there will be no way for her to know.

 

If you are truly doing it for yourself, then it won't matter if she knows or not.

 

I may have already lost my opportunity. So the end goal is still to make myself better, I know, I just hope there is a chance to redeem myself.

 

Put no focus on her and what she thinks. Right now your focus should be on yourself entirely.

 

I have ruled out going to see someone b/c I'm sure they will ultimately drill down to my fears of abandonment and my continuous projection of my own insecurities on others.

 

Sounds like you have a good idea of what your problem is. What are you afraid of then? It doesn't appear to me the Counselor will unearth anything new. They will however give you ways to overcome those insecurities.

 

FWIW, I have always believed that jerks and nice guys suffer from the same core issue: insecurity. They just display it differently. One is an insecure wuss (under-compensates) and the other is an egotistical ass (over-compensates). The core problem is still insecurity in one form or another.

 

Fix them and you'll be able to walk the tight line that separates nice guy and jerk. And you'll find relationship happiness.

 

I may not be good in relationships, but I am good at self-assessment and evaluation. I just wish it didn't have to come to this to make these conclusions.

 

Well I commend you that you are able to do the self-assesment. Many people are unable to get past this important first step. Like I said though you must move to step 2 in order to put the wheels of change in motion.

 

Perhaps she was not sent to me to be my soul mate, but rather the person who will ultimately make me a better individual...

 

Every relationship we have is meant to teach us something. They aren't all meant to last. If you do take this as a learning experience and grow and become a better person, the next woman that you fall for whom you truly love will benefit from your hard learned lessons.

 

Trust me on that.

 

And whoever wins me is also going to benefit from all I have learned. I truly believe that.

 

I'll keep you posted if you're interested.

 

Definitely keep us posted!

[Johnny B]

I have been keeping to my end of the NC policy since I found this site about a week ago... it may be having some type of effect, but I need your thoughts:

 

She contacted me today via text message and wanted to know why I've been avoiding her and if we are still friends. Since we sent about 5 messages each, I will paraphrase what happend.

 

My response was that I am moving on with my life and although I care deeply for her, this was something that I had to do.

She pressed me on whether or not we were friends, in fact she was obsessing on it.

 

I never said 'yes' or 'no' to her question but each time responded with, "Just know that I care for you but I need to move on and this is what I have to do."

 

I sent the last message to that effect... Your thoughts?

 

-Johnny

[Sup]

Is she still with her BF?

[CaliGuy]

I have been keeping to my end of the NC policy since I found this site about a week ago... it may be having some type of effect, but I need your thoughts:

 

She contacted me today via text message and wanted to know why I've been avoiding her and if we are still friends. Since we sent about 5 messages each, I will paraphrase what happend.

 

My response was that I am moving on with my life and although I care deeply for her, this was something that I had to do.

She pressed me on whether or not we were friends, in fact she was obsessing on it.

 

I never said 'yes' or 'no' to her question but each time responded with, "Just know that I care for you but I need to move on and this is what I have to do."

 

I sent the last message to that effect... Your thoughts?

 

-Johnny

 

My question is the same as "Sup's"

 

However, when you are implementing NC it goes against the purpose to actually reply. It would have been better for you to wait a week or two at least. It's not a game but you still have feelings you need to sort out.

 

Also, you haven't begun to work on your improvements so getting back together with her now wouldn't be prudent.

 

You are still the same guy who left her.

[Johnny B]

Sup / Cali -

 

I have no reason to believe she has broken up with her BF. So I would say that she is still seeing him.

 

My situation is slightly compromised by the fact that we work for the same company.

 

If I would have avoided her entirely (texts/emails), she would surely approach me at my desk. In any event, I'm trying to avoid her at all costs and I answered her message just so that she wouldn't ask me face to face.

 

In light of this:

1. Was the response appropriate? (Cali - if we didnt work together, I assure you, I would have not answered the message)

2. How should I move forward after those events?

 

Regards,

Johnny

[Johnny B]

I also just want to thank all of you for the advice/support you have provided me thus far.

 

I am in new territory with this situation and all of you have been a rock for me.

 

It is very much appreciated. Thank you.

 

Johnny