Sup Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Well, if she came up to you and said they are not together anymore, or texted you it, that might be a good indicator. Even if you didn't work for that same company, she would've come to your house, or something. It ALMOST sounds like she's still interested, or, she could be stringing you along, knowing now that you really do like her. Kinda like a revenge thing, she may be doing to you what you did to her, ya know what I mean? I'm not saying that's what she's doing, but, it's not impossible.
vocalstudent86 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Sometimes time heals all wounds, other times I think things happen for a reason. A couple years ago I was that girl, being treated badly by my ex that I would have done anything for and then he broke up with me because he was in college and wanted to "see what was out there". It's natural that shes aprehensive because as the saying goes "you don't know what you got til its gone." Sometimes it's too late, other times only time can tell if it's right, and that means time with as little contact as possible. Seeing as how you violated the NC already and the fact that you work for the same company, little contact might work better than NC. In my own experience I have found the NC rule to be tough but 100% effective in yielding the results I have wanted and getting over breakups. You can never "just be friends" right out of the relationship, especially when one of the people has feelings for the other.
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 In light of this: 1. Was the response appropriate? (Cali - if we didnt work together, I assure you, I would have not answered the message) I still would have ignored it. Had she come to my desk I would have said "I'm really busy, can we talk some other time?" 2. How should I move forward after those events? Focus 100% on you. It doesn't matter what she is doing or who she is with right now. Just focus on purely on your own personal improvement goals. The fact that she started pestering you when you implemented NC means she is concerned about losing your attention. If you give it to her right away she's going to think that she has you by the cohonies. "Oh yeah, he still wants me!" In your case, you need to be a prize, without being an arse
MaxFlirt Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 CaliGuy- Overall some pretty good advice you've dished out. However I do take issue with: "I still would have ignored it. Had she come to my desk I would have said "I'm really busy, can we talk some other time?" " That's not an appropriate response given you want him to do NC. If he's doing NC, then some other time could mean 6 months from now. He does have to be respectful to her. So, I can't say I agree with this. I think he did the right thing. He let her know what he's doing. As a side note - and I'm not sure Johnny deserves it, but she fights for him, that's for sure. We should all have someone who would fight for you - they should never have to however. Johnny - I think you need to figure out how to get your insecurities in check - this girl doesn't sound like the type that would bail on you without totally fair warning and a chance to rectify things. I think she's shown that. I really do hope things work out for you, but as Cali said - words are just that. If it works out for you (and it sounds like it's heading towards a reconciliation) - you really need to treat her a lot better. You need to feel comfortable in the relationship.
Johnny B Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 As a side note - and I'm not sure Johnny deserves it, but she fights for him, that's for sure. We should all have someone who would fight for you - they should never have to however. MaxFlirt - Your analysis is spot-on. Can you elaborate a bit more on this statement? You are 100% correct, but how did you come to that conclusion without me going into detail? If it works out for you (and it sounds like it's heading towards a reconciliation) - you really need to treat her a lot better. You need to feel comfortable in the relationship. Max - What makes you think that? All indicators point to the fact that she is still with this other person. I think she wants to continue seeing him but keep me as a friend... Meaning, having her cake and eating it too. I'm not ok with that situation. Best, Johnny
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 That's not an appropriate response given you want him to do NC. If he's doing NC, then some other time could mean 6 months from now. He does have to be respectful to her. So, I can't say I agree with this. I think he did the right thing. He let her know what he's doing. I believe saying "I am really busy right now can we talk some other time" is pretty respectful. I'm not saying he should tell her to get bent but if he's truly trying to implement NC and she is not respecting that decision then at some point you have to put your foot down and say "Let me be." As a side note - and I'm not sure Johnny deserves it, but she fights for him, that's for sure. We should all have someone who would fight for you - they should never have to however. I agree here. If you find yourself fighting for someone I really would take an assessment of why and if it's pertinent to keep going. At some point you have to realize you're banging your head against the wall. Johnny - I think you need to figure out how to get your insecurities in check - this girl doesn't sound like the type that would bail on you without totally fair warning and a chance to rectify things. I think she's shown that. I really do hope things work out for you, but as Cali said - words are just that. If it works out for you (and it sounds like it's heading towards a reconciliation) - you really need to treat her a lot better. You need to feel comfortable in the relationship. That's why I think he needs to step away from any and all relationships and focus on himself completely. If he chooses to maintain contact with her on a basis that is more than just an occasional hello I think it would detur his personal growth.
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Max - What makes you think that? All indicators point to the fact that she is still with this other person. I think she wants to continue seeing him but keep me as a friend... Meaning, having her cake and eating it too. I'm not ok with that situation. And you shouldn't be. It's impossible to be friends with someone you have deep feelings for. It will impede your growth as well as any future relationships with other women. Work on yourself first. If it's meant to be it will happen.
MaxFlirt Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 "Can you elaborate a bit more on this statement? You are 100% correct, but how did you come to that conclusion without me going into detail?" You didn't have to give details. Many of us here are here because we fought, and fought and fought... all in vain. You outlined that she was trying to get you back, and wouldn't stop. To which you held her at arms lenght. And she continued. Well, she eventually gave up. It was bound to happen. "What makes you think that? All indicators point to the fact that she is still with this other person. " Well, the fact that she still initiates contact. And when you went NC, she got pretty upset about it. Yeah she's with someone else. That's on you though. You pushed her there. It's not fair for you to be upset about that. She's confused - I can guarantee that. It's obvious she's still into you - but you've shown yourself to frustrate her and quite frankly I doubt she trusts you. That doesn't change her heart though. To get her back, and really that sounds like your only goal here (I agree w/ CaliGuy that in order to keep her you have to imrpve before you get her back - but it seems like like you're only interested in the getting back part right now), you can play a game and probably win it - the aloof thing, then the friendly flirting thing, then the hook-up, etc. It sounds like you could play this if you really wanted to. I'm not going to give you a step by step on how to manipulate it, but it sounds to me like it's there. "I think she wants to continue seeing him but keep me as a friend" It doesn't to me but I'm not close to the situation. This is a woman who is in love with you (or at least was). That's not a switch people turn off easily. I could be wrong here though. "Meaning, having her cake and eating it too. I'm not ok with that situation." Well that's the bucket you put her in. Tough sh*t if that's the case. No sympathy from me here. Now, if it's a huge problem for you and you really think that's what she's doing - don't ever talk to her anymore. Afterall it's not OK with you. You're the one who put the 2 of you in the friend bucket. Now you're mad that she wants to keep it there?!?!? That's some ego (don't mean to come across harsh, but are you serious?!?!?).
Johnny B Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Well that's the bucket you put her in. Tough sh*t if that's the case. No sympathy from me here. Now, if it's a huge problem for you and you really think that's what she's doing - don't ever talk to her anymore. Afterall it's not OK with you. You're the one who put the 2 of you in the friend bucket. Now you're mad that she wants to keep it there?!?!? That's some ego (don't mean to come across harsh, but are you serious?!?!?). You may have misinterpreted what I meant ... Yes, I put her there and it is completely her perogative to date whomever she wants at this point. However, at this stage based on what I've done to her and how I regret it and still feel, I cannot be 'just friends' with her. I'd be lying to myself if I tried to do it. She may want to be my friend b/c she's moved on, its easy to be friends with your ex when you are the one with the upper hand (i.e. you are being persued by the other person). Right now, I need to break off all contact, otherwise I will just pine for her and I will never heal. -J
Sup Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 If she keeps calling you, or seeing you, you might want to ask why she's doing this when you're trying to heal, you could also ask her if she still loves you, or if this is a have your cake and eat it too kinda thing, I would be VERY careful and calm about asking those questions though, does anyone else think this is a good Idea? By the way, if you two do get back together, realize now she's probably sleeping with this guy, to ease her pain, sorry, but someone has to say it, you know others here ARE thinking the same way, so don't be surprised when she tells ya.
Johnny B Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Sup - Ok thanks bud, whether or not that's a fact and even if everyone is thinking it, really doesn't make it any easier to hear. My thoughts are that since she told me 7 weeks ago that she was seeing someone else, I tried for the first few weeks to get her back, obviously that was in vain. I was also doing it under the pretenses that I was ok with being her friend. Now after trying to implement NC and after the text message 'confrontation,' I would say this is a pivotal point. Only now does she know that I want to move on with my life and cannot be friends with her, even though she does know I care for her. So it is now where things will either just go on as they are or perhaps she will make contact with me. In my heart I don't believe the latter will occur and so I must, must, must look forward. With a heavy heart, J
crazy_grl Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I agree with CaliGuy that you need to focus your energy on improving yourself, not getting her back. I also want to add that even if you got her back and were 100% changed, it might not be a healthy relationship. You treated her badly, dumped her, and strung her along, right? Even so, she treated you like gold, put a lot of effort into winning you back, and is showing signs that she still has interest in you (being bothered that you want NC, etc). Her pursuit of you seems to show that she loves you, but why does she love you? Loving someone who hurts you is simply an exercise in self-hatred. If she loved herself, she would've broken up with you after you treated her badly. She doesn't seem to love herself, and you can't have a good relationship with anyone who doesn't.
Sup Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Just give it time, stay AWAY from her as much as you can, AVOID her. Go bowling, movies, ya know, try to keep your mind off of her. Go SOMEWHERE you know she'll NEVER find ya for a few days, ya know, just to clear your head, go sightseeing, take pictures. Oh, I hope she can't access your computer account or something, you may want to clear your computer logs just in case.
icebreaker Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 JB, Reading your post, I question what your real intentions are here. Do you really love her or is it for something more selfish? From your fear of abandonment to moving from girl to girl suggests some deep rooted issues. This isn't about loving the girl and getting back to her is it? She chased you all that time and I'm certain you enjoyed the attention. When she backed off you took it as a sign as rejection. And now, you want her back not because you love her but because nobody rejects you. In your mind your saying the only person that should be doing any rejection is me. Once you get her back through your carefull manipulations (texting vague responses), you will dump her and be rid of her once your need to reject her has been satisfied. It's your fear of abandoment, which provokes your behavior. That my friend is where your problem lies. Stop avoiding yourself.
Johnny B Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hey guys - So some of you might remember that I mentioned my ex leaving me a voicemail wishing me a happy bday and having something for me. Well, I got the something today and it was a bottle of wine with a note reading, "I haven't forgotten... anything." How do I take this? What do I do? Before this happend, I have taken the path of NC, I've been going to the gym now regularly (getting those endorphins out!!), going out with my buddies, basically spoiling myself to death. And I'm starting to feel great again!! Now this. Should I just say, 'thank you' in a text or email and just continue my 'new' life??? Cali? Sup? J
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hey guys - So some of you might remember that I mentioned my ex leaving me a voicemail wishing me a happy bday and having something for me. Well, I got the something today and it was a bottle of wine with a note reading, "I haven't forgotten... anything." How do I take this? What do I do? Before this happend, I have taken the path of NC, I've been going to the gym now regularly (getting those endorphins out!!), going out with my buddies, basically spoiling myself to death. And I'm starting to feel great again!! Now this. Should I just say, 'thank you' in a text or email and just continue my 'new' life??? Cali? Sup? J Wait a few days. Send her a short note thanking her for the gift. Usually I say NO to any contact when you are on NC but at this point, she was kind enough to remember your birthday and send you a gift. Be kind in return and thank her. Then get back to NC and continue doing what you are doing. Most of all I'd like to see you concentrate on your attitude and behavior so that you are no longer taking women for granted and treating them badly. Don't go to the extreme opposite and become a door mat nice guy. Figure out how to be a confident, well balanced man that is NICE when he should be a FIRM (not really mean but FIRM) when he should be. I have something I can email you when you have PM privileges.
Johnny B Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks, I'll do that. What is PM, Permanent Member? How do I get that status?
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks, I'll do that. What is PM, Permanent Member? How do I get that status? Private message. After 30 days and a set number of post you get private message abilities. Or, donate to support LS and they give them to you right away. Oh and let me add, if she's sending you the gift to open dialog and break NC, be wary of that. Don't get sucked into being her "friend" while you are healing and trying to get yourself sorted out. In a few months you might be ready for light dialog but for now just keep to NC and continue working on yourself.
Johnny B Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 So I waited a couple of days to thank her for the gift.. She followed that up with, "hey, i know you want your distance, but I just want to be clear, are we friends? Because it doesn't seem like we are." I responded, "I don't know what you want to call it, but under the circumstances, things should remain as is." (Meaning NC) So I guess that's it right? Aside from occasional work encounters, I dont think there is anything left to happen. This must be the end of the road. I guess it's out of my hands at this point. Johnny
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 So I waited a couple of days to thank her for the gift.. She followed that up with, "hey, i know you want your distance, but I just want to be clear, are we friends? Because it doesn't seem like we are." I responded, "I don't know what you want to call it, but under the circumstances, things should remain as is." (Meaning NC) So I guess that's it right? Aside from occasional work encounters, I dont think there is anything left to happen. This must be the end of the road. I guess it's out of my hands at this point. Johnny Yep. Leave it be for now. Focus on yourself and your personal improvements. What is meant to be will happen in time.
momadmac Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hey Cali Guy...I have to say I love your response. So true. Honestly..you want her back because she is a challenge. let's face it. She is not giving in to what you want now and now your game is back on. Let her go...she deserves to be happy with someone who is happy being with one person. Not saying you do not care.. But can you car enough?
Johnny B Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I would agree and say that my initial turnaround in feelings was when she told me she was seeing someone else. It was then that I realized I was no longer the object of affection. It's a blow to the ego, yes, but I think I deserved it. Only time will tell if my longing is genuine, but I do know that I feel that I've learned some valuable lessons on treating others as they wish, and should, be treated. Although the price I paid to learn this was to lose her in the process. j
Johnny B Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hi everyone - It's been another full week of NC since I told her flat out that we must stay apart from each other. Wouldn't you know it, I got another email yesterday... I'll paraphrase: "Just want to you to know that I know you were there for me all those months. I wouldn't have been able to get through my job last year without you. You were there to listen and hear me complain and you were there when I was upset. Thank you." Everyone, whyyyy is she doing this??? I've been clear that I want space and that we cannot be friends, but I keep getting these emails and texts. What's the deal? I'm not going to give in. I'm not going to respond. -J
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hi everyone - It's been another full week of NC since I told her flat out that we must stay apart from each other. Wouldn't you know it, I got another email yesterday... I'll paraphrase: "Just want to you to know that I know you were there for me all those months. I wouldn't have been able to get through my job last year without you. You were there to listen and hear me complain and you were there when I was upset. Thank you." Everyone, whyyyy is she doing this??? I've been clear that I want space and that we cannot be friends, but I keep getting these emails and texts. What's the deal? I'm not going to give in. I'm not going to respond. -J The key to breaking contact is when you hear the magical words: "I am sorry. I screwed up badly and want to try again. I want to be with you." Anything else? Don't break contact. The reason she is maintaining contact is for her own selfish reasons.
Sup Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I would have to agree, she's trying to drag this out, giving you a harder time of healing. But if she wants to ever get back together.......
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