I dumped her, but regret it now b/c she's moved on...

[Johnny B]

hey everyone - please let me vent on this...

 

So today I actually found out who the guy is that my ex is dating. All this time I thought there was a chance that it was either a hoax to test me or she just wanted time apart (or thats all just what my mind wanted to believe)

 

Today I found out that its someone who also works at my company.. young, good-looking and also her religion. I dont know him personally but he looks like a 'catch'

I'm so upset. It hurts so much no b/c its so tangible

 

And i found that the relationship but still be going strong b/c there is a Super Bowl party at his house and a co-worker referred to the event as her' b/fs party.

 

EVERYONE - I feel really, really depressed right now. I thought I was making personal progress but this is salt on the wound.

I really messed up with this girl... and now her relationship is 2 months old.. with I'm guessing a great guy..

 

I'm sure all of you will say it was mine to lose. and YES it was... and now I cannot forgive myself... The life lessons this has taught me is almost too much to bear.

 

What a mistake i've made.

 

I'm sorry for this post... I just needed it.

thanks

[CaliGuy]

Johnny, chalk it up to a lesson learned. The next time a good woman comes into your life, don't switch to doing everything to please her. Just be yourself, be well balanced, be good to her and treat her well and you'll be happy.

 

Another woman will come along. Trust me on that.

[Johnny B]

cali - you have been a good friend.. i wish i could repay you for the support. what is your story? how did you find this place? why have you been so helpful to someone you don't even know.

 

john

[Sup]

Johnny, I tell ya right right now, go TOTAL NC with this woman, I'm sure that this pretty much sums it up that she's been rubbing your nose in it. If she insists on pursuing you, I suggest that you tell her that you know about her great boyfriend, have heard about him, and ask her to stop rubbing your nose in it, as this is disrepecting towards you, then wish her well. Do this calmly, but don't be harsh. Does anyone here agree with this or not? I could be wrong here ya know, that's why I ask.

[HGP]

^Sounds reasonable. IF you're going to respond you have to reiterate that you don't want contact. I can relate, I've just gone through something similar, repeating the same mistakes I made a few years a go with another girl. That's the reason I found this site, actually. You'll get over it, but NC is very important.

[Johnny B]

Sup / HGP -

 

I hear what you guys are saying. I will keep the NC going... if you recall though I do work with her and pretty much see her on a daily basis...

 

I will keep NC, however if our paths cross at work my policy will be to acknowledge her and say, "hey, how's it going?" and leave it at that without showing the slightest bit of hurt, pain or remorse. That's it. No other contact whatsoever.

 

I need to show that my life will be great and whether she's there or not to let everyone know that I'm doing freakin great. No more bitterness and childish avoiding her purposely. I'm mature enough to show that I can move on.

 

Johnny

[CaliGuy]

cali - you have been a good friend.. i wish i could repay you for the support. what is your story? how did you find this place? why have you been so helpful to someone you don't even know.

 

john

 

 

It's a long story. I posted it here somewhere but suffice to say I learned a lot from LS, reading books, going to counseling and just working on being in the best I could be.

 

It's good enough for me. Whether it's good enough for someone else doesn't concern me anymore. I'm really the only one who has responsibility for makin me happy.

 

Just stick with the NC and work on yourself. You don't seem to have a problem attracting women so don't stress about that. There's always going to be one, two, three or more women who you want in your life whom you can not have. Eventually you'll meet the right one and the rest won't matter.

 

Cheers.

[kimba]

I would agree and say that my initial turnaround in feelings was when she told me she was seeing someone else. It was then that I realized I was no longer the object of affection. It's a blow to the ego, yes, but I think I deserved it.

 

Only time will tell if my longing is genuine, but I do know that I feel that I've learned some valuable lessons on treating others as they wish, and should, be treated.

 

Although the price I paid to learn this was to lose her in the process.

 

j

 

you want her......

 

 

It's been another full week of NC since I told her flat out that we must stay apart from each other. Wouldn't you know it, I got another email yesterday...

 

I'll paraphrase:

"Just want to you to know that I know you were there for me all those months. I wouldn't have been able to get through my job last year without you. You were there to listen and hear me complain and you were there when I was upset. Thank you."

 

Everyone, whyyyy is she doing this??? I've been clear that I want space and that we cannot be friends, but I keep getting these emails and texts.

 

What's the deal? I'm not going to give in. I'm not going to respond.

j

 

 

..and then you don't.....

all based on whether she is giving you attention or not, or whether she has a new boyfriend or not. Im sorry to be blunt but this appears to be all about your own ego - which deflates or inflates relative to the amount of attention you get from her.

I am soooo sick of guys like this.

[Johnny B]

Kimba - you're misinterpreting my feelings here:

 

I want her. YES

I miss her. YES

 

There is no question about this.

 

The second paragraph you quoted was me TRYING to be strong by using NC. However she keeps trying to make contact with me. And I know it's not to reconcile and get back together, it's because she wants to have her cake and eat it to.

 

She's still with her new b/f and she wants to keep me as a friend. I'm not ok with that situation and I told her this.

 

It is her that is going off on the ego trip, not me.

 

Karma really hurts.

[Sup]

Any chance that you could change departments, shifts, locations, ANYTHING!?

[Johnny B]

Sup - I wish it would be that easy but I cannot do that although she will probably be leaving the group within the next 6 months.

 

Won't this be a fun 6 months for me...

[Sup]

Why would she be leaving? Too bad I can't have Scotty beam you up. I know you're saying - I Wish!

[Sup]

Don't you have any planned vacation, that could take WEEKS to accomplish, any planned projects that could take WEEKS to finish. How about just getting SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy, that you just CANNOT be disturbed by ANYONE or the whole project could/would be ruined? Help me out here MAN PLEASE! LOL!!!!!

[Johnny B]

Ok, as per a prior post I decided today to do something new since I see this girl every day at work.

 

I abandoned the total NC / I can't stand to look at you attitude, because I'm pretty sure I'm coming off as if I'm childish and it looks as if she's broken my heart completely.

 

So I see her today and in passing I say hello, how was your (b/f's) Super Bowl party? She said it was fine, but looked a little puzzled:

1. b/c i spoke to her.

2. b/c i mentioned the forbidden name.

 

But i did it in a way that was like hey, thats really great!! im glad you had a good time attitude.. It threw her off.

 

She immediately got back to her desk and asked my why I was playing games with her. I told her that I honestly was not playing games and that I'm really ok with everything and wanted to know if her weekend went well.

 

OK NOW.... key statments from the convo, she said:

'i wouldnt be so sure as to what you hear from other people. People always want to put others in a category, couples, not couples or whatever. I myself am struggling with what we (her and her b/f) are right now.'

 

To this, I just said.. ok fine. She began to go into what was bothering her professionally, just as she did when we were togther. It was like she flipped a switch and she spilled her sorrows.

 

Toward the end she said:

"I know you don't want to be friends but I do appreciate the friendship we used to have and maybe one day can have again. I am not playing games but I meant everything I have said to you.'

 

I said.. "As have I"

 

Finally she said: "Have a good night. I've stayed here 20 minutes too long, but it was worth talking to you".

 

OK I KNOW, this is not a I miss you, I want you back email.. but I think I hit a cord with her. I DEFINATELY feel better with her knowing that I'm completely fine with her situation and that I'm fine overall.

 

She may be trying to bait me into a let's be friends again situation, which I certainly will not do, but at least now I feel like I have some dignity back. On the surface, I'm no longer sad and down about her situation (I am but I wont let her think that).. its more like whatever. You go girl.

Also, I wanted her to know that I care about her troubles at work/professionally, but I dont care about the state of her new relationship.

 

I DONT KNOW... My plan now is to continue the NC unless I run into her in the hall... then I will just say, "Hi, how are you?" And thats it.

 

Don't know if this was a big mistake or a decent manuver on my part. All I know is that I had to save some face at work.

 

Any thoughts ?

[CaliGuy]

Just do whatever makes you feel good. As long as you don't let it bother you emotionally or you let it get to the point that you are obsessed with it.

[Johnny B]

Thanks Cali..

 

Any thoughts on the conversation itself? Or am I reading too much into it?

 

You are the big brother I never had.

 

j

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Cali..

 

Any thoughts on the conversation itself? Or am I reading too much into it?

 

Far too much into it. From my impression you are hanging on her every word. She isn't saying the magic words you would need to hear which is "I screwed up, I'm sorry, I want to try again." Until that happens, if ever, you need to move on with your life. I personally think you need to stick to NC. Being friendly is nice but if it's bothering you then don't do it. You don't have to smile at her or say hi all the time.

 

You are the big brother I never had.

 

Thanks. Just don't be like my little brother and listen only to the advice you like and not the advice you don't

[Guest]

Johnny B, I have been in that exact same position and all i can say is that you arent really in love with her. I think you are in love with the person you think she is and not who she really is. I think you love her but you are not in love with her. I think your insecurities are causing you to believe that she is more than you once thought. I know begging and being a doormat will only hinder your chances with her because she has all the power now.

 

At this point, she will only laugh at your face for the helpless coward youve become. What you have to do is pick yourself up and see other people. Talk is cheap and action is the only choice for victory. If she trully loves you, she is just using this guy to escape the reality of losing you and loving you. By the time you move on, you might not even care about a future together. Hope this makes sense to you.

[heartbroken1234]

Do the girl a favor and leave her alone... Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in second chances... but DUDE... the feelings you're having aren't that of love... You're just jealous and thats all there is to it. And she see's that... it's so obvious... She tried and tried to get you back, but NO, you thought you were so above that until she found someone that actually treats her how she deserves. Personally... I don't think you really love her, you're just a selfish person who has to get what you want and are jealous of her and her new guy. But, if you are going to claim that you love her, then respect her decision and if she's meant to come back, she will, but leave her alone and let her figure it out herself.

[Johnny B]

Guest / Heartbroken -

 

Both of your points are valid. I still have enough sanity to step back and see where you both are coming from with that...... but, I'm just completely devestated by what I've done.

 

Let me ask EVERYONE..........

 

Who is to say that when you find someone special you immediately KNOW he/she is the one? Is it out of the question to know that AFTER it's over or after you've lost what you had?

 

I've never said 'I love you' to anyone and that's because I've never felt that way... until now.

 

Am I mistaking my feelings for something else??? Please help me understand what I'm feeling because I think I lost an amazing person because of my selfish/stupid/egotistical ways.

 

Please advise

[Johnny B]

You know how in many of our cases our ex gets together with someone after us and it seems to be going great in that honeymoon stage? Or at least from what we can tell???

 

Well, honestly, what do you think are the chances that our Ex's actually finds that better person right of the bat? Meaning 'the one' for them? The one that will never give us to opportunity to get our Ex back, regardless of how well we use NC.

 

My ex has been with the new b/f now for 2 months. Perhaps not an eternity but it makes me feel miserable that WHAT IF SHE FOUND HER ONE? With Valentines around the corner, won't that just solidify any relationship???

 

I thought the first person after the breakup is supposed to be the rebound person! If you know my story, I dated 4 girls in the months after my ex.. each one worse than the next... And the first guy she dates is amazing for all I know.

 

I really just want my second chance.... I really messed up :***(

[HGP]

Ah yes, Valentines, the absolute worst time of year when you're lonely.

 

Your situation's tough because you see her every day. Probably best to assume she's found her one and that you'll never get another chance...and go as NC as possible under the circumstances. You'll never get your sanity back if you keep talking to her and then analyzing every detail of the conversation.

[Johnny B]

Everyone -

 

I fully understand the point of NC being not to get your ex back, but to heal yourself and move on. Understood.

 

However, how would the ex EVER know that you've improved yourself where there may be a chance they want to come back?

 

Basically, right now, I believe she cares for me as a friend and wanted to continue the platonic friendship, I of course said no. BUT how would she ever be able to re-kindle her feelings for me without knowing the changes I've vowed to make???

 

My guess is that she would not want to return to the man she remembered, rather the one I want to become.

 

This is all very hypothetical and speculative and the opposite of the purpose of NC, I know. Just humor me, is this something that is just left to the Gods???

 

Please tell me.

Johnny

[CaliGuy]

Everyone -

 

I fully understand the point of NC being not to get your ex back, but to heal yourself and move on. Understood.

 

However, how would the ex EVER know that you've improved yourself where there may be a chance they want to come back?

 

Basically, right now, I believe she cares for me as a friend and wanted to continue the platonic friendship, I of course said no. BUT how would she ever be able to re-kindle her feelings for me without knowing the changes I've vowed to make???

 

My guess is that she would not want to return to the man she remembered, rather the one I want to become.

 

This is all very hypothetical and speculative and the opposite of the purpose of NC, I know. Just humor me, is this something that is just left to the Gods???

 

Please tell me.

Johnny

 

 

Couple things.

 

If you get dumped, your ex meets someone else and they get married then your relationship with her was simply not meant to be. All it means is there is someone else out there that is a better fit for you. Hard to swallow when you're still in the recovering phase but to be honest, this happens to everyone! It's not exclusive to you. And it could happen again.

 

People come into our lives that were never meant to be there permanently. They are meant to teach us something and then move on. You learned something from your ex. That you needed to change who you were. She has done her job in your life.

 

Now it's up to you to accept that this is the fate that God had in store for you. He teaches you life lessons in ways that will impact you far greater than if someone just told you. You needed to experience this heartbreak. We're not immune.

 

I've suffered this myself. I've had women in my life that have married other men. It happens. No big deal. I realize they weren't meant to be with me forever. But in each and every case I have learned something and become a better person for knowing them. To me, that's an invaluable life lesson that will benefit me greatly and ultimately the right woman that comes into my life.

 

You can sit here and pine over a lost love but that will get you nowhere. Learn, learn, learn from the experience, grow as a person and put any thoughts of showing her you've changed out of your mind.

 

The only person that it should matter to whether you have changed or not is you.

 

And when the right one comes along you will look back at all your dating experiences and be grateful for them. They brought you to the point you met Ms. Right and you will have a very satisfying and rewarding relationship.

 

Life is a lesson, you learn it when you're through.

 

If your ex is meant to be with you it will happen in the future. But it won't happen if you are selectively plotting ways to win her back.

[Johnny B]

Your advice is always sound and deep down I know it's correct. I wish it would be easier than this, time just moves so slowly lately.

 

If time is the great healer, he is not on my side right now.