Fiance and her friend - Potential Disaster

[mvaughn]

Hi, my name is Albert. My fiance, Sharon, and I have been living together for 3 years. In July we had our first baby. We have a house we bought 6 months ago. We've been working pretty hard to get our life together. We are a little broke due to her constant changing of jobs and we have quite a bit of stress. A couple weeks ago, Sharon told me that she was unsure about us and generally unhappy with the way her life is going. She is 22 years old I guess she feels like she's missing out on being young. Mind you, she's a great mother and would never dream of leaving her baby. She has always dwelled on our short courtship before living together. She feels that we missed out on something important by not dating a lot even though we were best friends for about 6 months before getting together. She also says that lately I've been clingy when we're being affectionate. I didn't think so, but I decided to make an effort anyway. She said that if we were to break up that it would be to take time to herself and figure out what she wants in her life

 

Around the same time of this conversation, I noticed that she had been increasingly on an online forum where she has been for about 5 years and she started always being online with one of her online friends, Jason who lives in Canada. We have been slowly coming into the means of having money and she has always wanted to go to Canada, so I said "sure, whatever you want to do is cool with me." She has never given me any reason to not trust her and I thought maybe she could sow some wild oats. She started organizing a meet with all the Canadian members on that board. All seemed ok with me.

 

Little by little she started being online on the forum and chatting with Jason on MSN more and more to the point of almost never putting our laptop down and she started logging off after using her forum, which she never did before and disabling her Trillian message logs. Also, a couple times she obviously made sure I couldn't read what she was typing when I sat next to her. This all seemed kinda suspicious to me. Now, I try to not be a jealous guy, so I just brought it up to her and she told me that her friend Jason has a crush on her and that she has a small crush on him back, but she would never act on it and I'm the most important person in her life and that she knows that if she was to do anything she would not only be jeopardizing our relationship, but also out friendship and that's the last thing she wants. Ok. I can't very well tell her to stop talking to her friend (she doesn't have a lot of friends since most moved away). I talked to her about feeling uncomfortable and she asked if I didn't want her to go to Canada. I said that I think she should go.

 

Last few days, she has not wanted to put the laptop down for anything. She's on it if we're watching TV. She's on it if friends are over. She's on it from morning till night (she works at home). She said that she has been looking for a part-time job to supplement our income. Ok. The other day when she got up from using the laptop and walked to the kitchen, I picked it up and she ran back to log her stuff off. She said she just wanted to finish her conversation. I was really bothered by that for a couple days. I had no proof, but I had a feeling. That was last week.

 

Day before yesterday, she left her account logged on. I turned on her message log on Trillian. I decided to have a talk with her about spending time with me and not the laptop when I'm off work. I asked her to please stop when I get home and spend some time with me. She didn't. Now, by this time, in my mind I'm starting to go a little crazy. This morning I looked at her account. She has several messages from him where he's telling her how lucky he is that she talks to him and how he thinks she's beautiful and how he's happy that she likes him back. She tells him how she's not really afraid of the cold weather in Canada since the cold makes her cuddly. She also said to him that she doesn't plan on having any sex when she's in Canada, but that she does enjoy a sex fest since she's a really sexual person. She told him that she probably won't even kiss him since she probably wouldn't be able to stop after that started. She just can't wait till he picks her up from the airport and they can check into a hotel and talk all night. Now, this is just in a day. What else have they talked about?? I felt really shaken. My could feel my blood rise at reading all this. In her past before she and I got together I know of at least two guys that were her friends that she slept with in the heat of the moment so this makes me kinda nervous

 

Now, I know that I invaded her privacy. I feel like a complete piece of crap for that. I've basically become one of the things I hate the most. I just can't get it out of my mind. I know she would be incredibly upset if I brought this up to her. I don't know what to do. I think if I just let this go it's going to eat me up alive. Should I talk to her? Should I talk to him? Should I ask her to not go to Canada? Should I ask her to not talk to him anymore? Should I let her go and figure things out for herself? I think that I'm a fairly intelligent person. I was thinking of telling her something like: "I turned back on your message logs a couple days ago. I haven't looked but I would like you to show me."

 

I know that this can potentially be disastrous. I could lose the love of my life, my son and basically my whole entire life. I really don't want that. Does anyone know what I should do?

[Cecelius]

She's trying to head for the hills (I don't blame her for that -- she's so young almost nothing she does is her fault, IMHO).

 

I hope for your sake that you have some kind of Buy/Sell agreement on the house. Frankly, I think the relationship is doomed - she was too young to have gotten into this situation and clearly doesn't want to be there. you may try counselling if you are interested.

 

you snooped, and that confirmed what you already knew, and clarified what was already incorrect behavior from her (we don't see her side, so it's hard to say if she has any gripes). But snooping doesn't change that you were not happy with things previously.

 

I suggest you bring up with her (1) that you are not happy and want to make things better for both of you and the boy (2) discuss arrangements to sell the house, or one of you buy out the other (perhaps you could both still live there but with ONE of you as the owner and the other a renter) and (3) open a discussion about visitation, support and custody. When you get these together, get them documented to the extent permitted by law.

 

Be advised: without knowing anything, this could get very, very ugly. Even if you own the house and she does not, she lives there - if you get too emotional about things, you can get put out of your house in about 30 minutes with a call to 911. I have no clue if things could go that way, of course, but she's somewhat on the fringe.

[norajane]

She's trying to head for the hills (I don't blame her for that -- she's so young almost nothing she does is her fault, IMHO).

 

Well, I do blame her for it. I don't care how young or old you are, if you have a long term relationship and a child, your priorities are at home, not some guy in Canada. She knows better.

 

mvaughn - go on the offensive. Tell her YOU are unhappy with how things are. Tell her SHE is being disrespectful of you, your son, and your relationship by spending so much time on the laptop, even with friends. Tell her YOU are upset that she is chatting so often and so long and so much with another man. Tell her that YOU are considering whether to end this relationship with her because SHE has already checked out of it. Tell her SHE is destroying your relationship very quickly.

 

Tell her that unless she stops flirting with this guy on the internet, and pays more attention to your relationship and your son, that YOU are going to end the relationship. Tell her if she needs to date other people, that you will be happy to let her, but not while she is living with you.

 

She's gotten very complacent and thinks that she can just carry on as she will and you'll allow her to do so. Man up and tell her you will not sit back while she flirts with other men and makes arrangements to meet them. If she's so all-fired interested in Canada, tell her you have no problem with that, but you and your son will accompany her.

[mvaughn]

I talked to her today and let her know that if she wanted us to work, she will need to let him know that he has no hope of being with her and I want to talk to him too. This is what she wrote him:

 

Albert and I had a long talk last night. Things really aren't okay... I'm really not okay. I don't know what to say. He's really upset about everything. Neither one of us know what's going to happen with our relationship. We have some huge issues to get over, and honestly, neither one of us know if we can. It's mostly stuff even from way in the beginning of our relationship. I'm pretty sure you know our story.

 

He's really concerned about you and me. I know that I've told you before that even if he and I split, I'm going to be single and I know you respect that. Your friendship is really important to me, and he respects that. He still wants me to go to Canada, and he actually said he wants me to go as soon as I can. He thinks that in order for me to be okay, I need to go. I don't know why I agree with him, but I think I do.

 

I know that you wouldn't put me in any situation where I'd feel like I have to choose, and I know you would never ask me to be unfaithful to him. I know you and I are mutually interested. I've fought it, to be honest, but it's true. Right now I really need to concentrate on whether or not I can get over these obstacles that I have with my relationship with him's . I don't know that I can. But I owe it to him to try.

 

He wants to chat with you sometime. He told me that he feels like maybe if he just knew you as more than 'the guy I chat with in Canada' that he might not be as unsure. I'm sure it's true, because it happened with another friend of mine, who he hated until he met.

 

I promised him last night that I wouldn't flirt with you and that I wouldn't do anything to intentionally give you 'hope'.You're one of my best friends and I want to keep that. You know how ****ed up I am right now, and I know you understand...

 

Somehow this made me feel even worse.

Thanks for the replies. I will talk to her let her know that if she goes to Canada, so will I. I'm really not ready to call it quits. Anyone know any couselors in the Phoenix AZ area?

[whichwayisup]

First thing you have to do is call off the engagement.

 

She needs to end this friendship with him and STOP chatting online 24/7. She is not only neglecting you and the relationship, she's also neglecting her own child! She may not see it that way, or understand what she's doing because she's SO addicted to this online man in Canada.

 

I will try to find a link for you of a former member, his name is Owl. His wife nearly left him for some guy online...

 

IF your wife decides to go to Canada, tell her don't bother coming home again, and that the relationship is OVER.

 

And, print out copies of her conversations with the online guy so you have it just incase...

 

I will find that link for you and post it so you can read it, hopefully you'll gain some insight on how to deal with her and this situation abit better.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[norajane]

I will talk to her let her know that if she goes to Canada, so will I.

 

Good. Stand your ground on going with her. There is NO REASON why you have to sit back and make it easy for her to put herself in the way of temptation with this guy, no reason for you to make it easy for her to cheat...which, IMO, she already is in an emotional affair kind of way.

 

Be prepared for her to get angry when you tell her you're going with her. You'll be ruining all her plans with Mr. Canada. Won't be nearly as exciting for her without the prospect of having all kinds of alone time to see if sparks fly.

 

If she absolutely insists on going alone, then follow Whichway's advice - relationship is over, don't bother coming home as you'll have changed the locks by the time she comes back.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t50972/

 

Read both threads of his, hopefully it will help you and give you some ideas on how to handle your situation.

[Guest]

Why don't you bring up the suggestion that you want to goto Canada with her?

[Javelin]

Please forgive how I wrote this, I'm pressed for time!

 

You people are missing a strong point here. It's not that she's young, she's mentally incapable of settling down right now, but in no way am I justifying her actions. She's a grown woman with a fiance & baby, she needs to either step up or step out; otherwise she could be labeled as an unfit parent when/if you guys split up.

 

If she goes to Canada, you are going with her. If you aren't going, then neither is she. If she goes without you, the relationship is done. Why would you let her go to Canada, ALONE, to primarily see a guy she's now *in love* with? Come on, you have to turn up the heat in this situation!

 

BTW, it'll be in your best interest to save any conversations she has had with this guy. You know, some leverage in court if/when you split up or go for custody of your child.