My story is just beginning........

[umami]

Hello. I stumbled across this website this week. Nice to meet you all, but I hate that I'm here

 

I will try to give you all a quick (yeah, right) version of my marriage and separation. I'm in the confused, denial, lonely stage right now. Finding it to be very difficult.

 

H and I have been together for 10 years, met in college. We've been married 3 1/2 years.

 

H is an artist. Very good and has done many things artists his age have never done and maybe never will. I moved w/ him, we were engaged, when he started grad school. That ended and we moved somewhere else for another program he was doing. He has never really held a normal job, but has recently sold some art. He has taught some, but never full time work. I've always thought he needs studio time and it was ok if he only worked part time as long as we were not in debt. I have a job and have supported us the past few years. I've always worked, since I was 15. I always made sure I had a job, went to work, you know what normal people do!

 

H has been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it has gotten a lot worse this past year. He has a hard time making decisions, feels he can not relate to ANYONE, pushes people away, procrastinates, always lives in fear, concentration and anxiety issues. He wouldn't take care of things around the house except take the trash out, put his clothes away and do the dishes. It would take every ounce of him to actually repair something even though he knows how to do it. He is a perfectionist. His weight has yo-yo'ed from 200# to 275# in the past 10 years I've known him. He would go eat fast food on top of his other meals saying it made him "numb" for 10 min. Filling a void. His family has enabled him and so I have I. He has never had to be responsible b/c everyone took care of him. He tried to go to one on one counseling 3/06 but the therapist was not a match for him and he did not find anyone else. He never wanted to go on meds. His sister and father are both depressed and on meds.

 

About me, I'm hard working, particular, nurturer, caregiver, anal retentive in my own way, frugle. I had been having a hard time being there for H emotionally. I will not blame it completely on him, I will take responsibility for some of it. I was becoming less and less attracted to his weakness, his never doing anything, his procrastination..it drove me nuts.

 

The good things, he is very sweet, loving, charming, funny, always makes me laugh, gives the best hugs, always complimenting me, etc. I took these things for granted and did not always return them to him. I'm sad about this. I'm mad I didn't.

 

H and I both discussed how things were not going well btwn us. I guess I never thought anything would happen and I was committed to the relationship. He said we were not communicating well, however he was not communicating well w/ anyone. I would get frustrated when he would come home and talk about how uncertain he was about everything in his career, etc and would just end the conversation. I know now I should have just listened, but it made me feel very unsecure about our finacial future.

 

We had two miscarriages this year. After the second one, I was very upset. H suggested us going to marriage counseling. However, at this point H started to reach out to a close friend of his who was a women. She is single, attractive, in the art field, funny, etc. I know her, baked her cookies a couple of months ago and she baked us food after the miscarriage. DH was definitely depressed at this point. More so then any other time. Since Oct. he had spent over 200+ min. on the phone w/ her, see her at work (she was an assistant at the school he was teaching at), hang out in her office, have lunch w/ her. Naive as I am, I thought he needed to talk to someone. We were not relating to one another and I was exhausted by his depression. I thought it was good he was talking to someone about his problems. There were 2 times I felt uncomfortable about them being close and I mentioned it to him. He said they were only friends.

 

We started to go to therapy in October. I made changes in the emotional department, but he was not doing anything different. He had already checked out. He was feeling deep connections w/ this OW. I was in a no win situation.

 

To sum up what happened, sorry this is so long....He ended up spending a night w/ this OW. It happened about a month ago. They did not have sex, but they kissed and touched. They shared many intimate feelings w/ one another. He ended up going off the deep end the morning after and left for his sisters house w/o telling me anything. She lives in a different state. His sister called me worried about him. He kept saying he was going crazy. He was not calling me. He finally came home the next day. He walked in, cried, and said he didn't want to be married and wasn't in love w/ me. He said the miscarriages and his feelings for this OW confirmed it. He said he was not going to be with this OW. I left for a friends house.

 

We were supposed to leave for my families house a few days after this all took place for xmas. I was panicked b/c he was in such a weird state of mind. He was not thinking clearly or talking normal. I have worked my butt off and got scared he would take money or something. Everyone was telling me to get a lawyer. So I did. I filed for divorce even though I thought it was all too quick, but I wanted to protect myself while I was gone.

 

I was gone for a week and when I got back we went to a counseling session together, recommended by our counselor. He got on anti-depressants.

 

I was trying to ease myself back in to the house and he was to find elsewhere to live. Last week, he would be home intentionally when I got home. We had many conversations about what had happen, our feelings, what we should do, etc. He said things moved to fast and he did not want to get a divorce, but didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know how he could ask for me back, he didn't know how he could work on the relationship while working on himself. We both thought a separation was needed. We were getting along really well, of course . He started to think a little more clearer, but still very confused about love, marriage, what he did, what he should do, etc.

 

As of Saturday, we came to a conclusion that he would not come by the house when I would be home. He would stay at his friends house for an extended period of time. He would go back to his job, but would not continue this destructive relationship with this woman. He would go to therapy. He would stay on his meds.

 

So, here I am. Dang that was long. I'm so sorry. It just seems so complicated.

 

I'm living in our house. I hate coming home to an empty home. I miss him so much. I am so unclear about the future and what I should do. I don't feel as though I can continue w/ the divorce at this point. I have hope, but am wondering why I would want to be w/ someone who did what he did and is going to be chronically depressed?????? I want him to get help. I want him to tell me we will work on our marriage. I feel like we have hit rock bottom and we can make this marriage be all it was supposed to be. I would only work on it if he was consistently taking his meds and seeking therapy. My feelings are taking control and I know I need to think with my head, but I don't feel like I'm there yet.

 

Thank you for listening to my story.

 

M

[Gunny376]

Actually, I think you and the DH are exacatlly where you should be after 10 years of marriage?! And, I'm not trying to be funny in saying that. The two of you are so normal that its almost a textbook definition?

 

Now the crux of the situation is that the two of you are at the fork in the road. Do you go left or do you go right? Most go right, that's the easy road. D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

 

Simply because they lack the internal foritude to do the hard and necessary work required..

 

If you can get him on board, and you're on board, you have a real window of opportunity to have what few ever obtain ~ a true marriage. To realize the full promise that marriage holds.

 

But, it will require self examination, and identifying your fears, worries, insecurties.

 

Obviously one of these is finances.

 

Goggle Mary Hunt's "Debt Free Living"

 

Marriage and life requires preventive maintence, and tune ups, that's what's in order here.

 

Time to get your act together.

 

Your fortunate ~ many live a lifetime before (if ever) reaching where you come to find yourself.

[umami]

Gunny, thank you for your reply.

 

H seems to question love and marriage. He seems to think it should be all passion, 4 hour conversations (like he had w/ the OW), honeymoon phase. Well, that is what he thought it was, now he realizes he is unsure. I told him he would have to be with a new woman every year to experience that type of relationship for the rest of his life. We don't have the best role models for marriages in our friends and family. We don't feel we had the tools to make things work.

 

I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. We are supposed to not talk/see each other for a period of time. There was no date set, but I believe we said a few weeks. I know he has some serious work on himself and I have no idea how long it takes a person this depressed to feel better. He is so disconnected to reality right now.

 

I have people telling me I need to move on, to remember what he did to me, remember what he hasn't done for you. I have taken half of the responsibility to the failure we are experiencing right now. I will not take responsibility for the affair.

 

I want to call him/see him, but I am assuming I should not??? I haven't specifically said I want to work this out, mainly b/c he wasn't saying it. He was just saying, "I don't know anything right now". Can I get past all the crap I dealt w/ in the past resulting from his depression??? I'm just so confused. I wish I could make a decision to leave b/c then I would just pick up and do it. It would be hard, but I would have made a decision. I feel there is something there to work on. I don't know if I need to tell him this? I don't know if I should just give it a few weeks and then tell him? I don't know!!!! So confusing. I have never had to play these "games" with him before. I hate that I can't call my husband.

[umami]

Actually, I think you and the DH are exacatlly where you should be after 10 years of marriage?! And, I'm not trying to be funny in saying that. The two of you are so normal that its almost a textbook definition?

 

Gunny, we've been together for 10, married for 3 1/2 years.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, we've been together for 10, married for 3 1/2 years.

 

A lion's a lion, a tiger a tiger, a tabby's a tabby ~ they're all cats!

 

 

I told him he would have to be with a new woman every year to experience that type of relationship for the rest of his life.

 

BINGO!!!!

The problem here is that you've got "homonal ~ bio chemicals" kicking around in the brain housing group (both you and him) that come from the most primitive part of the brain ~ and that drive the need to procreate, mate, pass on one's DNA, conflicting with societial and cultural myths, fallacies, etc about what "true love" is and is all about.

 

There isn't a "Tha' ONE" There are simply people that you're more comnpatible with and who compliment you and who you compliment you. But even with that, relationships require being pro-active ~ not reactive. Relationships require conscious work.

 

Depression can be solved simply by controlling your thoughts, and allowing yourself to think or not think in certain ways.

 

With that said, I'm going to have all kinds of people jump on me telling me that depression is as much a physical aliement as it is a mental one. And, they would be right. You're not controlling your thoughts and emotions, instead of letting them control you does lead to bio-chemicals being released in the brain that feed the depression, and then it becomes cyclical ~ feeding upon itself.

 

Alcohol is a depresent. People who are depressed ~ drink! Just fact! They drink because they're depressed, the alcohol (a depressent) feeds the depression ~ it becomes cyclical and self perpetuating.

 

You don't have to drink alcohol to be depressed, and the bio-chemical are there to feed the depression.

 

What is required is to break the cycle. To do that you need to change your perspective. As you think, is as you believe, as you belive is as you are.

 

Depresssion is rampant in the United States? Why? When you have people sleeping on the ground living in straw huts in Africa and elsewhere that are as happy as they can be? If you have a roof over your head, food to eat, and potable water ~ you're literally ahead of billions of people around the world.

 

If your depressed because the wife or husband left, you don't have a Lexus to drive, or live the lifestyle of the rich and famous ~ you're just being a horse's ass! Get a grip! Get a life!

 

I've been through the divorce thing, the cheating wife thing, the bankruptcy, IRS problems, etc ad nausem. Bottom line? You get divorce or break up all it means is that you've got to get off your butt and go find someone new to have sex with? Damn the bad luck! :) :) :love: :love:

[whichwayisup]

His depression and anxiety has to get under control before anything else happens. Meds, therapy and alot of support from everybody in his life.

 

Google Depression Fallout, some useful information there too...

[umami]

Depression can be solved simply by controlling your thoughts, and allowing yourself to think or not think in certain ways.

 

With that said, I'm going to have all kinds of people jump on me telling me that depression is as much a physical aliement as it is a mental one. And, they would be right. You're not controlling your thoughts and emotions, instead of letting them control you does lead to bio-chemicals being released in the brain that feed the depression, and then it becomes cyclical ~ feeding upon itself.

 

What is required is to break the cycle. To do that you need to change your perspective. As you think, is as you believe, as you belive is as you are.

 

Gunny, again thanks for your response. I understand what you are saying. I think he has been going through the cycle for so long he is spinning so out of control. It is wild. He can not seem to make any decisions right now. I "think" he is trying to break the cycle. He has a list of therapists to call, but not sure if he has. He has a friend who is a psychologist, but in a different state. He is trying to get recommendations. I am crossing my fingers he got on the phone and made appts for next week. Who knows.

 

My MIL called me for the first time since this all happened on Thursday night. I was shocked she hadn't called b/c we are close, but I get why she hadn't. It was a nice phone call, but also showed she is very concern about her son. She of course wanted to run to our state or bring him where she lives to get him help. I told her very firmly he needs to do this one on his own!!! He needs to live in the real world and get help, not w/ his parents.

 

 

 

Thank you for your words, whichwayisup. I will check out the depression fallout. Thanks.

 

 

What I'm having a hard time with right now is him seeking help w/o me. Pity party ahead! I would stand by him, but of course he played the affair card which makes this difficult. I had such a hard time not calling him yesterday. I wanted to talk so bad. How do I fight that urge????? I ended up calling a friend who is going through a divorce. It helped, but I just miss him so much. We haven't seen each other in one week and exchanged some emails on Wed. How bad is it if I call him?

 

Thank you-M

[polywog]

Hi there, you left a nice post on my thread and so I just (re)read yours...

Yes, we are going through the same thing right now so I feel for ya sistah...you are Not Alone! We can read each other's threads for moral support .

 

Anyhow, I just wanted share my experience with antidepressants to give you some insight if you need it. I began to take them 10 years ago (not an easy decison, because I hate to take anything). They turned my life around. What you need to know is that they take a while, a few weeks or so usually, to kick in, and there is a whole adjustment period with wacky side effects. Your H probably won't be himself so take that into consideration.

 

i also had another thought. I am an artist also, and was married to another artist (divorced now from him). We both have careers, but his is bigger than mine (for the moment). A lot of artists freak out when the big success thing happens, it's hard being under the microscope having people wait around to see what you are going to produce next. If your work comes from the heart, especially, since that kind of work comes out at its own pace. Could he be going through a crisis because of somthing like this? It's a big thing.

 

Hang in there... you will be on my mind!

 

polywog

[umami]

Polywog, thanks for the reply and your thoughts on medication.

 

He is not "big" by any means, but has had some successful things happen in his career. He has always been depressed, but has "dealt" with it. I remember one time a while back before we were married when he went though something like this. It was after graduating from undergrad. He didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do. He ended up ~2 years later at a great grad school getting his MFA. I was thinking he would be freaking out after graduation again, we were married at that time, but he ended up getting in to a great art residency which he wasn't expecting. The residency ended in May. He has had 2 shows since then, but nothing planned since May. He is teaching very part time and has major anxiety about it. So, I see similarities here. Something ended in May and now real life should be taking place, but he doesn't want to be responsible. He doesn't want to teach even though it brings in money. He has toyed w/ the idea of continuing on w/ other residencies, but how does that fit in with being married???? I ended up seeing him on Sunday. It had been about a week since I last saw him. We had emailed a couple of times b/c my therapist was looking over our in network doctors. We got along very well and he said he feels "stuck". Just can't function on a day to day basis. There is definitely something btwn us, but it almost seems like we may just not be compatible? His friend asked him "Are you unhappy w/ yourself or are you unhappy w/ your marriage?" I feel he is unhappy w/ himself and definitely the way our marriage was headed. Anyway, we started talking about how he doesn't know how to be an individual as well as share a life w/ someone. He started talking about going to residency after residency (kind of postponing the "get a job" part of life!) and he knows that is difficult for me to do b/c of my job. So, at what point do you not do something you as an individual wants to do b/c you are married? I hope this makes sense? I understand what he is saying. He could chose to not go on w/ anymore residencies and work and be w/ me, etc. but is he losing a part of himself by not going to the residencies??? I sure hope I'm being clear. Of course I think to myself, you should have thought about this before you asked me to marry you!

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. Life sucks right now, huh !

 

M

[polywog]

Oh, sounds like he was at FAWC. Hard to recover from that luxury of time etc, if that's the case! Probably wants to go on to other residencies to stay in the cocoon (no criticism meant by that, it's a hard world out there being an artist in this world). I have known many artists, some with spouses, who embark on the residency "Gravy Train". The tough part of course is that there is no guarantee that he will get accepted into them which could make him further discouraged, and if he does, there are only so many residencies out there.... And yes, it's do-able for you guys if you agree (You=together, a mutual decision) to it, but it seems to me that it should be something that is decided upon when your couple-dom is in a better place, and he isn't doing it out of a desperate need to postpone reality (because of depression, etc.)

 

Another thought; teaching isn't for everybody. People who graduate from art grad programs esp. seem to feel pressured to teach. Personally, I have never wanted to teach, I find it terrifying, and it's not why I went to art school. I just needed the education to practice my vocation. Maybe he feels like that is the only option for him to make $$$, and he really does not want to do it, finds it scary, etc. Maybe if he just decided to Not Teach for an option right now, he could clear his head. Anyhow, why am I coming up with advice for Him?? This is Your Sadness right now! Sorry!

 

Anyway, I hope the poor guy gets help, for his sake and that you, girl, hang in there and take care of yourself. I really feel for ya, keep me posted here...

 

polywog

[umami]

Oh, sounds like he was at FAWC

Not sure what that is, but he did have a good residency he attended the past 2 years.

 

I know it is hard for him finding his way in the "real" world. The crazy thing is I have always encouraged him to pursue the residency thing. I even compilied a list of residencies he had mentioned or looked great and had websites and dates to apply. So, not sure where he gets the idea I wouldn't want that lifestyle. Well, I don't want it forever, but I've always loved moving around as long as I know at some point we will settle down.

 

He doesn't want to teach now. He is open to the idea in the future when he feels he "has more to offer". He is teaching now, b/c he only works 12 hours a week and gets a good salary for 12 hours. However, he was supposed to be in his studio working. He hasn't been in his studio since Sept. I know there are down times, but the reason we both agreed to the 12 hour week position was he would get studio time!

 

Anyhow, why am I coming up with advice for Him?? This is Your Sadness right now! Sorry!

:laugh:

 

I know he has been looking for a therapist and it seems he is going to work w/ someone at a local university. They have a good program. This person was recommended to him by another friend.

 

So, I got an email, very sweet/thoughful email from him last night and I haven't replied. I know I'm not supposed to, but damn I sure do want to!!! This is just all so confusing. We've never been a couple who plays games, so I feel like I'm doing the game playing by not calling when I really want to. Oh well. I have my therapy appt. tomorrow, so that is good.

 

I hope you are getting some good therapy by painting!!!

 

M

[umami]

I've been doing well, I think ???? Kind of. He emailed me on Monday night. I didn't reply b/c there were no questions in the email. A friend called him on the home phone and left a message yesterday. I was trying to figure out how to tell him, drop him an email, leave him a note since he has been coming by during the day.... I ended up just going to bed last night. Woke up this morning to another nice email from him. Telling me he called a therapist, but didn't get in touch w/ anyone. Went to his primary care doctor and got on a higher dose of anti-depressants. He said his doc told him it will be good for him to go back to work, which he starts in one week. He then said he has so much anxiety about going back to work for multiple reasons, didn't tell me what reasons but I know. Couple more chit-chatty things and then asked how I was doing. ahhhhh....I hate all of this.

 

Gunny, I saw this in another post of yours.

Quit sitting around "analysizing to the point of paralysis!

This is soooooooo him. He analysizes things like I have never seen anyone do and it makes him just do nothing. He can't function b/c of his thoughts. A friend of mine told me if he would work then he wouldn't have time to think . Anyway, just wanted to post my thoughts of the day. Always helps!

 

M

[stillafool]

 

 

 

Depresssion is rampant in the United States? Why? When you have people sleeping on the ground living in straw huts in Africa and elsewhere that are as happy as they can be? If you have a roof over your head, food to eat, and potable water ~ you're literally ahead of billions of people around the world.

 

If your depressed because the wife or husband left, you don't have a Lexus to drive, or live the lifestyle of the rich and famous ~ you're just being a horse's ass! Get a grip! Get a life!

 

Thank you Gunny!!!!!!!!!! Isn't this the truth, people need to make a list of their blessings everyday and maybe depression won't be so bad in this country.

 

As far as your husband is concerned.....it's not surprising that he needs constant "passion" in his life as he is an artist. I think the best thing for him is to "go to work". Also if you get on antidepressants; at what point do you get off of the meds and be happy on your own? 10 years on a pill to keep you happy doesn't seem very healthy to me.

[debilou]

umami, I think you're doing incredibly well considering your situation. I just read your thread. You are leaps and bounds ahead of the average LS poster.

 

That was meant to be a compliment. But the reality of it is that you are in real pain and I'm sorry for you.

 

Loveshack is a great support system. It helped and continues to help me still.

 

Are you in individual counseling? You seem to be well centered and strong. Although your spouse is having a crisis. Which means you're in crisis. Counseling might be good for you too.

 

We're here for you. I hope your H gets the help and support he needs. You are soooooo right, HE has to do this, no one can do it for him. He's lucky to have such a strong WOMAN!

 

Take care, Debilou

[umami]

umami, I think you're doing incredibly well considering your situation. I just read your thread. You are leaps and bounds ahead of the average LS poster.

 

That was meant to be a compliment. But the reality of it is that you are in real pain and I'm sorry for you.

 

Loveshack is a great support system. It helped and continues to help me still.

 

Are you in individual counseling? You seem to be well centered and strong. Although your spouse is having a crisis. Which means you're in crisis. Counseling might be good for you too.

 

We're here for you. I hope your H gets the help and support he needs. You are soooooo right, HE has to do this, no one can do it for him. He's lucky to have such a strong WOMAN!

 

Take care, Debilou

 

Ha, I think I have you fooled Debilou . I don't feel strong. Well, at times I do. I just want him to get help and I want him to tell me he wants to be with me. I'm just so confused by it all. He has been living in a fantasy world for a while and seems to realize it a bit. This OW was poisonous and has been to other men. It seems H realizes this. However, like I said before he is not saying he wants to work on himself with me. He just wants to work on himself alone. Well, actually, I don't think he knows what he wants. He is so afraid of hurting me again. He is afraid of trying to work on it and it not work.

 

Yes, I'm in individual counseling. I am seeing the therapist who saw us both when we did couples counseling. She has helped, but bascially I'm stuck right now. There is no decision being made to work on this or not work on it and I'm stuck. I don't want it to end and I haven't 100% told him this. I do know I could only work on our marriage if he got help. She said it is hard for me to be in this limbo situation and I will continue to be here until one of us makes a decision. We already know he is a huge procrastinator!!!

 

Thank you very much for your sweet reply.

 

M

[umami]

Hi all.

 

I talked to H yesterday. He sent an email after I replied to his. It didn't sound good. Saying how he was having a bad day and he is s*&t and how I don't need any of this. He had not gotten in touch w/ the therapist at the university nearby. Playing phone tag. I'm very concerned he has not talked to anyone since this all happened a month ago. He was completely out of his mind last month. He mentioned suicide and everyone had to ask him if he had a plan. It scared many of us. He is definitely better, but that is relative. I worry about him. grrrrrrrr.

 

He was telling me about his going back to work anxieties. Not wanting to teach, not wanting to be in that building where she works. The OW was an assistant and if he has to make copies or get water, etc he has to go in her area of work. He said he would always go get water when he needed a break from his class. He said he doesn't want to change what he does, he doesn't want to not go get water b/c of her, etc. He doesn't want to avoid people including her. He is worried what other people know...he doesn't know if she said anything to anyone. He knows people will ask about his break, his new year, about me and he can't avoid these questions. I told him he doesn't need to tell people details, but he could just simply say we are separated. Him going back to work and this OW being there is giving me anxieties now . They haven't talked and I'm wondering what will happen when they do see each other. It seems she lead him on and he has had a hard time accepting she was leading him on. I don't know. This is just so crazy, not my life.

 

There was a lot more to the conversation and he even mentioned us getting back together. Long story. Anyway, I hate that he has the ball in his court and he is unable to make decisions. AHHHHH.......Am I crazy?

[debilou]

This sounds so typical to me. But I have become completely synical over the past 2 years.

 

Have you been to http://www.marriagebuilders.com yet? It'll be great for you. Bottom line ~ you BOTH have to want to save and work on your marriage. It sounds a little like your H has it pretty good. I understand his emotional/mental situation is fragile but look where he's put you.

 

I almost hate to say this but the title of your thread couldn't be closer to the truth. This is just the beginning of a long road. The emotional rollercoaster.

 

I'm sure Ladyjane is reading your thread and waiting for the right time to sum it all up for you. You're in good hands here.

 

My STBXH (20 days and counting) changed my entire world. I've lost trust but I've gained self respect, peace, courage, confidence, independence and faith in my OWN ability to have a normal life. I was completely co dependent on a dysfunctional marriage. He did me a favor by wigging out 2 1/2 years ago.

 

The sick part is that just last night I dreamed about us getting back together. I still cry weekly over losing my family. We have 2 boys together so that definitely makes it difficult to really move on. I miss the man I thought he was. It was just a fantasy I had. He was never what I thought he could be.

 

Back to you. Self help books got me thru tough times. You sound like you have a real handle on life in general but let me know if you need some ideas about books. I'm here for you.

 

Debilou

[debilou]

One thingsI forgot to mention. He shouldn't be around the OW. If I remember correctly it's on the list of things to avoid to reconcile the marriage.

 

He can carry a small cooler with bottled water in it to work. He should not be around her at all. I think marriagebuilders has all the rules laid out for you. It's been a while since I've been there but you'll be able to navigate the site pretty easily.

[umami]

Have you been to www.marriagebuilders.com yet? It'll be great for you. Bottom line ~ you BOTH have to want to save and work on your marriage. It sounds a little like your H has it pretty good. I understand his emotional/mental situation is fragile but look where he's put you.

 

I think I looked at that website. I know we BOTH need to want this. ahhhhhhhhh.............I keep telling myself that, but damn it hurts. I also keep trying to remember what he has done and how he has left me. That usually gets me in the right frame of mind. H doesn't have it too good. He is living in this warehouse which happens to have a living space in it. His friend lives there, they don't have a roof over the bathroom, ha! It's been raining a lot and has been quite cold for this area. I love it. They have to burn a fire for warmth and he is sleeping on the couch. The space smells like dogs. He is planning to move in to his studio when it is done. He doesn't make much money, trying to learn how to pay bills, f**ked up in the head, not to many real friends, left a woman that loved him, cheated on his wife, starting to put his weight back on that he lost, can't make healthy meals b/c the place doesn't have a real kitchen, barely can get out of bed each day, etc. He is having one hell of a year.

 

I miss the man I thought he was. It was just a fantasy I had. He was never what I thought he could be.

 

I keep thinking of this. Is this what is happening to me? Is he really not who I thought he was, is our marriage not really what I thought it was, am I only holding on to what I want our marriage to be but maybe never can be or can it be????? Or is he just sick right now and that is who he is now? Is the man I fell in love with there, but just clouded by his depression???

 

About self help books, I have a book about divorce called Crazy Times and something about rebuilding after a divorce. Haven't jumped in to them yet, but I need to. I would love any other recommendations.

 

One thingsI forgot to mention. He shouldn't be around the OW. If I remember correctly it's on the list of things to avoid to reconcile the marriage.

 

He can carry a small cooler with bottled water in it to work. He should not be around her at all. I think marriagebuilders has all the rules laid out for you. It's been a while since I've been there but you'll be able to navigate the site pretty easily.

I agree w/ you. How the heck do I get him to understand this? He isn't being pushy about it and rarely do we talk about this. I think he does understand in a way. He is telling me he is not going to do anything to work on their friendship or anything like that. He doesn't want to act in a way that he would not usually act. Not sure if that makes sense. He says things like, "well, if we pass each other, I am not going to run the other way." "I don't want to avoid seeing the other people in the office b/c of her." "What am I supposed to do at meetings?" He is not a rude person and doesn't typically avoid people when he sees them and he feels like he would be rude or he would be avoiding people..doing something unnatural?

 

Feel free to slap me around a bit

 

Thank you again for your thoughts. It helps so much!!!!

 

M

[debilou]

Books that were good for me: The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck; Honor the Self (author ?); The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker. The gift of fear has a list of books in the back that may or may not be for you. My H is a head case that got really out of hand. He changed. He had never been physically abusive in our marriage but my counselor explained he didn't have to. I was easily controlled.

 

The gift of fear is about listening to your gut instinct. Great book. When my H would fill my head with babble I wanted so bad to believe him. But the book gave me a sense of trust in myself.

 

When I asked my counselor to recommend books his answer was "I tell people to go to the library and read whatever speaks to them." I had a great counselor. He really made a difference.

 

Keep posting. We'll keep reading.

 

Debilou

[umami]

The weekend was crazy. I had been wanting to talk to H badly, but didn't call or email. I had plans on Fri. night and Sat. night w/ friends. As I was getting ready to leave on Sat. he called. I didn't answer. I called him back later in the evening when I got home. He was driving around. He is just so out of sorts. He said he called earlier to see how I was doing. I could tell he was not doing well. We talked a bit and he ended up coming over . We talked a lot. We have had great communication these days. He is being very honest and open. He hadn't gotten an appt. w/ a therapist yet, but as of today he has called a handful of therapists and are waiting for calls back. Finally!

 

Anyway, we talked about the OW. I wanted to let him know where I stood about the situation. He is going back to teach this week and she will be around on one of the days he teaches. I had been having major anxiety about this, I know I know, I can't control anything...but I was still anxious . I told him if he had any intentions to work on us in the future or continue to talk w/ me that he would not be able to have contact w/ her. They couldn't get coffee to talk things over, to resolve things, couldn't be friends, couldn't be acquaintanices, nothing. I wasn't being rude, arguementative, just setting boundaries and let him know where I stood. He said he was glad I was so clear headed about all of this, b/c he can't think clearly. He understood what I was saying and agreed.

 

There were definitely feelings on both ends. We both agreed it felt good to be together, good to talk, etc. He made comments about us working on things, but also said he is just so "stuck", overwhelmed, not in control of his mind, etc. He agreed how important it was to get help. He doesn't want to make decisions right now b/c of his depression and state of mind. He doesn't want to commit to working on us just b/c it feels good at the moment. He knows there are things we both need to change if we were to work on us. He knows he would have to be responsible and said he is afraid he can't be responsible ....ummmm, hellooooo!!! If you are w/ me, you need to be responsible and if you aren't with me you need to be responsible. Being responsible is a f**king part of life!!!! When I heard that, I thought to myself, "M, why the heck are you attracted to a man who can't be responsible!!!" . Of course, when you are in these situations you tend to think of only the good things. I guess I'm allowing the depression to be an excuse. grrrr. I think at this point he is just so sick, but if he doesn't get out of this then there is no way I could go on w/ someone so unstable.

 

Anyway, I'm afraid I'm hurting myself here. Not protecting myself. For one, I am worried about his health and hate for anyone to go through what he is gonig through. I feel bad for him, b/c he doesn't have anyone to lean on right now. grrrr! Not my problem, I know, but it is hard to detach. I don't want to have false hope. I don't know what to make of these feelings we are both having for one another right now. It is intense on both sides. I don't want to be going backwards here, grrr.

 

Thanks for the vent!!!

[polywog]

Just read your rant, umami, and have to say that geeez, what you are dealing with sounds so hard! I will be hoping to hear from your other, wiser than me, posters, as I am curious how one deals with the worrying about the lover who one is concerned about... how do we cut off the worrying??? While trying out NC??? My sweetie (x-sweetie) has me feeling a bit that way, too. He is isolating, it seems... looks bummed out when I see him, it is hard to turn off feeling for those we love, ain't it?

[debilou]

What's new?

[umami]

Hi all.

 

Thanks for the reply poly. Debilou, thanks for asking how things are going.

 

Well, about the same. H has come to the house everynight. I don't know if this is right or wrong or if there is a right or wrong answer here? He has made silly excuses to come over and I laugh about them w/ him. I had thought we would not see each other this week and felt ok w/ it b/c I had a lot to do this week and a dear friend is coming to town tomorrow. Well, I was wrong, he was here all week. I don't know why I allow it, but it feels good. What to do???

 

We've talked about how this is confusing on both ends, talked about not knowing what to do about us, etc......

 

He had an appt. FINALLY w/ a therapist this morning. He called and said it was ok. Said it felt like a waste of time b/c all he did was talk for an hour. He knows he needs to give the therapist the background, but I guess he hates the idea of it being a long process. He said the therapist didn't say much b/c he talked the most, but the therapist did ask him to think about how questioning and analyzing every decision so much has worked or not worked for him in the past.

 

So, I'm trying to figure out if being around him is helping me/him or hurting me/him??????????????????

 

What a rollar coaster!

M

[umami]

Me again...just venting....

 

So, last week H did all the contacting and coming over. I had a friend in town this weekend, so didn't call him and he didn't call me. She left on Sunday and of course, I called him . This was the first time I made the contact first. We left things on good terms, but still many questions unanswered. I had a bit of a panic attack, not really but just didn't feel good, b/c he was going to see the OW most likely the next day. He was going to work and she most likely would be there. We talked, he said he was about to call me. He ended up not seeing her yesterday..but I know there will be a time where he does see her.

 

Anyway, we talked on Sunday. Had a nice time.

 

Monday, I felt good all day. Went home to cook which is my therapy. But I lost it. I just lost it. Crying more than I have ever cried throughout this entire process. Scared me a bit. I think I started feeling the rejection. I started thinking about how this past week made me think things were moving in a positive direction but here I am w/o him as well. Maybe my expectations were confusing me??????????????????? Just didn't feel good. I broke down and called him. He again was about to call. I tried to keep the tears in, but I really was in a bad place. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about all of my feelings and wants to know what is going on. Anyway, we talked, cried, talked, cried, etc.

 

He had his 2nd appt. today w/ his therapist. He called me and told me it went ok. He just wishes things were getting better w/in himself. He told the therapist how he feels he is losing control w/ every aspect of his life, family, friends, career, health.......It is just so damn hard to see him like this. He keeps saying VERY negative things about himself. He has been on the anti-depressants for about 5-6 weeks now and doesn't know if it is making a difference.

 

Anyway, just feeling kind of blah. very blah. very very blah! I want to feel better! I have my therapy appt. tomorrow, thank goodness!

 

M