btlzu2 Posted September 2, 2002 Share Posted September 2, 2002 Hi, I would appreciate kind assistance from someone as I'm going crazy. Here's the story. My ex-wife cheated on me and left/divorced me in December of 2000, no explanations. Harsh and I was side-swiped. I spent all of 2001 mourning, getting angry, going to counseling, etc. I found a lot of myself again by golfing, hanging out with friends, biking, going for my Master's degree. I dated once or twice and knew I wasn't ready in the summer/fall of 2001. In December of 2001 my boss set me up with his wife's friend. I had no major hopes and no intentions of falling in love. We dated and I was interested in her and we dated regularly and fell in love. In May I proposed to her (I know, that was too fast--keep reading if you're not asleep) and she said yes. We set a date of May 2003. She's a very exceptional, committed, funny, smart, loyal, loving woman and I love her dearly and am VERY comfortable with her. In the past 4 weeks, I've been suffering from major anxiety and almost depression at times and have been telling her about this and trying to figure out why--and am back at counseling. I feel like it has a connection with not fully getting over my divorce as far as completely re-building my confidence in myself as well as the infatuation phase of our relationship wearing away and getting into the more reality stuff. I KNOW I want to be with her the rest of my life, but sometimes this anxiety bothers me to no end. After a rough week this week (we got unengaged for two days) we discussed things and agreed to remain engaged, but not set a date until we both think we're ready--this had to be very trying for my fiance and I feel absolutely horrible about it, even though we are now on great terms again. I thought the anxiety would go away after that, but I had it today when I was out with my friends. I feel like all I do is think about her and then obsess over this anxiety. I almost think my mind makes me be anxious even though I have no reason to. It's like I can't control it sometimes. I hope I don't sound too insane. I'm not a total goof and I'm usually a pretty laid back happy and nice kinda guy. Also, I feel SECURE with her, she's very committed and I have no fears of her leaving or cheating on me. The only other thing I can think of is that I try TOO hard to please her sometimes (she tells me not to do it, but I do) and I feel like I lose myself in her sometimes. I need to assert my personality more, but I want to do it naturally and not awkwardly. Any advice from you folks? I hope this is reparable. I'll try very hard to make this work because I really love her so much and I wish I had found her instead of my ex-wife--my ex-wife was a big mistake from the start, but I was much younger and dumb (30 now). Sorry for being so long, hope someone reads this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted September 2, 2002 Share Posted September 2, 2002 It sounds to me like you are on the right track....maybe consider taking her to counseling with you. It could only help you more. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 3, 2002 Share Posted September 3, 2002 Yeah, I think you need to be in counseling by yourself, and in some kind of relational counseling with her. It's great that you've recognized that you're not over the divorce, but you need to identify the specific issues you have with it (labeling your ex as an awful mistake is too general and ultimately a cop-out). You can't use your fiancee as an escape from the issues you have -- and when you say that you just want to lose yourself in her it sounds to me like that's exactly what you're trying to do. For one thing, it won't work, you can't lose yourself in another person. And why would you want to do that anyway -- aren't you a great person yourself? Moreover, if you try to lose your problems in your relationship with her, all you'll accomplish is importing those issues into your relationship with her and allowing them to contaminate it. Love and relationships aren't solutions to pre-existing problems. It sounds like you know that on one level, but it also sounds like you're hoping that somehow, magically, love will save you from the problems you haven't had the wherewithal to address. Won't work. Whatever it is that you've been trying to avoid -- whether stemming from your failed marriage, or earlier events -- you can either deal with it, or let it drag you down and poison your relationships. Good luck. It sounds like you've got a great woman. I hope you can get this resolved so that you can move forward with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted September 3, 2002 Share Posted September 3, 2002 I'm speaking from experience....trying to drown your problems with a "good" relationship will get you no where. In fact, my relationship ended by breaking his heart bc I couldn't get myself straightened out. It's not fair to her or yourself. If you care about this woman at ALL, get help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btlzu2 Posted September 3, 2002 Author Share Posted September 3, 2002 Thanks for the advice (you as well Ally Boo), I appreciate it. I wanted to clarify that I *don't* want to lose myself in her. I want to be myself and be strong on my own terms. I had NO idea I still had problems lurking underneath because I had felt like myself again after the previous year of struggle. I do feel like my self-esteem has taken a nosedive though recently, especially because of my not handling these issues correctly--I wonder if the rushing is what scared me ultimately, like I was repeating the rushing without taking the time to let our love develop. I think the biggest mistake of my life so far will be to not correct what's wrong with me and then lose my fiancee. Also, I didn't mean to label my ex as a mistake, but the whole marriage was a mistake because it was not based on love, reality, and respect, but infatuation and immaturity. We both tried really hard to keep going and I was willing to keep going too, but she had enough. She exited the wrong way, by cheating, but she was ultimately right that we weren't right for each other. I really feel at peace with the divorce and with my ex, so I don't understand what's bothering me sometimes. I feel like we did grow our love at some points and did try our best. I remember a lot of our times together fondly. I just hope that it's possible to do what's best for both my fiancee and myself now. I don't want to make her miserable. I know I have a lot to offer her, but I'm stumbling right now... It's frustrating because I KNOW we're great together and have a great chemistry, but I feel like I'm emotionally crippling myself. Thank you for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted September 3, 2002 Share Posted September 3, 2002 I have never been married/divorced myself. I lived someone elses and I know the suffering very well. The suffering of any r/s gone bad even without the marriage/divorce title can cause damage you may have not even recognized yet. The majority of society who have been through divorce could identify with you very well. These emotions that your having is very normal. I would say the other percentage of society who have been divorced and had easily remarried would be very strong minded people. Most people would like to think they should give themselves time to heal from the aftermath before pursuing other relationships yet, you have fallen in love. That is wonderful! Still even being in love cannot fix all the pain from your previous r/s. I believe the norm for a full recovery would be about 15 years. Of course age and maturing would play the biggest role in recovery. After your divorce I imagine you have so many more fears about love and commitment that not only affects you but your fiance. I surely wish I could take out my frustrations on my boyfriends ex wife but that wont happen. What you should do is go back to your roots and redefine what love is from there. Remember how you viewed love and marriage as a child. Thats were you separate your fears from the truth. Seeking help from a counselor is great, even without being in presence of the counselor you can work on redefining marriage. During any of your free time like brushing your teeth or cleaning your toes in the shower think about whats in your heart. Thats were the answers are, thats were you let go of your anxiety's. You have a wonderful women who is recognizes what your going through. I'm attending a wedding this Oct that was planned without the grooms consent. The groom, being on my side of the family just recently went through a painful divorce and his girlfriend gave him the option to marry her now or let her go forever! I don't get along with her myself! My boyfriend mentioned to me just last Friday that If it wasn't for his ex wife he would show so much more loving and affection toward me. We love each other madly but I can tell the parts that she damaged in him. I can also tell were hes working on it. I plan on giving him all the time he needs to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author btlzu2 Posted September 4, 2002 Author Share Posted September 4, 2002 Originally posted by velvet <SNIP> You have a wonderful women who is recognizes what your going through. I'm attending a wedding this Oct that was planned without the grooms consent. The groom, being on my side of the family just recently went through a painful divorce and his girlfriend gave him the option to marry her now or let her go forever! I don't get along with her myself! My boyfriend mentioned to me just last Friday that If it wasn't for his ex wife he would show so much more loving and affection toward me. We love each other madly but I can tell the parts that she damaged in him. I can also tell were hes working on it. I plan on giving him all the time he needs to heal. Velvet, I wanted to thank you for this posting. It was the most encouraging and understanding thing I've read or heard in weeks, short of what my fiancee has told me. I even read in a book, trying to find the right paths to take, where it said to immediately end the relationship if you've been through a divorce and you're involved with another person. I think that is short-sighted and the easy way out. I would do anything to work through these issues and not lose my fiancee because of what an incredible woman she is and how much I love her. She told me last night that when we became temporarily unengaged (her choice because of the stress of our particular situation at the time) she thought she was making a big mistake in letting a great man go and that she would regret it. She said she would wait for me and just hopes that if nothing else, I'm "whole" again. I KNOW I can be with her the rest of my life, but something kicked in and told me I wasn't ready yet. I hope to be ready for her someday and I think I'll know when I am. In the meantime, I'm going to try and understand what parts of me are still broken and work on restoring that. Thank you SO much for your perspective. I'm really sick of talking about myself now, so I think I'll shut up and see if I can try to help anyone. I think your boyfriend is a lucky man as well to have someone as understanding as you. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted September 6, 2002 Share Posted September 6, 2002 are you just plain scared of getting side-swiped again? i know when something like you went through with the ex happens to me - i get a trigger reflex - like post traumatic stress. so now, you feel the commitment coming....the last time you felt it...flashback...you got nailed. this lady sounds great and she wouldn't do that to you. best of luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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