Her Ex

[JimJ]

I have a problem with my GF still hanging out with her ex and she knows it, but doesn't want to stop.

 

I dunno what to do... i honestly think i'm in love with her, but at the same time i cant get over this. It's just pisses me off and makes me feel really jealous and insecure everytime she's with him. It's like she's not mine 100% and won't ever be so long as he's in the picture. Kinda like the 2 of them will always be together in some respect cos what they had was and still is special and there's nothing i can do about it.

 

I think i feel like she's with me now and whatever they had is over so why is he still around when we should be getting on with what we have?

 

It's like i don't wanna say 'its me or him', but in all honesty should i really need to do that if she's with me and he's the past? ...I mean i shouldn't have to compete with him but that's how it feels to me sometimes.

 

She says they're just friends who happen to have gone out with eachother ...but as far as i'm concerned some1 like that can't ever be just a friend... some1 who u spent 8 years living with and loving and all the rest of it. I mean they were practically married. The fact that she seems willing to risk what we have to keep seeing him shows how important he is to her, even though she says she's devoted to me and everything.

 

The thing is she might stop seeing him because of me, but then she'd resent me for it, cos he's obviously important to her and she wants to keep some contact with him.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone been through a similar ordeal?

[magichands]

The fact that she seems willing to risk what we have to keep seeing him shows how important he is to her,

Rather than showing how important he is to her, I think this shows a lack of respect for you. Is he involved? Because it does seem as if she is keeping him on the "backburner."

 

Then again, if he couldn't win her over in 8 years, then he's never going to do it.

 

I especially love it when I'm contradictory.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with such crap and disrespect from you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

[magichands]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with such crap and disrespect from you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

Good point. Who wears the pants?

[MystifiedByMen]

It all depends. I have an ex that I'm friends with and we even talk like friends about our dates. We were together for 6 years, living together and everything. We give each other advice. It depends on how much time she spends with him and IF she includes you. If I had a new man and my ex was my FRIEND I would be proud of my new man and want him to meet my FRIEND.

 

But time alone with your girls ex all the time should be a red flag that maybe somethings lacking in your relationship. I would get to the bottom of it in a matter-of-fact type way. Not mean or jealous. Just tell her how you feel and if she wont compromise on the time they spend together (including you in their meetings) I would reconcider your relationship.

 

Hope this helps!

[JimJ]

Do you think i'm being selfish in the way i feel and that maybe i should be more understanding, or do u think she's not respecting me by continuing to do something she knows i don't like?

[Sal Paradise]

You're not being selfish at all. She is.

 

There is a decent chance that she is either cheating on you physically or emotionally or she is still in love with this guy and is trying to keep a part of him in some way.

 

You need to tell her its either him or you. If you don't I guarantee she will break your heart by either leaving you for him or you will eventually find out she is cheating on you with him.

 

Do it before its too late.

[JimJ]

I really don't believe she's cheating on me with him. It's because they broke up only a few months ago and he doesn't know about me yet.

 

She says she's just finding it hard to tell him because he still hasn't gotten over her and she'd like for them to remain friends. She doesn't have alot of close friends and this might explain why?

 

Believe me i hate that she still wants to see him. But We have compromised that she would see him less.

 

I can't help but think she's being abit selfish tho ya know. Like she grudgingly said she'd see him less and at no point has she really indicated that if it bother me this much she'd stop. She seemed quite willing to put what we have on the line over this and that bugs me.

 

I just don't know how to be... should i be understanding and cool and hope things just work out, or should i be assertive and honest about how i feel. As far as i can see the 2nd option is only going to result in us breaking up.

 

The thing is she really doens't see any of this as a problem and can't understand why i dislike it so much.

[Spoonandfork22]

I must say #1 this might be a long post and #2 Im kind of dissapointed that so many posts make this situation out to be such an end all be all to this guys relationship. Just because this girl is hanging out with the guy doesnt mean there is cheating going on and it doesnt mean there will be. I think thats not always the best conclusion to come to. There are many people who are friends with their ex's and that is IT. I am one of those people:)

 

 

Now as for my advice:bunny:

 

I just went through this situation with my current SO. and we are STILL together. he never cheated on me & we talked it out. I understand you are bothered by this because who wouldnt be. Its the whole "if you are with me then why do you feel the need to hang onto the past" but thats not always the case. I am friends with my ex bf because he really is a good person, just not my bf material. I have no feelings for him but I do enjoy talking to him from time to time and seeing what he is up to. We talk maybe once a day but its on instant messenger and pretty quick. There is nothing there for me and i would NEVER risk my current relationship with my bf to be with my ex again. Been there and done that and I know we broke up for a reason and that is why I have moved on anad found someone better for me.

 

That being said.....my bf and his ex were talking behind my back because he knew I was uncomfortable wtih it and dindt want me to think anything was going on (when really all that did was make him look incredibly shady). We had to have about three very large talks about her and our relationship and trust and the whole nine yards. i NEVER gave him an ultimatum because thats just not me and you have to remember that if you DO tell her "him or me" she could essentially just go behind your back like my SO did. Regardless what you say a person is going to do what they want to do. Its just life. Its not because she doesnt care about you and its not because she wants to hurt you, people just dont lke being told what to do, we all like to feel we are in control of our surroundings.

 

My bf and his ex, although they work together, no longer talk. This was his own choice. He knew my feelings and I told him to do with it what he will, although he had to remember that his actions can and will have an effect on our relationship. You NEED to talk to your gf. Do not accuse, do not get angry or point fingers. Let her know that by her blowing off this situation makes you feel like you might not mean that much to her. Ex's are always touchy but you need to let her know where you stand on this topic. I think the key thing here is communication. To both be able to sit down and talk about what is going on and how you can adjust and grow from the situation tells a lot about the relationship. Like I said, I do not believe in giving ultimatums and I think that you knowing that she and her ex hang out is good, because she is not hiding it. However, I think it is important you ask her about her feelings for him and just ask for the truth and why she feels it so important to hang out with him. Honesty is always the best policy, on both parts.

 

It is entirely possible for ex's to be friends and nothing ever happen. Like I said, I am one of those people. For my bf it was different, his ex would try and meddle in our relationship and would tell him she still liked him and wishes they could still be together. That is a little much for me to handle.

 

If this is bothering you, you need to talk it out. Hopefully she will realize your feelings and make a conscious effort to fix this situation. However, be prepared for her to say no. If she still wants to hang out with this guy you will HAVE TO TRUST or have to leave. Never do more than you can handle because in the end it will bite you in the ass.

 

Hope this helps! Ive been there so I know how you are feeling!!

 

Good Luck:cool:

[JimJ]

Thanks all for the advice.

 

I just got back from seeing her actually and we talked. I told her how it made me feel but i also said that i respect her views and feelings, but that i'd expect her to respect and take my feelings into consideration also. I said would never try to control her or place restrictions on her. I said that if there was ever anything that bothered me or made me unhappy that i would tell her but that it was up to her to decide how she wanted to handle things after hearing what i had to say. Like i'll give her my view and its up to her how to use that knowledge. She has said that she'd aim to see him less and also made a point to reassure me that they are JUST friends and thre's not longer any romantic feelings at all (atleast not on her part).

 

Both of us know the issue is still there and that it's still gonna bug me, but atleast we're trying to do something about it by meeting eachother half way. I guess that's the best we can do right now.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... She has said that she'd aim to see him less and also made a point to reassure me that they are JUST friends and thre's not longer any romantic feelings at all (atleast not on her part).

 

Both of us know the issue is still there and that it's still gonna bug me, but atleast we're trying to do something about it by meeting eachother half way. I guess that's the best we can do right now.

 

Half way? "Honey I'd like to screw my ex bf but how about if I just give him a BJ? I'm meeting you half way..." geesh.

 

Well if it was me.... The GF would have to choose. Either no contact with the other guy or no contact with me. One or the other. She can't have both. Half way isn't good enough. I want it all. 100% of her attention. And of course I give her 100% of mine. Otherwise no deal.

 

And "were just friends" is the oldest lie in the book for cheaters. And even if they are just friends, the guy is still hoping and waiting for her to slip up, after you've had a fight, he'll be right their to console her. And a few too many drinks and that's how "mistakes" happen.

 

And sometimes women want to know if you are going to fight for them. She might get pissed and choose not to be with you if you put your foot down. But she might also decide you are more serious about her if you insist she be with only you. Women don't really respect, or like, wimpy guys.

 

If your GF is wanting to be in a relationship with you, why is she having anything to do with her ex? Why does she need him at all? Aren't you enough for her?

 

Sorry but this kind of situation isn't going to end well for you.

[JimJ]

I hear what you're saying but if i want this relationship to work (which i do) then surely i have to respect her personal freedom and choice to do what she wants so long as it's not cheating... is this wrong?

 

The issue isn't resolved, she stills knows i hate it.

[JimJ]

She says that she still cares about him alot but only as a friend.

[ash519]

Here is where the problem lies: He still cares about her romantically, he doesnt know about you etc etc.

 

This Ex should be aware of you. Your gf and him have broken up and it is not fair to you to be a secret just to benefit him getting hurt.

 

They were together 8 years and broke up a few months ago...not much time for her to move on exactly and I am in no way saying you are a rebound...but it does say something that she still keeps in such close contact with him.

 

If i were her I would be honest with my ex and tell him that if i want my new relationship to work I can no longer be friends with him, at least not for a while.

 

Do you want your gf talking to a guy that you know still wants her and is trying to win her back and that doesnt even know about you?

 

I just know if this were me I would be upset about it...but i know, you want to stay with her etc but i feel this is disrespectful. It would be one thing if he knew of you and she made it clear they have no chance of being together but if she is trying to play it safe with his feelings i bet he doesnt know all this.

 

Dont say "Either you stop contact or we break up" say " You need to tell him about me and our relationship, otherwise you are keeping me secret and that is telling me you care more for him than me."

 

Maybe I worded some of this wrong...i just feel that you deserve better than that.

[serial muse]

Hiya Jim,

 

I'm dealing with a related situation right now - not quite the extreme of yours (eight years is a long time!) but I do understand your confusion, and your desire not to be a controlling BF and to be understanding.

 

The thing is, I think your GF is being a bit insensitive to your feelings, because she's so engrossed in struggling with her own. That doesn't mean that she wants him back - sounds to me like she's moving on - but I'm sure she does have some divided loyalty, lingering guilt, etc. etc. So the question is, how can she make you comfortable in this situation?

 

First of all, she needs to tell him about you. I think that's the big thing here - he's still hanging on, and she's letting him, because she's afraid to hurt him with the truth. But that's unfair to all three of you, and it's certainly not doing him any favors (let alone you). She's not treating him like a "friend" - and yet he's also not her BF. He's something else, and he's stuck in limbo. But if she cares about him, she should give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him how things really are now, and let him make up his own mind about how he wants to deal with it.

 

Of course, since he's not over her, he'll be hurt by this news. Perhaps he'll need some time alone to get over her and to adjust to the new reality. That's natural, and healthy. It's what should happen - she needs to give him space and time to get used to the fact that their relationship has fundamentally changed. She's not doing him any favors by shielding him from the truth.

 

The thing that I think is the key here is that, if she wants to be friends with him, she needs to remind herself of how a "friend" would behave. That means being willing to talk about her new relationship, and being willing to introduce you to her "friends".

 

I think it's entirely reasonable to say to her that you're not going to tell her not to be friends with anyone, but that, as a friend, he needs to know about you, and you'd like to meet him. You are part of her new reality, and it's time to share that truth with her ex. How is he ever going to move on, if she doesn't show him the new reality? I'm sure he's currently in denial, and as painful as the truth is, she needs to set him free now.

[vanessabg]

Good point. Who wears the pants?

Good point i agree too.

[JimJ]

She's seeing him tonight... i'm so pissed off. I've told her how i feel and that i want her to tell him, but she keeps putting it off because she doesn't feel the time is right yet.

 

She's basically afraid of hurting his feelings... nice she know she puts his before mine!

 

I'm seriously trying SO hard to be cool and understanding about it all, but i can't hide how i feel anymore, it's just getting to me too much.

 

I really don't know what to do... i mean i love this girl, but this situation is ****.

[Sevenmack]

Dump her. Dump her. Dump her. She shouldn't be hanging out with her ex. He should know that you exist. She's f--king around on you. Period.

 

Grow a spine and dump her. Then stop calling her and move on.

[ash519]

What are they going to go do tonight?

 

Sounds to me like she is putting him first. There is no good reason for her to hide you from him. She should tell him now! If not, maybe you should date someone who isnt going to keep you a secret.

 

AND! She is hanging out with him! It just sounds so ridiculous to me!!!!

[Sevenmack]

It doesn't matter what they're doing tonight, she's just whoring on him like there's not tomorrow. And actually Jim, I can't blame her. Not to beat up on you, but you are responsible only for your own heart; she should behave responsibly when it comes to you, but she only learns that by how you treat yourself. And you're treating yourself badly.

 

Once again: Dump her. Dump her. Dump her. Tell her: "It's over."

[serial muse]

I don't generally advocate ultimatums, but she's being an ass.

 

This is a case where I think an ultimatum is totally reasonable: let her know that unless she tells him about you tonight, you want out. Period.

[JimJ]

Firstly thank you all for the replies.

 

The reason she's finding it hard to tell him is beacause we actually met before she actually broke up with him.

 

We didn't do anything, but she was still with him whilst expressing interest in me. They broke up around October but she continued to live with him til December on account of not having anywhere else to go.

 

During that time all we did was to speak on the phone and meet up occasioanlly for short periods (all we did was talk, nothing seedy). One time a friend of her ex saw us together, he asked her about it (after they split) and she said i was just a friend from work (which techniqually was true as we met thru work, only i was abit more than a friend).

 

I think she's finding it hard to tell him because of this. She knows how strongly i feel for her and she says she feels the same, but that she also doesn't want to hurt him.

 

I mean i'm still angry and all that, but do you see now why i feel like i SHOULD be understanding and patient?

 

...or am i being a lovestruck fool?

[Salicious Crumb]

I have a problem with my GF still hanging out with her ex and she knows it, but doesn't want to stop.

 

This is an easy one. Dump her. It is unacceptable for her to "hang out" with her ex boyfriend. Being friends is one thing...hanging out with him is another. And if she doesn't respect your feelings enough to stop hanging out with him, then she isn't worth your time.

 

She is showing you that she values him more than you...so let him have her.

 

 

I dunno what to do... i honestly think i'm in love with her, but at the same time i cant get over this. It's just pisses me off and makes me feel really jealous and insecure everytime she's with him.

 

I'm not the jealous type either, but this behavior of hers is giving you cause for concern. Did you ever ask her why she has to hang out with her ex? What does she say if you ask her if she cares about how you feel about it?

 

It's like she's not mine 100% and won't ever be so long as he's in the picture. Kinda like the 2 of them will always be together in some respect cos what they had was and still is special and there's nothing i can do about it.

 

Sure you can do something about it...break up with her.

 

Or you can ask her, "who is more important to you, me or him?"

 

It's like i don't wanna say 'its me or him', but in all honesty should i really need to do that if she's with me and he's the past? ...I mean i shouldn't have to compete with him but that's how it feels to me sometimes.

 

No you shouldn't have to compete. How would she like it if you went to an ex-girlfriend's house for an evening or started hanging out with another girl? Maybe thats what you should do if you don't break it off with her.

 

The thing is she might stop seeing him because of me, but then she'd resent me for it, cos he's obviously important to her and she wants to keep some contact with him.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone been through a similar ordeal?

 

She is not worth your time in my opinion. I have dated girls like this in the past and them hanging out with other guys has been nothing but trouble.

 

I know you think you love her, but cut your losses and find someone who is willing to respect your feelings...cuz your gf clearly does not.

[Salicious Crumb]

I really don't believe she's cheating on me with him. It's because they broke up only a few months ago and he doesn't know about me yet.

 

She says she's just finding it hard to tell him because he still hasn't gotten over her and she'd like for them to remain friends.

 

Bullshiit and onions. That is still NO reason to hang out with him. Being casual friends that say hi and bye, maybe stopping and talking when they bump into each other is one thing....HANGING OUT is another. I bet good money she has already spread her legs for him while with you. Not saying this to be cold or hurt you, but you need to realize she doesn't care about your feelings.....she cares about his to piss you off, but doesn't care about yours enough to tell him its over? Oh no the hell she didn't!!!

 

This guy still wants her, you don't think he hasn't tried to get into her pants? And even if he did and she stopped him, then why the hell would she keep going over there knowing he wants to f#$k her?

 

I think you are so infatuated with this girl that you want to believe she isn't spreading her legs for him.

 

Good luck man, but really, I think you need to man up and leave her.

[serial muse]

Firstly thank you all for the replies.

 

The reason she's finding it hard to tell him is beacause we actually met before she actually broke up with him.

 

We didn't do anything, but she was still with him whilst expressing interest in me. They broke up around October but she continued to live with him til December on account of not having anywhere else to go.

 

During that time all we did was to speak on the phone and meet up occasioanlly for short periods (all we did was talk, nothing seedy). One time a friend of her ex saw us together, he asked her about it (after they split) and she said i was just a friend from work (which techniqually was true as we met thru work, only i was abit more than a friend).

 

I think she's finding it hard to tell him because of this. She knows how strongly i feel for her and she says she feels the same, but that she also doesn't want to hurt him.

 

I mean i'm still angry and all that, but do you see now why i feel like i SHOULD be understanding and patient?

 

...or am i being a lovestruck fool?

 

 

Yeah, okay, I do see that it's a bit more complicated - but it doesn't really change the bottom line, which is that two wrongs still don't make a right.

 

She needs to just come clean with him. It's too bad she wasn't honest with him earlier, and it's too bad that that's not going to make her look great in his eyes at this point, but that doesn't mean she should continue to cover her own ass at the expense of everyone else's feelings. Tell her to get it overwith already and believe me, you'll all be better off.

 

Sorry to be harsh.