Her Ex

[Sevenmack]

The fact that she even gives a damn about his opinion is a sign that this relationship isn't going to work out. Frankly, she's skanking it up right now, still f---ing around on you with him -- and enjoying it all -- but she's too chickenfeathers to actually own up to the reality.

 

Same applies to you: You know she's screwing you over like Atebesi did Chabetta on "Oz," yet you keep this going because you don't have the balls to simply call her on the carpet and send her to the Land of Whorish Exes as you should.

 

The fact that you began seeing her while she was dating her then-boyfriend should have forwarned you that she likes to play around. This isn't exactly the actions of a woman worth dating. So it shouldn't be a surprise that she's being irresponsible as far as your heart is concerned. But in the end, it is your heart and you should do a better job of caring for it.

 

Once again, it's time to dump her. And afterwards, you need to spend some time on figuring out why you end up with girls like her.

[norajane]

Try to explain to her that she might think she's being kind to her heartbroken ex by not telling him about you, but she's actually making it harder on him by hiding the truth.

 

She's making it harder for him to move on, because he can still hold out a hope that she might come back to him as long as she isn't with someone else.

 

She's making it harder on him because he will eventually hear the truth, and then will be hurt that she hid this information from him - effectively lying to him every time she saw him.

 

She's making it harder on him because she is denying him the opportunity to make an informed choice about his life and who he is friends with.

 

She's making it harder on him because the longer she deceives him, the harder it's going to be for him to trust another woman.

 

Explain to her that deception is never in anyone's best interests, so if her concern is his feelings, she needs to take a deep breath and do the hard thing even if it makes her look bad, even if it hurts him in the short run. He will be better off knowing where he stands with her in the long run.

 

Tell her, yeah, he's going to be pissed, but if she really truly values him as a person, and hopes to be sincere freinds with him in the future, she needs to lay it on the line with him. Perhaps after a period of time where he is angry and hurt and doesn't want to see her, he will eventually be able to forgive and forget and be her friend.

 

Tell her friends can't lie to each other and each other and expect their friendship to survive.

[CaliGuy]

She's seeing him tonight... i'm so pissed off. I've told her how i feel and that i want her to tell him, but she keeps putting it off because she doesn't feel the time is right yet.

 

She's basically afraid of hurting his feelings... nice she know she puts his before mine!

 

I'm seriously trying SO hard to be cool and understanding about it all, but i can't hide how i feel anymore, it's just getting to me too much.

 

I really don't know what to do... i mean i love this girl, but this situation is ****.

 

My advice to you is start pulling away from her. Not completely away, but make yourself much less available to her. IMHO when people are not detached from their exs in a situation like this it's because they aren't attached to you either.

 

She's in limbo.

 

You need to pull away from her and let her have a taste of what life would be like if you weren't around.

 

It will either pull her closer to you or push her over the edge. That's the the good and bad. Either way, it will help her get off the fence.

 

If you decide to do this, don't tell her. Just slow down accepting to her calls to maybe every 3-4 calls you answer. Don't answer every email. Just distance yourself a bit. If she really wants to be with you she'll start pulling away from him on her own when she realizes she isn't getting your time.

 

This is not my advice, it comes from Dr. David Dobson. He wrote the book "Love Must Be Tough" and I believe his advice would work very well in your situation.

[JimJ]

So i asked her why it's so important to her to continue seeing her ex (as a friend).

 

Basically it's because he has no one else. She told me that he has no one close to him apart from her. He's been through alot of things and when he's in a bad way she's the only person he can really turn to.

 

She said the only relationship she wants with him is friendship and that she still cares about him and wants him to be ok.

 

I believe her motives to be genuine about this and don't believe that there's anything else going on beyond what she told me.

 

I'm still uncomfortable with it though... is that wrong?

[stace79]

Okay I hate to break it to you but I have a female friend going through exactly this same situation...the object of her affections was not totally over his ex yet either, even though he told her he was. He was still talking to her on the phone a lot, but didn't see her because she lived about an hour or so away. Anyway he finally came clean and admitted he still had feelings for her, so now they are on a break with no contact until he figures out if he can let go of his ex or not. The best thing you can do in my opinion is tell her this really bothers you and that if she's over him it's time to move on and forward with someone new. If she isn't she needs to figure it out and in the meantime really you just have to stay away. If she comes back to you after a little time without you then you know she really wants you, and if she doesn't would you really want her?

 

I really don't believe she's cheating on me with him. It's because they broke up only a few months ago and he doesn't know about me yet.

 

She says she's just finding it hard to tell him because he still hasn't gotten over her and she'd like for them to remain friends. She doesn't have alot of close friends and this might explain why?

 

Believe me i hate that she still wants to see him. But We have compromised that she would see him less.

 

I can't help but think she's being abit selfish tho ya know. Like she grudgingly said she'd see him less and at no point has she really indicated that if it bother me this much she'd stop. She seemed quite willing to put what we have on the line over this and that bugs me.

 

I just don't know how to be... should i be understanding and cool and hope things just work out, or should i be assertive and honest about how i feel. As far as i can see the 2nd option is only going to result in us breaking up.

 

The thing is she really doens't see any of this as a problem and can't understand why i dislike it so much.

[stace79]

Yeah that is an old line...Seriously I have come to grips with the fact that if you meet someone and they are still talking to an ex don't even bother, because nine times out of ten there will be some drama or baggage there. What if you stayed serious and got married? Is she still going to be friends with her ex then? Just too fishy for me.

 

She says that she still cares about him alot but only as a friend.

[JimJ]

I think she feels alot of guilt over breaking up with him because it caused him alot of hurt. She said that i'm what's important to her but that she can't stop caring for someone. She just wants him to be ok.

 

By the way she still hasn't told him about me. She said she will do soon but she's just worried about how he'll take it. She said that she knows it needs to be done though.

[stace79]

Yeah that is what the guy told my friend. "I' mmoving on but I still don't want to hurt her feelings. She needs me because I was always there for her." It's bullcrap, man seriously! If she doesn't put you first now, she's not going to. Please save yourself the heartache now. My friend ignored her gut feeling for months and then right at Christmas time the guy told her he couldn't hide it anymore and wanted to see his ex to "see how he felt." Trust your gut.

 

I think she feels alot of guilt over breaking up with him because it caused him alot of hurt. She said that i'm what's important to her but that she can't stop caring for someone. She just wants him to be ok.

 

By the way she still hasn't told him about me. She said she will do soon but she's just worried about how he'll take it. She said that she knows it needs to be done though.

[JimJ]

Does it matter that she broke up with him and that things between them were bad before i came into the picture?

 

I remember once she told me that part of her wished she never met him because it would make things simpler. They were together for 8 years so i can believe that she's the closet person to him.

 

She also said that she sometimes worries about how he is, but that she doesn't call him cos she knows he'll ask her over to his and that would upset me... does this not show that she respects my feelings?

[stace79]

What you have to worry about is what you can handle. It sounds as if you are pretty distraught over this and that it is causing you a lot of emotional stress, which can be really harmful to you physically as well.

 

If you are uncomfortable, stressed out and unhappy, your best bet is to move on regardless of what she says. Don't make yourself sick worrying over this...either she will make you happy or she won't. If she continues to find reasons why she can't hurt HIM, why she can't stop seeing HIM, why she can't tell him about you, there is your answer. She is putting his feelings above yours, and this will not change, no matter how understanding and "cool" you are about it.

 

If on the other hand you can deal with it without being too emotionally distraught, go for it. It doesn't sound like you can be, and my friend couldn't either. She really got herself sick worrying about the whole situation, wanting to fight for her love, etc. It hasn't worked. Do what is best for you.

 

Does it matter that she broke up with him and that things between them were bad before i came into the picture?

 

I remember once she told me that part of her wished she never met him because it would make things simpler. They were together for 8 years so i can believe that she's the closet person to him.

 

She also said that she sometimes worries about how he is, but that she doesn't call him cos she knows he'll ask her over to his and that would upset me... does this not show that she respects my feelings?

[Javelin]

Wow, I would have thought you'd have this ordeal figured out by now, however I lay here this brisk, bright, and early Sunday morning to find out you have not. Many of the posters have pointed out a few key facts you should be taking into consideration with this open-ended picture.

 

1) She's seeing her most recent ex-boyfriend of *8* years; after being with you for only 5 months.

 

First and foremost, how can fer feelings progressive for you when she's still hung up over her ex-boyfriend? I mean the picture is etched in stone, clearly she does not feel the same way for you, as you do for her. That said, the only way your relationship is going to work is for her to apply 100% into the word, 'us.' Right now, she's not giving that 100% and it's an absolute need.

 

2) Feelings

 

From the way you describe her feelings, I can tell she still loves this guy and in my opinion, you cannot love 2 people at one given time. Therefor her love for you is not there as I stated before. She may like and care about you, but that's all you'll acquire after several months compared to several years.

 

 

My advice to you is, explain to her that if her actions continue, they will force the relationship into jeopardy. Here you will see where her alliance lies, with you or him. Now keep in mind that this can go one or two ways.

 

The first is she may side with you and if she does, I suggest (without pointing your finger too much) explain to her that her feelings, her ex, and her self conscience hinder the progression of the relationship and it would be wise for her to stop seeing her ex boyfriend if she wants to make use of the fact at hand.. trust!

 

The second is not as drawn out, basically she sides with him and there you'll know it wasn't meant to be. If she sides with him don't even put the relationship on hold, just break up with her and be on your merry way. There's no need waiting around for her when she's practically indecisive about the situation.

 

Well time for sleep, I wish you well!

 

P.S. - Keep us updated on the situation!

[upsetnhurt]

Jim,

 

You sound like quite a reasonable guy and I can tell you have feelings for your current gf. She too probably has feelings for you although I assure you they are nowhere near yours and where they could be if she did not have this ex in the picture. For whatever reason she still places some importance on him and his happiness (you will never know what those reasons are) and she is doing so all while knowing that it is affecting you and your current relationship with her. She is exhibiting all the characteristics of a woman who still has leftover baggage from a past relationship and is in a rebound situation with you. Think about it........ You yourself said it had been only a few months after they broke up before you got together. The fact that she still places any importance on his needs should show you that she currently is not capable of rationaile thought at the moment. Dont think for a second that she truly doesnt understand why you have such a problem with her being in contact with him. She certainly does yet unfortunately when it comes down to it she doesnt truley care enough about your feelings at the moment.

 

Since you really care for her you have been and are willing to fight through these tough times hoping that she will finally come to her senses. The unfortunate thing is that the results of your actions will only hurt any possible future success for both of you. The more you give and are willing to accept from her now, the more she will continue her actions and at the time lose respect for you as a person. She is currently looking out for her own interests and she is learning that you, in the end, are accepting of that. She will push and push and push you to the hilt trying to see just how far she can take you (what will it take Jim, her cheating with him to get you to realize you need to let her be alone for quite sometime? Guess what Jim, she is cheating on you already, emotionally that is). Don't be the rebound Jim as it will only result in your heartbreak. I've been there numerous times with the same girl (each time thinking she was over her past) and it is not fun.

[JimJ]

She's always been upfront about seeing him and from the very start said that she would maintain contact with him as friends. I did tell her back then however that it kinda bugged me, but i tried to deal with it.

 

There have been times when it's just been too much for me to handle. Over xmas for example she stayed at his for 3 days (She said she felt obliged and of course he didn't know about us and it was quite soon after they split and she moved out) That really got to me and she knew it would before hand. She's always saying that she hates making me feel this way and that she wishes she could just not see him at all but that things aren't that simple (the whole feeling guilty and wanting him to be ok thing).

 

I do feel like i've fought alot for this relationship and gone against alot of my gut instincts and reactions. Unfortunately i've not felt the same dedication on her part and that gets to me. Like if she had said from the start that she would stop seeing him if it bugged me then that would mean something, heck i might even be ok with her seeing him now if i knew that she was willing to stop for me. But that never happened. She says i'm more important and that she doesn't want to lose me, but her actoins speak louder than her words and her actions make me feel like her 'friendship' wth him is more important than her relationship with me.

 

BUT there is the conflict where i kinda understand and sympathise with the difficulty of the situation on her part and i want to be understanding about it all. I mean i can't fault her for being a caring person and wanting him to be ok... can i???

 

We've been very distant these past couple of days. She did tell me that being this distant from me has made her realise just how deeply she feels for me and how she really doesn't want to be without me. I also sent her a text message earlier saying that all i want to do is love her... she replied saying she felt the same. But this issue with her ex is still very much an issue. She knows that if she wants to do right by everyone then she has to tell him.

 

I'm quite an intense and sensitive person, especially when it comes to maters of the heart. My feelings for this girl are genuine and strong and i just don't wanna give up without a fight, saying that though this situation IS taking its toll on me, both mentally and physically.

[stace79]

Wish I could hook you up with my friend....you could give each other therapy because she says everything you just did. She wants to fight for him b/c she loves him, never met anyone like him, yada yada yada. And he says exactly the same to her....."He cares for her so much, might be falling in love with her, but he cares about his ex as a friend and can't abandon her as a friend" blah blah. It's bullcrap. Seriously. The person you fall i n love with should put you first, no matter what, EVERY TIME. If he/she doesn't, then put your effort into finding someone else who does. You are better offsingle than with someone who puts you first EXCEPT WHEN....whatever the reason is here.

 

She's always been upfront about seeing him and from the very start said that she would maintain contact with him as friends. I did tell her back then however that it kinda bugged me, but i tried to deal with it.

 

There have been times when it's just been too much for me to handle. Over xmas for example she stayed at his for 3 days (She said she felt obliged and of course he didn't know about us and it was quite soon after they split and she moved out) That really got to me and she knew it would before hand. She's always saying that she hates making me feel this way and that she wishes she could just not see him at all but that things aren't that simple (the whole feeling guilty and wanting him to be ok thing).

 

I do feel like i've fought alot for this relationship and gone against alot of my gut instincts and reactions. Unfortunately i've not felt the same dedication on her part and that gets to me. Like if she had said from the start that she would stop seeing him if it bugged me then that would mean something, heck i might even be ok with her seeing him now if i knew that she was willing to stop for me. But that never happened. She says i'm more important and that she doesn't want to lose me, but her actoins speak louder than her words and her actions make me feel like her 'friendship' wth him is more important than her relationship with me.

 

BUT there is the conflict where i kinda understand and sympathise with the difficulty of the situation on her part and i want to be understanding about it all. I mean i can't fault her for being a caring person and wanting him to be ok... can i???

 

We've been very distant these past couple of days. She did tell me that being this distant from me has made her realise just how deeply she feels for me and how she really doesn't want to be without me. I also sent her a text message earlier saying that all i want to do is love her... she replied saying she felt the same. But this issue with her ex is still very much an issue. She knows that if she wants to do right by everyone then she has to tell him.

 

I'm quite an intense and sensitive person, especially when it comes to maters of the heart. My feelings for this girl are genuine and strong and i just don't wanna give up without a fight, saying that though this situation IS taking its toll on me, both mentally and physically.

[upsetnhurt]

Jim,

 

WAKE UP! She does not care about his feelings nor does she really care for yours. The only person she is looking out for is herself and will play both of you until she is pushed into a position to make a decision. Do you really think that if she cared about the ex's happiness she would continue to be in his life? Cmon, stop giving her credit here! You have put her on a pedestal in your mind and she needs to be shoved off of it. She knows and everyone else other that you at the moment knows that for him to ever get healthier in his mindset, he needs time on his own to deal with his issues which mostly arise from her. She is keeping the cord alive with him so she can continue to keep him on the backburner while having fun with you and wondering if she should go back to him. That is the only reason she has not told him about you. Also if you think they are not being intimate with one another while together, you are fooling yourself...................I have to say that I don't think this will work out either way right now. Even if she tells you that she won't speak to him anymore, she will. Even if she tells him you exist, she will still keep that cord alive. Your only choice is to move on.......tell her to deal with her problems that she seems to have ........and have NC. She needs months and maybe years of reflection to ever be capable of loving someone else again. She needs to learn about life on her own and how much compromise and commitment it takes to be in a successful relationship. So sorry you had to get hurt here yet it could be lots worse. You will realize it when you yourself take some time on your own. I'm going through the same thing yet am in the NC process at the moment. I have realized over time that even with her problems I have so major issues myself that I never saw. By putting up with her crappy treatment and you doing the same for her, it is apparent that we both don't value who we are and are willing to settle for so little in life. You have treated her great as I did in my relationship and you should be proud of it and walk away. Your good deeds and heart are something to be cherished and she certainly is not the one.

[magichands]

Jim,

 

WAKE UP!

That was so cool.

[upsetnhurt]

"My feelings for this girl are genuine and strong and i just don't wanna give up without a fight, saying that though this situation IS taking its toll on me, both mentally and physically."

 

We all agree Jim that you feel strongly for this girl yet you just can't seem to realize that you are going about "fighting for it" the wrong way. You believe that you need to prove yourself to her.......show her how much you care and have love for her to convince her to give up her past. That isnt going to work here and do you really want to have to keep trying sell yourself to her? The only way she will every appreciate what you brought to the table is if you take it away. It will be too difficult for you to stay friendly and not put her first in your life so the only alternative is to be cordial and let her know that you care yet feel its best to remove yourself from the situation. Tell her that you want both of you to be happy in life and at the moment you can reasonably say that you both are not.

 

Once again let me say that her issues are not short term. It usually takes folks lots of time to rationalize a past relationship and the longer they are the longer the recovery period is. (there are exceptions yet from her actions to date she won't be one of them) Unfortunately, I doubt she ever be capable of being the one for you. Are you going to be satisfied knowing that you are second best?

[Salicious Crumb]

So i asked her why it's so important to her to continue seeing her ex (as a friend).

 

Basically it's because he has no one else. She told me that he has no one close to him apart from her. He's been through alot of things and when he's in a bad way she's the only person he can really turn to.

 

Thats not your problem. If she doesn't care enough of your feelings to drop him, then drop her.

 

This guy still wants a relationship with her beyond friends. And the fact that she is hanging out with him is unacceptable.

 

Whats more, you are being a nice guy about it...and we know what happens to nice guys. Your gf will take advantage of this, which is why you need to man up.

 

I think an ultimatum is in order. If you aren't comfortable with it, but she still won't break contact, then she doesn't really care about your feelings.

 

Right now she is showing that she cares more about his than yours, therefore, you should tell her to run to him and leave you alone.

 

I think the consensus here is pretty clear....dump her.

[Javelin]

Honestly, confront her. Everything will work out (good or bad) with some communication.