second chance -- things aren't the same

[prism23]

hi everyone,

 

my boyfriend and i were officially together for about 1 1/2 years("seeing" each other for a few months before that) before he broke up with me. his reasons ranged from wanting to "find himself" to "i just don't want a relationship right now, any relationship" to "i just need time to myself". we talked and hung out still while broken up, mostly at his request (he wanted to remain friends, i bit my tounge hoping he'd come around). after about 1 1/2 months of being apart, he told me he loved me and wanted to try and make things work.

 

we've been back together for roughly 4 months now. things are (for the most part) going really well - we see each other all the time, only fight on occassion (way less than before), and many of our problems from our past relationship have gone away.

 

however... sometimes there are still things that happen that lead me to believe i really *should* break up with him (ie, he could def. treat me better in some situations - but this is vice versa as well). tonight we had a huge fight (about something realitibly stupid) and it came out that he's not sure it's working either. he basically said that he doesn't feel the same wy he used to, and although he loves me and cares about me alot "something is missing". i knew "something was missing" when we broke up as we'd been having problems for awhile... however, we thought we might be able to work things back and get that "something" back.

 

i'll admit it isn't always there for me; but i really thought things were getting better. however, he says although things are better he doesn't feel things changing and doesn't see a future with me (our our relationship as it is now leading to where i want it to go).

 

after a long long talk we thought maybe we'd try to cool it down for a bit, see each other less, and be more laid back about our plans. he says he doesn't really think anything will work to fix the feeling he's missing, but he loves me and doesn't want to break up right now. he said we could try this and he'd let me know ASAP if anything changes.

 

the whole time, he was crying and saying he didn't want to lose me but he doesn't know what to do.

 

the worst part is, i could really emphatize with the situation because i love him and don't want to lose him either, but sometimes feel like it's just not working (about 25% of the time, the other 75% i think things are going great). he says hes about 50/50.

 

what can we do if he feels like there's no future for us if things continue the way they are with "something is missing" but he still loves me?

 

or maybe better put... what do you do when you know things aren't really working out the way you'd hoped, but you really really love someone and don't want to end things?

 

i am really at a loss of what to do... and so is he. any advice, thoughts, or similar stories would be appriciated.

 

thanks.

[notmakingsense]

Why put-off the inevitable? You both know deep down inside that things aren't right -- why put your life on hold just in case things change?

 

I believe that couples can break up and get back together again -- but only if they have changed and it becomes a new relationship.

 

I would break up with him, be alone for a while, then date other men. Grow a bit as a person and find out more about what you want -- and he will do the same. Then just see what happens.

[magda]

I don't know. I'm thinking it really depends on what exactly is missing. This elusive "something" being missing makes it pretty impossible to think of what should be done. If you have any recurring themes in your fights, that should be what you address, full on.

[D-Lish]

Sometimes we think something is "missing" because the honeymoon stage is over and we settle into a comfort/familiar place with our SO's.

 

I think it's important to figure out if you truly love this person, and are just settling into a comfort zone (which is normal), or whether you have fallen out of love with one another.

 

It's so hard to leave the familiar sometimes. We get stuck in a comfortable place and sometimes we settle as a result. Are you happy with this guy? If you think about where you'll be in 10 years, do you see him fitting into that picture? It helps to put things into a better perspective by envisioning the future and seeing if your partner fits into that vision.

 

Regardless, it's a tough choice. There are obviously lots of feelings still affecting the both of you. Doesn't sound as if it's resolved for either of you. Keep talking to one another.

 

I wish you the best.

D