What do I do now with this marriage?

[KCORAL]

I am 36 years old and I am on my 3rd marriage. My 1st and 2nd marriages lasted 7 years. I have been with my curent H for 8 years - married for the last 2 years. I am so miserable. On our honeymoon my H who is way too honest sometimes - told me that he hopes our marriage will work because God told him to marry me and he did not want to. We had been apart for 9 months and he calls me and woos me back into his arms. I am so stupid!

 

Long story short - he is always telling me how I have to stay in this marriage because it is God's will. He is brutal with the words. He does nothing good for my self esteem. My children suffer too - my H rules this house like he is Hitler and nothing is ever good enough.

 

I have met someone that I am finding myself attracted to - I find myself wanting to call him and see him - but I am terrified! I really believe that my H is having an affair and I know how much that hurts me - I don't want to have an affair - I know that it will hurt not only my H but also my children and our extended families.

 

I just told my husband today that I have met someone who listens to me and talk with me. It did not go well to say the very least.

 

I am unable to get out of the marriage because I am stuck financially - I have no access to any money. I have to always ask for everything. He keeps me on a tight string.

 

What do I do?

[Sup]

First off, your husband is being VERY abusive, secondly from the looks of it your husband is NOT following the word of God. It is written: Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church...... There is more written about husbands taking care of their wives, I suggest you read up on it. No, you don't have to take his abuse, but, DON'T cheat on your husband. Have you talked to a Lawyer? Ask a Lawyer about your rights, and explain to him what's going on, some Lawyers will have a free consoltation. Do this while he's at work or something. By the way, make sure your husband can't find this site, delete history, etc. Don't forget, there is help, there is hope. God DOESN'T want your husband to do this to you, remember that.

[Reckless]

Changing the dynamics of an 8-year marriage is nearly impossible but I wouldn't say give up without a fight.

 

Given your history it may be good to look at your choices and what you do (or allow to happen) in your marriages. I'm not saying stay in an unhappy or abusive situation or tolerate your partner having an affair but I am saying the first step to improvement or ending a marriage (and certainly starting any new relationship) is honesty.

 

Confront your husband about your fears and suspicions. Explain clearly what you need. Communicate and stick to your guns (ps starting a discussion with I've met someone nicer than you.. is not the best of openings). If we are dominated and controlled it is because we LET ourselves be dominated and controlled. End that pattern now in an effort to save your marriage and if it ends the marriage then so be it. Tell your husband what you need to be happy and see if he cares...

 

As long as we have life we have options - but you need to grow up and take on the responsibility of the state of your marriage and if you choose to leave - leave an adult and you will be better able to make good choices in the future.

[Mr. Lucky]

Given your history it may be good to look at your choices and what you do (or allow to happen) in your marriages.

Well said. You are thinking about ending your third marriage and contemplating a fourth - that's alot of history at age 36. You might want to think about why you choose the partners you end up marrying and why those marriages don't last. This joining and splitting of households must also be tough on your children

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pink_Tulip]

I just love these 'religious' types who pick and choose which part of the bible applies to them. You can tell him that although someone may have told him to marry you, it wasn't God. The bible clearly states that a divorced woman is not free to remarry unless her husband is dead, otherwise it is considered adultery both by her and her new partner. Lol, guess growing up in the church does teach you thing or two.

 

I agree with Mr. Lucky about the impact of all this on your children, that is very troubling. If this man is truly abusive you need to leave, but jumping into another potential disaster is cruel to them, IMO.

 

If finances are the issue, then you need to solve that problem. Start looking for a job. Open your own checking account without his name on it, and look into after school care for the kids. Start looking after yourself. He'll either realize he is going to lose you and open up to working on the problems, or not. Either way, you need to start regaining your independence. Your self esteem will follow.

 

Forget the other guy. You have needs at home that aren't being met, so you have latched on to someone who is filling that void. This will only complicate things, trust me. You need to fulfill those needs yourself, and stop looking for someone else to do it for you. If you and he work out in the future, fine, but focus on yourself and your children now.