I think I just broke up with my boyfriend

[magichands]

Out of all the evils in Pandora's Box, hope is the most pernicious and persistent.

Maybe you should become a mathematician... then hope is just a probability. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon (I suck at maths).

[norajane]

Maybe you should become a mathematician... then hope is just a probability. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon (I suck at maths).

 

I suck at math as well as relationships. I've been feeling like such a failure at everything lately, and now this, too.

[magichands]

I suck at math as well as relationships. I've been feeling like such a failure at everything lately, and now this, too.

Maybe not everything. The blowjob thread definitely had merit.

[norajane]

Maybe not everything. The blowjob thread definitely had merit.

 

Indeed. He'll be missing that about me, if nothing else.

[Ariadne]

Hey you,

 

And I really love this man. It seemed like we were both on the same page this time.

 

Nobody breaks up a two year relationship because the guy left without having coffee over something that happened years ago.

 

I'd say you are on a fight or misunderstanding of sorts. Don't worry about it too much. You'll talk to him again and if you love him you'll forgive and forget.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[norajane]

Hey you,

 

And I really love this man. It seemed like we were both on the same page this time.

 

Nobody breaks up a two year relationship because the guy left without having coffee over something that happened years ago.

 

I'd say you are on a fight or misunderstanding of sorts. Don't worry about it too much. You'll talk to him again and if you love him you'll forgive and forget.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

 

This is exactly the kind of thing he can't handle, though, the kind of thing that makes him walk away. He doesn't want the pressure. He wants the easy relationship where no one gets hurt because there's no emotional depth. Emotions are hard for him, especially the kind where he knows he did something wrong. He'd rather avoid it than face it and get past it.

[Ariadne]

Still,

 

Water under the bridge.

 

Don't worry about it, give it some time.

 

Good luck

 

Ariadne

[whichwayisup]

How can she forgive and forget when he's cheating on her?

 

We've been together for two years this time. Friends for 20 years.

Ouch. I feel for you, sorry for your pain. Cry, scream and punch the heck out of your pillows! Hoof one across the room!

 

He is the one who messed up, his own issues and insecurities, or immaturities. I know it hurts, and nothing we can say right now will take away your pain, but hopefully soon you won't feel as hurt and sad.

[princessa]

NJ, sorry that you're going through such a rough time.. It's not easy, but I know from the advice that you've given to myself and so many others on LS that you'll handle this like a champ, so hang in there. And lean on us in the mean time.

 

It seems that men like this don't understand that sweeping everything under the rug will always come back to bite you in the derriere. Both of you. You can make jokes all you want and avoid talking about the issues, but you can never get rid of the little tension. And that little tension just eats away at the foundation sneakily, bit by bit, from under that dirty rug. My ex had that same issue, and we broke up as well. I gave him the option to either face the issues and work on them, or that I'll be walking out. I guess he chose the easy way out. I feel for you, it does suck to see them avoid experiencing life with us, with all the emotions and necessary evils such as confrontation. It sucks to desperately try to convince them that it's all worth in the end. But all in all, it's their life, they gotta make their own choices, and it would be foolish to force anything upon them. So if he chooses this way of life, we also have to make the right choice for ourselves, which is to choose a partner who wants to experience life at the same level as us. Anyway that was my experience with that kind of man. Emotionally shut, his idea of a relationship was all fun and games, and these were my conclusions from it. I really have no idea if things like that can be fixed or not, but I hope it all works out for you in the end..

[norajane]

How can she forgive and forget when he's cheating on her?

 

I was the other woman, actually. While we were long distance, in the beginning he blended girlfriends. He was still seeing her after we started dating. I don't know for how long. He told me, but am I supposed to believe what he now tells me about it?

 

Ouch. I feel for you, sorry for your pain. Cry, scream and punch the heck out of your pillows! Hoof one across the room!

 

Thanks, sweets. I went out with some friends tonight and they helped cheer me up. My sister has been a great ear, too.

 

He is the one who messed up, his own issues and insecurities, or immaturities. I know it hurts, and nothing we can say right now will take away your pain, but hopefully soon you won't feel as hurt and sad.

 

He did mess up, and it's such a shame!

 

I will be feeling sad for a while. There's no way to rush past the sad parts.

[norajane]

NJ, sorry that you're going through such a rough time.. It's not easy, but I know from the advice that you've given to myself and so many others on LS that you'll handle this like a champ, so hang in there. And lean on us in the mean time.

 

It seems that men like this don't understand that sweeping everything under the rug will always come back to bite you in the derriere. Both of you. You can make jokes all you want and avoid talking about the issues, but you can never get rid of the little tension. And that little tension just eats away at the foundation sneakily, bit by bit, from under that dirty rug. My ex had that same issue, and we broke up as well. I gave him the option to either face the issues and work on them, or that I'll be walking out. I guess he chose the easy way out. I feel for you, it does suck to see them avoid experiencing life with us, with all the emotions and necessary evils such as confrontation. It sucks to desperately try to convince them that it's all worth in the end. But all in all, it's their life, they gotta make their own choices, and it would be foolish to force anything upon them. So if he chooses this way of life, we also have to make the right choice for ourselves, which is to choose a partner who wants to experience life at the same level as us. Anyway that was my experience with that kind of man. Emotionally shut, his idea of a relationship was all fun and games, and these were my conclusions from it. I really have no idea if things like that can be fixed or not, but I hope it all works out for you in the end..

 

Thanks, princessa...very insightful. Yes, that's very much what's going on. Things like that can only be fixed if both are willing to try.

[dropdeadlegs]

The alcohol was necessary. I needed the Dutch courage. Sometimes I'm a real marshmallow when it comes to standing up for myself.

I can certainly identify with that. Both the need for alcohol to confront something negative and being a marshmallow when standing up for myself in a relationship. I often worry far too much about another persons comfort.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Break ups are horrible, even when you do the actual breaking up.

 

I hope he come to his sense and fights for you too!

[D-Lish]

I know from your posts that you are a rational woman, a smart woman.

 

I also suspect that you wouldn't put up with BS.

That's a good quality.

 

Do you think this is temporary?

 

What do you want out of life? Do you want to get married someday and have kids? Do you look down the road and envision him in your future? Can he ultimately provide you with what you want out of life?

 

I know you'd be the first to say "move on" to someone else if they said they wanted something fulfilling out of a relationship and that fulfillment wasn't reciprocated.

 

I don't know why I know this, but I do... You're going to be okay no matter what happens.

 

Best wishes,

D

[norajane]

I can certainly identify with that. Both the need for alcohol to confront something negative and being a marshmallow when standing up for myself in a relationship. I often worry far too much about another persons comfort.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Break ups are horrible, even when you do the actual breaking up.

 

I hope he come to his sense and fights for you too!

 

Thanks, ddl. I'm usually good at standing up for other people, and I can do it in day-to-day things, but personal situations....yeah, I worry far too much about the other person's comfort. Why is that? When I'm the one that's been hurt, why do I feel like I need to make it easier on him and not come off as attacking - I don't want to hurt him back.

 

I know from your posts that you are a rational woman, a smart woman.

 

I try.

 

I also suspect that you wouldn't put up with BS.

That's a good quality.

 

Oh, but I do put up with BS! Fortunately, he's a good guy in general and there is rarely any BS. But I'm a peacemaker, not a fighter, so I do let things slide maybe more than I should.

Do you think this is temporary?

 

I don't know. We've been friends half our lives, and this is our third time dating. I promised myself when we started seeing each other this time I'd stick around and work things through with him come hell or high water, but it takes two.

 

What do you want out of life? Do you want to get married someday and have kids? Do you look down the road and envision him in your future? Can he ultimately provide you with what you want out of life?

 

All very good questions, ones I've been giving a lot of thought to lately. I do think I want marriage, though not kids. He doesn't want marriage, and I'm afraid of marriage. He'll always be in my life, if the past is any indication of the future. I can see him with me in the future as both a friend and lover. I don't know what he sees, what he's capable of. He can't resist me, but he also can't handle me. I think he can provide me with what I want...he was doing just fine at it, or so I believed. Conflicting thoughts run rampant.

 

I know you'd be the first to say "move on" to someone else if they said they wanted something fulfilling out of a relationship and that fulfillment wasn't reciprocated.

 

Absolutely. Life is too short to waste. The thing is, it is and has been fulfilling. I've been really happy with him. The level of intimacy blew me away - I'd never been able to be that close with a man before. He's so affectionate with me, and loving. So there's a lot there. But, there are also some issues. I wasn't feeling unfulfilled, but...

 

I don't know why I know this, but I do... You're going to be okay no matter what happens.

 

 

Best wishes,

D

 

Thanks, D.

[norajane]

He has the day off today...we had planned to spend it together. But I haven't heard a peep from him since he left Saturday. It hurts to know he's avoiding me. I figured if he were going to decide to man-up and work through this, I'd hear from him today. Guess I have my answer.

[princessa]

He probably has more decency than just to bail without even leaving a note. Wait it out, he'll probably want to talk to you at some point, even if it's not for reconciliation.. Or maybe he's waiting for you to call first?

[SuziwithaQ]

I feel stupid and foolish, and I wish he'd fight like hell to have me in his life. I can't fix this; he has to step up and try, but I just know that he'll hide in the safety of silence.

 

Norajane, I am mirroring these emotions right now too! Good luck sweetie, I feel for you.

[norajane]

He probably has more decency than just to bail without even leaving a note. Wait it out, he'll probably want to talk to you at some point, even if it's not for reconciliation.. Or maybe he's waiting for you to call first?

 

A note? No, I was awake when he left. Long goodbye hugs and kisses, and I waited at the door until he backed out of my drive and waved to me...same as always. It's just when he woke up, he wouldn't stay even long enough for me to make coffee or anything - he was in a hurry to go work on the brakes on his car...or to avoid talking to me.

 

I don't know if he's waiting for me to call. He might.

[norajane]

Norajane, I am mirroring these emotions right now too! Good luck sweetie, I feel for you.

 

Thank you! It helps to know I'm not alone, though, I feel for you as well. Good luck to you.

[princessa]

A note? No, I was awake when he left. Long goodbye hugs and kisses, and I waited at the door until he backed out of my drive and waved to me...same as always. It's just when he woke up, he wouldn't stay even long enough for me to make coffee or anything - he was in a hurry to go work on the brakes on his car...or to avoid talking to me.

 

I don't know if he's waiting for me to call. He might.

 

Well you don't seem sure to know if you definitely broke up or not, and he seems to be avoiding the issue. You want him to fight for you, but do you have a plan for what you're gonna do if he just keeps silent?

[Guest]

Hard to tell...too much wine last night. But he ran out of here this morning without even coffee, so I guess that's that.

 

Had to be done. I called him out on a lie I recently discovered. Something he hid from me back when we first started dating...another woman, of course.

 

"I'm sorry I hid things from you," he said.

 

Right.

 

I went through almost the SAME exact thing yesterday...My boyfriend said he needed some "space" he had just gotten out of a long relationship before we started dating, so I thought it would be for the best....but ya know, we still talked and stuff here and there. Well, i saw another girl's car a few times in front of his house and called him out on it yesterday and when he didnt admit OR deny anything, thats when I knew i had to let him go...Ive been a wreck today, but reading these forums has made me feel soooo much better.

[norajane]

Well you don't seem sure to know if you definitely broke up or not, and he seems to be avoiding the issue. You want him to fight for you, but do you have a plan for what you're gonna do if he just keeps silent?

 

No, I don't have a plan. I'm not really sure what I should do...? In the past when he's withdrawn, I've reached out to him eventually. But I feel like I shouldn't do that this time. Do you think I should get in touch with him or wait for him to come out of his Men are from Mars cave?

[SuziwithaQ]

No, I don't have a plan. I'm not really sure what I should do...? In the past when he's withdrawn, I've reached out to him eventually. But I feel like I shouldn't do that this time. Do you think I should get in touch with him or wait for him to come out of his Men are from Mars cave?

 

Wait as long as you can.....it's worked better for me.

[princessa]

To wait or not to wait?? I don't know, I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, and if you can be patient enough to give him 2 weeks to get his act together... I don't know how your guy is either, how long is he capable of ignoring you??

 

But what do you want from him exactly? In what way would you like him to gain your trust back?? Do you even want to try? And what does he want??

 

I think it's easier to gauge how/when to get in touch with him once you know what you want from him, and once you're somewhat able to predict his alternative reactions.. I don't really think it matters much in the end who contacts who.. if he's willing to fight then he will.. if not there's always the risk of getting sucked into the "hey let's just hang out and act like everything is rosy" trap. I don't know NJ I'm just trying to get you to brainstorm..

[princessa]

Wait as long as you can.....it's worked better for me.

 

I guess ideally, you could wait for him to reply as long as you can... and then at some point when you ralize he's never coming back you'll magically be over him just cause you've been waiting for so long...... but personally I'd never for the life of me be able to just put my life on hold waiting for something and not knowing when/how it's gonna happen. I like plans and deadlines.. That way I know where I stand and I can stick to my decisions. But that's just me.