I think I just broke up with my boyfriend

[Salicious Crumb]

Hard to tell...too much wine last night. But he ran out of here this morning without even coffee, so I guess that's that.

 

Had to be done. I called him out on a lie I recently discovered. Something he hid from me back when we first started dating...another woman, of course.

 

"I'm sorry I hid things from you," he said.

 

Right.

 

Was this other woman BEFORE he met you? If so, its not a lie, he just didn't feel the need to tell you.

When people get hung up on their partner's past flings, it isn't a good thing.

 

Now if he was with this woman while dating you, then yes, he lied even though he just hid it from you. It is cheating and you are better off without him.

[norajane]

To wait or not to wait?? I don't know, I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, and if you can be patient enough to give him 2 weeks to get his act together... I don't know how your guy is either, how long is he capable of ignoring you??

 

But what do you want from him exactly? In what way would you like him to gain your trust back?? Do you even want to try? And what does he want??

 

I think it's easier to gauge how/when to get in touch with him once you know what you want from him, and once you're somewhat able to predict his alternative reactions.. I don't really think it matters much in the end who contacts who.. if he's willing to fight then he will.. if not there's always the risk of getting sucked into the "hey let's just hang out and act like everything is rosy" trap. I don't know NJ I'm just trying to get you to brainstorm..

 

All very good questions.

 

The longer he needs to think about something, the longer he stays away. I use the time to think about things, too, so it doesn't really phase me. I can wait.

 

We do often end up in the 'rosy' trap...

 

I'm not even sure what I want him to do, or what he can about trust. I can't really seem to think - I first need to know that he wants to try. It's like, why bother thinking about what he could do, until I know he wants to do something.

[princessa]

It's like, why bother thinking about what he could do, until I know he wants to do something.

 

I think you need to because that way it will help you to avoid getting sucked in the rosy trap. You'll be able to clearly tell him what you want, and from his reaction you'll be able to determine whether he agrees with you or not, and how serious he is about working on things given your expectations.

 

Also if he's the avoidant type, do you seriously think that he will clearly state whether or not he actually wants to do something??

[norajane]

I think you need to because that way it will help you to avoid getting sucked in the rosy trap. You'll be able to clearly tell him what you want, and from his reaction you'll be able to determine whether he agrees with you or not, and how serious he is about working on things given your expectations.

 

Good advice. I'll have to give it some thought.

 

Also if he's the avoidant type, do you seriously think that he will clearly state whether or not he actually wants to do something??

Ugh - you are so right about that.

[princessa]

I can imagine how much that might suck

[orangehose]

Hmmm, yeah, sounds like the avoidant type!! "Pretend nothing's wrong and it'll all go away". Frustrating to deal with in the long run.

 

Sorry to hear about this - hang in there!! Wish I had advice as good as yours to offer.

[norajane]

Also if he's the avoidant type, do you seriously think that he will clearly state whether or not he actually wants to do something??

 

Hmmm, yeah, sounds like the avoidant type!! "Pretend nothing's wrong and it'll all go away". Frustrating to deal with in the long run.

 

Yup, you both had it nailed. Got an email from him today about the CD of pics and video clips he made for me and had brought over the other night...avoid, avoid, avoid.

[magichands]

Got an email from him today about the CD of pics and video clips he made for me and had brought over the other night...avoid, avoid, avoid.

Gosh. That's so 2006. Tell him to build you a steamy website of love.

[norajane]

Gosh. That's so 2006. Tell him to build you a steamy website of love.

 

You just want more free porn to google.

[magichands]

You just want more free porn to google.

I said love, not lust... you hornbag.

[norajane]

I said love, not lust... you hornbag.

 

I'm endearing that way.

[L-FUZZ]

haH!! those last comments were super cute,, sorry i just had to say that..

[norajane]

And today, more email about the CD/DVD...there's something wrong with the disc, so he's been giving me different tech options so I can try to see it.

 

Jeez, so much communication about a CD, and so little communication about anything else. No call, no suggestion we get together, just tech talk. WTF?

[magichands]

And today, more email about the CD/DVD...there's something wrong with the disc, so he's been giving me different tech options so I can try to see it.

 

Jeez, so much communication about a CD, and so little communication about anything else. No call, no suggestion we get together, just tech talk. WTF?

Sounds like your relationship is best viewed in Internet Explorer 7 ohhh!

[Touche]

Here's the way I see it: Why are you talking to him at all, if you're not going to bring this up? I'm not saying you should, mind you. I'm just saying that I'd not talk to him at all unless it's to clear things up. I wouldn't play along with the whole emotional avoidance thing as if nothing was amiss.

 

By doing that, you're telling him it's ok. By doing that, you're playing a game.

 

Be true to yourself..either bring it up or back off completely. In other words, shyt or get off the pot, to be blunt.

 

You're too smart and too mature to be playing these games with him.

[dropdeadlegs]

And today, more email about the CD/DVD...there's something wrong with the disc, so he's been giving me different tech options so I can try to see it.

 

Jeez, so much communication about a CD, and so little communication about anything else. No call, no suggestion we get together, just tech talk. WTF?

Well, what can you do? He just has problems with discussing confrontational issues and seems to be pretending nothing happened, but yet not acting "normal" either.

 

Do you sometimes wish he would scream and yell just to see something more than what feels like indifference? It must feel bad, I know I would feel bad.

 

It is obvious to me that he cares about you, norajane. I can see that it could be easy to just mosey along and end up back in rosy mode. There is so little communication at all right now, so nobody is saying things in a heated moment.

 

I'm not so good at advice, but sharing personal experiences and empathizing is what I do best. I was married to a man that when confronted about anything would just hang his head. No explanations, no excuses, no NOTHING. It was frustrating and the less he said, the louder and angrier I got. Well, you can see I had my issues in the relationship too...It was like nothing was ever resolved because he wouldn't communicate, and would actually commit the same offense with the same results. It was like dealing with a child, only he provided money instead of simply costing money. It was hard for an expressive person to live with and I got angrier and angrier every year. I shouldn't have let it go on for so long.

 

That's my little rant. Indifference can be pretty painful.

 

What are you feeling now? Better, worse? I don't think it's indifference and I don't think he feels that either, but it could be perceived.

 

I hope you are coping as best as you can and I am thinking about you:).

[norajane]

Here's the way I see it: Why are you talking to him at all, if you're not going to bring this up? I'm not saying you should, mind you. I'm just saying that I'd not talk to him at all unless it's to clear things up. I wouldn't play along with the whole emotional avoidance thing as if nothing was amiss.

 

By doing that, you're telling him it's ok. By doing that, you're playing a game.

 

Be true to yourself..either bring it up or back off completely. In other words, shyt or get off the pot, to be blunt.

 

You're too smart and too mature to be playing these games with him.

 

Is that how people do things? They don't talk at all unless to talk about the "issue" when there's an issue? I don't really know - my parents used to talk even though there was an issue they were having. Eventually they resolved the issue, but they didn't just ignore each other in the meantime. I've always done that with people...

 

No one is too smart or too mature to be confused...

[norajane]

Well, what can you do? He just has problems with discussing confrontational issues and seems to be pretending nothing happened, but yet not acting "normal" either.

 

Do you sometimes wish he would scream and yell just to see something more than what feels like indifference? It must feel bad, I know I would feel bad.

 

It is obvious to me that he cares about you, norajane. I can see that it could be easy to just mosey along and end up back in rosy mode. There is so little communication at all right now, so nobody is saying things in a heated moment.

 

I'm not so good at advice, but sharing personal experiences and empathizing is what I do best. I was married to a man that when confronted about anything would just hang his head. No explanations, no excuses, no NOTHING. It was frustrating and the less he said, the louder and angrier I got. Well, you can see I had my issues in the relationship too...It was like nothing was ever resolved because he wouldn't communicate, and would actually commit the same offense with the same results. It was like dealing with a child, only he provided money instead of simply costing money. It was hard for an expressive person to live with and I got angrier and angrier every year. I shouldn't have let it go on for so long.

 

That's my little rant. Indifference can be pretty painful.

 

What are you feeling now? Better, worse? I don't think it's indifference and I don't think he feels that either, but it could be perceived.

 

I hope you are coping as best as you can and I am thinking about you:).

 

Oh I'm not feeling anything like indifference! It varies. Sometimes I'm angry because this is so messed up, and other times I'm heartbroken and empty at the thought of giving up on this, and other times I just want to cry but can't.

 

He's not indifferent, but he's generally reserved with talking about his feelings. He's open with his affection, and touchy, kissy, huggy. But he stays very calm under pressure, and it's often hard to tell that he's shaken by anything. He doesn't scream or yell, he's very gentle with any criticism of me...though it would be hard for me to recall him criticizing. He's probably feeling a lot of things, too, right now, but you'd never be able to tell outwardly.

 

And he knows I'm not indifferent. I'm very expressive, and he heard all my emotions the other night, though he would have been able to guess them even if I hadn't been open. He knows me pretty well, and he knows how I feel about him.

 

Your experience with your ex sounds familiar - I dated someone quite like that. It was infuriating! Until, I became indifferent. And then I left.

[Touche]

Is that how people do things? They don't talk at all unless to talk about the "issue" when there's an issue? I don't really know - my parents used to talk even though there was an issue they were having. Eventually they resolved the issue, but they didn't just ignore each other in the meantime. I've always done that with people...

 

No one is too smart or too mature to be confused...

 

I didn't say you were too smart or too mature to be confused. What I did say was that you were too smart and too mature to play games. And yes, I'm sorry but it's a game. The whole time you two are talking, you are thinking about the bigger picture, aren't you? You're thinking it doesn't feel natural to be talking to him about petty things with this issue looming in the forefront of your thoughts. And you're not only buying into his avoidance issues but you're contributing to it, IMO.

 

That was interesting about how your parents handled things. Hey, if it worked for them who am I to tell you to try something different? But were either one of your parents ones to avoid issues...to avoid commitment? If not, then that dynamic is different from the one you and your b/f have going. And what works for them may not necessarily work for you.

[norajane]

I didn't say you were too smart or too mature to be confused. What I did say was that you were too smart and too mature to play games. And yes, I'm sorry but it's a game. The whole time you two are talking, you are thinking about the bigger picture, aren't you? You're thinking it doesn't feel natural to be talking to him about petty things with this issue looming in the forefront of your thoughts. And you're not only buying into his avoidance issues but you're contributing to it, IMO.

 

Yes, I contribute - I have issues, too. Is it really a game if we are still thinking about what's what? I'm sitting here thinking the emails are good because he'll usually disappear for longer without contact. So, it's progress that he's not totally hiding in his cave. I'm thinking he's not ready to talk, but at least he's communicating. I didn't bring up the issues because I want to break up, so if I ignore him, he's going to believe I don't want to talk with him. Shouldn't I leave the door open for communication?

 

It's frustrating that he's not ready to talk, though.

 

That was interesting about how your parents handled things. Hey, if it worked for them who am I to tell you to try something different? But were either one of your parents ones to avoid issues...to avoid commitment? If not, then that dynamic is different from the one you and your b/f have going. And what works for them may not necessarily work for you.

 

Sure, they avoided issues. They'd argue and then avoid them for a while and calm down, and then they might discuss it again, and then step back from it, and then bring it up again until it was eventually done, one way or another. It depended on the issue. Sometimes they'd deal with it at once. But not always.

 

People don't actually always resolve everything right away, do they? That's not the impression I have.

[the_alchemyst]

NJ, I think Touche is right with her advice on this one.

 

If the issue isn't addressed now, it might be addressed later, yes. But the problem there is that during the time you were cicumventing the issue, it probably dissipated until it turned into something that no longer needed to be really talked about.

 

It's all right, I suppose, to do that with the more minor things, but not with something that is so obviously bothering you.

 

It's not fair. It's not right.

[norajane]

NJ, I think Touche is right with her advice on this one.

 

If the issue isn't addressed now, it might be addressed later, yes. But the problem there is that during the time you were cicumventing the issue, it probably dissipated until it turned into something that no longer needed to be really talked about.

 

It's all right, I suppose, to do that with the more minor things, but not with something that is so obviously bothering you.

 

It's not fair. It's not right.

 

I've been giving that some thought, and I'll think about it some more. The way I see it is I put it out there, he needs to think about it, and we have to discuss it again. I don't intend to let this go, but I don't see why I would shut him out right now. I want to encourage him to talk, not continue the fight by giving him the silent treament.

[D-Lish]

You know, we truly are a product of our environment. If you watched your parents settle things in a certain way over years and years- it's only natural you too would gravitate toward that kind of problem solving. Which, but the way sounds like a healthy way to deal with conflict... My parents? I never saw them fight! Not once in my whole 37 years... not sure why, but I'm combative by nature... not sure where that came from!

 

Just as you think of conflict in a certain learned way- he does too. I don't know- men often learn to stifle emotions and avoid conflict.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open. The subject has to get brought up at some point... it's that annoying elephant in the corner that you both see but pretend isn't there...

 

Frustrating!

:-)

 

I have to resolve conflict asap. When my ex dumped me and walked away, not speaking to me for almost 4 months, I went banannas! When I saw him for dinner a couple weeks ago- the elephant joined us, but we didn't acknowledge it. Come to think of it, I think the elephant ate my french fries! lol. But, like you, I wasn't going to bring anything up, it's not up to me- and I don't think it's up to you to be the communicator in your situation.

 

I admire your patience!

D

[norajane]

You know, we truly are a product of our environment. If you watched your parents settle things in a certain way over years and years- it's only natural you too would gravitate toward that kind of problem solving. Which, but the way sounds like a healthy way to deal with conflict... My parents? I never saw them fight! Not once in my whole 37 years... not sure why, but I'm combative by nature... not sure where that came from!

 

Just as you think of conflict in a certain learned way- he does too. I don't know- men often learn to stifle emotions and avoid conflict.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open. The subject has to get brought up at some point... it's that annoying elephant in the corner that you both see but pretend isn't there...

 

Frustrating!

:-)

 

It is frustrating!!

 

I know his mother, and I met his dad once before he died, but I never really saw his family in action. I always got the impression his dad worked, mom ran the house, and things were generally good, though he feels he was overprotected and that has led to his independent ways. I don't know what he learned about conflict at home - probably to avoid it by keeping to himself!

 

I have to resolve conflict asap. When my ex dumped me and walked away, not speaking to me for almost 4 months, I went banannas! When I saw him for dinner a couple weeks ago- the elephant joined us, but we didn't acknowledge it. Come to think of it, I think the elephant ate my french fries! lol. But, like you, I wasn't going to bring anything up, it's not up to me- and I don't think it's up to you to be the communicator in your situation.

 

I admire your patience!

D

 

I don't know if it's patience. I have enough of a problem with what he did that I could have chosen to just break up with him and not even try to work through this. In the past, I probably would have, and thus our pattern would continue. But I figured it couldn't hurt to see if we could somehow resolve it instead - that we need to learn to deal with problems instead of just breaking up. Maybe we can deal with this problem, maybe we can't. Either way, I sat on it for 3 weeks before talking with him because I wanted to make sure I was up for the task of working it out. So, I feel I should give him time to think.

 

It's not like in the movies where everything gets resolved in 2 hours and the sun shines again.

 

It is like in the movies where the heroine's friends get to listen to her whine and moan for a while.

[dropdeadlegs]

I've been meaning to get back to this thread.

 

I didn't mean to imply that either of you are indifferent. It must have come out wrong. I meant that silence is often perceived by me as indifference, not that either of you are, or appear to be indifferent based on what you have posted.

 

I wish I were more able to remain calm under pressure. My sister has this saying that she throws around about "don't do (say) anything until you know what to do (say.)" Of course that's designed to keep from reacting in the moment. Maybe that's the way he thinks too. It's not a bad rule of thumb. I just hope it doesn't take too long, because it prolongs everything.

 

It is apparent that the speaking about tech stuff and not the events of last weekend are bothering you deeply, although I also admire your patience. I don't like loose ends, things have to very clear for me and I'm not sure how you manage to be patient. Something I need to work on.

 

I don't perceive this to be a game at all. I don't like it and don't think it is "fair" but personalities are not all the same and each situation requires "special handling." This is not someone you have been dating for a few months, he has been a part of your life for a long time.

 

This one sentence from your previous post has me confused "I didn't bring up the issues because I want to break up, so if I ignore him, he's going to believe I don't want to talk with him." If you want to break up, why not just do it? Or is that sentence missing the word "don't." Maybe I missed something along the way, but that had me curious.

 

All in all, you know better than anyone what to do and when to do it. I'm just one of those people who enjoys trying to comfort others. Again, my thoughts are with you and I hope this works out the way you want it to.