kanga Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I've been dating someone for awhile. I suspect he's still dating the person he tells me is his ex-gf. I've suspected this for awhile, but I've gone along with it because I kept hoping it would change. He doesn't know that I've seen his contacts list on his cell phone with her name still on it (He's told me she's no longer in his life). Long story short -- Do I tell her? We're not friends, but we know of each other, even though it's been two years since I've last seen her. I know that contacting her will be the end of my relationship with the guy and possibly our friendship. I know it's awful to say -- I don't want to end the relationship, but I know it's not healthy, I know it's not going to go anywhere, I know he can't be trusted, I know I need to move on. Part of me says to just break up with him and ignore her. But part of me says it's my job as a woman to tell another woman that he's a liar. But if she dumps him (which she may not, who knows) then he'll just charm his way to another woman and do the same thing. Sigh. I'm really sad that I didn't heed the red flags a long time ago. So, LS people, send her an email and tell her not? Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I would only consider telling her if you have hard evidence. Having someone in a contact list is not very solid evidence. If you see that he's been calling her a lot, etc, that's different. If I were you I'd try a little detective work. Does he introduce you to his family and friends, etc? Refer to you as his girlfriend? Has he told you that he's exclusively dating you? Link to post Share on other sites
Spoonandfork22 Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I would maybe talk to the girl not to tell her that this guy is dating you but to ask her if they are still doing things together or if SHE thinks they are stll dating. liek someone said above, having someone in a contacts list isnt really evidence. I have tons of people in my cell phone whom i never talk to anymore, so if my bf were to think anything bad of that, i would be in trouble. I think right now you need to ask her if thye are still talking and what thier boundaries are before you make accusations. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 I agree with the above posters on not going to the exgf with the intent of calling the bf a cheater. However, I think it's okay to contact the exgf to talk about her role in your bf's life. You aren't betraying him or the relationship, you're just striking up a conversation with a person he claims is no longer in his life. Depends on the type of girl this ex is.... but I think if you approached her in an open and friendly manner that at the least you could get a few answers as to what is going on. Plus, if she doens't know about you and your relationship with the bf, it would open her eyes without shoving it down her throat. If she's clueless about you, it'd be easier for her to deal with the new knowledge if she didn't feel you were attacking her as "his accomplice", but more like a discussion between one kind person to another. Even if he's not cheating on you, but just talking to her as an old friend.. I'd still be hesitant to stay with him. I really need a deep level of honesty and openness in order to feel safe loving someone. If my partner is hiding things, even if he thinks he's protecting me from hurt, it's still going to hurt my abilty to trust him and comprimise my ability to love him. My bf knows that I'd rather be hurt by the truth, then destroyed by a lie. I can handle the truth, but I've never been able to get over someone who I trust explicitly lying to me. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 You had better have a lot more than just the contact list... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kanga Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 He's also told me I am forbidden from ever talking to her. He won't introduce me to his friends outside of the friends we currently share. He told me he "doesn't want his worlds colliding." Also, in the very beginning of our relationship, while she was still someone I was in contact with, several of our friends told me he was still dating her. He would tell me they are not. I never thought to just ask her about their status at the time. I want to talk to her. I want to know. But I know doing so will lead to the end of the friendship with this guy, and I"m not prepared for that. (I know. I know. It's an issue. I should be proudly tossing him aside. Plus, I don't want to talk to her if it's only going to come across as vengeful or vindictive. I was thinking of sending a casual, Hi, how are you, etc. kind of email. I'm banking on her writing back to me and mentioning him in the email, totally oblivous of what he's doing wiht me. But then I risk that she doesn't even write back to me. Option two is to simply email straight to the point, "When did you break up with XXX?" Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Option two is to simply email straight to the point, "When did you break up with XXX?" You could try the subversive route. Send out a bulk email address to a bunch of fake accounts you set up, include her in it the list of contacts... Add pictures of you and your bf being "cute" together and go on to describe how very much in love you two are with each other. blah blah... She might not respond, but she'll get the message. Or she might respond and tell you how happy she is for the both of you and how she hadn't heard from you in a long while and want to catch up. Or you could try being simple, direct, and non-emotional about the whole thing. Something along the lines of how you saw her phone number in your bf's contact list, and you wanted to clarify a few things in your mind. Would she mind answering a few quesitons as a friend.. etc. etc. Then thank her for her time, and for being honest with you. I think I'd go with the second option... Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 are you sure that the two of you are really dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kanga Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 according to him, yes. sometimes i wonder if we are. i think it's best to just break up, tell him i'm done, and ignore the happenings in his life, whatever they may be. even if he's not dating the so-called ex (which i am 99.99 percent sure he is), i'm not happy. that alone should be enough. i feel like i'd want to know though. if i was wearing her shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 according to him, yes. sometimes i wonder if we are. i think it's best to just break up, tell him i'm done, and ignore the happenings in his life, whatever they may be. even if he's not dating the so-called ex (which i am 99.99 percent sure he is), i'm not happy. that alone should be enough. i feel like i'd want to know though. if i was wearing her shoes. I would want to know too... but it's never so simple. You tell her, she'll confront him, he'll say you're crazy/insane. He'll spread rumors in order to turn everyone against you so that they won't believe what you're saying. If you guys share the same friend network, then don't add fire to the exit. Just leave and hold your head up high knowing you did the smart thing. The truth will come out sooner or later. It always does. Link to post Share on other sites
Nanachu Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I agree with Walk. Moreover, she may not believe you because she does not want to. He may have told her something like "oh, she likes me and follows me around, I am not interested in her." Link to post Share on other sites
silentcharon Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Yep, you should probably just email her. Even if they weren't doing anything, and your bf finds out, ends the friendship/relationship... well... good riddiance. He's a prick. If I'm feeling all those feelings and my bf has done nothing to reassure me, as it sounds like he hasn't really done anything to reassure you, I would dump his ass anyway. Then I'd contact her. I'm willing to bet she does know. She probably just doesn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Limerent Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 do i tell her he's cheating on her? Yes. But dont be tricky. Email her and tell her point blank the truth and nothing but. You are in a relationship with him, but you suspect that he is still with her. Is it true? What do you have to lose? Include your telephone number incase she wants to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I would suggest you do nothing. But, get the heck out of that situation all together. Leave those two behind. Link to post Share on other sites
LaughMachine Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I've never understood why some woman feel it unnecessary to tell the other person. It's one thing if you weren't having a relationship with this person, and to go off to tell her would be pointless. But you had a relationship with this person and telling this girl, I think would be a good thing to do. So what if your medeling in someones life, your not doing it to cause harm...your doing it to help this person. Though it might cost you a friendship/relationship with this guy but what kind of relationship would you want if all he can be is sneaky? Psh I respect you alot if you actually make the decision to stand up.Being with all the lies in the world from stupid people I think we need more people to not feel afraid to say the TRUTH. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 For a moment there I thought of the other woman as the enemy. But, the more I think about it, the more I am thinking she is in the dark as well. I would tell her if I had some hard evidence. I wouldn't bother bringing the OW into the picture I was just guessing about it. Link to post Share on other sites
LaughMachine Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 For a moment there I thought of the other woman as the enemy. But, the more I think about it, the more I am thinking she is in the dark as well. I would tell her if I had some hard evidence. I wouldn't bother bringing the OW into the picture I was just guessing about it. Thats good that you feel empathy for the OW other than stupid jealous malicious thoughts. Woulden't it be great if both OW were matture enough to dump the man and build a great friendship? Boy, talk about girl POWER:) Link to post Share on other sites
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