Tried to stay single but Falling fast

[Confused]

I probably should start with my dating history.

I’ve always been in a relationship (long ones) since I’m a teenager. I’m in my early 30’s now. Since I ended my last one (over a year ago), I have been really happy being single. Because of my relationship history, I have been very reluctant to get involved with anyone seriously. Anytime I dated and it got serious, I’d end it. He wasn’t right for whatever reason.

 

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months. When I first met him about 4 months ago, I wasn’t the least bit interested in him. He pursued me relentlessly. I thought he was very nice but I just had no interest in dating him. After 2 months of his pursuit and spending a lot of time with him, I started seeing him romantically. However, we have the same circle of friends and I asked that he didn’t tell anyone we were seeing each other. He agreed as I knew he would because of how much I knew he wanted to be with me.

I guess I wanted it secret because I wasn’t ready to give up being single. Plus there was someone else in our crowd that I used to date and still had an interest in.

Anyway, things have developed and I began to have strong feelings. I hated it. I fought it with constantly reminding him that I have other interests. He always seemed indifferent about that. Maybe that’s what made me want him more, I don’t know.

He is not very affectionate either. I don’t know if he changed or if because of my feelings for him now, the lack of affection is bothering me now. It just seemed like when he wanted me and I didn’t want him, he was all over me all the time.

I spoke with him about this. He said he’s always been the one his whole life showing all the feelings and always got hurt, and he’s scared to do that now so he keeps himself in check.

Does that mean his feelings are in check or he just isn’t showing them.

Now, I feel like I’m looking for an excuse to get out again. I told him that I feel deprived of affection and that I cannot stay with him much longer. He says, (with no emotion) “please stay with me, I don’t want to break up”.

He tells me he loves me but very seldom. It’s weird because I felt he was in love with me before we even got romantically involved. He admitted as much.

I have told him twice (only recently) that I love him so I guess I’m keeping it in check too.

What is going on? Any analyzers out there care to take a shot? Any guys ever behave as he does in this situation? Should I back off or reassure him of my feelings?

I guess I thought it was safe to love him.

Now I remember why I fought to stay single.

[Confused]

The first 2 months, we spent quite a bit of time together (his pursuit).

The last 2 months we spend practically every free moment together. If he's not staying at my house, I'm staying at his.

Also, everyone we know still don't know for sure that we are seeing each other. Yes, they suspect and they continuously tell me it may not be a good idea for me to spend so much time with him because he's in love with me. They think I'm not romantically interested in him and that I'll hurt him.

That may be bothering him too. I don't know.

[Ally Boo]

Sounds to me like he's just giving you space so you won't leave. And now that you are GETTING space, you want to leave. Talk to him and tell him how your feelings are changing. Stop stringing him along and decide if you want to be with him or not....You sound like me....afraid of Risks. I came across this great poem and I want to share it with you.

 

Risk

 

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

 

 

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

 

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

 

To place our ideas, our dreams, before a crowd is to risk their

loss.

 

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

 

To live is to risk dying.

 

To hope is to risk despair.

 

To try is to risk failure.

 

Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to

risk nothing.

[Confused]

I would say exactly how I feel but I'm not sure if his backing off is because he's sensing how I feel and is one of those wants what he can't have guys

or if he's protecting himself.

I think if I went forward and was completely honest about my feelings and he backed off, it would be more hurtful then someone else because I was so sure of how he felt about me.

I guess I don't feel safe anymore.

I'm thinking I should just end it and hope he goes back to the way he was initially. At least the ball was in my court then.

[Ally Boo]

The worst thing you can do is make an assumption. Guys don't read between the lines....they aren't smart like us in that way. Talk to him straight up, and that way you'll know one way or another. Think about it this way.....what's going to hurt worse? The truth, or you thinking one way, and him secretly feeling another?

[butterflyz]

from what i can see, you are scared to be burned.

 

he enjoyed pursuing you - even though you gave him a hard time - i guess he likes that sort of thing. but now the light bulb in his head has gone off and realizes that you two are not on the same page. now that he has backed off you are wondering why. i understand the need to take it slow, but it doesn't sound like he's hurt you to make you want to hold back.

 

he can't keep proving to you that he wants you. let him know how you feel. he's probably taking a step back to see if you care (games) instead of coming out and asking you.

 

if it were me, i'd just throw it out there and clear the air. why not? what do you have to lose?

 

i've been upfront about feelings even when i knew nothing would come of it. it's very emotionally cleansing. risks are relative to the person making the decision.

 

two people will never see the same situation in the same way. what makes one person never want to see someone again may be taken an entirely different way by another.

 

the key to a successful relationship is to love the other person the way THEY want to be loved, not how you do. for instance, i used to leave him "love you" notes around the house. and then i would get miffed when he didn't do the same for me. he made alot of sense when he said, "you are giving this to me, because this is how YOU would like to be loved. I don't care whether you do this for me or not, i know you love me."

 

so....i keep that in mind now. in the future, i will love a person the way they want to and need to be loved and not force what i want onto them. that's being controlling and not taking someone elses needs into consideration. that's being grandiose and "all-knowing" when none of us really knows how our loved one defines love and caring until we ask them. the more we force our definitions onto them, the greater the risk of losing them.