I am furious!!

[marree1]

Quote Modify

My fiance, who lives in another country, accepted to have his quasi-stepson ( the offspring of his ex common law) live with him until September. Ostensibly it was to help him out, clean him up ( the 23 yr old boy smells like a homeless person and has had hygiene issues since he was 13) and take care of him until he finished his high school.

 

I have sold my condo, left a good job after 7 years and am living with a friend out of a bedroom. I divested myself from most of my material goods in preparation for our JULY wedding.

 

I live in the Norhern Hemisphere and he lives in Australia.

 

- I completed the Visa application that would take 4 months to be granted a spousal status. It is now January.

 

- I fail to see why he took in this man whose own mother and father have abandoned him. His ex cheated on him and took much of his money. Even though she is remarried, after the house was sold she stayed with my fiance before moving to another state to be with her new partner.

 

- I feel I wasn't consulted

 

_ I am angry that this fetid-smelling:mad: boy will be overlapping the time that I am supposed to be there. We get married in July and he is there until September? A whole 9 months?? I don't think so.

 

- I gave him an ultimatum for the first time - him or me.

I am angry, distraught and humiliated. My fiance treats others, friends etc than his own family!

 

- My fiance has no idea why I am so mad and hurt.

 

 

I am ready, after 3 years, to call it quits. We had a deal and suddenly this kid usurps my place and makes an upheaval after 24 hours?

[sb129]

He isn't a kid, he is 23. Legally an adult!!!

And he should be one in every other way too! He can work, pay taxes, or claim unemployment and housing benefits if he doesn't have a job.

 

Why isn't he taking responsibility for his life??

 

Finishing high school at 23?? WTF? Most australian university graduates are 23 or younger.

 

What gives?

[marree1]

Well, I don't know. This young man lived in a boarding house with some druggies and he evidently crossed someone. So my fiance, as I said, in the space of a day took him in. His claim is that there is not bid or motive to get together with this ex. My significant other says that the kid was in a bad place and asked him for help. Now I am being vilified for not understanding him why he should take him under his wing for such a long time?

The last email I received from him was that I was putting pressure on him for doing a good deed. I don't have a problem with humankind helping others, but this goes beyond the pale.

Fiance cannot comprehend (and he is not a slouch in the intelligence dept) why he chose this man before me and why the young man cannot contact his own biological parents for help, or the fiance to contact them for that matter.

It's not amusing. I have counselled many ppl on their marital problems. Fiance feels if I wish to end this relationship because of this kid then so be it, that I am not understanding. Heh. this kid has had psych probs when fiance was living with his both of them. Fiance doesn't know he will regret this - and not just because he is on the verge of losing me.

I have done everything to commence making a life with him and have voluntarily given up a good job and a lovely home and am living out of boxes at the moment. I have a specialized profession that will take months to find something at that equivalent level; some positions that I apply for I am told I am over qualified.

Fiance feels guilt that I have changed my life for him. Boohoo.

If the roles were reversed, I wonder how he would feel??

He is reading too little into this problem. I would contact his brother and sister in law for some guidance but I only have their address and not their telephone # as they are unlisted.

Yeah, trying to solve this 12,000 miles apart is a dilemma indeed. I might try to send them a telegram and see what they can do to intervene. They are good ppl and have always been a help to me when I have been there.

 

Any other takers on this??

[sb129]

Can I just ask- how come you and fiance are so far apart?

Have you lived together before?

Or has it been a LDR?

Are you wise to drop everything and go to australia for this man if you can't see eye to eye on a matter like this?

[marree1]

No. we have never lived together. Due to the commitments I had (work, home etc) we have been travelling back and forth now for many years, both staying months at a time in each country - as long as the tourist visa permitted. We'd usually stay 2 months give or take. in each country. We met through a professional association and shared a common friend.

 

I guess I am the idiot here. I gave up my life here, little by little, on a promise and all the necessary immigration paperwork involved. It seemes like the right thing. I am in mid mid thirties, well travelled and pragmatic.

 

How do I pick up the pieces here? As said, to re-establish myself will take months and frankly, I feel like a fool. He is a good and kind man, but obviously a little screwed up.

 

I had dreams of a new life together. With all modesty, I could have gotten married and stayed here years ago.

 

I chose him. He went after me, pursued me relentlessly... you know how it is. LOL.

 

I pray every night for guidance.

 

Tks for taking the time to respond.

 

I am, much to my dismay, anxious and in tears. Embarrassed and frightened now. It's not as if I was 20 again and could brush this off.

[Zaira]

Your fiance may feel some obligation to help this young man out. To be honest, I think you should be a little more understanding.

 

I don't think it's going to ruin your plans.

 

He's obviously trying to help him stand on his own two feet so he can go off and live life independently. Yes, so his biological parents SHOULD be doing it, but their obviously not capable.

 

I think you need to see the situation for yourself before making any rash judgements....... OR decisions.

[marree1]

My fiance left his marriage for the mother of this young man.

 

Again, this is not as easy as it sounds. I was not consulted and this man has been an addict who has stolen from the fiance!

 

How many times do you hire the same plumber who is incapable of doing his/her trade? I will not detail more as this is an anonymous public forum, but don;'t forget, we are countries apart and having this young man around while I am to live there is unacceptable. I am not being selfish or petulant.Give a man a fish... or teach him how to but not when we are attempting a new life together. There is much distance between us, geographically-speaking and we were right down to the wire. If this has happened to anyone that was in the last furlong of a process to start a new life in a distant country, then those people would understand - no offense intended.

 

There is much more to this than I can say on a forum.

[marree1]

He isn't a kid, he is 23. Legally an adult!!!

And he should be one in every other way too! He can work, pay taxes, or claim unemployment and housing benefits if he doesn't have a job.

 

Why isn't he taking responsibility for his life??

 

Finishing high school at 23?? WTF? Most australian university graduates are 23 or younger.

 

What gives?

 

You hit the nail on the head! There are programs offered to help young adults. I used to work with an adjunct service with the police to know this is more than a distant possibility.

 

Young man should stay with him, until March when he commences his studies and then fiance could assist him in finding other accomodation - and NOT living in the conjugal household. All arrangemenys have been set for a July wedding; there is no reason why he must stay there for almost a year. Fiance has no obligation, save for a moral one.

[Zaira]

Young man should stay with him, until March when he commences his studies and then fiance could assist him in finding other accomodation - and NOT living in the conjugal household. All arrangemenys have been set for a July wedding; there is no reason why he must stay there for almost a year. Fiance has no obligation, save for a moral one.

This I totally agree with. Your fiance needs to be strong and send him out on his own. I'm sure a couple of months assistance should be well and truly enough.

 

Don't get too frantic. Just try and talk it through with your fiance.

[dropdeadlegs]

I must say that your fiance's willingness to remain in the life of an ex's (adult) kid is commendable. Children are part of the "package" and I find his willingness not to abandon the "child" an honorable characteristic in and of itself.

 

However, with a July wedding pending, I think you should have been consulted about any long term living arrangement that would eventually involve YOUR living arrangement. It is sometimes difficult to adjust in the first months of living with someone, and you will also be relocating to another country which will have it's own unique challenges.

 

I'm unclear why it will take until September for this former lover's boy to get on his own. Is there any possibility that this time frame could be shortened? Ultimatums rarely achieve the desired effect, but I acknowledge that there are times when it truly is necessary to put one's foot down for something that is important to you.

 

If it makes any difference, I would be furious too. There has to an alternate arrangement that can be made. Helping someone is indeed a wonderful thing to do in the right circumstances, but you should have some say so in this particular matter.

[Okeydokey]

I must say that your fiance's willingness to remain in the life of an ex's (adult) kid is commendable. Children are part of the "package" and I find his willingness not to abandon the "child" an honorable characteristic in and of itself.

 

However, with a July wedding pending, I think you should have been consulted about any long term living arrangement that would eventually involve YOUR living arrangement. It is sometimes difficult to adjust in the first months of living with someone, and you will also be relocating to another country which will have it's own unique challenges.

 

I'm unclear why it will take until September for this former lover's boy to get on his own. Is there any possibility that this time frame could be shortened? Ultimatums rarely achieve the desired effect, but I acknowledge that there are times when it truly is necessary to put one's foot down for something that is important to you.

 

If it makes any difference, I would be furious too. There has to an alternate arrangement that can be made. Helping someone is indeed a wonderful thing to do in the right circumstances, but you should have some say so in this particular matter.

 

I agree 100 percent. Dropdeadlegs is right on here.

 

It is very unfortunate that you were not consulted. Did your fiance tell you about the move in before it happened? If yes, then I think it is a bit of a different story.

 

Your F probably considers this young man as his own child. If I were you I probably would not have been so quick to jump to an ultimatum - "it is either me or your child!" That is not really fair. I would sit down and think - do I love my fiance enough to tolerate his family members that I do not care for? Because really you are not just marrying him - you are also committing to his family - and he clearly sees this guy as a part of his family - and all families have messed up people in them...

 

True, it is annoying and true the adult/kid sounds messed up. But the fact of the matter is a spouse (theoretically) is forever. While it is irritating that this guy is probably going to be around while you are a newlywed - you will be in it for the long hawl - the kid will eventually move out...

 

It sounds like your F is a very committed and loyal man - and that when he commits he commits completely. He also sounds very charitable and caring. I think I would take a couple of days/weeks to cool off and reconsider the ultimatum...

 

P.S. since you feel it is important is should mention i've moved to another country and stayed there for 3 yrs to be with someone - so I know whatsup. it is very hard. but it sounds to me like you got a good one here. it is a bit of an initial shock - but he does sound like a very good person - do you really want to lose him bc he did a good thing for someone who needs his help (regardless of whether his stepson his able or not to help himself)?

[marree1]

Did your fiance tell you about the move in before it happened? If yes, then I think it is a bit of a different story.

No, I thought I made that clear in my initial post.

 

Your F probably considers this young man as his own child.

 

It is not his stepson. He was in the relationship for a few years and he is not his father/stepfather/guardian, nor does he wish to approximate any of those roles. "I have no legal or moral responsibility or liability for him. He is a free agent. An adult. "<< His quote, taken from an email.

[Okeydokey]

No need to get defensive... I wasnt clear whether he had simply not consulted you on your opinion about it or not even told you that it was going to happen before it happened. There is a difference.

 

Your SO obviously feels some attachment or commitment to this young man (even if he does not have biological or legal relationship to him - he clearly has an emotional relationship with him) - so I think you have to decide whether you are willing to accept your F and the people he cares about and if you are not then you should re-evaluate whether to go forward.

 

But it sounds like you don't want my advice...

[dropdeadlegs]

Your F probably considers this young man as his own child. If I were you I probably would not have been so quick to jump to an ultimatum - "it is either me or your child!" That is not really fair. I would sit down and think - do I love my fiance enough to tolerate his family members that I do not care for? Because really you are not just marrying him - you are also committing to his family - and he clearly sees this guy as a part of his family - and all families have messed up people in them...

 

True, it is annoying and true the adult/kid sounds messed up. But the fact of the matter is a spouse (theoretically) is forever. While it is irritating that this guy is probably going to be around while you are a newlywed - you will be in it for the long hawl - the kid will eventually move out...

 

It sounds like your F is a very committed and loyal man - and that when he commits he commits completely. He also sounds very charitable and caring. I think I would take a couple of days/weeks to cool off and reconsider the ultimatum...

 

Some very good points here. I'm lucky that I truly like my BF's family. I'm not all that crazy about his ex-wife (just find her irritating, but by all accounts she just loves me!) and have learned to accept that since they have a daughter together, she will probably always be around in some capacity. My last husband's family I never cared for much. He has since died and again, they will always be a part of my life due to me having had children with that man. I suppose the only way to truly sever ties with a former spouse and/or their family is if children are not in the picture at all.

 

It does appear that this man/child may be a part of your life for a very long time based on your F's relationship with him. That may be hard to accept and with good reason, but that sounds like it will be the case. Your anger about not being consulted is understandable, especially with the additional circumstances involving the complete uprooting of your life. I'm afraid you may have to make a big decision about whether you can accept this man/child as a permanent part of your future life with your F.

 

On the upside, loyalty and commitment are admirable and based on what I read on these boards hard to find qualities. Give yourself some time to sort things out for yourself. It's a lot to digest at a time filled with stress for you in so many ways.

 

Best of luck at determining the right course of action for you.

[marree1]

No need to get defensive... I wasnt clear whether he had simply not consulted you on your opinion about it or not even told you that it was going to happen before it happened. There is a difference.

 

Your SO obviously feels some attachment or commitment to this young man (even if he does not have biological or legal relationship to him - he clearly has an emotional relationship with him) - so I think you have to decide whether you are willing to accept your F and the people he cares about and if you are not then you should re-evaluate whether to go forward.

 

But it sounds like you don't want my advice...

 

I certainly am not defensive. Do not feel I am upbraiding you in public because the relationship was clearly stated as it is.

As stated in various posts, he is not related to that young man. That kid has stolen money from him, software and a radio out from his car when he was visiting me. F has stated that the "kid" would never live with him.

 

I am sorry your relationship didn't work out. I, however, wish this one to but if there is no consultation (apart from the inconvenience), it is akin to a spouse taking the financial nestegg without conferring with the partner; there a glaring lack of respect. It could be the harbinger of future events. It will become murky as to who is the pushover here.

 

I am just gobsmacked that this decision was made in a day and I received an "oh, by the way" type email from F.

[marree1]

 

I'm unclear why it will take until September for this former lover's boy to get on his own. Is there any possibility that this time frame could be shortened? Ultimatums rarely achieve the desired effect, but I acknowledge that there are times when it truly is necessary to put one's foot down for something that is important to you.

 

If it makes any difference, I would be furious too. There has to an alternate arrangement that can be made. Helping someone is indeed a wonderful thing to do in the right circumstances, but you should have some say so in this particular matter.

 

Thank you for echoing these thoughts that have been clanging in my head.

 

Naturally, he is a good and commited man to me yet I would say the very same answers, more or less, to a friend or client that posed the same question.

 

i'll give it 'till the end of the week then suggest that the kid/man stay with him until he commences school.

[dropdeadlegs]

It is not his stepson. He was in the relationship for a few years and he is not his father/stepfather/guardian, nor does he wish to approximate any of those roles. "I have no legal or moral responsibility or liability for him. He is a free agent. An adult. "<< His quote, taken from an email.

 

I totally understand that they are not now nor ever were related. My BF was married to a woman who had two sons from two previous marriages and they are now divorced. I see that this is a bit different, as his daughter has two step-brothers by blood and law. But, when he and his wife divorced he could have cut all ties with those children but didn't. The step-son that had actually lived with them is still a very big part of his life and he considers him family. Since more and more people choose not to get married yet have exclusive relationships, I guess the word "family" may have a different meaning to different folks.

 

If your F has stated that he has no responsibility of any kind to this young man, what do you suppose is his reasoning for doing what he has done? I would have a hard time being sympathetic to someone who has stolen from me and abused my trust, yet I assume that your F must have some reason for his actions if it's not that he feels an obligation of some kind. Why would he assume that living with a thief would be okay with you?

 

I suppose if you had the answers to this you wouldn't be posting here about this situation. Even with good qualities, I would still be furious in this case. And I would also be concerned that this lack of respect for your feelings might be a harbinger of things to come.

 

I do hope that there can be a resolution for you.

[dropdeadlegs]

Oops. I was typing when your post came up. I'm not a very good typist, so I'm slow.

[mental_traveller]

I would be furious too. I think it was a mistake (but rectifiable) to make an ultimatum from a distance. IMO what you have to do is fly over there immediately and, without sounding too assholish, let him know in no uncertain terms how you feel about it. Ultimatums should be delivered in person and only after you let someone know how pissed off you are (so they have a chance to realise you are really serious first).

 

If he can't see the problem even when you are face to face and explaining everything, then I'd say you have to give up on this guy. He is literally on the other side of the world, and to drop this bomb on you is totally out of order. Personally I'd probably ditch someone for that and not even try to patch it up, but from what you say it's probably best to go over and try to salvage the situation in person.

 

One last warning - this is a *very* bad sign for his future behaviour. If he has done this one before you are married, you have to make it absolutely clear that *any* repeat of this ever again will lead to you packing your bags.

[LostHeart]

I find it extremely odd he's moved in someone that is a deliquent knowing that you will be coming shortly after. Him not discussing it with you previous to the young man moving in is even stranger. It seems as if you have no say in the union and maybe you need to discuss that further with him. Do you truly want to be wed to a man that does not let you have say in important decisions like this?

Moving someone in that has been known to steal and do drugs and has no signs of, well, change is very irresponsible. Now, if the young man had shown his willingness to change then I can see him moving in with the older man after a discussion or two with you about it.

I agree that this is a bad sign for his future behavior. Will he make all decisions without your consent? People who tend to steal and do drugs also tend to hurt other people--I'm assuming the man is old enough to realize this and frankly he could be putting YOU in danger then.

What if YOUR valuables were stolen from the young man? What if the young man pulled a knife on you for some drug money? I don't know. It's all too odd.

Before cutting this man out of the marriage decision I'd talk with him many, many times. Make it clear that you are extremely disappointed. Make it clear that this is not at all what you want and it is actually not acceptable for you to be there in that situation. Let him know you feel betrayed and belittled. Maybe he was simply trying to do good--be the good man in all aspects--and failed to realize his mistakes. Maybe he even thought it'd impress you for him to be kind enough to help a young man out? You need to push this though...push the talks about it.

[Blue Phoenix]

I have been reading a bit of this bord here and I had a few things go tho my head. 1st off let me say that im a usa born citicen liveing in nz. Just from what I have experanced in this end of the world. It apears to me that the women isent always seen as the mans equil fully in the relashionship. Def no weres near like they are back in the states. Its more expected for the man to make most of the desions and the wife to go along with it. Now im not putting any one down please dont get me wrong. Its just my personal observation haveing spent some time here. So this may be why he just did it with out telling you and expected you to say ok...

[marree1]

Thank you for all your replies. As of today, it has been 6 days without any correspondance between us.

 

There have been some very valid points posted in this thread.

 

Yes, ostensibly I should go down there but I just returned a scant few weeks ago and the 3 flights to take plus the cost can be daunting; to discuss this in person is not feasible.

 

I am just trying to get through each day now. I am afraid that I am about to call it off but I perhaps still need more time to cool off - in a positive way.

 

I sent a telegram 3 days ago to his brother and wife; they either haven't received it, haven't responded yet or just wish to remain out of this fiasco (can't blame them for that), although the latter would be a surprise as we got along very well. Who knows what has transpired in the interim with respect to communication between them all?

 

For a man of 57 years of age, (I am much younger) he can be a stubborn coot!

 

Yet, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and I am led to believe this is a hard lesson to be learned by the both of us.

[dropdeadlegs]

As much as his actions have hurt you, at least you didn't go through with the move and marriage to see this same scenario play out.

 

As for your home and employment, I assume that you will still have vast opportunities for a wonderful future. But damn it sucks to start over when you already had what you will now need.

 

My thoughts are with you. I still hope this situation can be worked out, but the geographical distance doesn't make it any easier, does it?

[marree1]

As much as his actions have hurt you, at least you didn't go through with the move and marriage to see this same scenario play out.

 

As for your home and employment, I assume that you will still have vast opportunities for a wonderful future. But damn it sucks to start over when you already had what you will now need.

 

My thoughts are with you. I still hope this situation can be worked out, but the geographical distance doesn't make it any easier, does it?

 

No, it certainly doesn't. It is an upward battle in every sector of my life right now. A good job in my field doesn't happen overnight.

 

Yet, hope springs eternal. What else does the human race have?

 

Sometimes I feel I should just jot him a line and reassure him - and then I dig my heels in. But it is a 2-way street and I cannot be the one to bend backward. A compromise, yes. To give in 100%, no.

 

And to think this is so unlike me not to find a compromise or middle ground. Yet I am paying heed to my inner voice, in spite of the stress, the early morning wakenings and the nightmares that ensue from all of this.

[littlekitty]

Have you tried communicating with him about about a compromise?! If you want this relationship to suceed I think you need to raise all the points with him and discuss them. No point in just ignoring each other unless you are ready to walk away.