edastro4life Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Tonight I was watching my fiance kids so that she could go out with her friends. Being it is that she's not from here she has no family just friends and the kids Father is barely in the picture. So she has her kids all the time other than when one is in school . So every now and then I'll watch them for her cause I know how the stress of being a single parent can be. But anyways one of the kids was telling me that they was over so and so house and I was like I don't know who that is. So thats when one of the kids was like thats my momma boyfriend house, And I was laughing like O.K. if thats your momma boyfriend then who am I, And they was like you just Eddie, Mind you I wasn't taking them seriously being that they are 5 and 3, So now jokingly I was like what make yall think thats your momma boyfriend and they was like she was kissing him in the car. So now I just cut the conversation short, cause I don't know what to believe. A lot of kids at age 5 and 3 don't know whats right and wrong they only know what they see and I'm feeling so confused right now. Part of me just want to call her right now and be like what the F**k and part of me says just wait and deal with it tommorow when she come and get the kids. but any ways how do you think i should handle this situation. I don't want her to start thinking that I'm insecure or whatever and If she is cheating I dont want her think that I'm stupid or any thing either. any input is greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I'd say "Hon, I had an interesting conversation with your kids today..." and just tell her what they said. Kids at that age are not inclined to lie perversely. It's nearly impossible for them to make up stories like that. What does your gut tell you? Have you noticed any pecular behavior? Any red flags you should be aware of? If you have good boundaries, you'll call her out on this and find out if something is going on. It's noble for you to watch her kids and stuff while she goes out and has fun, but don't be a door mat my friend. If she's messing around on you, I would certainly break things off. Once trust is gone there can be no relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edastro4life Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 I want to trust her but at the same time you never know. The way she's been acting lately is the same way my ex was acting right before I found out she was cheating. And I don't want to seem overly paranoid because of that but hey that's the way I feel. We pretty much had a conversation about the acting differently a couple of days ago and I pretty much told her that if she's starting to feel like she doesn't want to be with me then just say it while the decision is her's to make because I feel she isn't doing me any favors by sticking around and if thats not the case and her behavior stays the same then I'm going to say hey it's not working out it's over. But then she kind of reassured me this wasn't the case but at the same time I'm thinking to my self the things you're telling me is the same things my ex used to say and she was still on B.S. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I want to trust her but at the same time you never know. The way she's been acting lately is the same way my ex was acting right before I found out she was cheating. And I don't want to seem overly paranoid because of that but hey that's the way I feel. We pretty much had a conversation about the acting differently a couple of days ago and I pretty much told her that if she's starting to feel like she doesn't want to be with me then just say it while the decision is her's to make because I feel she isn't doing me any favors by sticking around and if thats not the case and her behavior stays the same then I'm going to say hey it's not working out it's over. But then she kind of reassured me this wasn't the case but at the same time I'm thinking to my self the things you're telling me is the same things my ex used to say and she was still on B.S. Then surprise her by breaking up with her. Yep. You heard me right. Those kids aren't lying and you are being taken advantage of and used. You've got the red flags and you have the kids telling you the truth. Why not beat her to the punch and get out of there while you still have your self-respect? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Was there any time frame given? When were they over at their mother's boyfriend's house? How long have you known each other? Regardless, you have some questions - tell her what they said & see how she responds. If you're going to marry this woman it should be easy to have this discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edastro4life Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Had a talk with her today and she says she has know clue where the kids get the kissing part but her explanation for the boyfriend part is that they think every guy friend she has is her boyfriend. I told her that I knew that she had Male friends and that doesn't bother because I'm not the insecure or jealous type but it may be a problem when whatever her behavior is around these guys that suggest to her kids that they're boyfriend girlfriend. For now I'll give her the benefit of the doubt but for now my eyes are open to the possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Had a talk with her today and she says she has know clue where the kids get the kissing part but her explanation for the boyfriend part is that they think every guy friend she has is her boyfriend. I told her that I knew that she had Male friends and that doesn't bother because I'm not the insecure or jealous type but it may be a problem when whatever her behavior is around these guys that suggest to her kids that they're boyfriend girlfriend. For now I'll give her the benefit of the doubt but for now my eyes are open to the possibility. The kids specifically said she was kissing a guy. I can't see the kids making that up. I can see them saying boyfriend because they don't understand the concept but kissing, I can't see them just coming up with that from thin air. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 The kids specifically said she was kissing a guy. I can't see the kids making that up. I can see them saying boyfriend because they don't understand the concept but kissing, I can't see them just coming up with that from thin air.Kids can be devious, especially 5 year olds. I'd be inclined to think they were telling the truth, but I'd also be looking for more proof before breaking up with her. Maybe you can invite the "boyfriend" around for dinner? Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Well that just really sucks and I don't think there is any real smooth way to get the information you want. I personally hate break-ups when I'm not 100 percent positive that it was the right thing. Those lingering doubts are a bummer. If you are willing to go with your gut and what two children say - then I would get out NOW. On the other hand, if you want to be certain of her infidelities before calling it quits then you are going to have to do a bit more creative "research" because it doesn't sound like she is interested in fessing up. From what you have posted though, this is a recap of your current situation: 1. two kids told you your fiance has a bf 2. two kids told you that you are "just Eddie" 3. you feel like things are different like the other members said, kids cant make up that kind of stuff, they might not get the subtleties, but they get the big picture - the general concepts. Maybe dude isnt her bf, maybe she's just been smooching him, is that cool with you? If you're willing to forgive her for some outside kissing, maybe preface your question like that... "look i can get over you kissing someone else, but i cant get over you lying to me. have you been fooling around with someone else?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author edastro4life Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 After having a little time to think I'm really comtiplating ending the relationship. We already have other problems that we seem to not beable to work through. And when you add the possible cheating to the mix, thats something I feel I shouldn't have to deal with. Other problems I wouldn't really say they're our problems but more like hers but because I love her the way I do I say ours. She was in a Abusive relationship previously to ours and at times she say she thought he was going to kill her. And because of that at times she's emotionaly cut off. At times I wonder if she was ever raped because she doesn't like to be touched or held unless she initiates it. And I find that strange because in the beggining of the relationship she wanted to be held all the time but I thought that was due to the fact she was still being threatened by the Ex when we first started dating. I can go on and on but if I do decide to stay I think i need to slow things down a bit because I feel as if I may lose myself in trying to help her find herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 It's your choice whether or not to end the relationship. If you don't think it can survive happily, then maybe that is the best option for you. One thing, don't be suckered in to be her babysitter again though! Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 After having a little time to think I'm really comtiplating ending the relationship. We already have other problems that we seem to not beable to work through. And when you add the possible cheating to the mix, thats something I feel I shouldn't have to deal with. Other problems I wouldn't really say they're our problems but more like hers but because I love her the way I do I say ours. She was in a Abusive relationship previously to ours and at times she say she thought he was going to kill her. And because of that at times she's emotionaly cut off. At times I wonder if she was ever raped because she doesn't like to be touched or held unless she initiates it. And I find that strange because in the beggining of the relationship she wanted to be held all the time but I thought that was due to the fact she was still being threatened by the Ex when we first started dating. I can go on and on but if I do decide to stay I think i need to slow things down a bit because I feel as if I may lose myself in trying to help her find herself. This is interesting. It sounds like she makes you feel needed because she has so many problems in her past. Is it really her that you love? Or is it the project of taking care of her emotionally? I've noticed this sort of thing in myself and others - those of us who are stable like to take on SOs who need our help. It isn't necessarily a bad thing either... (i know bc i know couples who have been together for decades where one member's problems was sort of the impetus for the relationship). People who have problems are more interesting and more emotionally rewarding, but a relationship with this sort of person is more complicated and demanding. If you are in it for her bc she really is so special then it is going to be a difficult ride, but probably worth it to you (if that is what you decide you want/have committed to). In my own relationship experience though I have found that the SO w/emotional problems who treated me wrong ended up not being worth the energy and the drain - at least not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Had a talk with her today and she says she has know clue where the kids get the kissing part but her explanation for the boyfriend part is that they think every guy friend she has is her boyfriend. I told her that I knew that she had Male friends and that doesn't bother because I'm not the insecure or jealous type but it may be a problem when whatever her behavior is around these guys that suggest to her kids that they're boyfriend girlfriend. For now I'll give her the benefit of the doubt but for now my eyes are open to the possibility. think about this -is she pretty shy? yes. does she run around - no maybe the kids don't want to be with u - and she does - so she is doing what a mom does - kids first [great article about that in the sun cit - by the way great horrrorscope section too and the letter to dear abbs was great] i think she is stuck between a rock and a hard place - i was once too - when she first moved in. it was a wedge between my son and me - but i told him, i have a right to my own life and he just had to get used to it and treat everyone with respect - he was worried that she was 'taking' his moms place - and i told him, no u have one mom, anne is my wife and we parent by OUR agreed upon rules. kids grow up and leave - spirits stay til death - easy for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 i was at home waiting for my wife to come home from work and i played that cd we made way back in the old days and it is so good - and it is amazing to listen to the words now - its all there - the ups the downs, her TELLING me stuff, me NOT NOTICING and wallowing in self pity - its a great cd - its like a little time capsule. my wife and i had a rough time back in 78 but we worked together and are solid now. we stopped playing mind games back in 78 and we are more in love than every and it such a relaxing calm state - love it. we don't lie or pretend about anything - we only do that when we perform willy spear's THE CURSE OF THE PLASTIC SOCK in highyear park. we never drink at home, unless we have a party and we have rasied great kids. and at our age the druggie, boozehound, couchsleeping days are over - man, i go out after hockey and have 2 beers and i'm sleepy - yup i admit that. when i go to the beer store and buy a 6 pack i see the highschool, college crowd buying TWO CASES - seems so long ago - sigh anyways, wife just got home - gonna put her supper on the table for her - i've been keeping it warm because she had to work later. she is really dedicated to her job - i hope they appreciate that over at CSIS. she is a top notch 007. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edastro4life Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 I think thats part of it, But it was more that she was about to just move back to her Home State and decided to stay because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 i can't wait until my wife gets home. she's been out on a fishing trip with her friends and she's a little late. i hope she's ok. she loves fishing and camping and ik prefer road hockey - so we do things together and separtate too. she called yesterday and told me she was gonna shop on the way home and get those nice pjs at snuggies and bring things back from the fishing trip - so she's just probably loading everything up - and i know she doesn't let her fishing buds do that stuff fer her - its impoartnt to her tyhat she pulls her own wait the one time i went fishing with her, i got a lure caught in my big toe - and she just took the filet knife and cut it out and i cried like a baby - and she just said get over it shhhhhhhhesh so, i just stopped fishing so i don't have to worry about those things Link to post Share on other sites
Okeydokey Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 nothing is ever simple is it... that's a tricky one. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 re: edastro4life: "...her explanation for the boyfriend part is that they (her young children) think every guy friend she has is her boyfriend.." This should be a clue. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
coaster1026 Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Tell her exactly what happened with the kids and what they said to you. Tell her as if it was funny but you that you are also wondering if anything might be up...stress that you don't want to accuse anyone of anything but if it was the other way around I"m sure she would wonder the same thing. Besides, if you are going to cheat and cheat while kids are around, you are sure to get busted. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts