Relationship with my Ex

[kquick]

I have married and divorced my husband twice in the last 15 years, and we still maintain a committed relationship, though we don't live in the same city. We have 2 sons.

 

He has recently acknowledged a child he fathered 11 years ago when he lived overseas. I don't have a problem with that at all. However, he wants to have the child and her mother come to his house for a week long visit next month. He says that there is nothing between him and the mother (it was basically a one night stand, though he worked with her).

 

How should I feel about this? Am I wrong to feel very insecure? He is not yet sure if he will bring them down to visit me and the boys or if he will allow us to come up there, because it is "awkward" (his words, not mine)

[midori]

Sounds like you've got a rather complicated relationship with this guy . When you say you're in a committed relationship with him, does that mean that the two of you are still romantically involved, and that it's exclusive? If that's the case, then I think that your boyfriend/ex-husband (how do you refer to him?) ought to take your feelings more into account. Obviously his child should be able to visit him, and the child's mother as well, but when it comes to the awkwardness of the situation ... well, he should have thought about that a long time ago.

 

Provided that we're working with the same definition of "committed relationship," I think it's his fault if the mother of his child doesn't know about you, and it's too bad if it'll be awkward for him when she learns the truth. If the mother of his child does know about you, but wants to pretend that you don't exist, that's her problem, and neither you nor he should allow her delusions to dictate how the week will go. Your guy should let her know that while they have an indelible tie (their child), you are the priority in his life, not her. On the other hand, if it's you that will feel awkward about it, that's fine, although you might want to consider giving your kids the chance to meet their half-sibling.

 

But if we're not operating with the same definition of "committed relationship," then I don't know what to tell you. Either way it sounds like you and he have an unusual relationship, so it's hard to imagine what the parameters are, where the boundaries lie, etc. What are your obligations to each other? Only you know that. Obviously if you were his straight-forward wife or girlfriend, it would be vey very uncool for him to, in effect, ask you to go into hiding while this woman visits. But it sounds like your relationship with him isn't so straightforward, and perhaps that's why you're questioning whether or not you have the right to protest? I suspect that, since you've gone to the trouble of posting on this site for advice, you feel that this situation violates your arrangement with this guy. I think you should talk to him about it. Maybe you've got one understanding of the relationship, while he's got a different one. If you are viewing the relationship with different expectations, now would be a good time to confront those differences.

[Ally Boo]

So you've been with this guy 15 years....and divorced him twice. I think that its obvious to say that you shouldn't be with him if you can't maintain a relationship with each other. Divorces are EXPENSIVE! Why go through the drama? Stick it out if you are just going to come back!

 

Yes he has every right to see his child and the mother of the child...it's only right. Now, as far as your insecurities go....that's the reason why you shouldn't be with him in the first place. IF THERE IS NO TRUST, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. And honestly, how can you feel safe in a relationship with a man you've divorced twice??

[butterflyz]

tough call.

 

your relationship is awkward, so I can't start from your frame of reference...so I don't know if my reply has any meaning.

 

if I were in a commited relationship i would not feel comfortable if my guy's ex stayed in the house with the kid. i would think that it would be more appropriate if they stayed at a hotel and came over and visited.

 

if it were a one-night stand, i don't understand the commitment to her. i would think the commitment and loyalty would be to you, albeit, you are in another city. your situation's kind of confusing.

 

it doesn' t matter that there is nothing between them. that's not really what is bothering you. your insecurity has nothing to do with his fidelity my dear.

 

what is eating you....is that he is not considering your feelings. he is not respecting you or your place in his life. he is only thinking of himself (don't think it's her he cares about). he's probably enjoying the tension he's created. reminds me of one of my exes. he used to love inviting exes over his house while i was there to get a rush from all of the emotions going on. i thought it was because he still cared for them (or not for me). when i saw him doing to his wife when he ran into me...the light bulb went on. he's just a jerk.