just found out whats going on!

[InsanityImpaired]

By not phoning now, he is buying himself time to come up with "explanations." And of course she is a nut job in his book. Because now he has been caught in his ill-woven web of lies and deceit. 4 times??!? He must have left out a digit, if he wrote lots and lots. But that was to his friend...

 

Seriously, you do not even need an explanation. His emails explain it all.

[wanda98]

I still havent heard from him, he said he would call and hasnt,

Im going to have a drink....or five and go to bed, I didnt sleep at all last night, and my head hurts, I cant deal with any more right now. I will update tomorrow.

thanks all for your advice

[HennyPenny]

I think there is some truth to what she told your sister.

My sister more or less said to her that she was a liar, and then the proof came out of her wallet- photo of them together, his arm around her. A note sticky taped on the back about wishing her a happy birthday. Apparently my bf had visited her house, left her a gift because she was out - and wrote that note.

This is pretty good proof, don't you think? He shouldn't be able to talk his way out of this one...

[whichwayisup]

Yes, he is busted and knows it too.

 

If they were "just" friends, why on earth would she have that picture in her wallet????? Sorry, but most people I know, don't carry around pictures of their buddies/friends like that. Married folks with kids do, and people who are dating do...

 

Yeah, things are coming out now...

 

Go to your sis's house. Don't be alone -

[Romeo Must Die]

"She's a nutcase"

 

"She's just a friend"

 

"Honey I can explain everything"

 

 

Ick! I smell a D-Day coming!

 

[riobikini]

Wanda, this is something even I would have to call for a "sit-down talk" over.

 

It appears that either the girl has been invited (and therefore encouraged) through the friendliness of your bf to have hope of forming something more -or she's a total fruitcake with serious personal issues that are probably best left to an appropriate type of counselling.

 

Either way, your boyfriend must acknowlege the flakiness of her hopeful behavior, confront it, and make it absolutely clear to her that he's not interested.

 

Beware that -although that would be the most intelligent solution- driving that point home over and over to your boyfriend might not put you in a very good light with him and could cause the tables to turn in her favor.

 

Take a little quiet time for yourself (an afternoon should do it) and do a little communing with yourself: remind yourself *who* you are *apart* from your boyfriend (all the wonderful things you are, and have been/done), review your developed boundaries (standards, morals, etc. and generally what you've always known you'll put up with and exactly where the line is drawn) and strengthen yourself for what's ahead.

 

Explaination: when anyone tramples over your personal boundaries there are always *consequences* -and you *need* to familiarize or re-accquaint yourself with them: know both your strengths and your shortcomings before a battle.

 

Then have the conversation with your boyfriend about his new "fan" -you'll have one good chance to state your mind and make your point clear.

 

Avoid being aggressively demanding -but do *quietly* and *firmly* clarify to him where your boundaries are on this subject.

 

Leave the consequences out -if you need them, you'll enforce them -by surprise- later.

 

Don't back down from your boundary lines and wait for *action*.

 

If he doesn't act in the best interest of the relationship he has with you -begin enforcing your very personalized list of consequences.

 

Number one in your list should be protecting your personal dignity by *not* allowing yourself to be the victimized girlfriend.

 

In this situation, if it progresses negatively and he keeps up the contact, be aware that the longer it goes on, the more you become at risk for *allowing* your boundaries to be trampled, and your self-esteem and human dignity to become fodder for an endless steady stream of heartbreak, needless drama, humiliation.

 

In that state, over time, you become emotionally exhausted and your quality of life drops to ground zero.

 

My advice is -no matter how tough it is- use your current strength to make an honest effort in turning things around by having the convo with him, setting a reasonable timeframe for him (in my book, 24 hours should do it) to make his move and do what he should -then take a walk from the relationship if he drags it on, or fails to nip it.

 

-Rio

[RocketMan2]

I agree with Rio.

 

I haven't read every single post ill admit, but I think i get the gist of it...

 

It sounds like shes a complete psycho stalker. On that basis, dont belive anything she says, or anything about her. By that, I'd be wary of peoples opinions of her (your bf, sister, friends colleagues) because shes obviously very manipulative. Don't blame people for having spoken to her and having conflicting stories. Im sure shes been very genuine with all of them, but just telling different lies all the time.

 

My best advice is to completely ignore her, dont talk to her, make an effort to or anything. Anyone having any interaction with her is just fuelling whatever problems she has.

 

As for your boyfriend...

 

Maybe he got a bit interested, maybe he got a bit flirty at some point but nothing happened and she got p*ssed off. Whats always a possbility is that shes blackmailing him, which is why he doesnt know how to act with you. Maybe shes either made up some evidence, or taken some other out of context (a picture of two people together could come from 100000 places, you're just going to be thinking of the bad ones, and that could be what shes hoping you do. Dont play into it. Be objective and impartial.)

 

 

So what to do....

 

Firstly you need to gauge what your BF thinks. As much of a stalker as she is, he genuinely may not realise. Dont blame him for this, this is her manipulation. Maybe blame him for being naive but nothing more.

 

If he does realise, then tell him you understand and that you trust him, and that you want to help.

 

If he doesnt, well, im not sure.

 

Id just be wary of the blackmail thing. Remember that could mean hes guilty or innocent!

 

Be ready to hear something you might not want to

 

Phew that was long!

 

Good luck!

 

Let us know what happens

[wanda98]

Well here I am. I am newly single again, I have had a horrid past few days, I am living with a friend.

 

After finding out about the supposed 'stalker' that was following me and my bf, and confronting him about it over the phone (he was away at the time) and getting nowhere......... I decided to confront the 'stalker' OW. Now I know that it was a risky and dumb thing to do. It was however a good thing for me because I knew that it was the only way I would find out the truth. I wouldnt recommend it for all people in my situation.

 

I went to where she worked, I went up to her and just said that I think we need to talk. I was angry - I think she sensed that. She was shocked to see me, and I could see that she was as much affected as I was. We sat down and I asked her what her relationship was with my bf. She at first was surprised that I asked her this sheepish and quiet and didnt really answer my question, so I told her that I know that they are/were having a relationship.

She told me that he had told her that he was miserable in our relationship and that we had broken up, but I was depressed about the break up and so he didnt want to leave me alone. He said that he wanted to make sure that I was ok before commencing another relationship and moving out. She told me that she believed him at first but then grew suspicious. She admitted that she came by our house a couple of times but told me that it wasnt as many as he wrote in his emails to his friend. She claimed that she wanted to know the truth about what was going on, and she said that her curiosity got the better of her.he told her that he loved her and that he had made a mistake with me.

 

she knew intimate.....intimate...details about our relationship and our life together. He had told her everything, only he would be able to tell her those things.I asked her about a few things that only we would have known.

She was shocked too when I told her that we were planning on announcing our engagement in a few weeks, that I wasnt depressed and that as far as I was concerned we were happy. She was angry and It felt good to see that she was hurt as well.

 

 

I didnt really want to beleive her about a few things but I had heard enough to know for a fact that something was going on. While I was speaking to her I excused myself went into the next room I called my bf. I told him that I was moving out and that I knew everything and that I had spoken to his "friend" and that she had told me everything. He said that he couldnt talk and hung up on me.

 

when I got back to the table where she was sitting her phone rang. She looked surprised, I asked her if it was my bf - she showed me the screen, it was.

 

at that point I walked out, I didnt want her to see me upset. I have no idea why he called her and I dont want to know. He hasnt tried to call me, I have not spoken to him. I am hurting. I have lost so much weight in the past few days, I am so angry and just want to curl up and die. I dont want to speak to him, all he will say is lies.

thanks for all those who tried to help, I know that I will eventually be ok - but life is at a low point for me now.

[NoIDidn't]

Wanda

 

I've been reading your thread, and just wanted to give you a ((((wanda)))). I am so sorry that you are hurting. I wish you healing and happiness.

[Romeo Must Die]

I wonder whats up with your ex(?) boyfriend and suprised he hasnt called or written, tried to explain? That's gotta be hard. I know she would have told him you were there talking to her. I told you when she was hanging around that it was a bad sign.

 

Think of it this way, you could have married the wrong guy. There will be a day when you will find someone else and you'll forget him. Its still January time for new changes, positive ones are coming. Just whatever you do, do not chase him. Act like you could care less, even if you really dont.

 

[MoonGirl]

Wanda,

 

I know you're very hurt right now, but I'm glad that you know that you'll be okay. It truly is wonderful that you found our who your bf really is BEFORE you married him. Someday soon you will be thankful for that, and you will move on to meet someone who deserves your affection.

 

Like you, I don't eat when I'm upset. Try to think of yourself and take good care of yourself. This situation is not your fault. You deserve to be happy and healthy.

[wanda98]

I think that he got busted....in a big way, and he knows it. I think that he created such a web of lies that he got caught in it, he knows that I would not be the type to fall to pieces and beg to have him back (well I did much to my surprise, but he didnt see that) I could make life difficult for him and he is probably afraid of that.

 

part of me just wants him to say sorry and that he loves me still and that he made a mistake, I would never.....never take him back, but it would be good to hear it anyway.

 

I have seen this in him before, he just shuts down and refuses to take responsibility for anything. I saw it once when he had a huge fight with his dad. He just walked away, never to speak of it again. Even when his dad wanted to speak to him he just refused to acknowledge anything.

[wanda98]

thanks moongirl for your support.

I just wish this feeling would go away sooner rather than later.....

[RocketMan2]

I tried to be optimistic

 

 

How are you feeling right now?

 

It helps to let it out

[Romeo Must Die]

Heads up little one. This relationship with nutcase will never last. If thats what he calls her behind her back, it's basicly doomed right. Besides the guy never finishes anything he has started. And LOL, I'm glad to hear youre not as crazy and depressed as he made you out to be to the "nutcase" ...at least not crying in front of him. Make sure when he does see you again you're looking fit, like you forgot all about him.

 

[whichwayisup]

Don't ever speak to him again. I am sorry for your pain, but in all honesty, better to find out NOW what a complete and utter a-hole, user, bastard he is than in 2 or more years from now...

 

You didn't do anything wrong, it was all him. His loss, his stupid choices, and you're better off without a lying bastard like that in your life.

 

Atleast you talking to the OW, her eyes have been opened more, she can now see him for WHO he is and if she chooses to continue seeing him, well, she's a fool.

 

Take care of you, get healthy again, and one day soon you'll feel alot better.

[wanda98]

I have never wanted to be in a relationship with someone who lies, and so I will never look back. i will always try to be strong, even though inside Im like melting butter. I have been really sad and really depressed, and I have been angry with him and myself...its a mixed bag of emotions. Somedays I am just tired of thinking about it all.

 

can I ask these 2 questions though....just something that I have been mulling over for the last couple of days.

1. If they had a relationship but were not sleeping together, does that make it any better, what he has done? I just want a yes or no answer, its not going to change anything...I just want your opinion about that.

 

2. A friend said (a friend of his more so than me) that it would have been better to get it out of his system before we got married, and if we had gotten married - and I never knew about it - it would have been better than this...any thoughts on that comment.

[whichwayisup]

1. If they had a relationship but were not sleeping together, does that make it any better, what he has done? I just want a yes or no answer, its not going to change anything...I just want your opinion about that.

To be honest, I doubt very much that relationship of theirs was "planotic". If he didn't, then why has he been acting the way he has...And if he did, why didn't he end it with you.

 

Both is hard, equals the same pain...

 

2. A friend said (a friend of his more so than me) that it would have been better to get it out of his system before we got married, and if we had gotten married - and I never knew about it - it would have been better than this...any thoughts on that comment.

 

Bull! I don't believe that for a second. There's a big difference in having a one night stand, having JUST sex, than an affair. Affairs are emotionally charged and involve lying, deceiving and alot of pretending.

 

You'll never trust him again because of how he handled the whole thing. There is NO way he did that to 'get it out of his system' before getting married.

 

. If they had a relationship but were not sleeping together, does that make it any better, what he has done? I just want a yes or no answer

There is no right answer to that because pain and mistrust are just that. I guess in some way relief sets in knowing it wasn't sexual, but the fact still is, he allowed himself to BE involved emotionally. Sorry I can't give you a yes or no answer, maybe someone else can help more though.

[puddleofmud]

I am terribly sorry this happened to you! However, you are a very smart girl who trusts her instincts and her heart--that will bring you so much goodness and soon you will be "light-years" away from this situation!

Actually, though you may not see that now--you already are!

Please, please don't ever change yourself--you are so strong and so loving and your character is one to admire!

As an answer to your question about whether this was or was not a "sexual affair": it doesn't matter. TRUST regarding emotional intimacy is what is most valuable about any relationship.

Your "future" husband should not have been disloyal to you by speaking to another regarding to his feelings/ situation about you. That is coined as an "emotional affair" which is just as damaging if not more so than a sexual affair.

He should have been talking to YOU about his issues with yours and his relationship.

A person who does this kind of thing is not "marriage material". This indicates a lack of maturity as to one's readiness for commitment.

Maturity comes slowly and you may be a little ahead of him in that regard.

As for the other chicky-poo, so sorry you had to do that--but that was very brave...if he had have had the balls to talk w/ you as opposed to avoiding how you felt--he would still have YOU, still have a marriage and a future.

Yet he CHOSE to disregard your questions and feelings. He betrayed your personal trust by revealing details.

A good friend does not do that much less a fiance/partner/husband.

A life long partner is one's best friend...he is not your friend in the least.

So sorry you are hurt and hope you continue to be strong within yourself!

[RocketMan2]

As an answer to your question about whether this was or was not a "sexual affair": it doesn't matter. TRUST regarding emotional intimacy is what is most valuable about any relationship.

Your "future" husband should not have been disloyal to you by speaking to another regarding to his feelings/ situation about you. That is coined as an "emotional affair" which is just as damaging if not more so than a sexual affair.

 

I'm not sure i agree entirely. He should DEFINATLEY have spoken to you, but I don't class it as a massive crime for him speaking to someone else about your relationship. I often tell my friends details of a situation to get their views, hell thats whats LS is all about!!

 

Maybe i misunderstand you :s

[riobikini]

re:

 

Wanda: "...I have not spoken to him. I am hurting. I have lost so much weight in the past few days, I am so angry and just want to curl up and die. ....thanks for all those who tried to help, I know that I will eventually be ok - but life is at a low point for me now."

 

 

Here again, Wanda, is my advice from an earlier post:

 

" Number one in your list should be protecting your personal dignity by *not* allowing yourself to be the victimized girlfriend.

 

In this situation, if it progresses negatively and he keeps up the contact, be aware that the longer it goes on, the more you become at risk for *allowing* your boundaries to be trampled, and your self-esteem and human dignity to become fodder for an endless steady stream of heartbreak, needless drama, humiliation.

 

In that state, over time, you become emotionally exhausted and your quality of life drops to ground zero.

 

My advice is -no matter how tough it is- use your current strength to make an honest effort in turning things around by having the convo with him, setting a reasonable timeframe for him (in my book, 24 hours should do it) to make his move and do what he should -then take a walk from the relationship if he drags it on, or fails to nip it."

 

You now *know* -and you've made moves to "nip" it.

 

Stay in the boards -you're gonna need the support.

 

>Hugs<

 

-Rio

[wanda98]

I have been reading a lot of the posts on here, and i was wondering about NC...no contact?

 

this is the thing. I havent heard from my ex-snake since our last conversation. His last words to me were "I cant talk to you right now" just before he called his 'other' in the next room...... and I am starting to think about that a lot. I wasnt surprised when he put his head in the sand in the beginning, I wasnt surprised that he is avoiding my friends and family. He likes to be seen as the 'good guy' that never does anything wrong, who doesnt make mistakes. He is the one people turn to when THEY are caught cheating on their girlfriends...He is in a postition of authority in his work and he has always lead his life in the same way.

so I am starting to want to know some things, details, how it happened and why it happened. I am starting to wonder about whether he is going to stay with this girl and what he thinks of me now, how he thinks of me....

I would like nothing more than to put my head in the sand, but I think that this curiosity is starting to get to me. How do I live with the unsaid things, how do I live with the fact that he will never say sorry, that he doesnt think that its worth explaining anything to me.

should I make contact with him to get some answers, or am i better off giving him the cold shoulder and moving on.....crawling away as it may be.

any advice....

[MoonGirl]

Wanda,

 

I think contacting your ex will simply bring you more pain and prolong your healing process. It also makes you appear weak to him, and he may try to take advantage of your weakness. I stongly recommend against contacting him for ANY reason.

 

Instead, concentrate on doing what makes you happy. Go out with friends, get a massage, etc.

[RocketMan2]

I think its very unlikely that the conversation would go even slightly to anything you could plan or hope for.

 

It will probably only leave you with more questions, plus seeing him will upset you.

 

Let it go, with time you'll learn that the reasons dont matter to you, or you manage to decide in your own mind what happened and why, then you'll be content.

 

Just restist. You'll start to feel better soon

 

 

RocketMan