Am I being messed around?

[alasia]

I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 44. We’ve been together for 5 months and it was quite a whirlwind romance! I spent almost every night at his place from the first week and moved in ‘officially’ a couple of months later. He’s the first person I’ve ever felt this strongly for and was/am convinced I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We talked about marriage and kids and I’m not pregnant with his baby (only 7 weeks; we didn’t find out until after we’d split up)

 

We both messed up on varying degrees over the course of the relationship, but always got through it and stayed together – this time though, it was my fault. Over the past month or so I got into a habit of lashing out sometimes during arguments – slapping, pulling hair, that kind of thing. Obviously it’s appalling behaviour and shouldn’t be tolerated, I know that. On Dec 30th we had an argument and I slapped him, then pulled his hair. It really affected him and he instantly withdrew, telling me he needed a break to get his head sorted so I stayed at my dad’s house. The break went on for 9 days, with me finding it hard to give him the LC/NC he wanted. The last few days though I managed it, and on Monday he asked me to meet him, as I had to give him some stuff for my pet rats (which are kept at his place) He’s a bus driver in my town so I caught his bus, and ended up staying to talk to him for 2 hours. We got on great, and I didn’t mention ‘us’ at all (as I usually do whenever I see him). At the end of his shift I was about to go home, when he sat down next to me and gave me the softest kiss ever. I visibly melted. It was lovely and he asked me to come back to his house and stay over. I refused at first, but eventually agreed. He was going to sleep on the sofa that night, but we ended up sharing the bed and we slept together. Afterwards, I asked him what he thought it meant, and he said it was “how it used to be”. I was trying not to show my true feelings for fear of getting hurt, so I said that to me it was just sex. He looked a bit hurt, but didn’t say anything.

 

The next morning I got ready to leave, and he said I could stay as long as I wanted. I ended up staying for 3 nights! He said he loved having me there and felt totally comfortable with it, and while I was there we acted ‘coupley’ – me sitting on the sofa with my legs over his lap, him calling me honey or babe – or telling benson (his cat) that ‘mum’ was back! Of the final 2 nights, he spent one night on the sofa and the other in bed with me. At one point, he said he still loved me (previously he’d said he no longer had feelings for me), so I kind of assumed we were back together

 

After I left, I didn’t hear much from him for a couple of days, apart from when he was sending quite short replies to my text messages. I met him on Friday for a while on the bus and we chatted, I mentioned I wouldn’t see him for a while and he said I’d see him the next day – I could catch the last bus and stay at his place.

I got annoyed at one point because I’d phoned him and asked if he saw us as being back together, and he said that he didn’t. He didn’t regret what happened on Monday and he’d enjoyed spending time with me, but he still hadn’t made up his mind. I told him that I was considering getting back with Steve (an ex that I kissed a week ago and who is trying to get back together with me - my boyfriend knows about it) and wanted to end it for good. He replied saying “ok it’s over. You don’t need to text me again now, do you”. Then made some snide remarks about Steve and called him names, which I thought was childish.

 

I texted him the next day (yesterday) to check he didn’t still want me to meet him, so I could make plans. He sent some silly, childish messages back saying I’d probably already made plans anyway, and I should say hi to Steve for him. I hadn’t even mentioned Steve, and it wasn’t him I was going out with. I decided to go out anyway, but meet Phil on my way home to try and patch things up.

I tried to get him to talk about ‘us’ but he wouldn’t, saying I was boring him and that he hates me coming on the bus because I keep talking about the same old stuff.

I ended up going back to his place that night because I had to clean the rats out – he wanted me to leave straight after (we got home at 2am, so I spent the next hour cleaning out the rat cage!) then when I’d finished, he said he’d take me home in the morning instead!

I was annoyed and we got into a bit of an argument, with phil saying over and over again that I should go with steve because he’s obviously what I want, me saying he’s got no right to act jealous seeing as he said he hasn’t got any feelings for me anymore and then he said if he didn’t have some feelings for me, I wouldn’t have been there at all. For some reason I asked him to sleep upstairs with me – I just wanted to be close to him, I suppose – and he did. At first he kept over to the other side of the bed, but after a bit of persuading from me he cuddled up behind me and had held my hand earlier on in bed, so I thought maybe that meant he still had feelings for me (stupid, I know).

 

This morning at 8am he asked if I was getting up. I felt like I was being rushed out so I got in a bit of a mood, but in the car on the way home we talked a little.

He ended up saying that he wouldn’t feel comfortable walking around his town with me yet, and when I asked him if that was because of the way he feels or what everyone else would think, he said it was probably a bit of both. He also said that I never give him a chance to make up his mind, but he does have feelings for me. I said if he had strong enough feelings then he’d forget about everyone else for a while and concentrate on getting us back on track. Go out with me somewhere out of his town, where we can act like a couple…meet up with me regularly, but he never seems to want to make the effort. I said that if I didn’t contact him, he wouldn’t have. He says he would have, but I kept messing things up by going to see him or contacting him.

 

The thing is, he was the one who initiated me going back to his place on Monday. He was the one that kept asking me to stay those three nights, but when I said that to him, all he said was “well you made me feel guilty! You stay on the bus with me until it’s time for your last bus home, and you know I hate you catching that one – I worry about you so I let you stay at mine for the night”. I felt awful when he said that, so small and I don’t know whether he meant it, but I certainly didn’t feel like I forced him into letting me stay.

 

That was this morning and I haven’t heard from him today. He did say he’d phone me when he got home but I told him not to bother as everything had been said. I half expected him to call anyway, but he didn’t.

 

I’m not going to contact him again now, and see if he gets in touch with me, but I suppose the reason I’m posting this is to get an outside opinion on what he’s playing at – I really think he’s getting off on having me seemingly run around after him, coming whenever he calls, and that he doesn’t have any real feelings for me (whenever I say this to him he swears I’m wrong, but I’m not so sure).

 

On the off-chance he does get in touch, how should I handle it – do I stay away completely, be friendly but refuse to meet him if he asks, meet up as friends or meet up like we did on monday, but keep it casual for now?

 

I’m sorry this post is sooo long, and thanks to those of you that take the time to read and reply. My head’s spinning at the moment so it’s be good to have some clear, concise replies – more than just “leave him” would be good.

 

Thanks x

[lorr]

You've posted a similar thread over a week ago, and as I've previously said your relationship is destructive and unhealthy. It seems that both of you are extremely immature to handle a relationship with each other and its best all round if both of you did each other a favour and move on.

 

5 months is suppose to be the "honeymoon period" for most couples and in your relationship so much negative things have happened during this short space of time. If this is 5 months into the relationship I would hate to see what 5 years would be like.

 

At the end of the day its your call. You can either continue sleeping with him, getting yourself more confused, and put up with the mixed signals. Or you can think about moving on permanently taking care of you and your unborn child.

[Guest]

hi there, if i may add my 2 cents - my gf and i are going thru a similar situation so i hope my advice helps a bit. here our story - we are the greatest couple in the world anne and i but we are also the two most stubborn and flip floppers in the world - at least we used to be, we are now brand spanking new and have reached a level of understanding, caring and honesty most people dream of having and we've done it in a short time because that's us.

 

so, what happened is we had a brief rough patch and i think everyone and every relationship has one time where life spins out of control like a torando and call u can do is hang on until it leaves and for us it did but it threw us in two different places so while we were out on our harleys searching for each other, we lived life without the guidance of each other and that's a good thing -

 

it was like our indepenance day and what we learned from that time we brought back and shared with each other - that's why we can now make decisions without flipping and flopping and worrying about hurt feelings or feeling weird about the past or our travels on the road back to get each other. so, basically what i think is happening for u is the same that's happening for us - u feel the rush of happiness knowing that you have found each other and we are both safe and sound and so the emotions are a little high because with all our knew found skills -

 

well, its pretty sweet and d. so, basically what we are doing is planning, like making a schedule, where we discuss the big mac double cheeseburgler with fries issues for a certain amount of time [and with emotions in check, polite, honest, respectful] and then we leave it for a bit to digest things, and we take some 'alone' time, then back together for just light hearted fun, normal life stuff - and keep repeating until everything is hunky dory. for example - we've talked about living together [everything seems kewl just the timing is needed to set], eduaction, children, health, home envirnoment, etc. is pretty well tackled and so, now we can focus on the things that we really want that are current, not the future - for example in the future anne has the computer room all to herself so she can do her university stuff and i get 10 minutes a day to check my emails.

 

we slept together sometimes, sometimes not, and that's mainly because i have sleep apena and sore like a tractor so getting that taken care of - the main reason is because i had a terrible coke addiction and now have a divated sep and i have an operation coming up to get the plumbing back in order - so that will help to. plus, eating better, exercising, regular sleep hours for me helps. and yes, we sometimes get excited and want to do things we planned in the past right away but we are taking our time and doing it right - for example -

 

we want to get married and her and i went to bobstore and looked at a few rings at napkins and we don't have to make that decision right away but we both saw ones that we liked. so, the point of all this is, its ok to feel a little dizy because lots is going on - just keep communicating and both will do the right thing. as for an ex or a date thang, its normal for people to get jealous and emotional but compared to the days of yore we are miles ahead. hey, i don't like her ex but that isn't a slag on her -

 

she doesn't like my ex either. i don't like where she works and she thinks i get paid too much for sitting on my ass - the good thing is we are talking and not sweeping gthings under the rug [no balding jokes please]

so some days are better than others - betcha you'll feel fine after a great meal, some cuddles and watching a good movie

 

i hoped that helped