Update

[Romeo Must Die]

Hello Miss Lady Jane! My respect and admiration for you is unanimous. You have a big heart LJ and your light just shines through every post.

 

H2T I have been reading your old threads yesterday. Thousands of posts to read and it was heavy, a lot to read. I just didnt bring them up because you seemed to have come so far than you were in the beginning and I sincerely wanted to help you reconcille.

 

Six months ago, you were pretty much convinced that you were in love with your OW, not your wife. Your wife was completely written off as worthless. You demonized your wife to convince the people here at LS you were unhappy and mistreated. IE sex and bedroom issues. You were more upset that things werent going so well with your OW than with your marriage.

 

You called your marriage "pure hell" and made lots of complaints about protecting your financial interests only. You had argued with every poster who didnt agree with you, and here you are six months later doing the same thing. Again. If all you wanted was a divorce so why dont you just go out and get one? Why involve your kids in this debacle? Why involve us? Why am I not suprised you are not thriving? Have not even begun to?

 

I cant imagine what it must be like living with you. I cant imagine working two jobs, raising two kids that arent mine, etc etc, all for a man that has no concern for anybody but himself, his OW and his money.

 

I dont believe you are genuinely remorseful for the BW and the way you have treated her in the past. You get frustrated easily and just want to throw her away again. To be the first one to say she threw you away. Why go through this vicious circle with you? What have you learned? What have you changed? What about your mistakes? You seem to make alot of them, downplaying it for sure, but you have a problem pointing out her mistakes in every turn. Thats annoying. Its hyper critical and its not going to work.

 

Everybody does make mistakes, were human, but most people take responsibility for their actions either way. They can say they are wrong, apologize (and mean it) because they want to try, whereas you dont want to try. You gave up on the marriage a long time ago. I wouldnt be at all suprised if she was just waiting (and hoping) for you to leave. You are always angry and always critical.

 

Reconcilliation takes work. Hard selfless work. It's not on a six month timetable. It takes every ounce of energy you have to give to it. My husband screwed up alot (as have I) but at least we had enough love and respect for each other to forgive and to keep trying without blameshifting. It took alot of guts for him to come back and work things out with me. In his own words he took me for granted and reconcilliation didnt mean anything to him until he almost lost me for good. I gave him his divorce. He had his OW to spoil. The world was his oyster but he couldnt be happy without me in his world. Thats a big difference between my FWS and you. Remorse.

 

I have to wonder just how much "work" you have really put into this reconcilliation other than giving up your toy OW (or rather, she gave you up) and I'm thinking that you have reverted back to blaming the BW for all your problems. Blame her for failing reconcilliation. Blame her for the divorce. That isnt right. It takes two to tango and I would really like to know her side of the story. It is long overdue.

 

Physical intimacy will never return until the requirements for emotional intamacy has been met. And dont throw the love bank issues at your BW. I want to see your business plan. You drained that account and left a big deficit and you have yet to pay back your margin of credit you borrowed against from that account! Just because you closed the other accont doesnt mean the love bank money is flowing back in. You are pocketing the difference and being a fiscal tightwad with the love bank money.

 

Your WS way of thinking and your story is not at all original. I have read alot of your constant hatred towards your wife and I am afraid that alot of that resentment has been absorbed so deeply and I think she is probably treating you with the same indifference (disdain) as you have afforded her for so many years. You would have left her if OW hadnt left you first. That isn't honorability. It is irony.

 

[whichwayisup]

H2T, wait for the right moment, but if you can get your wife to do marriage counselling with you and continue her own one on one therapy, things could actually get better.

[Hard2Think]

..I cant imagine what it must be like living with you. I cant imagine working two jobs, raising two kids that arent mine, etc etc, all for a man that has no concern for anybody but himself, his OW and his money. ..

 

 

Um .. the kids are hers too. She works a part-time job teaching Pilates. She never worked 2 jobs. And I don't think I ever expressed any concern over money. Are you sure you were reading my thread?

[Ladyjane14]

I get the feeling that this is boiling over a bit more now than usual is that she's not being very successful at brushing this under the carpet. I'm actually a bit encouraged that she's bringing it up more for that reason. She at least is interested in dealing with it and giving me the opportunity to do the same.

 

I agree with your assessment. I think it's "encouraging" that she's bringing it up more. Every time she does... the message, roughly translated is... "I'm afraid". It might manifest itself as anger, resentment, sadness, or hopelessness, but it all means the same. "I'm afraid".

 

As painful as it must sometimes be to hear, there's hope to be had in her willingness to bring her fears to you.

 

Maybe you could try the "Listen, Repeat, Rephrase" technique when she brings it up. It could get the dialogue going and might even redirect her enough so that she can identify the underlying emotions behind whatever initial outburst she's having at the time.

 

 

(p.s. Thanks Romeo. )

[Romeo Must Die]

I guess I am confused about the details and following your threads. I assumed because she taught class on weekends that she had another day job (MY MISTAKE!) and I guess by the way you talk about the kids, creating dividing lines between child and mother, it's like they even aren't hers to raise. That you are doing it all single handedly. You're prepping them for leaving their mother.

 

Actually, there is alot you leave out of your posts and leave everyone to scramble around to surmise for themselves just for trying to make sense of it all. You are without a doubt one of the most screwed up WS I have ever talked to, including my own.

 

 

You have had two affairs. Not one but two! This isnt your first walk around the park with an other woman.

 

 

This is my second affair. I didn't want to leave the wife for the OW the first time and when I changed contracts and location our affair ended. I basically didn't want to see her anymore.

 

 

And, You H2T, were the one who asked for a divorce in the first place!

 

 

I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.

 

 

And you wonder why your wife is so bloody pissed off at you?

 

 

She was very uptight and was her usual self last night. I chalked it up to the fact that she's taking this extra fitness certification exam today that she's been studying like crazy for. But already this morning, I could see that she was feeling guarded with me again. I called her to say hello at lunchtime, but again - she wasn't real talkative .. I suspect that she's feeling resentful again - but doesn't want to open that can of worms right now

 

 

This past week has been a slow downward slide down the rollercoaster that took a sharp dip on our date last Saturday. It seems to be the trend on our nights out. They start out OK, then she has a drink or two and it's Hell from then on .. Last Saturday was no different. We went to a nice place for dinner and she got a little nasty by the time dessert was coming.

 

In the car - she started calling me names and assured me that in no way shape or form was the marriage ever going to be the same again. She told me she was staying with me because of the kids and that's that. She mentioned how she thinks that I got off with no concequences

 

 

Back to sqare one. What was it that changed BW forever? Your first post...

 

 

I want to be out of this marriage and I wanted that before meeting OW - I just wasn't motivated to put everyone through divorce even if I wasn't happy

 

I'm messed up - and I know it. Sometimes I think I would do best to clear out of everyone's life for a while before the sh*t is hits the fan when everyone finds out what I've been doing and thinking.

 

 

Nothing has changed since then in terms of your reconcilliation. You are still a critical bastard and keeping one foor out the door as you have for many years. Six months. Thats it huh? I wouldn't give you six minutes! You would be out the door in six seconds or less, pal!

 

 

I can see that she's still very angry with me. She told me that any time we're alone together, she can't stop thinking about how OW and I were together .. intimately. She's also made some comments about how she's so 100% sure that I'll do this again, that she doesn't want to get close to me again lest she gets hurt. She also made it clear that she no longer feels the same towards me.

 

[Kinger25]

I guess I am confused about the details and following your threads. I assumed because she taught class on weekends that she had another day job (MY MISTAKE!) and I guess by the way you talk about the kids, creating dividing lines between child and mother, it's like they even aren't hers to raise. That you are doing it all single handedly. You're prepping them for leaving their mother.

 

Actually, there is alot you leave out of your posts and leave everyone to scramble around to surmise for themselves just for trying to make sense of it all. You are without a doubt one of the most screwed up WS I have ever talked to, including my own.

 

 

You have had two affairs. Not one but two! This isnt your first walk around the park with an other woman.

 

 

This is my second affair. I didn't want to leave the wife for the OW the first time and when I changed contracts and location our affair ended. I basically didn't want to see her anymore.

 

 

And, You H2T, were the one who asked for a divorce in the first place!

 

 

I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.

 

 

And you wonder why your wife is so bloody pissed off at you?

 

 

She was very uptight and was her usual self last night. I chalked it up to the fact that she's taking this extra fitness certification exam today that she's been studying like crazy for. But already this morning, I could see that she was feeling guarded with me again. I called her to say hello at lunchtime, but again - she wasn't real talkative .. I suspect that she's feeling resentful again - but doesn't want to open that can of worms right now

 

 

This past week has been a slow downward slide down the rollercoaster that took a sharp dip on our date last Saturday. It seems to be the trend on our nights out. They start out OK, then she has a drink or two and it's Hell from then on .. Last Saturday was no different. We went to a nice place for dinner and she got a little nasty by the time dessert was coming.

 

In the car - she started calling me names and assured me that in no way shape or form was the marriage ever going to be the same again. She told me she was staying with me because of the kids and that's that. She mentioned how she thinks that I got off with no concequences

 

 

Back to sqare one. What was it that changed BW forever? Your first post...

 

 

I want to be out of this marriage and I wanted that before meeting OW - I just wasn't motivated to put everyone through divorce even if I wasn't happy

 

I'm messed up - and I know it. Sometimes I think I would do best to clear out of everyone's life for a while before the sh*t is hits the fan when everyone finds out what I've been doing and thinking.

 

 

Nothing has changed since then in terms of your reconcilliation. You are still a critical bastard and keeping one foor out the door as you have for many years. Six months. Thats it huh? I wouldn't give you six minutes! You would be out the door in six seconds or less, pal!

 

 

I can see that she's still very angry with me. She told me that any time we're alone together, she can't stop thinking about how OW and I were together .. intimately. She's also made some comments about how she's so 100% sure that I'll do this again, that she doesn't want to get close to me again lest she gets hurt. She also made it clear that she no longer feels the same towards me.

 

Hi H2T. Sorry to come into this so late. I have been reading through all of your previous threads and have been trying to keep up 2 date on your situation and thus have been silent so far.

 

Lady Jane is VERY insightful and for some reason, when I read her posts and let her words of wisdom sink in, I become aware of the fact that ALL of her proactive advices are bang on. Listen to her and act on her reasoning.

 

One thing I wanted to ask you H2T after reading your story and something that RMD picked up on is, 6 months ago you were SO infatuated with your OW. Your W was the last thing on your mind and you were ready to up sticks and leave. Divorce was a one way street in your mind back then and although I understand that passion can dwindle I am a little bewildered as to how you can now put so much emphasis on re-building your marriage.

 

It struck me as quite strange that one day 6 months ago you lived and died for OW and the next day you have fallen out of love with her, want nothing to do with her, told us at LS that the affair is over and you want your wife back etc etc. As far as you have revealed, this is because OW came knocking on your door in a tantrum and you were afraid of the effect that this would have on your children IF they had seen the said episode.

 

I am only asking so please forgive me if I seem a little preconceived but how did you so quickly lose your feelings for OW? Why suddenly did you feel the necessity to try and re-build your marriage? I am touching on this because you seem a little reluctant to even mention OW these days. I believe you implicitly when you say that you no longer wish to have anything to do with her but can I ask you to open up a little bit more as to how exactly you feel about OW now, how you decided that you did not want to continue your affair with her and why you now want to try and save your marriage. Its just that I am a little suspicious of your intentions and in my heart of hearts I do not think that you really want to put the work in to re-build your marriage.

[Romeo Must Die]

Actually I picked up on it after reading his current posts.

 

About the OW, H2T's just mad at OW because she turned out to be a "psycho" the affair played itself out on his original locked thread...

 

It all matters not. OW came to the house with love emails I had sent her and gave them to W. Unbeleivable nightmare scenario. W and I haven't slept all night. I wish to God someone was here right now .. this sucks. But it's all 100% my fault. Nobody to lay the blame on here. OW turns out to be a psycho and there's no chance of reconciliation with W

 

The OW was angry and after waiting over a year for him to move his ass on the divorce, he blew her off and didnt call her for days. It was his every intention of divorcing his wife. He didnt want the wife to find out about it so they could divorce amicably for WS sake. Now that OW outed him, he says in the same breath, there is no chance at reconcilliation? What reconcilliation? Reconcilliation requires guts and determination and lots of self sacrifice! It requires honesty and remorse! Here there just isnt any to be found in H2T.

 

IMO, This thread should be called the definition of Narcissim. He doesnt care for the OW, or his wife. Its all about WS!!!

 

[Romeo Must Die]

 

Shes not psycho....This is the same woman at one point he thought was his answer...the way out of his marriage and into a happier life. He has strung her along, begged for her to trust him, asked her to wait. He adored her as long as she did so and played by his rules of discreetness. As soon as she takes a stand all of the sudden PSYCHO? I think NOT. Everyone has their boiling point and when you play with someones emotions, their feelings and life with no regard but your own, you better be ready for the consequences. My guess is the wife will ulimatley forgive, not saying its gonna be easy but will forgive nonetheless and they will continue their marriage either the same mundane way w/ added hostility for the affair or it will awaken something & improve.

 

I hope every new OW to LS who believes in her MM, trusts her MM with all her soul reads this thread becasue H2T is the classic example of a man who's marriage has gone south and is looking for a quick fix.

 

"Love bank" my left butt cheek.

[Romeo Must Die]

 

He is not blaming himself 100%... He has put sufficient blame on his wife from the onset. She doesn't do this; I simply want this; I've tried everything; she wasn't there for me during this time; she goes limp... with the dialogue this man has been able to carry on at LS I can't imagine this is the first he's heard of MC.

 

And, yes, every individual is responsible for their own actions and feelings but how many BS's on LS have urged OW to tell the BS? They ALWAYS say let the BS know what's going on.

 

One minute this man is talking about a call girl and staying married, the next about the OW, the next about his wife; the next "poor me" I just want to be loved; the next oh my poor kids... Why would it not surprise me to find that no matter how much his wife "changed" for him, it would never be enough?

 

I'm trusting my gut on this one... You sound like a classic narcissist H2T.

 

Bingo! We have a weiner.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

Its like a bad soap opra. You know its ridiculous & over the top, but you keep watching 'cause your caught up in the stroy line.

 

My only problem with the story is if you guys agreed on an amicable divorce (cue sad music) and start planning it w/ no lawyers....with the ow showing up (cue in the dark clouds and thunder), I would expected a woman like your wife to respond with distane and skip the amicable part and proceed to take you for everything. But you flip the script and made her out to be the unsuspecting innocent wife who wants save the marriage. That raised my eyebrows abit.

 

 

LMAO @ dark clouds and thunder.

 

[Hard2Think]

Kinger25,

 

You ask why I could be so down on the marriage and in love with OW one day and do a 180 the next. It's a legit question. No doubt about it. And I'll give you the best answer I can - whether or not you'll be able to understand me.

 

To recap the big thread, my marriage was a nightmare for me. I guess I was having a hell of a time dealing with constant rejection and sexual frustration. What really pushed me to want a divorce was her treatment of me. I was literally dreading coming home on most days because I knew what awaited me. Based on her actions, I was pretty much convinced my wife didn't give a crap about me.

 

Did this justify an affair? No. But it sure felt good to be with someone who wanted me. In spite of that - I still loved my wife. Which is why I guess I never actually left her. I think now in hindsight, I may have been trying to turn my A into an exit A. It may well have turned out that way .. but then OW came to the house and things just looked different in that light.

 

First of all, I was surprised that my wife reacted as strongly as she did. Ironically that was probably the only real sure sign I saw that she loved me in years. I would have preferred a different sign, but I guess I ultimately didn't want to lose her and I felt like I loved her after all. I can't explain the suddenness of that realization at all. It was just there. I also didn'y miss the OW. I also don't know why that is. I just never even missed her after she came over. I didn't hate her nor was I really that angry with her. To tell you the truth - I never expected this from her. This reaction was so out of character for her that she somewhat freaked me out. She looked more like a stalker to me than anything.

 

I do understand why I had the affair, but I don't know how I did the 180. If you think you know what was going through my head at the time, then more power to you - because I don't.

 

I feel nothing for OW at all. I haven't contacted her ever since that day. In fact I configured my email provider to cancel an delete any emails from her so I wouldn't even know I got them. I blocked and deleted her from IM, and if I could block out her phone #, I would have.I'm not angry with her, but I have no desire to hear from her nor to speak to her again.

 

I know some of you think that I must have done something to deserve her treatment of me. If a husband goes through this with his wife he must be no angel. If a women gets beaten by her husband she must have done something to deserve it too, right? I happen to disagree with that and I lived it to know it. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I am saying that I was getting treated like crap for reasons that I think had nothing to do with me at all. There was nothing I did to deserve it at all. Say what you will, that's how I lived it.

[silktricks]

H2T - When a marriage is in trouble it is rarely if ever one person's fault. Before you had the affair that brought you to LS, you were in a miserable marriage. You chose not to deal with the marriage issues and have an affair instead. As you've learned, that's not a wise course of action. Among other things it did put you in what I believe you referred to as a weak negotiating position.

 

BUT - your implied assumption that all things before your affair were your wife's fault is no more valid than the assumption that all things wrong in the marriage since the Affair are your fault. Please understand - a marriage is made of TWO people. Rarely if ever do the problems belong to only one.

 

I'm going to say to you again approximately what I said about six months ago. You are a terribly impatient man. You have portrayed yourself as a successful businessman, and I have no reason to doubt that. BUT, what makes a person successful in business is often the opposite of what makes a person successful in personal relationships.

 

A personal relationship is often improved by dealing from a position of weakness. When my husband confessed of his A (for example) he told me many times that he was willing to die to make me better. He proved that level of love for me by putting up with questioning and heartbreak on my part for over TWO YEARS. Six months isn't very long into the healing process. I know that you know this is true.

 

You've said you're going to give it another six months, and that's a good thing. What is a bad thing is putting a time schedule on it. Your wife's psyche has been battered by your actions, just as your psyche was/is battered by hers.

 

Remember when she first found out, took the kids and went to a family function? Remember how she didn't want you to go? But you went. When you showed up, she was happy that you put yourself out on a limb to show her that your love for her was important. It sounds like (may not be, but does sound like) she's testing that love again. Show her that you love her, and that you don't want to let her go. She's going to need a lot of reassurance - a lot!! probably for quite some time.

 

Do you love her enough to give it to her? It is very important that you two work together on the problems that were in the marriage pre-affair, but she also needs to recover to the point where you both CAN work on those problems. And if you want the marriage, you need to steadfastly help her to do that.

 

Best wishes.

[Ladyjane14]

I do understand why I had the affair, but I don't know how I did the 180. If you think you know what was going through my head at the time, then more power to you - because I don't.

 

The fantasy bubble popped.

 

There's alot of real estate between the mindset of a WS and that of a FWS. Are we trying to make sense of nonsense now? And what do we gain by it?

 

H2T already knows he was WRONG. When faced with the imminent REALITY of losing his wife and family dynamic forever, it seems to me that he had a bit of an "a-ha" moment.... a full and total destruction of the fantasy bubble. Isn't that what we hope for when dealing with a WS who's been bogged down in his own perspective?

 

Now, I'll grant you... he's still got a ways to go. But, given time, I think he's got the stones for it.

He's showing impatience with the process on occasion, but he seems to be showing it here at LS, rather than in the home. which is also a good sign. He's thinking things through before taking action.

 

It's not wrong for him to want a better relationship with his wife, one where he feels prioritized as a full and equal partner. That's what he wanted before his affair, and it's still what he apparently wants. The way he addressed it before was to go out and get someone else. He escalated the problem instead of solving it. Now, he's going to have to deal with the fall-out of the escalation and THEN tackle the original problems. It's a daunting prospect, but I think he already knows that.

[Romeo Must Die]

I agree LJ. Throwing his quotes in his face isnt going to do any good, but it certianly helps me to understand what his character is inside of H2T. How easily it is/was for him to manipulate people and the art of deceiving them, and H2T certianly is a bullsh*it artist. I've seen it and so has many other LS members in the past.

 

LOL, There is never any logic to WS thinking, it's all a cluster fu*ck upstairs in the brain. However. If he had any remorse whatsoever, he should be horrified to re-read what he himself wrote last here August as I am. It hasnt even been six months since D-Day, more like four or five tops. What will another six months matter?

 

I can see the irony (and the hipocracy) because he had no intentions of reconcilling to begin with, not until OW popped his bubble and even though that is a natural part of the process, he still has no honest intention of R with his BW. You can only manipulate people through their trust. Its alot harder to fool people if they dont (or wont) trust you anymore.

 

She is reading marriagebuilders that means she is no dummy to the WS or the A or the R. She may very well be doing a 180! to protect herself from his BS. I say leave her be to do whatever it is she has to do. I'm sure BW knows him better than he knows himself.

 

He is setting the BW up (again) for the failure of the marriage. To ease the guilt process. History repeats itself because he does NOTHING to change it. All he wants is to bitch and moan. How unfair. Poor me. He hasnt gotten it yet. He wont listen to us.

 

Luckily for LS history and OW's emails, those words cant be easily tossed aside. History cannot be re-written. It basicly tells its own story. The other two sides of the story. It completes the entire picture for me. He didnt love his OW as he once professed. He had no love for his wife either. He just blames her for his lack of affection. He blames OW for being "psycho" well, thats just too bad. Easy come, easy go right?

 

And dont they all blame the BW, LJ? And dont we all know by now its what is lacking inside WS that cause this heartache for everyone, for the BW and OW alike?

 

I am not going to baby him and hold his hand. I will be gentle as possible with the OW but never with a WS. I think he needs a divorce. Its the jeopardy that will wake him up, shake up his little sheltered world he has created for himself. He wont listen to us. He needs to figure this out alone. He needs a big kick in the rear end. A divorce will accomplish that.

 

[Zathrus]

Man, Hard2Think, I spent almost all day yesterday reading your threads. I think I'm going to start a book about this subject. This is either the best troll in internet history or you are one complicated individual.

 

If it had been me, your wife would have been history very soon after she pulled that crap with your dad. And your story is the exact reason why I never cheated. All I can say is good luck.

 

But what I like the best here is the sanctimonious horsesh*t some of you people write here. Especially when you consider the backgrounds:

 

Klingon25 here spreads her legs only when her boyfriend stops paying for gas in the brand new BMW he bought her ..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1038638#post1038638

 

Great stuff! I hope you don't mind, but I just *had* to share that one with some friends of mine. That got to be best representation of modern day gold-digging hookerdom I've ever seen.

 

And Karma, she cheats on a 'sweet guy' and then divorces him as a big favor to him and the kids so you can marry a neanderthal.

 

Romeo, you're bug nuts insane. Looks like somebody dropped the ball with those reminders to take your meds. But I do love this post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103560/

 

I've been here only a week or so and damn if you people here aren't just the peach. I'm still looking through some of all your old posts. This is better than reality TV. Keep up the good work! (Don't you people have a 'thumbs up' icon?)

[Romeo Must Die]

Spoken like a true smartass !!!

 

Welcome to oz, Zath!

[Karma24]

Romeo Must Die,

 

YOU FREAKING ROCK!! I am so glad that besides me, YOU can see what is really going on here. H2T keeps jerking his wife around instead of DOING THE HONORABLE THING and divorcing her!

 

I said before that I noticed arrogance coming across in his posts. In fact H2T said early on that he should/could just pay for a call girl to meet his sexual needs, as if that were a respectful alternative to having an affair. WTF!?!?!?!? Like THAT isn't cheating????

 

I grew up with an extremely manipulative, narcissitic father who has a genius IQ. Scary. I can identify this behavior from a million miles away.

 

Hard2Think-you are abusing your wife emotionally. What do you suppose is HER motivation to stay married to you? She will likely get alimony, child support and custody of the kids. Her motivation to stay married to you is because she LOVES you. And you DON'T. Set this woman free already!!!!

[Karma24]

And Karma, she cheats on a 'sweet guy' and then divorces him as a big favor to him and the kids so you can marry a neanderthal.

 

Yep, you're absolutely right. And I am getting EXACTLY what I deserve. Let me tell you why. I have little emotionally to offer my spouse. Therefore, I have chosen a man who requires little emotionally of me.

 

Whether I was born the way that I am or whether it is a result of an unbringing where my parents are f*cked up, I don't really know. What I do know is that despite my best efforts, I could not change.

 

Over the years I saw a number of therapists and a couple of psychiatrists (you know, for good measure). I took anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Mind you, I did this for seven years after being married at the age of 19. I REALLY, REALLY tried to give my first husband the woman that he deserved.

 

In the end, I realized that despite all my efforts I could NOT change. Not that I didn't WANT to...I COULD NOT. I am a screwed-up mess. He deserved better.

 

I was the one to initiate the divorce and set my husband free and let him MOVE ON with his life instead of keeping him in emotional limbo the way Hard2Think is letting his wife.

 

P.S. One of the two kids is the neanderthal's.

[Romeo Must Die]

Aww, gosh! What a sweetie.

 

H2 is a serial cheater. Thats a ten pound bag of bad apples. What do you do with that? I was thinking about this again last night. The BW may have given him his second chance after the first affair and this second affair may have been her dealbreaker. I feel so bad for her. I can see how she may want to believe H2T and still have to doubt him. Plus he talks so badly about her. I wouldnt be suprised if she were aware of his postings and his double talk. I wouldnt be so quick to R with someone who I believed truely hated me.

 

See this post from Karma24, H2T? This person is truely remorseful. She has acknowledged the harm she has done and is willing to make the ~ u l t i m a t e ~ sacrifice to change things for the better.

 

She has put her husband first before herself and is doing her best despite herself. Shes not blaming her husband. She isnt demonizing him. Shes suffered and shes hurt without hurting anybody else because of it, or bringing another OM into the picture to use up, too.

 

Maybe in this life or even the next she will be blessed with a second chance, if and when she is ready for it. Thats how real karma works. You get what you put out there in life x3. For now she gave her second chance to her husband. That is selfless and admirable as it is truely heartbreaking.

 

Karma24 is the real deal. I think she totally rocks, too!!!

 

[JamesM]

And I am getting EXACTLY what I deserve.

 

What I do know is that despite my best efforts, I could not change.

 

I REALLY, REALLY tried to give my first husband the woman that he deserved.

 

Not that I didn't WANT to...I COULD NOT. I am a screwed-up mess.

 

 

 

Karma, have you started your own thread yet? I REALLY want to give you "a piece of my mind" ...totally in a good way. I disagree with everyone of the above statements of yours.

 

H2T, I have been with you since your beginning here. I have tried to give you some feedback that can be useful. And I have tried to keep all negativity and emotions from my posts because I believe this will not be helpful to you. So shall I try again.

 

As has been said, it hasn't been that long since D-Day. Much as I think RMD lets too much emotion and anger enter into her answers, I see that many of her posts do give you some feedback to consider. You have had two affairs...albeit your wife only knows of one. Your last one lasted for quite awhile and from what you have said, it was a reaction to all of the weaknesses and faults of your wife.

 

Now, you expect her to get over it in a few weeks, because she should obviously see the new you. I am guessing that once you told her, she would forgive you, and then change so that your marriage would become perfect. As the overused saying goes..."We are no longer in Kansas." Your wife has many emotions to deal with now that you have presented her with your affair. From what I read, this lasts a long time.

 

I have been emailing a lady for months whose husband had an affair. It was almost a year ago. And his affair was relatively short. He has bent over backwards to rebuild the trust he lost. He accepts all blame and expects no change from her. From what she writes me...not him, he has done everything and still does everything to rebuild his marriage. Yet she is the one who has to deal with the pain from his affair. She constantly has reminders of it. She has been very proactive. She has talked with the OW to better understand the affair. She has done what she can to learn to love her husband. And they have come along ways. YET she still has days where she cries at some reminder. She still becomes depressed and angry at some memory that comes back to her.

 

It takes time for the healing.

 

My suggestion to you is to become the perfect husband. Accept all of the blame. Your reaction to her faults caused your current situation. If you had reacted with communication and love, with time your situation might be different. Your wife is not perfect...no doubt. Yet with all of the things you say she does wrong, you still want to be married to her. You need to make a choice...do everything to become respected and loved by her, or leave her so that she can rebuild a new life with a man she can trust.

 

Time is your friend or enemy...your choice.

[Karma24]

Karma, have you started your own thread yet? I REALLY want to give you "a piece of my mind" ...totally in a good way. I disagree with everyone of the above statements of yours.

 

Thanks. I started a new thread.

 

I would like to hear what you have to say. I am not easily offended, so feel free to be brutally honest. I am always trying to learn and grow and change. I never had a blueprint and it has only been within the last couple of years that I feel like I'm really starting to figure out how some things work (or don't).

[whichwayisup]

The comments about H2T, noone can diganose online, most come here to vent, get help ... So what some think H2T is, or isn't, shouldn't matter. It's his life and eventually time will tell about their marriage lasting or not......At some point, they have to sheeyt or get off the pot. But until then, he should still feel he can come and vent away about whatever is going on inside his head.

[Karma24]

I have started a new thread.

 

I understand this is a place to get support/advice/vent. As the saying goes..."a smart person learns from their own mistakes, but a genius learns from the mistakes of others."

[whichwayisup]

And sometimes that takes time. I don't think it's fair to be bashing him that's all. And if you don't want to help him, don't comment on his thread.

 

I looked at your new thread, you may want to tell your story from the beginning so most don't have to go digging back into you other posts to string together the background information.

[Karma24]

Yes, I will re-post everything. I just can't do a big long post right now.

 

It may seem like bashing to you, but maybe that's what he needs. To me, that IS being helpful. Sometimes we all need a good "bashing" because we are living in la-la land.