Update

[whichwayisup]

I guess cuz the guys been real honest about his thoughts, and I've been involved helping from Day 1, when others jump in and let loose it just bugs me that's all. It's like another guy who used to post here, CO123 and his awful situation. (That you do a search on if you're interested.)

 

ANyway, I do know harsh advice is good most of the time.

[Romeo Must Die]

Hey WWIU, I see how hard you tried. You LadyJane, NoIDidn't and even James was there. And the cowardly lion and the tin man... they were there too. (lol just rolling along with the Kansas joke. No offense!) I read each and every one of your posts. LJ was the one who wrote his apology letter to his BW. I am never bunking your hard work but he is just mouthing the words and not making much effort.

 

A WS can have an "awakening" and then revert back to their former selves. Repeatedly. This affair business isnt for the weak of heart. That WS claim they have found religion and only then to practice only in serving himself. Persuing his own interests. Some of them a select few like H2T will never get it.

 

Just keep in mind that I wasnt the only one who seen this about H2T. There were alot of good (respected) people like Gunny and others who instantly figured out that he is moral slime. Read it for yourselves. Its all there in black and white.

 

The only thing that will change him, is HIM. Its just not happening. He talks the talk, but the bull**** doesnt walk. it runs.

 

This time thing is such an issue with him. He wants everything his way and he wants it ASAP. Even his remorsefulness actually less than remorseful, its more like a tolerance than a remorsefulness from this WS. Thats really bad for R. Its a grenade to the R and the M is already battered and wounded enough.

 

I like you, am totally pro marriage. If I can help someone R I will be there all the way. In the beginning, I tried the soft, sympathetic approach but sometimes it just gives them a few more miles of rope to hang themselves.

 

He also keeps bad mouthing his wife and he has to clean up his act or get over it already and just get divorced. It may just be a way to ease his guilt if he has a reason to divorce his wife. If she is a bitch, then that's his reason.

 

I may be angry and emotional but at least I am honest and I am straight with people. You dont see me here bad mouthing my husband do you. He has no respect for BW. That is another grenade to his R. I've been telling him and telling him that but he wont listen to sh*it people say and I'm not taking it back. Good luck with this WS, WWIU. You got your work cut out for you this time. I dont mean that disrespectfully either. I'm dead serious. This man needs serious help that we cannot give him and I doubt he can change.

 

[JamesM]

Thanks, Karma. You will hear from me.

 

WWIU, you have some excellent posts. I am also willing to guess that H2T or others can take "harsher" language from someone who has been here awhile and followed his thread versus someone who jumps in halfway. Interestingly enough, the more we post, the more we develop a "personality." This background info gives greater meaning behind our posts.

 

This is no offense to new posters, but it is something to consider. Every post we do is another picture of whom we are.

[Hard2Think]

Wow - I leave for a day and look what happens ..

 

First of all I just want you all to know that I welcome all comments, no matter how harsh you think they are. Harsh comments don't bother me in the least. Occasionally a harsh comment may have some truth to it - and sometimes it may not. Just the way it goes ..!

 

 

2Long,

 

Thanks for your comments. I did read the book you mentioned already. It's excellent, but it doesn't really speak of timelines nor does it really address this particular situation. What I mean is, the case studies they show seem to give the idea that recovery is much quicker than it is - which makes sense because in those case studies both partners made a commitment to work at it. But other than that, the book definitely helped me try and see her side of things.

 

As to the rejection - that was in response to someone who suggested that I had deliberately rejected my wife in favor of the OW. I know these things happen - where a wife thinks all is well and she loves her husband only to find out about the A, and then find that he still would rather be with OW. This board is full of those scenarios. I'm just saying that as bad as finding out about the A was for my wife - I cut off contact with OW immediatly. My wife never had to "pine away" for me while I was with OW. It's not like my wife was available to me and I chose OW instead. That's what I meant.

 

Karma and Romeo,

 

I'm sorry, but I simply can't relate to most of what you say. I read your posts more than once, but you both draw conclusions I don't know from where. I suspect that you've been through or are going through emotional issues now that you're projecting on to my life. Maybe you see me as your WH, or you want me to take a course of action you yourself regret. Who knows? But some of the things you say about what I'm thinking are just simply wrong. Anyway, I hope you both find peace somehow.

[Karma24]

If nothing else, I'm just curious as to why you think seeing a prostitute is somehow a respectable alternative to having an affair.

[JamesM]

If nothing else, I'm just curious as to why you think seeing a prostitute is somehow a respectable alternative to having an affair.

 

I will respond to that. With a prostitute, it becomes simply a business transaction. In an affair, there are emotional connections To many men...and women., the sex with an escort or prostitute becomes the lesser of two evils.

 

Many men use the same rationalization to repeatedly visit escorts.

 

IMHO, I do believe the prostitute route is the lesser of two evils, BUT neither are good choices. The better choice would be to try to solve the problem. Escaping to affairs or prostitutes is just that...escapism. Having been there in a sexless marriage, I totally understand the need to use prostitutes. However, this leads to as many problems as an affair if this "hobby" is discovered.

 

So, that is my answer.

[Hard2Think]

If nothing else, I'm just curious as to why you think seeing a prostitute is somehow a respectable alternative to having an affair.

 

I've never visited a prostitute in my life. What makes you think I'd be interested in seeing one now?

[Karma24]

I know you haven't, you were just saying that you could do it if you wanted to.

 

I brought it up because I think it speaks of your character.

[Hard2Think]

I know you haven't, you were just saying that you could do it if you wanted to.

 

I brought it up because I think it speaks of your character.

I did? But I don't get it .. can't anyone do it if they wanted to?

[Karma24]

"I really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often."

 

Sure, of course anyone could. But who in their right mind considers paying a call girl as the "correct decision"?

[Hard2Think]

"I really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often."

 

Sure, of course anyone could. But who in their right mind considers paying a call girl as the "correct decision"?

 

You're taking that way out of context. I was responding with some sarcasm to someone else. I was making the point that emotions play a big part in this, not just raw sex and pragmatic reasoning. The point was that by having full emotional detachment I'd be able to give the wife what she wanted which at the time looked like having a husband who doesn't bug her for sex and yet keep myself satisfied with a call girl. Obviously that wouldn't work out for me as well as it could for some people maybe.

 

You'll need to find something else, Karma

[Ladyjane14]

Wow... this isn't the first time I've been shocked at the level of animosity on one of H2T's threads.

And to be honest, I think ALOT of it stems from his having unceremoniously "dumped" the OW back on D-Day.

 

Oftentimes, I have to wonder if when we look at a post, we don't only use the 'lens of personal experience', but also the 'lens of gender'. That said, I don't think we can really understand H2T if we only apply the female viewpoint.

 

From the female perspective... he told two different women that he loved them. Then he dumped one of them without so much as a backwards glance. Hence, he must love neither of them. He must be incapable of love.

 

Sorry, but that's not going to make rational sense to a guy who has ALREADY admitted that in hindsight he understands he fundamentally LIED to the OW. His feelings were the equivalent of "pillow-talk". They probably felt real enough at the time, but when D-Day arrived... the bubble popped and he could see the difference.

 

That happens to alot of folks. Once a crisis arrives, they realize what their priorities are. Are we going to crucify him for FINALLY getting his head on straight?

 

He already knows that his coping mechanism is faulty. At this point, he'd benefit greatly by getting into some counseling and learning better communications and coping skills. He's told us that he's planning on doing just that, and I hope he follows through.

 

I've been reading from the beginning. And I've rattled his cage from time to time when I felt like he wasn't forthcoming enough too. My take on it... this guy got mad. He felt like he wasn't getting what he needed at home. Right or wrong, he felt like his wife was deliberately withholding emotional and physical intimacy from him. And in his anger... he decided that if he wasn't valued by his wife, he'd find somebody else who WOULD value him. Because what difference would it make to her anyway? In his mind his wife didn't love him and the relationship was unsalvagable.

 

It happens to ALOT of guys just that way. And we might not agree with their viewpoint. We might be able to shoot down their reasons like ducks on a pond. But if we take it at face value, rather than trying to translate it through a female lens... we see that it's just a big, fat, mistake, stinkin'-thinkin' running amok.

 

The MINUTE this guy became aware that his wife did, in actuality, really love him.... he backpeddled his ass off. That's because the bulk of his actions previous to her crying and falling apart on him like she did, was based on the idea that she DIDN'T love him anymore. It was based on information processed through his male lens. Guys simply don't understand how a woman can love them and not show it in a physical way. And I don't care how many times you tell them about "testosterone and estrogen, male and female libido"... they STILL don't get it. They can't feel the truth of it. They're more visceral than we are.

 

The OW got dumped because NONE of this was about her. H2T might have tried to convince himself otherwise... but in reality, she was just a means to an end; a way to feel okay with leaving the marriage he was feeling so unhappy in, a way to validate his manhood and to feel attractive again.

 

Yeah, it sucks for her that she got her feelings hurt. But from the cradle, we're told not to mess with married men. It was her own choice to defy these social edicts which put her in that position. This is not rocket science afterall.

 

And as it turns out, the OW had her own agenda too it would seem. Because when her wishes went unfulfilled, she turned on H2T quick enough, seeking vengeance for his failings. It would appear that in the end, she bore no more REAL love for him than he did for her.

 

 

On the matter of prositutes... this too is a good example of the difference between male and female viewpoint. Women, for the most part, are going to be MORE offended by their partner's use of a prostitute than by an affair. We don't like to be reminded that men can compartmentalize the sexual function to the point of having ZERO emotional meaning. From our viewpoint, if you can objectify one woman, what stops you from objectifying your wife as well?

 

This is how guys get in trouble. They aren't careful enough in verbally defining the emotional aspects of sexual bonding with the woman they truly love. If your woman starts feeling like she's just a "hole" to you... hey, you've stepped in sh*t.

 

 

Anyhow... 2long is right in that you need to pay just a little closer attention to any openings you find that will allow your to comfort and reassure your wife. It's weird, but in reconstruction... it's actually the one who hurt us that gives us the best comfort. Her doubts assail her everytime you're out of earshot.

[JamesM]

Thank you, Ladyjane! I know these words weren't directed at me, but they applied. And for that I thank you.

 

It was based on information processed through his male lens. Guys simply don't understand how a woman can love them and not show it in a physical way. And I don't care how many times you tell them about "testosterone and estrogen, male and female libido"... they STILL don't get it. They can't feel the truth of it. They're more visceral than we are.

 

If all women understood those words, then they could understand why we need that physical expression of love on occasion...some more than others.

 

On the matter of prositutes... this too is a good example of the difference between male and female viewpoint. Women, for the most part, are going to be MORE offended by their partner's use of a prostitute than by an affair. We don't like to be reminded that men can compartmentalize the sexual function to the point of having ZERO emotional meaning. From our viewpoint, if you can objectify one woman, what stops you from objectifying your wife as well?

 

Again, thank you. Now I do see that prostitutes may be more offensive. I have always thought...since I have never felt comfortable asking a woman...that a non-personal release would be better than an affair.

 

If your woman starts feeling like she's just a "hole" to you... hey, you've stepped in sh*t.

 

Oh so true. My wife said similar words to me during our darkest times. "I am just a hole to you. Any warm body would be good enough for you."

 

Again, thanks Ladyjane. Your words help many of us...not just the OP.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks James. But Lord knows... I'm hard-headed.

It took me damn near 10 years to figure all that out. And in the end, all that was ever required of me is that I stop using my own "lens" on it and accept that there are just some things I can't understand from a female POV.

[Kinger25]

Klingon25 here spreads her legs only when her boyfriend stops paying for gas in the brand new BMW he bought her ..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...38#post1038638

 

Great stuff! I hope you don't mind, but I just *had* to share that one with some friends of mine. That got to be best representation of modern day gold-digging hookerdom I've ever seen

 

Zath, you total prick. I DO NOT and NEVER HAVE spread my legs because my BF stopped paying for Gas for my car. What I was actually trying to say was that when I was somewhat younger, I made mistakes in my life which taught me great lessons and made me the better person that I have become Now. I love my BF with ALL of my heart and I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER Cheated on him, unlike some of the other Whores on here. So you can have a go at me all you like, but you know NOTHING about me. You obviously are not intelligent enough to read my post properly otherwise you would have realised that you are the one talking horse****. My BF has no money so I am hardly gold digging. We live on the breadline day to day. Dont EVER EVER reply to anything I post here again. I am making a complaint to LS about you abusive behavior, you have really upset me because you are SO SO wrong about me

[Romeo Must Die]

The OW didnt have an "agenda" except for what H2T promised her. Leaving was H2T's agenda. The OW may have gone about it in an angry way, giving his wife copies of their emails, but H2T was (in all ways) going to leave his wife, but when she realized that it wasnt going to happen, she got angry. She gave him a year of her life just to have the rug pulled out from underneath her. The OW was not a psycho, that is only what H2T would otherwise have you believe. It excuses his behavior, blameshifting to the OW, like he does with his wife, while he sits there and wonders why all the women are angry with him.

 

No man would spend over a year with someone who was psycho. No man would have left his BW & family for a psycho. She obviously had a nervous breakdown and confronted him and wether that is guts or stupidity, she wasnt a psycho.

 

Funny that you bring up WS anger LJ, you have a good point. A huge point. The WS anger is the esssential ingredient for an affair. I am going to have to make a new thread about this because I myself cannot deal with H2T and this back and forth business. This way, it wont appear to be personalized. His anger comes from within just as you said, but he plays this game with everyone and it wont be long before BW and all of us fade-out of his life.

 

THE ONLY ONE PROJECTING HERE IS YOU H2T

 

I AM NOT AN EASY TARGET

 

I AM A TIGER AND I WOULD LIKE TO EAT YOU : )

 

BUT WE MAY JUST BE ABLE TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS,

 

IT'S UP TO YOU TO DO THE HOMEWORK.

 

I do have this figured out. Trust me. I'm not a dummy when it comes to WS. I have lived with an H2T for three years of my life. I am reconcilled, but it is because me and my FWS did all the hard work required to do this.

 

Watch for my new thread. I just need some time to drink some coffee and think this through, because I want everything I say to be perfectly straight.

 

[Ladyjane14]

The OW didnt have an "agenda" except for what H2T promised her.

 

Sure she did. Everybody's got an agenda. The majority of our actions are chosen based on the forecasted pay-off.

 

Leaving was H2T's agenda. The OW may have gone about it in an angry way, giving his wife copies of their emails, but H2T was (in all ways) going to leave his wife, but when she realized that it wasnt going to happen, she got angry. She gave him a year of her life just to have the rug pulled out from underneath her. The OW was not a psycho, that is only what H2T would otherwise have you believe. It excuses his behavior, blameshifting to the OW, like he does with his wife, while he sits there and wonders why all the women are angry with him.

 

He's not the one who brought OW up over the last few days. We did.

And while I agree with you that "leaving" was his most likely agenda... I can't agree that OW didn't have choices about 'giving a year of her life to him'. It's not like he had a gun to her head. She could have opted at ANY time to remove herself from the triangle.

 

No man would spend over a year with someone who was psycho. No man would have left his BW & family for a psycho. She obviously had a nervous breakdown and confronted him and wether that is guts or stupidity, she wasnt a psycho.

 

How do we know if she is or isn't "psycho"? And what difference does it make at this point?

 

Funny that you bring up WS anger LJ, you have a good point. A huge point. The WS anger is the esssential ingredient for an affair. I am going to have to make a new thread about this because I myself cannot deal with H2T and this back and forth business. This way, it wont appear to be personalized. His anger comes from within just as you said, but he plays this game with everyone and it wont be long before BW and all of us fade-out of his life.

 

...Watch for my new thread. I just need some time to drink some coffee and think this through, because I want everything I say to be perfectly straight.

 

That'll give me something to look forward to while I'm getting my chores done. Great idea!

[NoIDidn't]

I am looking forward to the thread RMD.

 

LJ, I usually agree with you on most things, but I do think that RMD made a good point about his OW. Sure, she definitely had an agenda, but it was based on pillow-talk promises. But she is not the issue here, as is usually the case in A (sorry OW, but it ain't about how special you are or the great connection). He is. Hard2Think has the issues.

 

I was once told that there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, just unhappy individuals. H2T, it seems you and your W are two very unhappy individuals. Rs and Ms are like dancing. You two have been doing the dance of anger and withdrawal for so long it feels natural. It is up to one of you to change that dance. It doesn't seem like you have done anything to change it beyond accepting the fact that you stepped on her toes a couple of times.

 

Each time someone says to forgive his W of her past transgressions, we get "but she..." and "or she'll this...." and we get nowhere. Dr. Phil wrote an article in a magazine I have about New Year's Resolutions. It was directed to women, but it applies here. He said if you resolve to be a better spouse this year, YOU have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. If you keep waiting around for the other spouse to do something, you have nothing more than a standoff.

 

When are you going to end the standoff, H2T? Both of you are afraid of getting hurt AGAIN by the other. I am certain that it wasn't just the affairs that hurt your W. Since she isn't here to give her side of the story between you two, I won't assume. But I am sure that she also has her very own list of grievances that you haven't brought up here. You should look into it. Because once you get past the pain of the A, you have to deal with the issues in the M. And obviously, there are many.

 

End the standoff. Put your pride and hurt aside. Comfort your W. Be vunerable with her, you'll get hurt if you do - you'll get hurt if you don't. So why not do the one that might be able to heal the M? Put both feet back into your M. Value her feelings as much as your own.

 

This M is not unsalvageable, regardless of posters advocating D. I see two really hurting people who are afraid to trust each other with their true feelings. It can be better than either of you ever imagined, but you have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

[Romeo Must Die]

LOL okay LJ, I get your point. What I mean to say is that she most likely didnt intend for it to happen this way. He did promise her the moon. So, she is not the innocent victim, but neither is H2T. There are many reasons why the women in his life are mad at him, do crazy stuff whenever he is around. There is blood on his hands and we do have to go back to the affair to figure out what went wrong. I will leave it to the OW & BW to gently (or not so gently) explain it to him.

 

NID while you were writing this I was making my thread, guess what I called it... "Dances with Wolves" omg stop reading my mind. You know I hate when you do that.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

PS It does matter that he calls OW a psycho because he puts people down (ignorantly) to assuage his gulilt. Its easier to blame others for our mistakes, its alot harder to take the blame for ourselves.

 

[Hard2Think]

LJ,

 

Thanks again for your insight into this. You certainly do understand perectly! (I'll be spending the rest of the day looking for that webcam you installed in my house ..)

 

It's not that I'm impatient, I don't think. But I do believe that I'm forgetting the big picture at times, particularly when we hit a steep decline. It's like having a lightning storm coming and I'm already packing the dry goods, preparing my will, and formulating and evacuation plan wheras I should really just stay indoors until it passes, knowing these storms go away as fast as they came and it'll soon be sunny out.

 

So when she gets angry and especially when she talks about divorce, I'm already mentally preparing myself for the life of a divorcee. Where now I realize I just need her to vent until it passes. I'm trying to make this work, and I think in her own way, and at her own pace, she's trying also.

[Hard2Think]

NoIdidnt,

 

End the standoff. Put your pride and hurt aside. Comfort your W. Be vunerable with her, you'll get hurt if you do - you'll get hurt if you don't. So why not do the one that might be able to heal the M? Put both feet back into your M. Value her feelings as much as your own.

 

 

I think I'm doing that. I do falter in those times when she tells me she wants a divorce, wants me out of the housee and takes her ring off. Mostly because I think that's her final decision.

 

I don't think I've devalued or otherwise minimized her feelings during this time. When she tells me she still resents me, cannot trust me, or otherwise has a hard time - I always tell her that I can imagine so and that I'd be the same way. I've NEVER pressured her to "get over it", nor will I in the future.

 

And I'm not mad about any of her "past trangressions". I don't care about that. But I think it's important for her to know how I lived with that at the time. If I pretend she was fine pre-A and that the marriage breaking down was 100% my doing, then I'm pretty sure she'll be left with no explanation nor feeling of control over the outcome of our marriage in the future.

 

But that's not to say that 8 years of a difficult marriage followed by 6 months of this is easy to take. So sometimes I get frustrated. I don't take it out on her, though. I haven't threatened her, nor been angry with her for her feelings at all ever. But yes, I do come here and vent when I feel that way.

[Hard2Think]

THE ONLY ONE PROJECTING HERE IS YOU H2T

 

I AM NOT AN EASY TARGET

 

I AM A TIGER AND I WOULD LIKE TO EAT YOU : )

 

BUT WE MAY JUST BE ABLE TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS,

 

 

:lmao: :lmao:

[Ladyjane14]

Unfortunately... I didn't NEED a webcam. I'm in the BTDT club in alot of ways.

 

Take a look at that article I mentioned on the 'Dances with Wolves' thread, H2T. I think it'll help you with developing "patience" by making it easier to understand why it's so important that you take plenty of time when processing emotional data. You always seem to do better when you've stepped back and reevaluated. I think it'll help you see why that is.

 

 

p.s. to NID and Romeo... we'll have to take up the discussion of the OW on another thread sometime. Interesting perspectives.

[veronese]

H2T, I'm still not convinced you've got your heart in this. I wonder if you stay because you're someone who just doesn't like to go? You've been unhappy with your wife for years and from what you say, have been tolerating an emotionally abusive relationship with her.

 

But only you know if you genuinely love your wife and want to repair and save your marriage. Like I said before back in August/September, you're still in early days and it's time you got your head round the fact that it normally takes 2 years to work through the worst of the nightmare so you've got a way to go.

 

Speaking from experience though I can remember having a major meltdown round the six months mark which is where you are about now? That was the first time I seriously asked my H for a divorce.

 

I think it's a point where the harsh reality of living in a marriage without trust and full of suspicion, fear, pain and insecurity is worse than the pain of knowing your H has strayed. And it overwhelms you. I remember feeling so tired and confused I thought it was time to give up too.

 

My H was tired of it too and I think was sorely tempted by the thought of separating because he was pretty exhausted and demoralized with what seemed to be a never ending nightmare situation.

 

Like you we'd have good weeks, followed by bad. Hard as I tried I couldn't control my fears and sorrow and predictably lost the plot for a few days, a week or so when something triggered a return to obsessive checking on him or something he did or said compounded my lack of respect for him and made me think affairs or not, did I even like this man?

 

It's coming up to 3 years since DDay now and it does get easier. That said, I still have meltdowns periodically but they're less frequent though no less dramatic. I think the last time I asked for a divorce was just before Christmas!!?

 

I've noticed there's roughly 6 monthly cycles when things have been particularly stressful and usually coincide with busy spells or when I'm overtired. Half a year, one year, a year and half and so on, they seem to be natural points of reassessment.

 

I made yet another resolution at Christmas to take the next mental step forward and it's made everything a lot better. Just hope I don't regress! The way I've behaved at times has most definitely only made matters worse. You can get a bit carried away with being cold and detached and have to remind yourself to stop doing it before it becomes a permanent habit and you forget how to actually be nice to your WS.

 

It really has a lot to do with self-preservation H2H. To give up your heart at the risk of having the damned thing shattered again isn't easy; in fact it's very bloody difficult!

 

BW also have the additional problem of believing our WS truly want to be with us post DDay when we act, feel, look and become frankly very unattractive and unlovable individuals. Knowing my H strayed when I was a very loving and attentive wife didn't reassure me much when overnight I transformed into the exactly the kind of wife no man in his right mind would want!

 

He strayed despite not having any intentions of leaving me and although divorce had become an option in your mind when you were with your OW, when the chips were down and OW told your wife, you very quickly felt strongly about trying to save the marriage and remain with your wife.

 

Trouble is H2H the fall out during those months after DDay do not show BW's in a good light and we know it. I wouldn't have wanted to be with me that's for sure, and being so aware of the absence of any endearing qualities left in me and that if I thought I was a crazy unstable woman I could be sure he'd have noticed it too! Turning into the 'She-Devil' unexpectedly made me even more anxious and insecure. I would have left me if I was him, honestly!

 

Anyway, I guess we're still together because our marriage is still worth being in and there's enough love between us to keep that bond from finally breaking. From what you've said though I don't think your marriage has been healthy for a long time and that you haven't felt loved by your wife over the years.

 

If you really want to be with your wife you'll have to weather quite a few more storms. It'll be so hard for both of you for different reasons to get through them and both of you will feel like giving up.

 

It's up to you though and will take more courage and strength of character to get through than you've ever displayed before. You need to work on your own weaknesses H2H. You are inclined to criticize your wife more than I think you should in your situation, but ultimately if your wife really isn't someone you want to spend your life with, you need to recognize and accept the fact.

 

Take care

 

veronese