I like the simple life, girlfriend has different ideas

[confusedboy]

Let just say I've never been a ladies man, especially as a teenager. Didn't have my first girlfriend(gf) till I was 18 and I have only had 3 since (I'm 28 now ). Anyway with my past gf's I have tended to settle for whatever came along. They've never were all that demanding just happy to be with me. The current one is different. She is all I was looking for smart, motivated, has goals , good looking, etc... I guess I thought I would rise to her expectations and be able to fully satisfy her. The problem is I like the simple life.

 

Some Backround info:

I've always dreamed of retiring by 35 with an upper class income. I'm close to achieving that goal so I'd have to consider my business life is a success. I'm good looking ( though lacking style )

I like my job, going out for sushi, going out with friends for diner or hikes, walks, the internet, photography, video editing, gardening, dirt biking and going to condo in Hawaii, and of course doing the above with my gf. There are some other things but most of my time I spend doing this list of things. I'm not needy about things I do with her, we do things we both like together.

 

If there is one thing that really made my life more complicated was her spending habits. I had a joint credit card with her for 7 month, during which we went 6000 over budget ( It wasn't me and she knows that. ) No airfare money for Hawaii for the next 6 months. I'm now convinced credit cards are bad in the wrong hands. Since I didn't really want her to run up debt on her cards as well I told here to get a consolidation loan and get rid of those cards.

 

Is this asking too much?

 

We're engaged and getting married next summer so her debts will be mine as well. also she would like to have kids within two years, I am not sure if I am quite that ready yet. I do eventually want a baby ( she wants two instead of one )

Anyway for the last month I've felt that my idealic existence has been threatened. It has taken a toll. I think she may be willing to ditch all the credit cards, which is making me feel better. She says I'm treating her like kid and has been a bit cranky about things.

What I think I've learned is smarter gals are a lot more demanding.

 

Is this true ?

Is she too good for me ?

 

Looking forward to some opinions. This site is great!

[Raven]

I don't think that smarter girls are more demanding. I think each individual has flaws... hers very well could be the spending. I think that if she is paying the bill that she racks up... she's entitled to spend how she wants.

 

I had a bf that had MAJOR spending problems and he maxed out my cards... we are no longer together and i'm now stuck paying my cards. Oh well.. I learned my lesson.

 

As for the 2 vs. 1 child I think you guys really need to talk about this before moving forward. If you really DON'T want 2 kids this is important to discuss before hand.

 

You mentioned that this girl is a bit different from the girls you've dated in the past... have you been with this one longest? I think that people become comfortable in relationships and start showing their true colors... so you may be seeing things with this girl that you've never seen with past relationships... but whoes to say that your past gfs would not be similar had you dated longer.

 

If these 2 things are your only complaints in this relationship... I think you've got it pretty good. I think a good, sane, honest heart to heart would do a world of good. Maybe if you rationally pointed out that you want to save for early retierment and put things into perspective she'd really understand and ease up on the spending. As for the kid(s) you guys should talk, unless you're willing to bend.

 

Best of luck!

[Debster]

I don't think your girlfriend is too good for you. Instead, I think you have low self-esteem and think that you should be lucky to have someone you find smart, attractive and fun.

 

The person you marry should be compatible with your lifestyle. It's up to you if you think this is a big deal or not.

 

I've heard though that money is one of the biggest reasons married couples fight and divorce, so I recommend having a serious talk about it with her.

[Ally Boo]

Ok what it appears to me is, you were looking for a "trophy" girl, you got her, and she was looking for a man with money to spend. What girl wouldn't like to have a guy have a condo in Hawaii, she's the envy of all her friends!

 

I would watch it out, postpone the wedding til you get this worked out, and her spending under control. She very well could be using you...with innocent eyes and a smile. This is such a big red flag. Watch her reaction when you talk to her about her spending, that should show a lot about her true colors.

 

You say she's goal oriented, but she doesn't have your SAME goals....if she did, she'd be helping save the money and cut corners, so that you could retire when you wanted to, and WOULD have the money to go to Hawaii...not spend it like you are just printing it out.

 

I think you are blinded by who she really is. I learned from my ex husband....money can buy you a LOT of things, but it can never and will never buy you true love and happiness. That's why I left him, and everything we had....I was with him for the wrong reasons. You need to find someone who has already learned this lesson, and love you for who you are.

 

Ask yourself this....if something happened and you lost every asset you have, would she be there tomorrow helping you pick up the pieces? I doubt it.

[velvet]

Unfortunately for you, most women like to spend. Men who have more money will more than likely have a women that would want to spend more of it.

 

When you said you like the simple life vs/her, I imagined that she was something wild. I don't at all think that after reading your post. She is completely normal but she may not have recognized her spending habits. Depending on a persons income can determine how much they can spend. Material things can make people happy. I know I sure enjoy buying as much as the next person. Some may not know their habits and can create a tremendous amount of debt.

 

You have already had the talk with her as it seems. The credit cards are gone and if the debt concerns you that much, than decide on marriage after the debt is paid off. After she takes your name don't give her a card. Stick with cash.

 

As far as deciding on children that shouldn't have to be decided. I believe that when having children it is a celebration of the marriage. After having a child she may not want another or it could be that you would want a second child.

[aquarius]

Your post sounds very matter of fact. When you speak about your gf you don't show much passion or affection for her. Do you feel it?

 

$6000 over budget is a lot of money to me and I don't think it's very "smart" to get that much in debt because of shopping sprees. Is it truly debt or is it just "over budget". Perhaps she doesn't agree with your budget. She can do whatever she wants with her own money but she can't have her cake and eat it too.

 

If you are mismatched in spending habits, you are always going to feel like like her father, trying to control her.

[butterflyz]

similar to aquarius...where's the passion? your life together sounds like a balance sheet. i'm glad she's all you want, but it sounds like a relationship of convenience.

 

i, too, like a simple life. but yours doesn't sound simple. a condo in hawaii is far from simple. but i guess everything is relative.

 

the spending will get to you. you will eventually begin to feel used. you are already doubting yourself by asking if you are good enough. is this the only way you can validate yourself?

 

it's nice you are ambitious and obviously this is something she likes and uses to her advantage.

 

try cutting back on the lifestyle and see if that changes her attitude towards you. if she gets cold, run.

 

good luck.

[confusedboy]

In response to aquarius's question. The 6000 $ over budget is just that. I could easily pay for it out of my nest egg, but that's is not really the point. My worry is do do with if she can't stick to a budget, does it doesn't really matter how much I put into the checking account if the credit card bill's are higher.

We had a major discussion of the issues we're facing where essentially I told her there are going to have to be changes. I feel really bad making demands on her since as she says it 's unfair to want to change the person she is. I could just say it's over and move on but I love her. Although lately I no longer feel all that sexually attracted to her. Normally I'm able to overcome the fact that she gives no feedback at all and just lays there, but it just just doesn't work for me anymore. I guess it all the financial arguing. butterflyz and aquarius ask where is the passion, I guess the above explains it. And now I'm left with even a worse question is it right to marry someone when the sexual attraction has wanned. It might come back but lately she's been hounding me about getting the wedding music and other things booked and paid for. The wedding is still 10 months away. The venue plus catering is booked and partially paid for so there really is no reason to panic yet. Should I put a brave face on things and hope her changes are permanent or should we sit back and see how things go for a while?

 

At least we're facing the issues head on now. The one or two kids issue has been resolved as both of us being undecided. Ally Boo is right about the "Would she be there if we lost it all. No."

[quankanne]

basically she's looking for someone to foot her bills in exchange for letting you poke her, from the sound of your last posting. maybe it is unfair to want someone to change for the better, but when you love someone, you try hard to improve the areas that need to be improved, and you don't see it as a sacrifice!

 

seems to me that you ought to call off the wedding, cut off all the "perks" that she enjoys and see if she can get her act together -- not for you but for herself. Someone pointed out that you'll end up feeling like her daddy because you'll be bailing her out of financial trouble or providing her with expensive vacations and gifts, and that's just not worth having in a marriage, because you'll only make yourself miserable. If she's insists that you have everything in place for the wedding, chances are, she doesn't want to lose her financial backer.

[butterflyz]

not only is she $6000 over budget (in my wildest nightmares)...she also does not click with you on a sexual level. no offense, but are you nuts?

 

she is just plain using you. she probably has a guy on the side giving her a little "somethin somethin". she probably figures that the lifestyle is worth the lack of passion...but i don't see what you are getting out of it? can you please tell us?

[Grand76]

Wake up and smell the coffee. You'll retire by 35 and you'll be back working by 40 with your nest egg wiped clean. Either by her or your divorce attorneys. I've seen that happen. If you truly realize she wouldn't be there when the "financial backing" is gone what other signs do you need? If that's truly the case she's NOT with you FOR YOU, she's with you AFTER YOUR MONEY. You want the girl who'd be with you if you were flipping burgers in McD's... (That's extreme, but you get the gist.)

 

You mention her attributes. Does she work? Does she appreciate the value of what she spends?

 

I apologize for this upfront, but "no airfare for Hawaii for the next 6 months"? What's that? If I were in your shoes (financially) I could say that to my niece if she misbehaves, maybe. Probably she would start stomping her feet.

 

Some of us guys will hold on to the tiniest shred of hope in a relationship. That's not healthy, whether it's because of money, or unreciprocated feelings.

 

You mention you are a business man. You talk about money. Think these terms then: opportunity cost and option to abandon. They sound dry and calculated, I know. So does she.

[Guinness]

First of all - love and money do not go together! No shared credit cards, bank accounts or anything else that has to do with money! And you will have a stress - free life!

 

And then, it seems this girl is exactly what you ever wanted in life, how you imagined what the perfect "wife" should look/be like - but apperently she is not really who you are meant to be together with. Because then, you would not have these doubts and thoughts about calling of the marriage. It seems you try to fullfill some kind of agenda - (rather then really feel something for her, you might like her - but do you truely love her?) - but that's not how it works. Life's not always giving you what you expect and making you fall in love with the people you want to.

 

Hope that helps!