Family vs. Feelings

[CarolAnne]

Totally not sure what to do in this situation. I've been called selfish and disrespectful by my parents, and encouraged and hugged by my cousins in the same boat as me...

 

My granny has cancer and is dying. This is a woman who has single-handedly tormented several of her own children and grandchildren to the point of bulimia, broken self-confidence, and broken marriages. She is a constantly critical person who attack the slightest imperfections and even make up things to criticize about people if she happens to feel like it on a certain day.

 

My mother's response is just to try to joke around with granny, agree with her in front of other people and then privately tell me granny was wrong, or "just ignore it". My mom is also ignoring the hurt, pain, and absolute devastation that my grany's nasty behavior and unrelenting bashing of people has caused. There are people who will privately give you a pointer or two because they mean well, and then there are people who will grab you by the hair and accuse you of being a whore in front of a room full of Christmas party people, scream how fat you are and tell you to stop eating like a cow. The latter is poor old granny now dying of cancer.

 

POINT BEING... (sorry I go off on tangents)

 

My mother is very upset with me for not being more "sad" about granny's poor health. I'm sorry, but I am simply not sad. Just thinking about going to her house fills me with dread, a real dread where i start picking at scabs every other minute or so and my nails are already bitten off. What's sad is that my mom wants me to keep pretending, she wants everyone to play along and pretend we are all a big loving family and "follow the script". And my refusal to do that and be honest is causing major problems with my brother, granny's favorite.

 

So my question is, should I continue being honest, and not pretending to be overly sad or concerned with her deteriorating health, or just start lying for the sake of my mother and siblings? The only benefit i get from being honest is the satisfaction of total sincerity, when you can look in the mirror and know that what you feel and what you say are one and the same with no deception. Or is this selfish, and should I just lie and fake it for my mom?

[pricillia]

This is a tough one!

 

Care about your family and the feeling that they have, let them know that your Grandmother has scared you deeply and although you care about her pain, and can show compassion, you will not pretend.

 

Just be present if they ask, and also for you own sanity, talk to a counseler about this, the nail biting and the picking youself shows you are in so much stress. It may be hard to talk to your family about this without some clarity first.

[llgla]

First of all, I need to let you know that you're not selfish. If I were you, I'll just see grandma as a pitiful dying old lady. As a form of respect for her, I'll keep a straight face and be as quiet as possible when I'm in her house. If needed, I'll help out with things she needs.

 

If mum asks why I'm not tearing, I'll tell mum that this is my way of showing respect for an dying elderly. I'll say "there are different ways to be conceren/grief for grandma and I choose to keep my tears aside. Crying won't make her feel better. We can only listen and see if we can fufill her last wishes"

[quankanne]

excellent response, llgla – you can be respectful without having to lie to yourself or others about how you feel about someone.

 

for the record, I'm guessing that someone as bxtchy as granny must be welling up a lot of misery inside and inflicting it on others rather than dealing with it. To a degree, I see that with certain of my family members, and I've learned that the fastest way to disarm a bully is to call them on their bad/poor behavior. But that prolly just works in my family, because I know how the dyanamic goes ...

 

don't sell yourself short, CarolAnne. If you don't feel comfortable groveling, then just don't do it, even if it's expected of you. I imagine you'll get a heck of a lot more respect for standing up with dignity. If that sort of response draws fire, well ... then those giving you hell about it don't understand the concept of dignity in the first place.

 

also, don't let your granny's bad behavior circumvent any feelings of sympathy or sadness you may get from the knowledge that someone you know is dying of cancer – when you feel something like that, even for a dragon like your granny, it shows that you've still got goodness in your heart, that it hasn't been sucked out of you even by the selfish and cruel behavior inflicted by your granny ...

[CardPlay3r]

You see Carol there shouldn't even be a thread titled family vs. feelings, because your family is supposed to care about you respect and encourage your feelings...not try to get you to hide them and lie to everyone.

 

It's stupid really how much pretending is done for the sake of "looking good" in front of society lives can be destroyed when the pretense and sweeping under the rug get too much.

 

So you guessed it, my advice is to keep being honest ur gran certainly deserves no sympathy...if I were you I might take the stand at her funeral and say "I'm so glad she died, she was a total bit*ch" then tell those stories about her . Although, you might need a few drinks before getting the guts to do that lol

[bab]

How long does she have to live? If it isn't very long, I'm going to go against the crowd and say that you keep pretending. It's not for her, but for your mom. Despite what your granny might be to you, your mom is losing her mother. That is hard for most people. Whatever it takes to ease her pain is worth it in the end. Also, you want to keep up the relationship with your brother. If you through a fit over being kind to a dying old woman, you will be the one to look like the total b**ch, not her.