butterfly_kisses Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 If you live with someone and he is throwing things during a fight and punching holes in the wall as well, is this abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 I would say he has some anger management issues along with some personal issues. How long will that take him before his anger is turned on you? Is that all he does? Usually there's some verbal abuse thrown in there. I would not deal with such a person. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 They call it domestic violence for a reason. Breaking things in a house or parts of the home itself falls into this category. I also agree with Ipanca. People who do this have some serious anger issues. They have no control over their own anger. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Yes, that is abuse. When someone is violent, even if it is not directed at your body, it often has the consequence of making the observer (or victim) intimidated, scared, etc. If this is happening in your home, please be sure to call 911 the next time it happens. Trust me, the abuse most often gets worse over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 ...how often does this happen and what does the person he is fighting with do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author butterfly_kisses Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 The person it is happening to is me. The arguments start over his lies....he lies, I find out about it no matter how far down the road, and he gets pissed off, like I don't have a right to be pissed off that he has lied to me. When it happens, the fight just continues until I have literally cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I cannot leave. I have a job but I am 100% commission and have not received a check in 3 months. I cannot go to a shelter as I have 3 cats and YES they are the world to me and I would never EVER abandon them. I have no family remaining that I can go to. I have two friends who know the truth about what is going on....one is my best friend, he is married but his wife hates me so going there is not an option. My other friend is 1000 miles away. I have told him he needs help but he gives me the excuse he cant afford it. He doesn't look into his EAP programs at work. He doesn't change his insurance to one that WILL cover mental counseling. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I honestly don't know what to do at this point. What you need to do at this point is survive, plan and get ready to leave. I can't advise you to do something but have you thought of not calling him on his lies? It may be hard to bite your tongue and not say something but it may be a way to survive without fighting until you can leave. If money is tight in your commission only job maybe it would be better to take another job that will give you a regular paycheck. That way you can start to put some money away for when you leave. Counseling can usually be had for free if you can't afford it. What do you want counseling for? Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 BK, I know how hard it is to think about leaving (you can read my posts about my own messed up situation if you want). I make all sorts of excuses for staying with my abusive husband and I never leave. Your excuse is your cats. If you're still with your abuser in another couple years, your excuse may be a baby. Get a different job with regular paychecks, find a roomate, and move with your cats before you invest anymore time and heartache into your relationship (yeah, easy for me to say!). I know how logical this sounds (I've heard similar things regarding my situation) and how difficult it is to execute (I still live with my abuser). I think therapy is a great idea for you. It may help you better understand why you need to get out of the situation you're in. My therapist has helped me go from a reality where abuse was acceptable (to me) to a reality where it is completely unacceptable and acknowledged for what it is (by me - my abuser will never acknowledge the abuse). We're now working on my strength to leave him. My abuser lied to me, brain-washed me, made me feel inferior to him, made me feel guilty about everything I did and everything I did not do, etc. It only got worse over time, NEVER ever better. Eventually, he hit me too. He punched me in the face, in the stomach, and repeatedly kicked me while I was laying on the ground. I was terrified. Then he blamed me for it. Even though my husband is mainly a very skilled verbal/emotional abuser, he still beat me (twice). He also regularily holds me against my will for kisses and hugs (fun, eh?). Don't think a guy who lies to you and breaks things in the house won't eventually turn on you (my abuser never broke anything in the house before we were married - so yours is even scarier IMHO). When you're completely trapped (by marriage or kids or both) he will feel your weakness and perceived inability to leave, and he will likely beat you. Please believe me that it is a horrible way to live and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Most abusers are not able to change even with counseling. Please find yourself a nice, normal, non-abusive man to have a happy normal relationship with. If you're worried about your cats, contact the women's shelter in your area. Many abused women have pets and the shelter may know of a safe place for your kitties while you're healing and getting up on your feet again. Your animal shelter may also be able to provide you with some resources to help care for your cats until you can care for them yourself. Please keep in touch. Perhaps we can ispire each other to stop making excuses and to gain the strength to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I wouldnt say its abuse but , I wouldnt want to live with him, and u obviously dont. It sounds like ur counting on him for support though financialy. Look I relize you love the cats but you could probably give them away to some one. and if you dont want to do that just find a new job where u make money and rent a room some where that you can bring the cats. Your situation sounds bad but atleast hes not hitting you yet. as far as it sounds you dont like this guy any more so my sugestion to you is not to even call him on his lies and just treat him like a room mate obviously dont tell him thats what ur doing. Link to post Share on other sites
bklk1227 Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 If he's not willing to admit he has an issue - I would get out of there because as the other posts indicated, it will get worse. Even if he does admit it, he needs to get serious help/counseling so that he can understand his behavior. I would suggest splitting in any case. A true change would take a very long time and it sounds as if you are nervous and scared staying on. Since your job isn't creating any sustainable income, why not take the cats and head to your friend 1000 miles away. That may help you clear your head and get some help for yourself. B Link to post Share on other sites
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 If he's doing it to intimidate you, it could be considered abuse psychologically. Generally there are said to be 4 kinds of people: people who can soothe their anger inwardly, people who soothe their anger by expressing their feelings benignly, people who hold and conceal their anger without soothing, and people who express their feelings malignantly. Then I guess there are people who are combinations. He seems to be comfortable dealing with his anger in the 4th manner. Not everyone who does is physically abusive, but everyone who is physically abusive expresses anger in this way, so you need to be careful. He could be throwing things and punching walls because he doesn't think hurting you is an option OR it could be that he hasn't reached his anger threshold for hurting you yet. I wouldn't hang around much to see which one it is. Either he gets someone to help him deal with anger in another manner, or you should view him as a potential danger. Link to post Share on other sites
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