lydon Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 My wife and I have had a roller coaster relationship, from the start. Always fighting, verbally, occasionally within ear-reach of our two children. we decided to seperate over the weekend. She also has anger issues, from something in her past. I am a very patient person, but I've reached the end, of my wits. Everything that I have an issue with she blames on the ADD. Her daughter verbally abuses me, and she excuses this with ADD. When i tell her nicely to do something she attacks me physically. When i tell my wife she defends her daughter, and says that this behaviour is acceptable because she has severe ADD. I feel like I didnt stand a chance, and If i had known both my daughter, and my wife were severely ADDHD, i would have had second thoughts about getting married. i feel trapped Help
InsanityImpaired Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 A mental disorder explains why people behave as they do, but does not justify bad behavior. And your wife is using it as an excuse. However, the label ADHD does not cause the bad behavior by itself, especially if the person who suffers from it, seeks professional psychological care. Judging by your wife's behavior that is not going on, and she may well be dismissive of the idea that she is misbehaving. If your wife thinks behavior like that is acceptable, that is perfectly fine and dandy. If you can't accept it, then I am afraid that you only have the option to get out. And I see no reason for you to accept it, to be honest.
Curmudgeon Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 What kind of help do you want or expect? Only you can determine your own tolerance level. Did your wife know she was ADHD before you married her and simply "neglect" to disclose this to you? If that's the case then you have every right to be upset and even consider that a deal-breaker. My wife is bipolar type 2 but had never been properly diagnosed before we married. I actually did that four years later. However, she DID tell me she'd been plagued with serious, periodic depressions since age 12, one of which resulted in a serious suicide attempt two years before our marriage. Had she not forewarned me, knowing what she did, I'd have felt no obligation to continue the marriage. Since she was honest enough to disclose this facet of her past, I'm her greatest support. The disorder doesn't define her!
blind_otter Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 A mental disorder is never an excuse for bad behavior. it is an explanation and a motivation to change.
Curmudgeon Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Preaching to the choir, BO. One thing I've had to do, and done successfully, is set boundaries regarding my wife's behavior when bipolar episodes occur. There are certainly limits to what I will accept and she accepts those boundaries willingly. Of course, these have been discussed and agreed upon when she's not in the throes of a depression or hypo-manic stage. All it usually takes from me is a gentle reminder. It works for us. It may not work for everyone. For the record, a mental disorder CAN be an "excuse" (I prefer the term "reason") for "bad" behavior if it causes psychosis. Under those circumstances, the individual is truly out of control. Thankfully, that's rarely, if ever, an issue with a bipolar II.
Author lydon Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 During our courtship, she hinted from time to time, that she thought she may have ADD, based on information she read in a ADD workshop for her daughter.During conversations she is constantly interupting me, and trying to finish my thoughts, when I ask to speak she states, that I am not listening..even though it is I that is trying to express my feelings..In the end I just stopped expressing myself, knowing that she would form her own conclusions anyways. So for 3 years i have been biting my tougue, and listening, but the issues just seem to change, to suit her. We attempted to go for family councelling, but when the councellors suggested it was her parenting style, and that her expectations, and comunications would not yeild the desired results, she told off the councellor, and cancelled all appointments. Regarding her daughters abuse: This does not excuse physical abuse, on her daughters part, or on her part. Her birthday just recently past, and I was the only one to acknowlegde it, and stand by her side. She turned it around on me, and said that i bought the gift for my self (antique cabinet)- i don't even like antiques. I then asked her to go out and celibrate since everyone else forgot. She said that she was depressed, and not to take it personally, so i didnt. Three days later she starts screaming at me that i didnt care about her birthday.I was only trying to be there for her..in the back of my mind I couldn't figure out why a 30-something adult would care so much about a birthday.
LakesideDream Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Congratulations, your wife and step daughter have a 90's disease. ADD(add your own suffix), sprang up out of nowhere to devistate families, ruin lives, and line the pockets of the psyhe/med establishment. The world was full of healthy well adjusted people before the epidemic. Thank goodness the med. establishment found it in time to allow us a great excuse for bad behavior. Sadly, like most "diseases" of the mind, there is no cure. There is medication to zombify them if they will take it. That's something to look forward to, these is a good books available to help you. Go to the library and ask for "Care and Feeding of Zombies", and "How to Exploit Your New Diagnosis"... you will find both illuminating. Personally, if it were me, I'd pull the plug. You have no children with the woman, and the "*ucking I'd be getting wouldn't be worth the *ucking I'd be getting". Remember in this society in a domestic situation, if you respond to a physical attack with a physical response, you are guilty of a crime. In light of the violence you are facing, you are in a perilous situation.
InsanityImpaired Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 During our courtship, she hinted from time to time, that she thought she may have ADD, based on information she read in a ADD workshop for her daughter. It is easy to self-diagnose you with all kinds of psychological and medical complaints. It has even its own name as an illness. Why did she never bother to take the step and get a bit more proactive at the time? And why did you put up with the behavior, as she was "normal" then? We attempted to go for family councelling, but when the councellors suggested it was her parenting style, and that her expectations, and comunications would not yeild the desired results, she told off the councellor, and cancelled all appointments. I don't know whether the councellor was right. But it is interesting, that when her excuse is coming under scrutiny, she is not that interested in doing something about the ADHD - after all she could have gone to another councellor (which I assume did not happen). Regarding her daughters abuse: This does not excuse physical abuse, on her daughters part, or on her part. Another reason to seriously consider the effects of these relationship on you. If they are happy with what they are doing, and not willing to improve themselves, why are you there? To be an animate boxing bag? Abuse cannot be justified, and sadly it may become worse. I was only trying to be there for her..in the back of my mind I couldn't figure out why a 30-something adult would care so much about a birthday. Ummmm ... I would have a hard time blaming this on ADHD, if I had behaved like that. And even if it were caused by the ADHD, that does not mean that her behavior was justified. Can you try to bring under words what is holding you back from leaving? And what reasons you can give for staying?
InsanityImpaired Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Congratulations, your wife and step daughter have a 90's disease. ADD(add your own suffix), sprang up out of nowhere to devistate families, ruin lives, and line the pockets of the psyhe/med establishment. The world was full of healthy well adjusted people before the epidemic. Thank goodness the med. establishment found it in time to allow us a great excuse for bad behavior. Right. These same words would be used by a paranoid person who thinks the whole world but him/herself has gone insane ...
Craig Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I don't think that your wife or her daughter have actually had a proper diagnosis of ADD/ADHD by a person qualified to do so, have they? If your wife says her daughter was diagnosed ask her how the "experts" tested her. It can't be diagnosed quickly so if it was diagnosed in one or two quick visits to the doctor I'd be very suspect of the diagnosis.
Curmudgeon Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Congratulations, your wife and step daughter have a 90's disease. ADD(add your own suffix), sprang up out of nowhere to devistate families, ruin lives, and line the pockets of the psyhe/med establishment. By the time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM), Volume V come out in 2010, there won't be one person left on earth who doesn't have a diagnosable mental disorder. Did you know that this "bible" for psychiatrists and psychologists is underwritten by the pharmaceutical industry? No collusion or self-serving there, of course.
InsanityImpaired Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM) Sigh. That does not exist. Another expert on psychopathology I assume.
Curmudgeon Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Oh, it exists alright. They're currently using the DSM-IV Revised edition. Decidedly not an expert but periferally work in the "business."
Craig Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 Originally Posted by Curmudgeon Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM) Sigh. That does not exist. Another expert on psychopathology I assume. Whoa, hold on for a second kids. You are both sort of correct. II is right about the name but C is right in that many people in the business refer to it as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders.
boshemia Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 I have ADHD as well as two of my children and it has only caused minor problems in our lives. Seriously. I researched it thoroughly, and realized that ADHD really isn't that big of a deal. All it really means is that our brains are wired a bit differently, we are intelligent, creative, spontaneous, and just need a different approach to live sometimes. That's it plain and simple... All the real ADHD is is a brain that makes connections in a different way than the average person. I've learned that there are certain things that we should try to avoid (like anything that requires us to be focused and sit still for long periods, and honestly I am a space case, I am a whiz at problem solving and coming up with ideas but actually organizing them or following up is difficult) the important thing is to focus not on what we can't do but on what we can... ADHD is not an excuse for anything, and should never be allowed to be used as such. Yes I CAN lose my temper very easily, but that doesn't mean it is OK. I am still responsible for my own actions... and you are anyone else has a right to ecpect me to BE responsible for my own actions. That said... I'm not buying it, I've seen a lot of kids whose parents pushed the ADHD diagnosis, and I've seen the damage it can do. A diagnosis of ANYTHING is just the first step. You don't just find out that you have cancer and say oh, well then I can treat people however I want and do whatever I want because I am sick. You diagnose, then you educate, and then you implement... My suggestion is agree with her... accept her "diagnosis" and EDUCATE yourself thoroughly. It doesn't take much, there are tons of free websites on the subject... then hold her accountable for her own "treatment". The more you know about it the easier it is for you to handle situations as they arise. I have never been abusive either verbally or physically, I will not allow it because of the acountability I have to myself and others. I am a severe case as well... I am proud of the fact that I have ADHD, and that I can often see solutions to problems that my linear thinking loved ones can't see. I choose to focus on the positive aspects and minimize the negatives instead of the other way around... http://www.borntoexplore.org/addquo~1.htm Good Luck!!!
anna13 Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) I too have a problem with these diagnosis especially with kids , but regardless of that , it is supposed to be the lack of being able to concentrate and also being hyper. it doesnt have anything to do with her attitude toward you... and her daughter being able to totally disrespect you well that seems to be because she allows it . my hats off to ou for your patience with that ( some men would have took off a long time ago) . so what i am basically trying to say is that add and adhd has nothing to do with her anger issues and the way she attacks you and her daughter attacks you. If she is saying that it is the reason it almost seems like to me she is basically saying that she eats tripple chessburgerss 10 times a day because she is obese ( that was an example only ) just backwards. Congratulations, your wife and step daughter have a 90's disease. ADD(add your own suffix), sprang up out of nowhere to devistate families, ruin lives, and line the pockets of the psyhe/med establishment. The world was full of healthy well adjusted people before the epidemic. Thank goodness the med. establishment found it in time to allow us a great excuse for bad behavior.I agree with that statement completely.
Craig Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) ... ... it is supposed to be the lack of being able to concentrate and also being hyper. anna13, I have some questions for you... If a person with ADD/ADHD is not able to concentrate then how do some of them graduate from college and/or professional schools? Are all ADD/ADHD people hyper? If not why not. What are the main subtypes of ADD/ADHD? People with ADD/ADHD are known to have the ability to hyperfocus. If a person with ADD/ADHD can not concentrate then how can they hyperfocus? People with ADD/ADHD are known to be quite creative in dealing with life's challenges. What is the word most commonly used to describe the adaptation process employed by the ADD/ADHD person?
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 My sister-in-law and her daughter have ADHD. My SIL is a crazy bitch. She is very "normal" normally though. But god forbid if she doesn't like something or someone! She will do anything to destroy you, turn everyone against you, make up lies, criticize you about the things that SHE is guilty of... only if your existence doesn't suit her. These people have developed amazing abilities to organize their lives, sicne that was exactrly what they couldn't do when they were children and teenagers. This is very good for all the people with ADHD, but in my SIL's case, since she is a bitch, it makes her "perfect" and, in fact, she is a piece of crap, that's selfish, bossy, spiteful, mean, and manipulative. She is also very sensitive, vindictive, and obsessive. For example (and this is just the most recent one, but there are many), my mother-in-law wanted to make a party for her sons' 50th b/day and us the 3 women would organize it. SIL doesn't get along with MIL so she immediately decided to organize a party with me and not even invite the MIL. She jumped up right away to throw MIL out of the picture; it was so unthinkable for her to not be the boss of the party. Giving orders is her obsession. Gossiping is another one. She wanted to leave out the woman who gave birth to these men on their b/day party! I said NO to her. My husband told her we were not going to even attend her party. So now that we really punched her on the nose, I expect something really nasty from her. Knowing her, she will not get over this rejection. God knows what she will do. I am waiting impatiently to see the sh*t she will poop. While I believe that many people with ADHD are good and nice people, I think SIL is a bitch by nature, but the ADHD made her character flaws much more severe.
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 If a person with ADD/ADHD is not able to concentrate then how do some of them graduate from college and/or professional schools? The symptoms of the attention defycite fades away as they enter adulthood, right the time around college. Besides, have you heard of anyone with ADHD that ha sgraduated from some difficult college? Their minds so desperately want to cope with this attention problem that it develops inner, subconscious mechanisms to fight it. They manage to organize their minds in a way that they function even better than people with no ADHD. ADHD occurs because a certain part of the brain is irregular. It's congenital and passes through generations. Children with ADHD are usually uncontrollable and difficult to handle when they are little. Medications are very helpful. SIL's daughter takes med every day.
tweldy Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 I have ADD/ADHD and I'm moderately dyslexic. I have no problems with anger and I have somehow refrained from being abusive. Now the DSM is out of control and I'm not a psychiatrist, but your wife sounds like she's got at least ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) along with ADD/ADHD. About the DSM - these are arbitary desginations - categories to help create a grouping of symptoms. You can't do a test and prove someone has ADD or ODD or most of the disorders (although dsylexia you can - yeah Mrs. Murray, how do you feel about that now? (I guess I still have some issues )). It helps in determining what course of action to take with treatment - and that does have some merit. However, at least in part, these changes have to include the person's will to change themselves. Being easily distracted, being disorganized, needed some help with things is not the issue here. Being violent IS and that is NOT ADD/ADHD. Were I you I'd lay it on the line that your wife AND daughter admit to having a SELF CONTROL problem and get help fixing it. If not, you should be out of there before one of them loses it for no good reason and throws a pan boiling water on your or something equally horrific.
Author lydon Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 Shortly after I posted this message, I asked my wife to go to councelling, by her self, or with me. I am going by my self..for some personal reasons, and also to figure out why I chose partners like this..better judgment...and such. In the mean time we continued to live together although it was strained at best..this didnt last long..i have a son from a previous relationship (9yrs old)..that comes to our house every other weekend. The other day my wife tells me that she hates my son, and that he is the cause of her anger,..and the majority of our relationship problems,..i didn't agree..how can you blame a 9 yrs old, for someones anger...anyways..while I was sleeping..she went down stairs and began to scream, and swear at him, making all kinds of accusations..about him listening to our conversations from the stairs..i think all kids did this at one point in thier lives. I woke up to this crap, and yelled down the stairs for my wife to stop...light bulb went of in my head..time to pack up and go..this is not a safe place anymore..for either of us (My son and I). My wife leaves for the day, and I quickly begin to pack, and get my son packed...done...My son has a snowboard lesson that day so i decide..I will get through the day..and leave the next morning when i drop him at school, anyways thing get worse when she get home, so I left right in front of her,...i have not returned..it has been two weeks..i told her i could not do councelling without her...and that I need her to go for help, for her anger..or whatever her issue is...she refused...still to this day she refuses...we have not spoken period...only little nasty e-mails, that go nowhere...I am feeling a little vunreable with her in the house, and me staying somewhere else....why does she show no remorse for her behaviour,. why does she continue to blame a 9 yr old...how do I get this woman help..i do believe this is final..i just feel sorry for her 15 yr old daugther..stuck in that house...stuck with that person...
Sup Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 Is that YOUR house, or hers, if it was your why did YOU leave. Anyway, Divorce this woman, because she WON'T get the help she needs. You may lose out for leaving her, because that is abandonment, but, I don't know what the laws in your state are, please post soon.
Author lydon Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 I left for many reasons. A) my wife would not get help for her anger, would not go to councelling with me B) i am presently in court trying to get joint custody of my son- the situation appeared as if my som was the target of her anger- i was thinking of his safety first. C) My wife had no where to go- I had the use of my parents house while they are in florida- D) - the relationship required some space- given the escalating abuse, and anger. E)- My wife and I were not communicating productively- the stress in our house was to much for all of us. My first concern was for the children, that they be safe, and not exposed any further to the stresses in our house. I believe by staying there i was not looking after the best interest of the children--and that is my primary concern at this point.
Author lydon Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 On a positive note: My X-and I are going to settle out of court- regarding custody- no further stress is put on my son- it is showing in his behaviour. My present wife has agreed to go for help- even if the seperation, and divorce are final- she has finally decided to get help My level of stress is much less- makes me able concentrate on work, my son, and my health- time to put me first!!!
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