dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The variation in 'dry spells' is pretty interesting... I wonder especially about the differences between people who've spent most of their adult life in a relationship, versus those who haven't. Of course, it's a chicken-and-egg issue - you don't know if personality differences lead to different relationship patterns or vice versa. Anyway, I had my first relationship at age 23, which led to its own sorts of difficulties - one of which was that since I was so used to being alone, I was perhaps less likely to 'put up' with relationship problems and more willing to jump ship and go back to being alone. Of course, it probably works more often the other way - people who've been alone a long time could get more desperate. I don't know which way it works, but I might add that age and/or maturity are factors as well. For me, I have lived alone (by alone I mean without a partner, I have children and I am in a two year relationship) for four years. That is FAR longer than I have ever lived alone before. Doing the math just now, I had never lived alone for more than 8 months and I remember being miserable at that time. Now I don't really mind living alone so much. It has it's perks. I don't have to account to someone in a lot of ways. Sure, having children makes me pretty accountable, but I can watch whatever TV program I want, leave the dishes until morning, and spend money as I see fit without question. I have grown so accustomed to sleeping alone that I wonder if I could adapt to sleeping with my man moving and snoring next to me all night full time. I admit that I probably still have issues with being without a man, but I honestly don't believe I would feel as "desperate" as I once did. I feel like I am finally growing up in a lot of ways. I certainly don't want just any relationship for the sake of having one. It took a good one for me to see how bad some of the others really were. Just sounding off. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Well, lets see. I've been married for well over 20 years - and had one new relationship in that time - back in 2000. No sex and not an affair - but a great temptation! It was the butterflies and such and yes, hubby knew about it. I discussed a physical affair with the OM and also with hubby. I don't keep secrets. As for sex - I've probably got you all beat - we've been celibate for approx. 14 years now. It was not my choice in the beginning and it was not easy. Now its mostly his health (although we could be physically intimat if we wanted) but its just that I struggled so much and hurt so bad over the rejection and worked so hard to overcome the emotions that sex would be backsliding for me and would hold no joy now. I feel like I have somehow triumphed over sex. Link to post Share on other sites
TYASAFAHICSI Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Well, lets see. I've been married for well over 20 years - and had one new relationship in that time - back in 2000. No sex and not an affair - but a great temptation! It was the butterflies and such and yes, hubby knew about it. I discussed a physical affair with the OM and also with hubby. I don't keep secrets. As for sex - I've probably got you all beat - we've been celibate for approx. 14 years now. It was not my choice in the beginning and it was not easy. Now its mostly his health (although we could be physically intimat if we wanted) but its just that I struggled so much and hurt so bad over the rejection and worked so hard to overcome the emotions that sex would be backsliding for me and would hold no joy now. I feel like I have somehow triumphed over sex. Yes, you have me beat and I am sorry for youur situation. I am not sure I would call a 14 year dryspell a triumph! But hey it is your desire. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dgiirl Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Well, lets see. I've been married for well over 20 years - and had one new relationship in that time - back in 2000. No sex and not an affair - but a great temptation! It was the butterflies and such and yes, hubby knew about it. I discussed a physical affair with the OM and also with hubby. I don't keep secrets. As for sex - I've probably got you all beat - we've been celibate for approx. 14 years now. It was not my choice in the beginning and it was not easy. Now its mostly his health (although we could be physically intimat if we wanted) but its just that I struggled so much and hurt so bad over the rejection and worked so hard to overcome the emotions that sex would be backsliding for me and would hold no joy now. I feel like I have somehow triumphed over sex. Hokey, are you happy with your life or have you just become complacent with life? I ask because I too had intimacy problems in my marriage, and over time, we both became complacent. There was this huge elephant in the room and neither one of us wanted to talk about it. I tried a few times, but he kept reassuring me everything was fine. He tried in his own way too, and i kept pushing him away. Neither one of us talked about the real issues. Then one day he just walked out of my life. We wasted a LOT of precious years I wish I could have back, either by working on my marriage, or by working towards a new relationship. What's the point in just ignoring the problem? It wont fix itself. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 My longest dry spell is between showers. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostgurl Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 My longest dry spell has been three monthes, from October until Christmas when i went to see my bf. To be honest, i've never felt LESS sexual. It's weird how that works. It's like the less that i have sex, the less that i want it. Or i don't get aroused until I am in my bf's presence? Because when i seen him there was NO holding me back . I've now had more desire in the past few weeks, after that week spent with him than i've had in the first three months we've been apart. Hmmm that's something to ponder. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Since the onset on my "adult" life, this is the longest dry spell, but then again, I've only been with one person seriously ever, and even the non-seriously number is very very low. But I gotta say, as much as lack of sex sucks, lack of intimacy and that feeling of loneliness is WAY worse. But I know I won't be pursuing anything new until I feel ready, so I continue to be dry... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 There Are No Dry Spells. Its Not About Just Sex. For Me, The Last Time I Made Love Was Over A Year. I Only Want To Make Love With One Person - Do I Crave Her And Go Over To The Lust Side? Of Course. When U Have Been With Someone Like Her There Is Nothing That Compares. Would I Want For Years For Her - Yes When I Am In A Relationship And Healthy And With A Partner That Shares The Same Appeitaite - The Longest I Can Go Is 24 Hours. I Remember When We First Were Initamate And The Last Time To. To Be Honest, It Makes Me Sound Slutty But, If I Had The Go Ahead And She Understood What I Am About To Say - If She Showed Up Right Now I Would Want To Make Love With Her Right Away And That Would Be So Relaxing. Please Don't Tell Her This Because She'll Think I Am Just A Booty Call. But I Miss That Part Too. I Can't Wait To Move Inside Her And Have An Orgasm Inside Her And Have Her Have 5 Orgamsm ,,and Agahsgkashkshdsjhdjk She Has Always Made Me Feel This Way - I Am Totally Attracted To Her....i Do Know That When The Time Is Right, The Things That Were Troublesome Before Will Not Be There Just Talking About This Right Now Is Making Me Dizzy Secret - [sorry I'll Stop If This Is Pervy Ya Out] One Night She Came Over, Short Skirt, Leather Boot, Totally Looked Sexy And I Had Never Had A Woman Do That And I Gapped Out. I Would Play It Differently Now, We Would Tease And Flirt, Go Ut On The Town And Have Sex Everywhere - That Same Night Was The First Time A Woman Every Said The Word C-ck To Me And She Told Me How That Felt When She Said That - Man, I Was Just Not Ready For That - Dumbass - I Know I Made Her Feel Silly That Night But It Was Just Me Going 'is This A Dream?' Know I Say, Babe, Wow, Wicked, Bring It On And Lets Get In That Limo I Must Stop Thinking About Her This Way Now Its Not Fair I Haven't Even Seen Or Heard Her Voice In 5 Months So, I Am Blocking Out This Stuff And Logging Out Talk Soon And Stay Kewl Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 KittenMoon, Your day is coming, and it's coming soon. Loneliness is the nature of the beast, but your path is still the better path. IMHO, of course. Loneliness might be overcome, but it extends the length of time necessary to find the "one." Stay the course, I see great things in your future! Link to post Share on other sites
coco_milkshake Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 never mind lol Link to post Share on other sites
cutegirl Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Around 6-7 years. I went through a period where I swore off all men and trusted nobody because I felt the majority where all cheaters/liars... etc No sex, any intimate contact including kissing or even holding hands. Link to post Share on other sites
ponderingfar Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Well, lets see. I've been married for well over 20 years - and had one new relationship in that time - back in 2000. No sex and not an affair - but a great temptation! It was the butterflies and such and yes, hubby knew about it. I discussed a physical affair with the OM and also with hubby. I don't keep secrets. As for sex - I've probably got you all beat - we've been celibate for approx. 14 years now. It was not my choice in the beginning and it was not easy. Now its mostly his health (although we could be physically intimat if we wanted) but its just that I struggled so much and hurt so bad over the rejection and worked so hard to overcome the emotions that sex would be backsliding for me and would hold no joy now. I feel like I have somehow triumphed over sex. Hi Hokey Religions, I have read some of your posts and I guess you somehow inspired me that sexless marriage is sustainable. The rejection and self-esteem issues his coldness have brought me is terrible. Was in search of that anti-libido drug too...but now I do not think the act will give me any satisfaction of any sort. But it is not all about libido, it is accceptance and validation and the feeling that somebody wants and loves you, that I am not completely abominable like he is making me feel right now. BR Link to post Share on other sites
coco_milkshake Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Well I was with my ex this time last year and I only dated him for 4 months. So before that it was 20 years lol. Now its 10 months Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Nearly 20 years ago, when my second husband died, I was alone for a very long time. I was devastated. I *required* the time to heal. Becoming involved with someone would have only created an *emotionally-dependent* relationship that would have, likely, eventually, caused me (and someone else) even more pain. I think that, whenever *anyone* is recovering from an already existing emotional trauma or upset, it's best to remain uninvolved, romantically-speaking. You need the time to "clear the air", form the necessary scab and subsequent scar, and deal (undistracted) with the trauma. Then -when you're ready- start fresh. You always become a *changed person* in regards to any kind of healing from emotional trauma. It's best, I think, to wait for those changes to appear, so that you know what you have to work with, and what you have to offer. I hope this makes sense to you. It's the best answer I have. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Kittiecat Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 A year and a half after I graduated college. I moved back home, and living with the parents pretty much killed my sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 A year and a half after I graduated college. I moved back home, and living with the parents pretty much killed my sex drive. A year and a half? I'll be there soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts