Update about trying to leave abusive H

[MoonGirl]

Hi everyone,

 

Just an update to let you know I got my flat now. My mom and I are slowly moving in my things, and I hope to be out of H's house in 2 weeks. I don't feel nervous at the moment like I thought I would. I feel a sense of peace and relief. We'll see how long that lasts after I tell H. lol.

[CardPlay3r]

Hey that's great...hmm maybe you shouldn't tell too many aquiantances about it so he doesn't find out...

[MoonGirl]

I agree. Only a few of my very close friends know I have the apartment.

 

I took Thursday and Friday off of work this week to get it all set up. Emotionally, I'm doing well.

[MoonGirl]

Hi everyone,

 

I want to thank you all for your amazing support during this very difficult time in my life. You are all wonderful, caring people.

 

I left my husband yesterday. I am still not emotionally well, but I am feeling okay and know that I will be fine. I still have thoughts, "did I do the right thing?" Yes, logically, I know I did. But emotionally, it is not easy.

 

My 3-year-old is having a very rough time. She had a tantrum last night and another one this morning. She hasn't said anything about missing her dad, but was upset about her toys being in boxes and having to sleep in the same room as her brother. My 2-year-old didn't seem to notice anything different.

 

Again, thank you for your ongoing support.

[coco_milkshake]

Hey CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

 

Man I am so happy for you!! I know its going to be a bit hard on your kids but Im sure your 3 year old will get used to the surroundings - a change in routine does that to kiddies. Im glad ur 2 year old is doing ok though.

 

So when's the house warming party? I expect an invitation

 

Seriously though well done, this is a big step and Im not far behind you. We should meet up someday and celebrate together

[CardPlay3r]

I second the congratulations keep us posted on how it works out...and be prepared to expect your husband to be all mister nice guy when he talks to you and do anything to convince you to get back with him

[ponderingfar]

Thank you for your replies. Stockholm syndrome sounds like what I had and am overcoming. At this point, I am able to recognize what is wrong and I know what I need to do, and I no longer dislike those around me who are trying to help me get out of the situation I am in. A couple of years ago, I would have despised anyone who said anything negative about my situation, and, in fact, I lost a couple of good friends because they talked to me about how my H treated me.

Even though I know what I have to do, I am having a hard time with it.

 

Amaysngrace,

My H is sometimes a decent father, but never a good one. He mostly ignores the kids and has very little to do with taking care of them other than changing the occasional diaper (when I beg him to do it). Yet he is not nearly as abusive toward them as he is to me. I would say he is more neglectful than abusive toward the kids. He has slapped our daughter a few times, which I know is totally unacceptable. And he says mean things to our daughter often. But the kids both adore him. They run to him when he returns from work and they don't appear to fear him like I do. I guess kids almost always love their parents even if they are not the best parents. When I see how happy the kids are to see him it makes me doubt everything. I often think, "why do they love him so much when I hate him?" My lawyer and therapist both mentioned that the abuse toward the kids is likely low because I take care of all of the kids' needs and because the kids are still very small. They thought perhaps once the kids are bigger, more "human" and have their own ideas and opinions, the abuse will likely become more frequent. I'm not sure what to think.

 

Your idea about the women's center is good. I am also seeing a therapist every other week.

 

I have been planning on leaving. I have been looking at apartments. I could also stay with my parents, but I would rather be alone with my kids. Amaysgrace, did you move your things out before the day you actually moved out? I was thinking of renting an apartment and slowly moving my things. But I'm afraid I still wouldn't be able to go once most of my things were there waiting for me... H surely wouldn't notice me moving my things. He is oblivious to this kind of thing. He would only notice if I moved his stuff.

i completely identify with H being oblivious, things would just go haywire if I moved his gadgets. Sometimes I wonder too-when my husband goes out of town, my children looks for him. It is harder for me to leave because the abuse is not seen, it is just a torment lurking each and every time which my kids couldn't see nor understand. He is a doll to my kids so it is really a mental battle if I should leave for my own reasons or just tolerate this torment til my kids wouldn't be of need of a father and mother figure togethern living in one roof

[MoonGirl]

ponderingfar,

 

Have you tried individual therapy? It helped me come to terms with the fact that, even if my husband were an ideal father (which he isn't), he was far from an ideal husband. I did not want his behavior toward me modeled for my children any longer. Children learn what they see. If children witness a cruel and unhealthy adult relationship daily, how will they ever be able to carry on a loving, healthy relationship of their own in the future? There are many arguments against "staying for the children" when verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse is involved in a marriage. Eventually, your children will disrespect you because they see that your husband doesn't respect you.

 

It broke/breaks my heart to think of my son growing up to be an insulting, controlling, and generally abusive husband. My husband's behavior has already adversely affected my 3-year-old. She refers to black people as n*ggers, which makes me completely ill. She throws a tantrum and insults me whenever she is upset. And she can be very violent, kicking and screaming and hitting me when she is mad. All of this has to be unlearned, and a really hope it is possible for her to unlearn it.

[Audero]

Moongirl, I just joined the site, and caught your thread, being updated. I am so glad you found the strength to leave the abusive H. I was married for 20 yrs to a man who was emotionally & physically abusive, but stayed for my child's sake. I tried to hide most of it from my son.He never saw the really bad stuff. This past Christmas, my now 19 yr old boy told me that I should have left his dad sooner. He saw & "felt" how bad things were for me. Raising your kids in that enviornment is not good.

 

I'm glad you are out of there, and safe.

[MoonGirl]

Thank you, everyone, for your congratulations. The past 2 days have been very stressful, but bearable. I feel a strange mixture of relief, sadness, guilt, wonder, happiness, and fear. The strangest feeling is being able to do what ever I desire without any consequences from my husband.

 

Audero,

I'm glad you finally left too. I think kids sense what's going on even if they don't see it. In my situation though, my husband called me all sorts of names and beat me in front of the children.

I'm glad your son sees things from your point of view. You are very lucky because a lot of children of abusive fathers eventually end up abusing their moms too.

[CardPlay3r]

Hey MG has he tried to contact you yet? Or do anything?

[MoonGirl]

Hi CardPlay3r,

 

Nothing major had happened between us yet. He has called me 2 times to ask how the kids are, and has emailed me several times regarding our finances, cars, house, etc. I think the emailing is excessive and probably his way of seeking attention from me.

 

He doesn't know where I live, and I'm not going to tell him. Unfortunately, I need to see him during child drop offs and pick ups for now. Fortunately, he has only asked to see the kids one night per week starting next week.

 

I carry my cell phone all the time in case I have to dial 911. I don't think, however, he is going to do anything violent. He is mostly a verbal/emotional abuser and gets violent during heated arguments. He has never (I know...never say never) become violent without first having a heated argument.

 

H is pretty smart. I know he thinks that being abusive (verbally or physically) right now would only make getting me back harder. Based on his behavior, either he's lying low to see if I'll run back to him or he simply doesn't want me back. He might be relieved that I am gone. For him, the last year or more hasn't been much fun since I've had it with his verbal slaughtering. I'm sure he'd like to move on to someone new.

 

I won't have Internet access over the weekend, but I'll be back on Monday.

[CardPlay3r]

Yeah abusers are always the nicest in the world once you leave them trying to get you back...

 

Can't you do some sort of legal action to stop him having the kids at all? I'm sure with those tapes you have it can be pulled off...

 

Hmm is he capable of kidnapping and running away with them? Maybe you should take that into consideration also...

[VinaAmez]

Glad you left. Seems to easy. I assumed he would have tried to stop you.

 

But since he doesn't know where you live he may one day follow you. I had a friend who left her violent H and she had to be taught how to lose him because he would try and tail her. Not saying this is the case for you but if you don't want him knowing then make sure he doesn't.

[JamesM]

Congratulations....many women have tried, but you are one of the few who have had the strength to leave an abusive husband.

 

Keep us updated.

[ponderingfar]

Hi CardPlay3r,

 

Nothing major had happened between us yet. He has called me 2 times to ask how the kids are, and has emailed me several times regarding our finances, cars, house, etc. I think the emailing is excessive and probably his way of seeking attention from me.

 

He doesn't know where I live, and I'm not going to tell him. Unfortunately, I need to see him during child drop offs and pick ups for now. Fortunately, he has only asked to see the kids one night per week starting next week.

 

I carry my cell phone all the time in case I have to dial 911. I don't think, however, he is going to do anything violent. He is mostly a verbal/emotional abuser and gets violent during heated arguments. He has never (I know...never say never) become violent without first having a heated argument.

 

H is pretty smart. I know he thinks that being abusive (verbally or physically) right now would only make getting me back harder. Based on his behavior, either he's lying low to see if I'll run back to him or he simply doesn't want me back. He might be relieved that I am gone. For him, the last year or more hasn't been much fun since I've had it with his verbal slaughtering. I'm sure he'd like to move on to someone new.

 

I won't have Internet access over the weekend, but I'll be back on Monday.

 

My congratulations MG. In your case, reason to leave is clear cut (somehow easier said than done). In my case, sometimes I tend to think I am being selfish for leaving due to emotional abuse since this is something my children nor other people could see. The emptiness I feel is vague and is not concrete lest seen. I am starting to feel that the depression is taking and its toll on me already. How can I be a good mother to my children when all I am harboring are feelings of hatred, disappointment, frustration and regret. I feel I should suffer the consequences of making a hasty decision. Over and above the initial deceit he fooled me into, I know what INCOMPATIBILITY and IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES truly mean. My husband grew up alone, his mother out of the country and his father with another family, no siblings.somehow I could not blame him for being OBLIVIOUS, COLD, AND UNFEELING. I admire his first wife for leaving him even with kids, his first wife left him 9 months into the marriage. He deceived me about this, he only confessed about having wife and kids after he got me pregnant, since then I harbored nothing but hatred towards him.

keep us posted MG.

[Audero]

My congratulations MG. In your case, reason to leave is clear cut (somehow easier said than done). In my case, sometimes I tend to think I am being selfish for leaving due to emotional abuse since this is something my children nor other people could see. The emptiness I feel is vague and is not concrete lest seen.

"Abuse". When you hear the word, or read it, you probably think of physical abuse. As vile as that is, emotional abuse can be worse. While physical abuse is about injuring the body, emotional abuse is about injuring the mind, heart, and the soul. Tearing the other person down, stripping them of any self-worth. Making them feel as if they are a terrible person, who deserves to be treated horribly. This type of "beating" is worse, as it doesn't end when the fight is over, it goes on for years. Even after getting away from the person.

 

For a long time, I never used the word "abuse" when talking about my own situation. Couldn't. To me, abuse was about people who had physical scars, or were killed. Other than a scar under my lip, all of my outside wounds had faded within a week or so. So, I was hesitant to say "I had an abusive relationship". Not wanting to cheapen what others, in far worse situations, had been through. Besides, when the abuser convinces you that everything is your fault, things get murky. Is it abuse when I "deserved" it?

 

A good friend of mine, who had gotten to know me fairly well & had heard some of my history, finally made me use the word. Being a virtual prisoner in my home for 20 years. Not being "allowed" to go out without my ex along. Constantly being told how "stupid", "dumb", or "ignorant" I was. Not being able to have any friends. Only wearing clothes he approved of. And yes, being hit. Dealing with insane jealousy, and a possessiveness past the point of obsession. I had always made excuses, to myself. Well, he only does this because he loves me. The friend said, "That IS abuse". And finally, I was able to see it for what it was.

I hope you too realize this, and get out before more damage is done to you.

[ponderingfar]

"Abuse". When you hear the word, or read it, you probably think of physical abuse. As vile as that is, emotional abuse can be worse. While physical abuse is about injuring the body, emotional abuse is about injuring the mind, heart, and the soul. Tearing the other person down, stripping them of any self-worth. Making them feel as if they are a terrible person, who deserves to be treated horribly. This type of "beating" is worse, as it doesn't end when the fight is over, it goes on for years. Even after getting away from the person.

 

For a long time, I never used the word "abuse" when talking about my own situation. Couldn't. To me, abuse was about people who had physical scars, or were killed. Other than a scar under my lip, all of my outside wounds had faded within a week or so. So, I was hesitant to say "I had an abusive relationship". Not wanting to cheapen what others, in far worse situations, had been through. Besides, when the abuser convinces you that everything is your fault, things get murky. Is it abuse when I "deserved" it?

 

A good friend of mine, who had gotten to know me fairly well & had heard some of my history, finally made me use the word. Being a virtual prisoner in my home for 20 years. Not being "allowed" to go out without my ex along. Constantly being told how "stupid", "dumb", or "ignorant" I was. Not being able to have any friends. Only wearing clothes he approved of. And yes, being hit. Dealing with insane jealousy, and a possessiveness past the point of obsession. I had always made excuses, to myself. Well, he only does this because he loves me. The friend said, "That IS abuse". And finally, I was able to see it for what it was.

I hope you too realize this, and get out before more damage is done to you.

Audero, m glad you have gathered enough courage to leave! On the other hand physical abuse involves not only the injuring the body but the heart, mind and soul as well. hope everything turns out well for you

[MoonGirl]

Thank you all for coming here to check up on me. I am doing well! H has not tried to follow me and has not threatened me. He is well aware of the fact that I am completely done with him and that any negative comments or actions on his part right now will affect his ability to see our children. I made it clear to him that I will not discuss any topic other than our children with him, and only via email unless there is an emergency.

 

ponderingfar,

 

I can attest that the verbal/emotional abuse is far worse than the physical abuse in most cases. Although the physical abuse is frightening, it is not nearly as difficult to process because it is what it is. The emotional abuse is so confusing, especially when you're caught up in it. The abuser can warp your sense of reality so drastically that you have trouble discerning what is true and what is false. Like Audero, I know what it is like to be isolated, made to feel inferior, and blamed for everything.

 

Why should you suffer the consequences for your husband's poor upbringing? You're making excuses for his behavior, and, frankly, there are no excuses. Your relationship was built on a lie. Not only does your husband not fulfill your emotional needs, but he belittles you and makes you feel worthless. Verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse.

 

I know how hard it is to leave. It takes a lot of thought and an enormous amount of strength. I know that not every day is bad, and I know how easy it is to just let each day slip by without doing anything about leaving. If you make a decision to leave, we'll all be here for you.

 

Patricia Evans has written several books about verbal abuse, and I found them to be very helpful validations of what I had been experiencing. Individual therapy has help a lot too.

[MoonGirl]

I should have known it wouldn't be that easy...

 

Now H is telling me that he is planning on fighting for sole custody of the kids and keeping the house which he "paid for"...nevermind that I make the same income he does. Then the next minute he is threatening to move to another state and fight for joint physical custody (6 months of the year). His statements are all over the place. I know none of what he's threatening will become reality, but it is still so stressful to hear. I just want him to go away.

 

The anxiety today is overwhelming.

[coco_milkshake]

Remember they are just words. Sticks and stones and all that yeah? He knows he can still get to you despite being away from him so dont play into his trap.

 

In one ear and out the other - show him you dont care and he will get bored and stop.

[coco_milkshake]

Hey how are things? Has your daughter settled in yet?

 

Coco

[MoonGirl]

Hi Coco,

 

Thanks for thinking about me.

 

My daughter is doing a bit better. She is getting more used to our new flat, and we have been playing a lot of games, reading books, etc. She gets a lot more attention from me now because I don't have to spend all of my energy avoiding and/or arguing with my husband. I think she'll be okay.

 

Thanks for your advice on dealing with H. I just stopped replying to his emails unless they are about the kids. I told him that the court would take care of the financial stuff for us and that I don't want to discuss it with him. I haven't heard from him in about 24 hours, so that's good.

[ponderingfar]

MG and AUdero,

I would just like to say hang in there...

[princesspeaches]

I should have known it wouldn't be that easy...

 

Now H is telling me that he is planning on fighting for sole custody of the kids and keeping the house which he "paid for"...nevermind that I make the same income he does. Then the next minute he is threatening to move to another state and fight for joint physical custody (6 months of the year). His statements are all over the place. I know none of what he's threatening will become reality, but it is still so stressful to hear. I just want him to go away.

 

The anxiety today is overwhelming.

 

Based on what you said about his methods of choice in terms of abusing you, I'd say that this sounds like an attempt to get you to come back. My father did this to my mother. She fell for everyword and rushed back to him. He taught her a lesson that time and he ended up kidnapping me. Saddest part was that the court sided with him because he was older and had a better lawyer.

 

In my law classes that I've taken and the experience that I have with this, its been my experience that custody battles never go easy, and they go worse when there is abuse. If you have ever called the police and there is a record I'd use it to stop visitations. And just because he is asking to see the children, doesn't mean you have to. I wouldn't let my children go. I'd file first for sole custody with no visitations. I would have been a much happier child had my mother done that for me, and keep in mind children lie. I never ever told the truth about what was really going on, I was afraid of my father and we'll I knew my mother was too stupid to help me.

 

I wouldn't let them see him unless there was a court order. And before he gets the court order I'd get an order of protection for all three of you. Go to the police and tell them that You have plenty of reason to believe he will become abusive in the future, the question is how far would he go? I'm glad that you left him, but I'm sorry that you had to go through it. Don't let him get to you, when he says these things imagine that its like the teacher in charlie brown and all you can hear is that......