My husband and his coke use

[worried2217]

My huband admited to me about five months ago that he has been doing coke for eight months. The crazy thing is I never knew. But now I know the signs when he is high, plus he drinks with it, so that's another give away. The thing is in the last five months he has said he would quit then he would do it again. He went alomst four weeks and started up again. That was at the end of December.

 

I always call him out on it and we get in a huge fight and I tell him that I can't be with someone who does it and I will leave if he is going to keep on doing it. But I guess that's not a enough to get him to quit. I am almost 90% sure that he did it this last Friday, but I am so tired of fighting with him. So here are my issues how do I trust him, I am never sure if he is lying or telling the truth. I am trying to trust but my trust has been broken so many times that I don't know what to do.

 

The other thing is I am serious when I say I don't want to be with someone who does drugs. I know I can't make him quit and he needs to do it himself. But I thought by scaring him saying that I would leave if he touches it again would work, but I don't think it has. He makes me feel that our family and everything we have isn't worth fighting for. It just makes me feel like ****. I believe that I deserve to be with someone who doen't do drugs and wants to spend time with me.

 

So I feel lost in what to do. Do I trust that he isn't doing it or do I leave? But I feel bad what if he really didn't do it Friday and I am pissed off about nothing. I feel like I am going crazy. In my head my thoughts go back and forth, it feels like it doesn't stop ever. So if anyone has any advice or any words of wisdom are welcome. Thanks.

[jetsetjessica]

I think I might be able to put things in perspective for you.

 

See, if he is doing coke, which he is, you are powerless to stop him. He has to want to stop and he has to want to stop for himself. Sure, threatening to leave might make him stop so he doesn't lose you, but itd only be for a while, because he would be quitting for you not himself. Or pushing an ultimatum on him might make him become better at hiding it.

 

Unfortunately, I can't describe the feeling of a cocaine high in words, but I can say that when on coke you feel like everything is okay. Every problem just floats away, and you feel like you could die and it would still be alright. So to him (speaking of the cocaine user part of him not the one you know and love), you are trying to take that away from him. And chances are that is more important to him than you or anything else.

 

If you leave him, he will probably get much much worse. If you stay, you become an enabler, which means you unintentionally make it possible for him to continue doing coke. If you truly think it is past the point where he is going to want to stop for himself, then like many drug users, he may have to hit rock bottom for him to genuinly want to quit. Where rock bottom is, I don't know. but if he is too attached to the coke by now to have any desire to stop, him hitting rock bottom will have to mean losing everything important to him, a job, a place to live, you...who knows.

 

But what I can say is if you truly love him, and he does have to hit that rock bottom to get better, you can't be there for him. But once he gets clean, which he hopefully eventually will, I can guarantee he will come out of it a better person. No matter how horrible drugs are, there's something life changing about the experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

 

and maybe its not too late for him to want to quit, not likely, but possible. Express to him you are concerned about his coke use, tell him exactly why. Once he knows you are genuinly worried about him, you will know whether he can quit now or will have to have a big wakeup call to get clean.

 

Either way, good luck to the both of you, and I hope I could be of some help.

[RCliff]

You threaten to leave but you don't so he believes your threats are hollow.....

 

you should call the closest alanon and get involved so you can start making the best decisions for yourself.