Texan Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Well... dumb move on my part, I suppose... Finally relented yesterday and told a good friend how I truly felt about her... you know that smile you see when they are trying to smile but privately thinking 'oh S***'.... yep, that was it.... Told her I was not expecting anything... that I just had to get it off my chest... she was speechless. Said something about appreciating my honesty... we talked a little longer, chitchat... but she left pretty quick. So now I sit here feeling rather foolish... hoping I haven't destroyed what I think is a pretty damn good friendship. I have to admit I was suprised by her reaction. I thought I was pretty transparent but from her reaction, you'd swear she never had a clue... So... guess I'll just kick back and see where the dust settles. I'll let her contact me... wouldn't want to push it... if I don't hear from here in three or four days, I'll call and see if we're still talking... if not, well... time to find another friend, I guess. It just sucks bigtime because I really do have feelings for this woman. Will keep it posted... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 That sucks. Keep your chin up. A little advice for you: Sometimes women get speechless and run away when they like you so much that it overwhelms them. I recommend you send a couple dozen roses and a singing telegram to her office. And then follow her home after work wearing nothing but a trenchcoat. Show her what you really have to offer her, and I guarantee you'll see her crack. Hang in there, dude. I've stopped telling women anywhere, friends or not, how I feel about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I have to admit I was suprised by her reaction.... Why? Thats usually what happens why you try to convert a friend into a lover. Next time start out as a lover and forget about being "just friends" with women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Texan Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 Why? Thats usually what happens why you try to convert a friend into a lover. Next time start out as a lover and forget about being "just friends" with women. Would be nice if it worked that way, Porn Guy, but most of us over 50 (at least in the circles I run in) don't quite operate that way... Thanks tho. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Would be nice if it worked that way, Porn Guy, but most of us over 50 (at least in the circles I run in) don't quite operate that way... Thanks tho. no sweat TEXAN, then just keep on doing what you've been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 it seems as though your friendship is over.. but not from something she did.. from something you did wrong.. you took advantage of the friendship and forced her hand.. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Even if she did have a clue, she still may not have known what to say because she values the friendship, but isn't ready for anything more than that or just doesn't see you in the more than friends capacity. I know it sucked for you not to have your feelings returned immediately, and that still could happen, like johan stated, but I think it is unlikely. If you can actually be friends without anything more, I urge you to give her time (a reasonable amount based on the frequency of your contact) and explain to her that you felt you needed to say it. But it will be your responsibility to give her back her comfort zone. If she doesn't share your feelings, it will be hard for her to contact you without appearing to be interested in what you offered. It is hard to make the transition from friends to something more, and I applaud you for putting yourself out there. That takes a lot of guts and courage, but it doesn't have to end the friendship at all. It will be difficult for both of you to have that first discussion, but it's necessary to do some clean up work for the friendship to continue. You also could have planted a seed in her mind. Maybe she hadn't considered a relationship with you before, but she will have that seed in her head anyhow. She will know that it is a possibility if she chooses to pursue that. Good luck to you, Texan! I hope it works out the way you want it to. Don't feel foolish about expressing your feelings. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Even if it hurts sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 You also could have planted a seed in her mind. Maybe she hadn't considered a relationship with you before, but she will have that seed in her head anyhow. She will know that it is a possibility if she chooses to pursue that. when most women meet a new man they'll usually know within 5 minutes whether he'll be just a "friend" or a lover... Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 when most women meet a new man they'll usually know within 5 minutes whether he'll be just a "friend" or a lover... How do you figure? I can't think of one guy I have met and known with in 5 minutes that I would or wouldn't date him, you would barely know a person in 5 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 How do you figure? . I've seen it in action hundreds of times with myslef and friends....and the research studies back it up. Women make the "decision" in their mind within first 5 minutes of meeting new dude. They may not ending up becoming lovers for a month or a decade. But if he's put into "freinds" category early on then he will never get any sex no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I've seen it in action hundreds of times with myslef and friends....and the research studies back it up. Women make the "decision" in their mind within first 5 minutes of meeting new dude. They may not ending up becoming lovers for a month or a decade. But if he's put into "freinds" category early on then he will never get any sex no matter what. I don't think 5 minutes is enough for me to make that decision. Granted, sometimes there is NO attraction at all and I can pretty much put a man out of the lovers category, but often I am more attracted to a man's personality and values than physically. That takes longer than 5 minutes to determine if we click. People are too complex to compartmentalize a majority of them to extreme statements and/or situations. And where do you get these research studies you quote? I can't seem to find the right search engine words to pull up anything useful online. I honestly think you find women in general far too "simple" in many ways. We are complex! we come in lots of varieties and I would have thought that LS would have proved that to you versus disproved it. Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I don't think 5 minutes is enough for me to make that decision. Granted, sometimes there is NO attraction at all and I can pretty much put a man out of the lovers category, but often I am more attracted to a man's personality and values than physically. That takes longer than 5 minutes to determine if we click. People are too complex to compartmentalize a majority of them to extreme statements and/or situations. And where do you get these research studies you quote? I can't seem to find the right search engine words to pull up anything useful online. I agree with dropdeadlegs!! Porn_Guy, even if you can find this study that you speak of I am willing to bet that it is a small study and that it hasn't been repeated for validation. I have searched psychology journals looking for something of this nature and I am not finding anything. Could you show us where you are getting this information? Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 but often I am more attracted to a man's personality and values than physically. ha ha ha, that is such bulloney...most women like attractive men and if he has money thats a plus. This whole "myth" of women looking at personality and "values" is bull-oney. I honestly think you find women in general far too "simple" in many ways. . I disagree....I think i'm spot on. Womens evaluations of their own behaviours are biased and full of emotion and subjectivity. Porn_Guy, even if you can find this study that you speak of I am willing to bet that it is a small study and that it hasn't been repeated for validation. I have searched psychology journals looking for something of this nature and I am not finding anything. Could you show us where you are getting this information? I have read this stuff many times over the years from multiple source. You'll have to find them yourself. I don't have the time right now. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 ha ha ha, that is such bulloney...most women like attractive men and if he has money thats a plus. This whole "myth" of women looking at personality and "values" is bull-oney. I disagree....I think i'm spot on. Womens evaluations of their own behaviours are biased and full of emotion and subjectivity. I have read this stuff many times over the years from multiple source. You'll have to find them yourself. I don't have the time right now. I don't claim to speak for "most women", Porn_Guy. I believe I stated that I am more attracted to personality and values than simply physical appearance. Now, I may go against all of your so-called "studies", but no study finds 100% of all participants fit into a particular category, does it? Of course my opinions are based on bias, they're based on my bias as that is all I can speak of in definite terms. And if you would back up just one study, and you like to talk about studies, I might find it easier to accept that they are real and not just your personal opinions. I readily admit that pretty much all I have to offer is personal opinion and personal experience, but you have spoken about studies more than once on these boards if I'm not mistaken. Of course, I don't have time to look through your hundreds of posts either, but if I was stating something as a researched fact, I would put my hands on it very quickly if questioned. But that's just me; if I claim something as fact, I back it up with evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 You did the right thing, you vaued your friendship and decided that honesty was the best policy, you took a punt and it didn't pan out the way you had hoped. The friendship however should not be lost or damaged because of this and if it is then that is just plain stupid and immature. Friendship that is based on wanting more than friendship is dishonest. If you are prepared to accept that she sees you as no more than a friend (which in my opinion is worth a whole lot more than a possibe relationship) then you should allow her time to get past this revelation and then continue to build and maintain the friendship. I had a similar experience but from the receiving end. I have know let's call him Bob, for 11 years and about 3 years ago he says, have you ever thought about us being together. I told him perhaps once or twice but deep down knew we wouldn't be right as a couple. It is possible to love someone deeply but not be in love with them which is where I knew I was. He wanted more and asked if we coud try it, that he felt physically for me as well as everthing else. I told him no but to please let it not affect our friendship. We didn't see each other for about 6 months but still chatted on the phone every now and then, discussed reasons why it wouldn't work for us and why we were so good as friends. We are now really good friends and he has just gotten engaged. If the friednship means that much to you - over and above anything else then do the work etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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