Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Purely hypothetical here. Real facts will be revealed if necessary. Is there a way to repair the damage to a relationship when extremely hurtful, attacking things are said out of anger and/or frustration? If you're the one spewing the hurtful words, how can you repair the damage? What can you do to convince the person you hurt that you didn't mean it? Then again, if you said hurtful things, does that mean that part of you believes what you said? If you're the one hurt, how can you get beyond those hurtful words? Can you ever really forget? Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 An interesting question. I've said some awful things to family members over the years, and sometimes they've said bad things to me. However, we're all very close and love each other a great deal, and it didn't affect the relationships in the long-term. It was like the cumulative positive store of many positive interactions overwhelmed the negative impact of the occasional mean words. Romantic relationships and friendships are considerably more fragile (in my experience at least). I'd be much more sensitive and much less willing to forgive hurtful words from a romantic partner, because they haven't known me or loved me for as long. The store of positive interactions or positive words is much less, and I would start to think, "why am i with this person if they think this about me?" I don't think you can ever really forget, but if the relationship in general is strong, then you sort of set it aside, and stop thinking about it unless something happens (like another argument) that causes memories of hurtful exchanges to resurface. I suppose what's needed is time and a big store of positive interactions to outweigh the negative ones... Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Is there a way to repair the damage to a relationship when extremely hurtful, attacking things are said out of anger and/or frustration? Sometimes. It depends how damaging/hurtful/attacking those things were. If they were specific buttons that the "attacker" knew to be just that and pushed them anyway, I think that is harder to repair. It is harder to repair damage that was done for the sake of being hurtful and not in the context of the real problem/issue within the relationship. If you're the one spewing the hurtful words, how can you repair the damage? What can you do to convince the person you hurt that you didn't mean it? Then again, if you said hurtful things, does that mean that part of you believes what you said? First of all, you would truly have to be sorry and state that sincerely. It may take multiple apologies for that person to forgive you. If part of you believes the things you said, you may be able to state your beliefs in a way that is not so hurtful, yet still get the point across. If you're the one hurt, how can you get beyond those hurtful words? Can you ever really forget? Yes, you can if you believe the person either didn't really mean it or is at least truly sorry. As for forgetting, again I go back to a person's particular buttons. A husband once told me that he "didn't love me that way" anymore and i was crushed. Later he said that he said it to get me off his back in the middle of a serious argument. I never really told him of my complete fear of being unloved, my fear of being unworthy of love, so he didn't know that pushing that button would cause so much pain. I forgave him but I never forgot and never truly believed that he loved me after that. It didn't take long for the complete breakdown of the marriage. Some words can't really ever be taken back. Sometimes when being attacked I knew that the person didn't mean everything they said and that they were trying to hurt me anyway they knew how because I had hurt them in some way, whether intentionally or not. I have been guilty of doing the same thing. I try to think long and hard about saying something I will regret until I calm down and can react with less emotion. Same for asking questions I'm not sure I want to know the answer to. Hard to answer without details, but even with details you would get different opinions from different people because we all have different perspectives that are largely based on our pasts. Good luck with the relationship repair, whichever side you happen to be on. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Purely hypothetical here. Real facts will be revealed if necessary. Is there a way to repair the damage to a relationship when extremely hurtful, attacking things are said out of anger and/or frustration? If you're the one spewing the hurtful words, how can you repair the damage? What can you do to convince the person you hurt that you didn't mean it? Then again, if you said hurtful things, does that mean that part of you believes what you said? If you're the one hurt, how can you get beyond those hurtful words? Can you ever really forget? Wow-these are good questions, but the answers are contingent on the circumstances, words said and (also in my case) timing. Brief synopsis-I had a boyfriend who had a very hard time controlling his words when angry. I took a lot of verbal crap from him during our relationship, but oddly enough, I was able to get over those words because I knew that he really didn't mean them. However, my breaking point was one day last summer when he said awful things about me in front of his kids. I truly hated him at that moment. But I did go back with him eventually because he seemed very sorry, he apologized to my dad, kids, my siblings and to his kids. I don't want to live a life where I'm unable to forgive someone, so I took him for his word that it wouldn't happen again. And, you know, I believed him that he was remorseful. This Christmas he did it again. But this time in front of his kids and my kids. I couldn't let my kids (and his) think that anyone should tolerate that so I left with my two girls at 10:30 Christmas night. All the girls (save my 3 year old) were crying, and he had (and still doesn't) absolutely no remorse. His anger superceded everyone else's emotions and paints a pretty evil portrait of himself (IMO). So to try to answer your question; the one saying hurtful words--apologize and don't repeat. To continue spewing hurtful words to one you "love" says more about selfish justification than love. The recipient-let them apologize, but don't allow them to repeat. Really. How many of us here can bite our tongue and think before acting? The answer, I think, is most of us. I think we should expect the same from others. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Purely hypothetical here. Real facts will be revealed if necessary. Is there a way to repair the damage to a relationship when extremely hurtful, attacking things are said out of anger and/or frustration? If you're the one spewing the hurtful words, how can you repair the damage? What can you do to convince the person you hurt that you didn't mean it? Then again, if you said hurtful things, does that mean that part of you believes what you said? If you're the one hurt, how can you get beyond those hurtful words? Can you ever really forget? The thing about words is you can apologize for them but you can never take them back. I agree, do not repeat them ever. The best thing I can tell you is to read up on anger management. The best advice I had ever gotten is never react in the heat of the moment. Stay silent, listen, let the anger subside and walk away if you have to. Then come back later when you have your wits about you and address the problem. Words said in anger never lead to anything productive. Again, you can apologize but you can not take them back. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Is there a way to repair the damage to a relationship when extremely hurtful, attacking things are said out of anger and/or frustration? no, there is no way to completely repair it... If you're the one hurt, how can you get beyond those hurtful words? Can you ever really forget? time is the only thing that will minimize the effects... Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 These questions really got me thinking. I'm realizing that the forgiving I have done was a long time ago and I'm not that doormat anymore. The older I get the less tolerant I am in these matters. However the older I get, I am also more mellow and don't get ballistically angry the way I used to. Now I'm really confused:confused: I guess it would depend on the circumstances involved and how close I was to the person as to how forgiving I would be. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The older I get the less tolerant I am in these matters. However the older I get, I am also more mellow and don't get ballistically angry the way I used to. its impossible to be "less tolerant" and "more mellow" at the same time... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Purely hypothetical here. Real facts will be revealed if necessary. Is there a way to repair the damage to a relationship when extremely hurtful, attacking things are said out of anger and/or frustration? If you're the one spewing the hurtful words, how can you repair the damage? What can you do to convince the person you hurt that you didn't mean it? Then again, if you said hurtful things, does that mean that part of you believes what you said? If you're the one hurt, how can you get beyond those hurtful words? Can you ever really forget? Not only words, but actions!! Alot of talking, respect given, understanding. Again, action and showing that change happens and learning how to control oneself during an argument is important too. People do say things in the heat of the moment...And usually after there's so much regret. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 These questions really got me thinking. I'm realizing that the forgiving I have done was a long time ago and I'm not that doormat anymore. The older I get the less tolerant I am in these matters. However the older I get, I am also more mellow and don't get ballistically angry the way I used to. Now I'm really confused:confused: I guess it would depend on the circumstances involved and how close I was to the person as to how forgiving I would be. I agree-it is confusing. Tolerant can be a good thing, but should be exhibited from both sides........let the stupid sh*t go and pick and choose your battles (let alone where, and in front of whom). The only problem I have with is with someone you are 'close' to.........shouldn't they be more protective of your feelings. And if not, what does that say about them and the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 hey man...when strong emotions come into play all bets are off. I have done and said things in the heat of the moment that I never thought I was capable of. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 What I was trying to say is that I'm less tolerant of accepting a lot of BS in any relationship than I used to be, yet I am also better at not getting so angry that even the smallest comment gets me all defensive and I can let much more roll off my back. I won't be a doormat that takes that "I don't love you like that anymore" comment and forgive you and continue to love you. Say it to me now and you better mean it, because once a statement so inflammatory has crossed your lips, there is absolutely no taking it back. You can't throw darts and not expect blood. (Less tolerant) At the same time stating that my lasagna tonight wasn't my best effort won't send me into an angry diatribe and leave you dinner-less for a week as punishment. (More mellow) Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Say it to me now and you better mean it, yea thats more tolerant Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 yea thats more tolerant Read the two posts again. I said LESS tolerant both times. YOU said I "can't be less tolerant and more mellow at the same time." Even you have to admit that saying "I don't love you like that anymore" is completely unacceptable, even in the heat of an argument, unless you mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Apologize.. blame it on PMS or alcohol or whatever you can think of ... cry and swear you didn't mean it... but most of all - never repeat what you said! I forgive things like "bitch" or "you're unstable"... but I don't forget or forgive threats for a divorce and statements that make me feel like he is better than me. I say hurtful things, too. But we forgive each other at the end of the day... or week. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Brief synopsis-I had a boyfriend who had a very hard time controlling his words when angry. I took a lot of verbal crap from him during our relationship, but oddly enough, I was able to get over those words because I knew that he really didn't mean them. However, my breaking point was one day last summer when he said awful things about me in front of his kids. I truly hated him at that moment. But I did go back with him eventually because he seemed very sorry, he apologized to my dad, kids, my siblings and to his kids. I don't want to live a life where I'm unable to forgive someone, so I took him for his word that it wouldn't happen again. And, you know, I believed him that he was remorseful. This Christmas he did it again. But this time in front of his kids and my kids. I couldn't let my kids (and his) think that anyone should tolerate that so I left with my two girls at 10:30 Christmas night. All the girls (save my 3 year old) were crying, and he had (and still doesn't) absolutely no remorse. His anger superceded everyone else's emotions and paints a pretty evil portrait of himself (IMO). But doesn't that show that all those times you forgave him was a mistake? To me, it depends what you mean by hurtful, but personally I don't want to devote myself to a man who is so out of control that he can't control his anger/words. Link to post Share on other sites
brownguy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Apologize.. blame it on PMS or alcohol or whatever you can think of ... cry and swear you didn't mean it... but most of all - never repeat what you said! I forgive things like "bitch" or "you're unstable"... but I don't forget or forgive threats for a divorce and statements that make me feel like he is better than me. I say hurtful things, too. But we forgive each other at the end of the day... or week. ...............wow Link to post Share on other sites
Go_Chicago Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 In my personal experience, once my relationship had deteriorated and he essentially vanished for an entire month, I wrote ONE horrible email using an two line metaphor representing what I thought of him. After 10 months no contact, a new relationship that was 18 times worse, I sent a couple sentences of a sincere apology - I realized that I didn't think of him as this metaphor would suggest and that I truly insulted his character: I felt remorse. As for dealing with the hurtful words - explain why they were said so that the other person understands the context behind them. Yes, they can be true when said, but for different reasons than what either party may expect. i.e. the statement "I hate the rain", without context behind it could be inferred as "I love the sun" or "I hate the rain, but would rather have it than snow". You have to apologize for the right reasons (conscience). I was a lucky one and received a return email of "no worries and thanks - take care". Chica Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I know this is an older post, but I am in this situation. 2 weeks after my ex broke my heart she asked for friends with benefits. I emailed back, in pain, a long email; nothing was malignant aside from telling her she was selfish, but I feel the point was how hurt and confused I was that she would ask for that, and how insulted I felt. Surely she felt insulted by some of my words. 2 weeks later, I found that her previous ex asked for her back and proposed to her over Christmas, 1.5 weeks before dumping me. I found this out when I was drunk and sent a drunken email calling her lies and passive behavior pathetic. I even threatened to tell her ex about me in detail if she wouldn't tell me the truth. I regretted it and emailed an apology. It probably sounded half assed. I text messaged and apology. And finally, I sent a short letter truly expressing sincere remorse and FORGIVING HER for asking for FWB and for not telling me about her ex, among other things. I told her I needed to stop feeling like a victim and after calming down, was able to view her fondly and that I forgave her, and wanted her to forgive me for my irrational, innappropriate, and immature words and threat. I haven't received a response. I am hurt greatly I did not receive a response. I am embarrassed. But I did sincerely apologize. I did cross the line. I acknowledge I irrationally jumped to conclusions and acted aggressive and manipulative. Objectively, how I acted is not worse than asking for FWB after breaking someone's heart, or not telling your BF that your ex came back and proposed to you. I feel like I am owed apologies. I regret my hurtful words immensely and desire to reconcile, not for a romantic or friendship reconciliation, but for piece of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I know this is an older post, but I am in this situation. 2 weeks after my ex broke my heart she asked for friends with benefits. I emailed back, in pain, a long email; nothing was malignant aside from telling her she was selfish, but I feel the point was how hurt and confused I was that she would ask for that, and how insulted I felt. Surely she felt insulted by some of my words. 2 weeks later, I found that her previous ex asked for her back and proposed to her over Christmas, 1.5 weeks before dumping me. I found this out when I was drunk and sent a drunken email calling her lies and passive behavior pathetic. I even threatened to tell her ex about me in detail if she wouldn't tell me the truth. I regretted it and emailed an apology. It probably sounded half assed. I text messaged and apology. And finally, I sent a short letter truly expressing sincere remorse and FORGIVING HER for asking for FWB and for not telling me about her ex, among other things. I told her I needed to stop feeling like a victim and after calming down, was able to view her fondly and that I forgave her, and wanted her to forgive me for my irrational, innappropriate, and immature words and threat. I haven't received a response. I am hurt greatly I did not receive a response. I am embarrassed. But I did sincerely apologize. I did cross the line. I acknowledge I irrationally jumped to conclusions and acted aggressive and manipulative. Objectively, how I acted is not worse than asking for FWB after breaking someone's heart, or not telling your BF that your ex came back and proposed to you. I feel like I am owed apologies. I regret my hurtful words immensely and desire to reconcile, not for a romantic or friendship reconciliation, but for piece of mind. Wow, this sucks. I think many of us have been in your position. I have to tell you, though, that IMO the best advice to you is please, just let it go. Wanting that continued contact - whether her forgiveness, her apologies, her anything at all - is only hurting you. Expecting anything, feeling owed anything, wanting anything from her, is only holding you back from moving on. First of all, you don't need to keep apologizing - ESPECIALLY not when you're apologizing with the faint hope that it'll spark apologies on her side. But regardless, don't agonize over things you've said. It doesn't sound like it was unforgiveable; in fact, it sounds pretty reasonable, given the circumstances. What you wrote in your emails to her is not the reason she isn't responding; she had already made her decisions - and there's nothing you can say now that will get her to respond in a way you'll be happy with. So don't keep contacting her, hoping that she'll respond and provide "closure". Because nothing she can do or say will be able to give you the closure you really want, which is to move on from the crap she pulled. That will come from you. She did what she did, and it sounds like it was crappy. But you keep reopening your wound, and that's the one thing you can control in this situation. Just shut that door and don't expect anything from her, don't ask for anything, don't require her response for your peace of mind. No answer from her will provide that to you - only you can do that. And the surest way for that to happen is for you to let go of all expectation or desire with respect to her, and walk away in the other direction. /threadjack Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I agree that I need to let this go. If she gave me the exact response I wanted, I'd probably feel better about myself. But anything else and I imagine it would wound me. My last apology was sincere, but in it I forgave her. This was important to me because I needed to remove my "victim" or "f*cked over" label from myself. I know I can't blame myself for things outside of my control and I have no control over her. I feel she is a very passive, immature person afraid of confrontation. Bottom line, however, is it has been 6-7 weeks. I am NOT healed yet, but if she truly wanted to apologize, she had a chance to do so weeks ago. She's made the decision that she did nothing wrong and I overreacted. At least I don't say hurtful words within a relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
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