I Don't Feel Guilty

[Fiona]

Cheating is horrible and unfair, there is no escaping that. The people who cheat, and the people who continue to see people they know are in relationships are seen as immoral, selfish, and destructive people.

 

I have been married to my husband for 20 years now; this man is my soul mate and we are as in love now as we were when we met. I feel like I am living a fairytale. The truth however, is that when I met my husband he was already married to another woman. Although we had an instant connection we did not act on our feelings for 5 years. Those 5 years were the loneliest and most frustrating - and most WASTED - time of my life. Eventually we couldn't hide our love for each other and we had an affair. There were children involved and my husband was reluctant to put them through a messy divorce. Indeed, I was reluctant to become a Stepmom. But one day his wife walked in on us in their bedroom and it changed our lives forever. For the better.

 

I don't feel guilty that I helped my husband cheat on his wife; we were soulmates from the beginning and although it caused a lot of heartache at the time, our affair was the best thing that happened to all parties. His ex wife remarried and is now more happy than she ever was with my husband (we speak, she told me this only a month ago); his children have become like my own; and my husband and I are on a journey together that would not have been possible had we not cheated.

 

Some people will always see me as 'the homewrecker', and my husband as the 'cheating bastard', but sometimes the best things can come from bad situations. I just wanted to add a different view to this topic. I would appreciate any comments.

[shizngiglz]

Why, if you had an "instant connection" and you "knew" for 5 years, didn't he get a divorce during that time? (Oh yeah, he didn't want to put the children "through that". Gee Golly, isn't he so frickin' considerate! Instead he'll screw you right under his wife's nose and put HER, and the kids, through THAT, AND a divorce! BONUS!!)

 

Imagine how you would feel to come home and find him in YOUR bed with another woman!!!!

 

I assume that the children were quite young, otherwise (if older) they wouldn't be "like your own" now. They'd resent (and possibly hate) you for breaking up their parents.....Regardless if you both feel your soulmates, that's not how they'd look at it.

 

I understand that feelings change, and sometimes it's one-sided. But, he should've handled his 1st "problem", (being married to someone that he didn't want to be married to and having feelings for someone else) and then worried about getting with you. It's ALOT less painful for everyone in the long-run. That's why people consider cheating "selfish", because it is....he (and you) wanted what you wanted, when you wanted it and didn't care who you hurt to get it.

 

Actually, your pretty lucky....and his ex is a better woman than I. Because, if I were her, and I walked in on YOU, with MY MAN, in MY bed....You'd both be dead!

[Thoughts]

Everyone should try to make the best of what life deals them. Your husbands ex-wife was dealt a pretty low blow by you two. I am glad to hear that she has apparently dealt with it and things are working out well for her.

 

You may feel some relief by the ex's recent statements to you, but to feel no guilt over something like this is just plain scary to me. There is no doubt in my mind that what you (and your husband) did was wrong!

 

You can rationalize it in any way that makes you feel better but the end does not justify the means. Besides that, the end has not yet been reached. You do not know what is yet to come as a result of the past. For instance, you are still struggling with all of this. My guess is you always will.

 

People can and do live happy lives with numerous scars from the past including adultry, abuse and death caused by premeditation or negligence. Just because people CAN live happy lives in spite of these events by no means makes it OK for these events to happen. IT IS NOT OK!

[quankanne]

this is probably one of the most twisted and selfish letters I've seen posted on the forum, seeking justification for your actions.

 

how many lives have you and your current spouse destroyed? and how many more will you continue to wreck and ruin in the name of "being soul-mates"? if you feel good about what you've done, why come to us for comment?

 

one out of two every marriage in America ends in divorce -- given that fact, why should it be so important to sink to such a low point to prove your "love" for each other by letting his wife catch you in bed? surely there was a less destructive option to end your marriage, one that wouldn't have you trying to justify your actions 20 years later.

 

one final observation ... at what point does the cycle end? if he was cheating on his wife to be with you because he felt you "loved" and "understood" him, what's to stop him from cheating on you -- his wife? or vice versa?

[Ally Boo]

I agree quanke....I think you have spent these last 20 years trying to justify your actions...and now show it to us here. Why be with a man who doesn't have the balls to make a mature decision, as painless as possible. To think that you were his pawn. You ARE lucky that he actually did leave his family for you...and it's not suprising that 20 years later, everyone thinks all is roses...its WAY over with now. Except the fact that you're still fooling yourself, and spending every day trying to convince yourself that you didn't do an immoral thing. Cheating IS bad...but not in your situation. Are you nuts?

[butterflyz]

I have to say, I have experienced the feeling of knowing someone for a while and having feelings. But....I did not act on those feelings (almost). But I realized that I was being selfish (although they had a strange relationship). I didn't want to hurt anyone at that time (including myself) because I didn't want an affair, I wanted to be with that person. But, it worked out because he ended up not being the person I thought he was. So I'm lucky. I didn't do something stupid for someone who is worthless. I maintained my professionalism (work related), integrity and honor.

 

He ended up being a very calculating, cold cruel person who likes to play games. He has ended up putting me through a terrible game and actually thinks in the end that we are going to end up together. What an idiot. So I am very thankful that I did not enter into something with him.

[Debster]

Glad to know that you don't feel guilty about it because you are "soulmates". Wonder how you'll feel if later on you read a post about some woman falling in love with your husband, but rationalizing it as the two of them being "soulmates".

 

What goes around, comes around.

[valeiler]

Fiona,

 

I hope that by some off chance you will check your post someday and find this message... i hope that everyone else does, too...

 

i think you were trying to sensitively and intelligently offer a different perspective on a topic that quite a few members, including myself, seem to be questioning and analyzing and thinking about... i think you are amazingly brave for offering your story, and i think that yours is a perspective that could benefit many of us living as half of marriage that surely doesn't seem to be working.

 

ironic, isn't it, that had your story ended differently, many would be applauding rather than stoning you right now... had you and your husband walked away from this 25 years ago when you first met, he would have continued to live with an unsatisfying marriage, and you both would be living without the joy resulting from the companionship of soul mates... your unhappiness would somehow suit some members more...

 

circumstances really are everything - the fact that the situation presented itself, and the opportunity arose for an affair 5 YEARS before it actually happened says a lot about your will power, and a lot about your husband's love for his children and his ex-wife.

 

maybe some happy ground would be this - - should he have ended his marriage before entering into a physical relationship with you: yes. should his ex-wife have found you in their bed together: no. but, hopefully someone will come along and read your post - and see that it is very possible to fall in love with someone after you've married the WRONG person, and you have right to be with the RIGHT person, but there are better ways to go about acheiveing happiness than infidelity.

 

maybe the greatest lesson here is that true love can be discovered at any place - and at any time... but the pursuit of love does not have to hurt everyone around you - end the marriage before the love goes too far...

[eloise]

Hi

 

I can understand how you feel, as I also feel the same way about someone who is married being my soulmate. I can't stop thinking about him and feel that I will never meet anyone that makes me feel the way he does, even though I have never been in a relationship with him. I am terribly unhappy about not being able to be with him and share my life with him. I have tried various techniques to forget him and have no contact with him, but nothing works.

 

It's been 2 years since I met him and just can't forget him. I've tried to analyse why I allowed myself to fall for him, what the lesson of life is from this situation and still have not worked out what it is. I am sorry people are against your decision but I can understand the strenght of such a love. I read a book called `soul mates` which explained about real soul mates and the author believes once a person finds their soul mate they should follow their heart even if they are married.

 

In the past I used to feel the same way as the people who have replied to you, thinking it is not morally right, but only someone who finds themself in such a situation can understand how it really is.

 

Though I am not saying it was right to be caught in bed together by the ex wife as this must have caused her vast pain, and may have affected her psycologically for the rest of her life. I hope for her sake she trully is happy with her new love, hopefully she has now found her real soul mate as well.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

What are marriage vows for if you don't honor them? Just because you are married does not mean you will not be sexually or physically attracted to someone else. You're not dead. But taking vows require that you honor your commitment. When you got married you made the vow to pass up anyone else.

 

After 20 years of marriage, I don't see why this would still be an issue. Of course the children would accept you, and of course the ex-wife would have moved on....it's been 20 years!!!! Nevertheless, what both of you did was selfish whether it happened 5 minutes after you met or 5 years--the man was married, and you took something that did not belong to you (whether he offered it to your or not), but actually belonged to his then wife. Just because you had those feelings did not mean you had to act on them. Just because something feels right doesn't mean it is right.

And for Goodness sakes how many times do we have to tell women THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH!!!!!!!!!!! Women go and grab any man and don't think twice about it, like he's the last man on earth!!!!! You could have very found someone else to be your soulmate, because trust me, somebody else could have been. But I will say this, if you got involved with a man that was married, that says alot about his views on loyalty and faithfulness, and it says alot about yours as well.

[valeiler]

As with all things in life, every story that is told and every question that is asked here has another side that we, as anonymous conselors, don't get to see or hear...

 

It is essential to keep that in mind as we discuss a topic as sensitive and crucial as this. Marriage is a promise and a commitment, KD, I'll allow you that much. But since when has marriage automatically given one person the right to own another?!? (I thought slave days were gone...)

 

People enter into marriage for many, many different reasons. In some modern cultures based on ancient thought, marriages are arranged long before either partner is even old enough to consider the other in a marital way. Some people marry young - because they foolishly think they've seen all that life has to offer. Some marry old from the fear that the end is coming - and no one wants to even face life, let alone the end of it, on their own. Some marry because physical love led to a child, and it felt like the right thing to do. Some marry to gain power, some marry to look powerful. Some marry because they've been told they should, some even marry because it seems they shouldn't. Some marry because they want children, some because they want money.

 

And there, KD, is the story behind the story. How many of the scenarios above do you think led to strong, happy, lasting marriages? How many do you think were able to either hide their true intentions, or blind themselves to the true intentions of their partner by telling themselves that this was their SOUL MATE, their TRUE LOVE? And I'll guarantee you that a bad relationship is just stamped with an impending death sentence when one partner disrespects the other enough to think that they own them.

 

Perhaps in a day when both marriages and divorces are so easy to "get", we should all take a minute to shatter old opinions about topics that NEED and DESERVE a fresh point of view.

 

I'll end with this: Here's to all of us trying to remember that we can't usually see the other side of the coin, and we certainly can't predict the future - so lets all try not to stone each other for being broadsided by something we didn't see coming - - like love outside of marriage.

[quankanne]

true, partners in a marriage don't own each other, but in a healthy marriage, the couple understands that they must have a respect for each other and for their relationship to stand by it at all times. To go off chasing after "true love" or a "soul mate" just because he or she has caught your attention and has helped you "see" whatever it is you think you see suggests to me that the person just isn't mature enough to understand relationships or commitment.

 

I agree that there are some marriages that have no reason for existing (abuse, those based on falsehood, etc). Those are the folks who have real reason to get out of the relationship and find a better life with someone who respects them. Its the people who turn marriage into a McDonalds-type of institution because they know there's something "better" who a mockery of honest love. I write this with a former in-law in mind, who is working on wife number five, because he keeps falling "out of love" with the ones he marries, and therefore works very hard to line up the next "soul mate" before his divorces are final. Excuse me? That's love?

 

I'm just a cranky old chick who prolly needs to lighten up, but I think people spend way too much time looking for hyped-up romance without realizing that love and marriage are much, much more mundane than poetry and flowers and candy and gifts -- all the "fun" stuff. Relationships are about growing and learning -- how do you do that if part of your mind taken up with constantly looking for something better all the time?

[Donswa]

As a child of a broken marriage i would just like to say the reason you and your now husband were being selfish is because of the children. Whilst i personally believe marriage vows are sacred and should not be broken because i feel like loving someone else right now, once you knew children were involved you should have backed off and found someone else.

 

I was lucky when it comes to divorce, our parents did their best and fortunately i didn't have any abusive step-parents but it has still managed to affect my relationships with my partners until i realized that it was.

 

The sad part of all of it is what sort of children do we want to raise? Ones who can manage to justify any situation they get themselves into or ones who take responsibility for their own actions including getting married and sticking to it.

 

I just hope the kids involved in this learn from their parents mistakes and don't have the misfortune of following in you and your husbands selfish mistakes.

 

Donswa

 

P.S. you do realize that statistically the children now have a higher chance of divorce. I think all parents lead by example i just think that parents forget that.

[valeiler]

quankanne, you make such an excellent point, and thank you for adding your insight to the conversation.

 

i agree completely, marriage is about the partners' mutual respect, and respect for the relationship. most do forget that a relationship like marriage HAS to be about growing together, and forging ahead together. many do enter into a marriage expecting the benefits of "courtship" to naturally follow along, and the sad truth is that while poetry and romance should be part of marriage, quite often it is not...

 

and you made another excellent point, that a marriage cannot thrive if one partner or the other is always looking in a different direction, searching for something better.

 

i think what i've been struggling with, personally, and more what fiona was offering at the start of the thread, is a situation where you are in no way actively pursuing romance or love outside of your marriage, but through circumstance it finds you. all of this began with talk of infidelity of a physical nature, which i don't in any way condone or encourage. but i do believe it is possible that love can approach you from outside your marital boundaries, and just because you are committed to one, that does not in any way lessen feelings for the other.

 

people are going to find and read these posts, as i did, looking for some insight into what to do when you are haunted by a love you feel for someone other than your spouse. too many posts seem to be based on an assumption that holding an unpopular opinion on this subject indicates a desire to be adulterous, or to leave a spouse.

 

and that simply is not the case.

 

i think i've gone off topic a bit too much here, just wanted to offer a different view of this situation that might clarify my position somewhat. again, thank you for your insight.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Adultery is wrong in any circumstances, it doesn't matter how it happens. It's wrong. We try to sugar coat it by calling it a fling, an affair, it's just straight up adultery. And it's wrong because you made a vow to be faithful and loyal to someone else. I do consider the circumstance surrounding the things that lead people to cheat. And all too often we focus on the people that supposedly "fell in love" since love is such a wonderful thing, and not on those that were hurt by their acts in the process.

Adultery has left behind alot of emotional scars, and there is nothing good about that. Whether the marriage was having problems, on it's way out or what, no one is ever nonchalant when they find out that their mate has cheated on them. It's still devastating.

 

So many times we look at love as something that can't be controlled, or something that takes us over, and it just strikes anytime, anyplace, anywhere, and that's not true. Feeling that way is just an excuse to not control your emotions, and not be accountable for anything you've done. Marriage takes alot of work that people may not know about or that people don't care to put for the effort to do, and that's because we're so caught up into the "romance" and "passion" aspect of a relationship. When all of that begins to wane and you get into the everyday life, people think they've fallen out of love and they go and try to find someone else to have that "romance and passionately intense" feeling again.

 

In my psychology class, we've learned that contrary to popular opinion, emotions can be control. You can control who you fall in love with and who you do not. It's not something that just takes over you without you being able to control it. In fact, in my human sexuality class, they stress the importance of talking about sexual matters before you even engage in sex so that you are aware of issues with your partner and so that you are both aware of each others intentions. Most people don't do that. They think it takes the "excitement" out of spontaneous sex. But doing so is being responsible and not just letting yourself be guided by emotions. Mature adults do not allow themselves to be guided by just emotions. They take in what's logical also. I can understand a marriage going south. But if you feel that in your marriage, and it's something that can't be fix, the wise thing to do is to end it before getting involved with someone else. If this marriage was so bad, he could have gotten a divorce before he got involved with this woman.

[Iluvaj4life]

I think you are right. I am in a similar situation and it is good to see that sometimes things do work out. All I ever hear is bad things that I am wrong and he will never leave his wife and blah blah blah. I do believe good thing can come of bad situations. Thank you.

[Iluvaj4life]

"In my psychology class, we've learned that contrary to popular opinion, emotions can be control. You can control who you fall in love with and who you do not. It's not something that just takes over you without you being able to control it."

 

Than can you please explain how this can be done. I would REALLY love to know.

[quankanne]

maybe a more proper way of saying it is that "ACTIONS can be controlled," which in turn helps put a harness on your emotions ... because you know right from wrong, your feelings might not be so easily manipulated but your responses are.

 

as for you being in a relationship with a married man – well, whatever floats your boat. But, many of the posters on this forum will agree that before a person starts a romantic relationship, he or she really ought to be free and clear of the last one, which is why we have said time and again what you have with this married fellow probably is just a flash in the pan, especially when he refuses to get out of his marriage to devote himself to y'alls relationship. If this really is "it," he would not hesitate to do right the right thing and give up his wife completely to be with you, not string the both of you along.

 

I say he's got the best of both worlds – a wife to come home to and a sweet young thing on the side who believes the crap he's peddling. Wake up and smell the roses: if he really wanted to be with you, he would ditch his wife and concentrate on the relationship with you, not make the both of you a victim of divided loyalties. I guarantee, if you give him an ultimatum to chose either you or her, you are not going to come out the winner.

[TGauthreaux]

I cheat and I dont feel guilty.Im sure you people will say Im a dickhead but i dont care

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by TGauthreaux

I cheat and I dont feel guilty.Im sure you people will say Im a dickhead but i dont care

You're a dickhead.

 

Don't get married.

[meanon]

TGauthreaux: I cheat and I dont feel guilty.Im sure you people will say Im a dickhead but i dont care

 

You resurrected a thread from 2002 to tell us this? Why?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by meanon

You resurrected a thread from 2002 to tell us this? Why?

Search for his full name on Google, you will see that he enjoys telling people that he is apathetic towards cheating on his fiance. You'll also find some other things, which will lead you to believe that he's really just a twelve year old who gets off on being a troll.

[meanon]

Aaaah thanx dyer

[TheFaithfulWife]

Fiona,

 

Did you ever consider what you both did to the first wifes self esteem? Her ability to ever trust another man?

And what about the children, their example of a father is one who can't keep his pants zipped up even for their sakes.

 

If either of you had any moral fiber YOU would have refused his advances, and HE would have finished one relationship before starting another.

 

And guess what... You would have not have been considered a homewrecker and would have been able to stand up to everyone with dignity and be justified in doing so.

 

When I met my husband he was having marital troubles, though I was very interested in him I refused to even think about dating him until his divorce was finalized. He had no idea I was even interested until two days after he announced that he his marriage was dissolved.

 

There is a right way and a wrong way.. I have no doubt that I followed the right way. His exwife and I had a discussion about whether we dated before they split and I was able to honestly tell her no.

 

She and I send christmas cards to each other and we have traveled to Arizona to see her twice as her guests.

 

The FaithfulWife

[reservoirdog1]

Well said, Faithful. I had been married for seven years, a marriage suffused with TBXW's cheating, deception and lies. I got laid my first night in my new apartment after moving out of the marital home. I could have hooked up with that woman the night before I moved out, but decided that I was going to be the moral one right to the end. I did just that, and ever since my move-out three months ago, I've been glad I did. I walked out of that marriage with my head held high, knowing that I was faithful right up to the end, whether TBXW was or not.