getting married (very) young

[Guest]

hello,

 

i am looking for information on the financial aspects of marriage.

 

i live in brooklyn, NYC, USA -- so, my question is in regards to american laws.

 

here is a quick summary of my situation:

 

i am 19, my girlfriend 20. normally, i would wait until i'm in my late 20s or early 30s to get married, but it's a complex situation, mostly involving her insufferable, backwards, barbarian-like family. so, she is a very sweet, gentle, and sensitive girl with a rather rich history of abuse and neglect from nearly every relative. in short, if this were a civilized country, at least one family member would have been already executed -- yes, it was/is that serious.

 

granted, it is a little better now.. regardless, she has to put up with her mother's yelling, cursing, degradation, etc., mostly on a daily basis. it becomes especially bad when it's time to pay for her semester college tuition; her family is not doing too well, and her mother uses it as an excuse to lose her mind & go on a biannual rampage. furthermore, i am accused of somehow corrupting her because i buy her dozens of books & encourage her to continue her preferred major and passion in life: english literature and theatre. on the other hand, her mother would rather drag her down to the family's level and make the girl do everything except serious work. in short, the insecure woman tries, in many ways, to ruin the only person in the family that aspires to something more than alcohol and violence. whoppee!

 

i have offered her to move in to my house (or, rather, my mother's house) many times. my mother, grandmothers, brothers, etc. were all enthusiastic about it. at the same time, somebody in my family has to move out; whether my girlfriend moves in or not, one of us is planning on getting an apartment, as this one is cramped and cluttered enough. i proposed that i move out, and take my girlfriend with me -- in this way, she can go to college, do her work, and not have any interruptions.

 

also, she absolutely hates asking her mother or father for money; they make her beg, first, and then degrade her.. two weeks later, they give her what she needs. pretty terrible, eh ? so, her options are: 1) take out a loan, 2) get married & receive financial aid.

 

i figured that if she is moving in with me anyway, we might as well go through the marriage now.. i am not at all "sentimental" about marriage; i see it, and have seen it for a while, as a financial arrangement that should be done as soon as it becomes convenient. at this time, it is convenient; i love her deeply, but a relationship is, of course, much more complex than that simple, trite formula. so, my considerations are much more than "love," or anything similar; i am looking for a way to allow her to work, to go to school, etc. without suffering familial non-sense. most of the (inexpensive) rent of the new apartment shall be paid for by my mother, the rest of it picked up from my school grants and part-time work.

 

[*note -- she tried to work when she was in high school, and her mother, that fool!, made her quit her job; in this way, she could be kept dependent. again, this is typical of the jealous, power-juggling, greedy, and immature conditions of her family.]

 

it is actually far worse (and prison-worthy) than i've described; this was only the pretty side of things.

 

now, i understand i am young; however, that does not concern me. again, i am not sentimental about marriage.. i simply wish to go through school, start work (i plan to be a high school teacher), and move out with her. in the meantime, i'd like it to be as simple and inexpensive as possible -- a marriage would guarantee free tuition, and additional grant money for her. as for "distractions," i care for very little; i am not interested in girls, rarely see friends, and mostly sit in parkes, libraries, and read and write at home. that is it. so, with the typical "disturbances" out of the way...

 

what are all of the financial aspects of marriage ?

 

1) what does it mean in terms of familial independence ? for example, since i would not be listed as a dependent, and work only part-time, would i be considered "below" the poverty line, and entitled to the benefits/grants/etc. that come with independent, meager living ?

 

2) what are the long-term financial effects ? debt is not a problem; we spend very little, and mostly on books and food anyway. we are not interested in electronics, videogames, clothing, jewelry, etc.

 

3) insurance: even though we are young, would we be entitled to the same welfare-insurances we have now ? (we both have low or no-cost insurance that covers most things)

 

4) what would marriage mean, financially, to my family, besides their inability to declare me as an independent ?

 

i am turning 20 this august; similarly, she is turning 21 this august.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Guest,

 

I don't have answers to the questions you proposed in your original post. However, here is my advice.

 

Finance/Independence/Insurance: I strongly suggest you contact a consultant at the appropriate office in NYC -or, even, a lawyer. He/she will definitely guide in the right direction with regards to independence and marriage, better than anyone on this Love Shack board.

 

In addition, look into getting a loan. It will not hurt to explore your options -other than marriage itself.

 

Marriage: Deciding/choosing to marry your girlfriend is NOT the solution to the situation. Believe it or not, marriage will realistically complicate the relationship dynamic you have with your girlfriend.

 

Marriage in the early 20s, is not recommended. You and your girlfriend have a long life ahead -to learn, experience, understand, and improve yourselves through life's grand events.

 

The biggest mistake of your life, is IF you go ahead and marry your girlfriend at this age and point in life.

 

Since you truly care for her, then continue to support her in various ways. This is not the end. When one door closes, another opens.

 

Best of Luck to You,

Sand&Water

[milvushina]

When I got married at 23 this was actually a factor in deciding to get married.

 

As far as financial aid goes, you are an independent once you get married, and you submit yours and your spouse's tax forms to the school. If you are married and do not make much money, you should get a lot of financial aid. You can discuss this with counselors, I normally got anywhere between 500 and 1,800 in grants. You can also get subsidized loans that way.

 

So, my marriage did help out a lot with school. But overall it was an awful experience. Marriage just requires a lot of maturity and it usually doesn't end well when you go through with it really young. I know it is tempting, but I have discovered it is not at all worth it. Better to live together than get married. And I'm sure she could still get loans. Almost everyone has to, so I don't think student loan debt should scare you away from college. Or cause you to get married.

[tweldy]

I apologize for not trying to answer your financial question, because that is the information you're interested in hear, and I apologize for the unsolicited advice, but your fiancee (?) sounds like the victim of some astonishing abuse. I am not sure it matters if you marry young or not. I've heard arguments for an against this; however, you are marrying someone who likely has some serious issues that need resolving. At a minimum, I would be astonished if she didn't have complex post traumatic stress disorder. People can't just take that kind of abuse their whole childhood and come out just fine. She will need time to heal and likely some professional help. Seriously consider getting a marriage counselor to talk to you about your situation. I applaud your commitment to this young woman, but make no illusions - she is going to have a hard time for a long time and its going to be very hard on you. I wish you the best.

 

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