What would You Do?

[jl5099]

Hello everyone! I'm kinda new here but I really need some help (excuse the long post!!) Here's my situation - I got married at 16 to my husband because my mother is psycho and I needed out. 2 months later I got pregnant and we chose not to keep it (abort). Through out our relationship we have had many issues and trust has always been a big one. He's never trusted me and vice versa. However, I have been as faithful as you can possibly be in all aspects (we have separate checking accts, pay our own bills and I work fulltime to support myself). But early in our marriage he would go out with friends and specifically go see his exes. Move ahead a few years we built a house and had a baby. Move ahead a few more years got pregnant, had a miscarriage, tried again and had another baby. Now between the boys I caught him talking on the phone to a girl we both know using very inappropriate language (you're so beautiful, i think you're very sweet, etc.). He pretty much dropped talking to her and denied anything ever actually happened between them. Now after my last son was born we had another typical fight and he decided to not come home 1 night. So I looked up online where he was spending his money (we now have my name on his account because of daycare) and he had rented a hotel suite. I was instantly furious. Turns out he went to the strip club in our area a brought one of the strippers to the room. He denied yet again anything happened. But the room was rented for 2 nights and I just can't believe it. Well we tried marriage counseling for about 4-5 sessions and then he stopped going. We pretty much just let things slide for about a year. Well then I was online looking for xmas gifts and found a ring in a cart. So I got curious as to what he was doing online and found that he had been to about 20 different porn and online dating sites. Again I was furious. I couldn't even comprehend because they were so bad (all free, he never subscribed to anything that I could tell). He was looking specifically for young teen girls. My son's birthday is xmas eve and this was 12/12 or so when I found out. We had his birthday party planned for the 16th and I just didn't want to stress myself out over the holidays and his birthday. But the Friday night before my sons party we went out drinking (I really needed to get drunk to even deal with him at the time!!) Well when I drink, I talk and I just couldn't hold it in. He denied he was doing anyting wrong and that all the girls were of age. All I could do was tell him how disgusted and repulsed the whole thing made me. I have never done anything to him to lose trust and this is the respect I get. He apologized, said I was right and things have just kinda been going since all of this. Now here I am a complete wreck, feeling depressed, lonely, heartbroken, pissed off, pretty much worthless and yet I don't want to leave because of our children and the fact I have absolutely no support structure If I do. I don't want my children to be raised in a broken home Like I was, but in the same respect I want to be able to trust my husband and vice versa. I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has any advice - good or bad what you would do. Is it really okay to stay for the sake of the kids? They do see what's happening, but we are pretty good at hiding it when it matters too. We are also coming up on our 12 year anniversary in May. Help!!!!

[dropdeadlegs]

For me, personally, I couldn't remain with him in light of his continued behavior. I'm very forgiving in most areas, but lack of trust/respect/fidelity is the area I have to draw the line.

 

My children live in a "broken home" and I believe they are happier seeing me happy. It is much easier to be happy and a good parent when not involved in constant struggles of that nature. My struggles were not the same (no online dating searches or perceived cheating) but struggles are struggles and they affect the whole family in a negative way.

 

A support system is great to have, but I have no family here and only a handful of friends I would rely on at all. My biggest supporter was me, knowing that I was making the right choices for me and my own sanity. I have a lot of difficulty asking for help from others and rarely do that. It can be overwhelming, but I don't like to be "needy" and really should just get over that.

 

That is just my opinion, you have to walk in your shoes and it is not for me to know what is tolerable.

[quankanne]

He denied he was doing anyting wrong and that all the girls were of age.

 

yeah, right ... that's like telling the judge, "Yes, I did stab him, but the knife was clean!" Chuzpah, plain and simple.

 

I feel for you, marriage is not an easy relationship to be in, even when things are tootling along decently. Maybe it's time to get serious about marriage counselling, as well as individual counselling for you. There's no guarantee that you'll get the exact answers you want, but you'll get what you need from it, even if it's the strength to leave a sinking ship because you realize that it's the healthiest thing to do for your family. Hopefully, though, your husband will get his head out of his *ss and stop trying to live like a married single.

 

help comes in all forms – counselling sessions, marriage retreats, on-line programs, etc. Look them over and see what fits y'alls situation best, then go from there.

 

I'm pulling for you, JL ...

[jl5099]

Just wanted to say thanks for your opinions. I have a lot to work on with myself and I know that. I like to think I'm a strong person but I think only to the people on the outside. I have been contemplating going back to the counselor for awhile now and I guess I was hoping this would give me a little more of a push. Change has always been very difficult for me when it's my choice. I need to change that!!

[nancyleeh]

If your partner is not willing to seriously seek help...and it sounds like he is not willing or ready, get counsiling and do what ever you can to build yourself up, not to save your marriage or change him but to help you become secure in who you are and what you need. Nothing works better than getting yourself to a place where you feel confidant so you can make wise decisions for yourself and your children. Do it for you, you deserve the best life has to offer. And if you start transforming yourself for yourself, he may see the change in you and think twice about his own actions. Or maybe he won't and even if he doesn't, you will be better equipped to do what you need to do to fulfill yourself and care for your kids.

 

Sometimes we have to be selfish in a good way and taking care of yourself is a good way. You go for it.

 

nancyleeh

[JerryDen]

You will be okay.

 

First off, don't ever stay for the kids. Kids are smarter than you think. It hurts kids when they see their parents fighting all the time. The best thing is to communicate with your husband constantly. Communcation is very important. Try not to make it obvious that you are willing to do anything for him. The more you act that way, the more he'll think that he can have it his way. Worse comes to worse, get a divorce, have him pay child/spousal support. You need to go back to school while working. It's a challenging road, but you need to do it for your son.

 

Oh yeah, from the things you listed, he should have been gone a long time ago.

[Curmudgeon]

...yet I don't want to leave because of our children and the fact I have absolutely no support structure If I do. I don't want my children to be raised in a broken home Like I was, but in the same respect I want to be able to trust my husband and vice versa.

 

In my experience and opinion, staying for the children is not necessarily the best thing to do. Children are very observant, instinctual and sensitive to their surroundings. You sons know that all is not well and they can sense the tension and unhappiness in their home.

 

Remember that children learn what they live. Think aboiut the lessons they're absorbing about love, relationship, marriage, mutuality, respect, trust and communication from both of you right now. Those are the lessons they'll take into their own relationships years from now and the cycle will simply continue in their lives.

 

As for the rest, you husband does not appear to be trustworthy so it stands to reason he'll accuse you of the same to deflect blame and focus from himself.

 

I would decidedly seek some individual counseling to begin with. Perhaps in time your husband will join you and the marriage may improve. If not, don't be afraid to strike out on your own with the children. It can be done.

 

Many years ago my wife left her husband of seven years. She moved 1,800 miles back to her home town with a two-year old, a four-year old, two suitcases and $10 in her wallet. A monthy later she had a home and work. She spent the next 16-18 years raising her daughters as a single, working mother with absolutely no support of any kind from her ex.

 

Scarey? yes. Doable? Absolutely. She and the girls were better off without their father than they would have been had she remained with him.

[justpassingthrough]

Briefly, I left my ex when the two coolest people on the planet were babies, specifically one month and eighteen months.

 

New town, new job, new home (still unpacked, mind you), family 30+ miles away with a broked down piece of car, on maternity leave and hurting from the gut wound, no groceries, $12.00 with a paycheck a week away, and a pay phone down the street. That's the position I was in when I decided enough was enough and he had to go.

 

And he wasn't exactly supportive of my decision, even while he was sitting in a jail cell on a drug-related charge. .Nor has he been supportive throughout the years, as he continues to use drugs and get in trouble. Regardless, the babies are now coming into adulthood and they really are just fine.

 

I don't want to leave because of our children and the fact I have absolutely no support structure If I do.

 

Of course you don't have the support system - you've never been in this situation before. So what? You have to make one for yourself.

 

I don't want my children to be raised in a broken home Like I was, but in the same respect I want to be able to trust my husband and vice versa.

 

Two different issues.

 

Your children will be raised in a "broken home" if that's what you choose to make for them. The "healthy and happy" approach worked for me, but what you do is entirely up to you.

 

And trust - really the lack of trust - is between you and your husband.

 

They do see what's happening, but we are pretty good at hiding it when it matters too.

 

Shame on you two for letting them see any of it. Grown up problems are not childrens' problems.

 

Is it really okay to stay for the sake of the kids?

 

You're the parent and that's one of those decisions you have to make as a parent. It's your duty.

 

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has any advice - good or bad what you would do.

 

Counseling is never a bad idea.

[jl5099]

Hello everyone, thanks for your replies. I thought I would give you all a quick update. Here goes. Well I decided that through out my entire marriage, there have been many issues and while they do always seem to keep repeating themselves, they continuously get better each time. This last time or about 3 weeks ago I decided that I really want to be happy and make my marriage work.

 

So I decided that I would just "get in the mood" alot more often (which was a HUGE issue for him) and do my best to talk more about everyday things and start small. Our communication is also (obviously) a huge problem. I started seeing a counselor about 2 weeks ago and he will be joining me soon. We have actually been doing exceptional (probably getting along better than we EVER have) lately and going to the counselor has been difficult, because I have this mentallity that when things are going good, don't mess with it.

 

I do now know that we have trust issues, financial situations and just basically core issues in any relationship that we need a 3rd parties help in fixing. We both do love each other and do want to stay together. He has promised me with out flinching that he has never cheated on me and loves me whole heartedly. I have to feel that is a good start.

 

We are going on a cruise (we leave on Sat), this will be the first vacation we have taken (by ourselves) in probably 8 years. So I am actually looking forward to it as kind of a second honeymoon (actually 1st cause we never had one) and he is too. Our house has had a very positive attitude for almost a month now and everything is really starting to feel good again!

 

While I know we aren't out of the woods yet, I can see daylight! That for me is probably the first time in almost 12 years, I really feel like things WILL change for the better for good. So again I thank all of you for your replies and have taken them each with a grain of salt, but ultimately I feel I need to stay and work it out. So far, so good!