Girlfriend's Male Friend

[Guest]

Hi Everyone - First Time Poster Here:

 

I've been dating my girlfriend off and on for about 4 years now. Previous attempts at this relationship have ended (on good terms) for various reasons. We now feel like things are better than ever (been together this time for about 5 months.) I truly love her, but I have an issue with one of her friends.

 

She's been good friends with a guy (we'll call him Matt) for about 2 years. I've always suspected that he was secretly in love with her, and she always denied this idea. Well about 7 months ago, he admitted his true feeling to her. She told him that she did not feel the same way, but they remain close friends (they also work together.) Still, I know what his intentions are. They often go out for drinks, he brings her soup when shes sick, brings her flowers (when we have a fight.) She knows that he makes me uncomfortable, but I could/would never ask her to stop hanging out with one of her friends.

 

She's a fairly busy girl, and between work and college, I see her only once/twice a week (she works late a lot and I work early.) Recently, she explained to me that her and Matt were now going to hang out every Tuesday night (usually going out for drinks with him.) This makes me very uncomfortable, not because I don't trust her, but because I don't trust his intentions. I go to bed around 12/1 and they are usually out till 2/3 in the morning. I over analyze this situation way too much, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Additionally, she never talks to me on the phone in front of him because it "makes him uncomfortable." How about me? I'm uncomfortable every time she goes out with him!

 

What can I do to help this situation? I don't want to sound like the overly jealous boyfriend. I trust her, but not him. They have many mutual friends, but these Tuesday nights she hangs out just with him. We don't even have a date night! I have a history over analyzing situations, and I'm well aware of the implications of doing this. However, if I let it build up inside, I just analyze things even more and end up doing something stupid (or accusing her of something stupid.) I've told her that I would make an effort to be ok with this, but I've yet to actually feel this way

 

Any advice? Sorry this was so lengthy...

 

Thanks everyone!

[Flyin in Clouds]

... She knows that he makes me uncomfortable, but I could/would never ask her to stop hanging out with one of her friends.

 

Uh, males don't have "just friends". Women don't understand this. Men are always looking at women as a woman, not just as a person or drinking buddy. It is almost impossible for a man that isn't gay to not notice a woman's "charms" and think about her as a woman. Men won't see a woman as sexless.

 

If it makes you uncomfortable then she should stop. If she feels that's unfair then she has to make a choice between her "friend" and her boyfriend and possible future mate. She can't have you both. Unless of course you want her to have you both.

 

So her "hang out night" has to end. I sure wouldn't put up with it. She either puts you first or she doesn't. If she's unwilling to stop doing something you aren't comfortable with then you have your answer - she isnt' really serious about you.

 

And making her decide between you and her "friend" isn't at all unfair, because as a man you know what you'd be interested in if you were hanging out with one of her girlfriends. In fact if you were hanging with some hot girl friend how would she feel about it? Find some hot woman and hang out... just like she's doing.

[tanbark813]

I once had a gf who had a second bf. I didn't know about him until the end but he knew about me all along and my gf at the time had him believing I was just a friend.

 

Just sayin'...

[sb129]

I have a BF AND male friends- gay and straight.

 

No problems at all.

[reservoirdog1]

Any friendship between your SO and somebody of the opposite sex (or the same sex, as the case may be) that seems inappropriate, probably is.

 

Sorry to say, but your GF is having (at the very least) an emotional affair with that guy. She won't talk to you on the phone in front of him because he's "uncomfortable"? Poor butterfly. She continues to be out with him, at least once a week without fail, without you, till 2-3 a.m. -- even after he's declared his "love" for her. Plus she knows it all makes you uncomfortable, but she does it anyway. If you ask me, there's a hell of a lot more going on here than you realize.

 

I was once in your shoes, ten years ago. Now-XW had a male friend who she talked to all the time, she met up with him for coffee or drinks, etc. A couple of times I met up with her after work and she was waiting there with him. One night, around the Christmas after we got married, she got sh*tfaced drunk and wound up at his place, rather than coming home. (He called me and told me to come to his place and take her drunk ass home.)

 

At the time, I told her (in a general sense, not specific to him) that it wasn't that I didn't trust her, I just didn't trust other guys.

 

How wrong I was. Turns out she'd been f*cking him, and he was only one of several.

 

Consider yourself warned. Don't trust her.

[Spoonandfork22]

come on people lets not make this guy think his gf is all out cheating on him. how many times do i have to say that JUST BECAUSE males and females have friends of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN that something is going on! this happens every single day everyone. people ARE ABLE to be friends. lets try to look at the situation a little more maturely then jumping to the conclusion that everyone is cheating on everyone.

 

 

this guy def. makes you uncomfortable and since i, like you, am not one to tell my bf who to be friends with and who not to be friends with, you need to just gently let her know you feel she might be favoring him a wee bit more then you. if you two dont have a date night, why should she. it really doesnt make sense. you should let her know that you too need the attention that she is giving this guy. remember she is with YOU for a reason and, like i think you know, if she wanted to be with this guy im sure she could. hopefully she will respect you enough to give you some leway in this relationship. if you only see her one to two nights a week then she should be making alone time wtih YOU, not a friend. although i hold my friends high on my list of priorities, my bf is close up there as well, and if i get a chance to see him i know i would.

 

hang in there. i dont think its as bad as you see it is in your head. just use some communication and allw her to explain her side of the story to you. its always important to be honest and truthful. youve been together for you said a little over four years? you obviously know one another well enough. hope it all works out...good luck!

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Guest,

 

Count your blessings. As bad as it may seem, hold onto your emotions. Don't burst into a gut-filled scene of anger.

 

An observation:

She told him that she did not feel the same way.

Strange.

 

Her words don't match her actions. Caution. Guest. Be careful.

 

Why does she continue to heavily invest time and effort into this friendship, knowing the feeling is not mutual?

 

There is only way to look at this. She is treading into dangerous waters. Guest, I believe you should be more forward, honest, communicative, and firm with her.

 

She is your girlfriend. Not only your friend. You should set boundaries, less frequent time with him, more time with you. Let her see the friend. I believe she is infatuated with the attention. He is giving her more attention, and fun times than you.

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water

[Javelin]

Out of all the replies, I prioritize this one:

 

Any friendship between your SO and somebody of the opposite sex (or the same sex, as the case may be) that seems inappropriate, probably is.

 

Sorry to say, but your GF is having (at the very least) an emotional affair with that guy. She won't talk to you on the phone in front of him because he's "uncomfortable"? Poor butterfly. She continues to be out with him, at least once a week without fail, without you, till 2-3 a.m. -- even after he's declared his "love" for her. Plus she knows it all makes you uncomfortable, but she does it anyway. If you ask me, there's a hell of a lot more going on here than you realize.

 

I was once in your shoes, ten years ago. Now-XW had a male friend who she talked to all the time, she met up with him for coffee or drinks, etc. A couple of times I met up with her after work and she was waiting there with him. One night, around the Christmas after we got married, she got sh*tfaced drunk and wound up at his place, rather than coming home. (He called me and told me to come to his place and take her drunk ass home.)

 

At the time, I told her (in a general sense, not specific to him) that it wasn't that I didn't trust her, I just didn't trust other guys.

 

How wrong I was. Turns out she'd been f*cking him, and he was only one of several.

 

Consider yourself warned. Don't trust her.

 

and heed his warning.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I have a BF AND male friends- gay and straight.

 

No problems at all.

 

Uh, assuming you are female, and not a gay guy, you have no idea what those straight male friends are really thinking about you in the back of their dirty little minds.

 

Do you think if you offered them a BJ they'd turn it down? Maybe a few honorable guys would, but I bet not many if you gave them the opportunity.

[Flyin in Clouds]

come on people lets not make this guy think his gf is all out cheating on him. how many times do i have to say that JUST BECAUSE males and females have friends of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN that something is going on! this happens every single day everyone. people ARE ABLE to be friends.

 

So sayeth another woman that know the inner mind of men. Spoonandfork you've probably bought into the unisex non-sense that there really are no difference between men and women beyond the obvious phyiscal ones, so you think men think about "just friend" relationship just like you do.

 

Men think differently about women and sex than you do. You are right. Nothing may be going on. But knowing myself (a straight man) and knowing I'm not all that different from other straight men, I know it would be damn hard to walk away from a woman that stripped nake in front of me and offered herself to me. OK? Men seem to have a little more trouble with their women having other male "just friends" than women have with their man have other women "just friends". That's because we men know what we'd be thinking about when were out with our "just friend" female friend.

 

Here's the deal in a relationship. If your SO asks you not to hang out with "friends" he or she doesn't want you haningn with, you have one of two choices. Honor that request because your SO is your top priority or break up with your SO becuase your "friends" mean more to you than your SO. It really is that simple. Make a choice. BF or "just friends".

 

 

 

hang in there. i dont think its as bad as you see it is in your head.

Of course it's not that bad. It's worse.

 

 

just use some communication and allw her to explain her side of the story to you.

I don't care what her side of the story is and neither should anyone else. She's cheating plain and simple. Dump her. Change the locks. Put her cloths in heap in the drive way.

 

its always important to be honest and truthful. ...

yeah, I'd agree with that. Too bad she isn't being honest or truthful. Nor caring much about his feelings. She obvisouly doesn't care about making him uncomfortable - i.e. causing him pain. In fact she probably gets off on it.

 

Look man, sorry to say but she's cheating. Get rid of her. Before she does you real harm.

 

Or see how she reacts when you talk to your female "just friends" in whisper tones because you are "uncomfortable" talking to them in front of her.

 

Turn about is always fair play.

[Salicious Crumb]

come on people lets not make this guy think his gf is all out cheating on him. how many times do i have to say that JUST BECAUSE males and females have friends of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN that something is going on!

 

You are correct.

 

But in this situation, this other guy admitted his feelings for his gf in hopes that she felt the same way to lure her away from him.

 

So he is justified in not being comfortable with her remaining friends with him. Because this guy wants to be more than friends. That will not change.

And his gf may be completely trustworthy, but what do you think would happen if this male friend and the poster came face to face knowing that he tried to lure his gf away from him?

 

Its not a good situation, and if my wife wasn't comfortable with a female friend that she knew wanted me, then I'd have to respect the wife's wishes.

[Cecelius]

This is doom.

 

Your g/f has a standing "date" with another man every Tuesday for drinks? He knows when you fight? He gets her flowers? She still hangs out with him, even knowing his intentions?

 

It doesn't matter whether she is cheating, will cheat or has cheated. This situation alone is enough.

 

A girl who wants you to like her and stick around will go out of her way to make it easy for you. Having a 2nd boyfriend is not in this spirit.

 

If I were you, I would simply break up with her, but that's me. You can try to change her behavior but in the end, she's doing something she WOULDN'T be doing if she wasn't getting something from him (ego, attention, whatever). If she changes her behavior because you tell her to, or ask her to, or out of sympathy, it will be as a favor to you, and she'll resent you for it.

 

Besides, she'll just have lunches with him.

 

The only way out of this kind of thing is to have calmly, but sternly, gotten it understood way before this that if you see any stupid crap, you will walk.

[My Fair Katie]

come on people lets not make this guy think his gf is all out cheating on him. how many times do i have to say that JUST BECAUSE males and females have friends of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN that something is going on! this happens every single day everyone. people ARE ABLE to be friends. lets try to look at the situation a little more maturely then jumping to the conclusion that everyone is cheating on everyone.

 

My best (and oldest) friend is a guy (to clarify I myself am female) and Guest's post still had me suspicious.

[Flyin in Clouds]

My best (and oldest) friend is a guy (to clarify I myself am female) and Guest's post still had me suspicious.

So Katie, your husband isn't your best friend... some other guy is. That must make your husband feel good. Oh, I guess the guy that is your best and oldest friend could be your H but your wording leads me to believe otherwise.

 

So lets ask this. Suppose you, your H and the old best friend are in a terrible situation where you had to choose to kill one of them. Which would you choose?

 

You have no other choices. Jack Bauer isn't coming to the rescue and you have to shoot one of them. Which guy lives and which guy dies?

 

The point is when push comes to shove which guy has your total, unconditional loyalty and commitment?

[Rooster_DAR]

If this is a commited relationship, then casual relationships with the opposite sex is very dangerous. Although there are some people who can do it, for many when trouble brews the distraught partner is at risk to fall into the friends arms.

 

Never trust a friend of the opposite sex, it's asking for trouble (especially where drinking is prevalent). Sure you can have friends of the opposite sex, but boundaries need to be established (only in public places, never alone). I will not be in a relationship with any women who spends time with a male of the opposite sex in a casual way, it's disrepectful and leads to problems. I don't expect my S/O to allow me to go out with a female friend without her being there.

 

Cheers!

[Capatinacen]

So Katie, your husband isn't your best friend... some other guy is. That must make your husband feel good. Oh, I guess the guy that is your best and oldest friend could be your H but your wording leads me to believe otherwise.

 

So lets ask this. Suppose you, your H and the old best friend are in a terrible situation where you had to choose to kill one of them. Which would you choose?

 

You have no other choices. Jack Bauer isn't coming to the rescue and you have to shoot one of them. Which guy lives and which guy dies?

 

The point is when push comes to shove which guy has your total, unconditional loyalty and commitment?

 

Don't you think your doing it here?

 

I also have a couple of guy friends and you can't expect me to drop them because my SO doesn't like it. What happends if the relationship ends? I lose good friends because someone had a problem with it. How fair is that? It's not. They have never tried anything on me and yes they are friends. They have even made it clear they have no interest and so have I. They even have gf's and one is married to my best friend. So what does that say?

 

One of them is even like a brother to me. I've known him since I was born and we have been throught a lot and he is a good decent friend and I trust him. You can't ask me to never talk to him or see him. That's not fair and I would dump anyone who requested that of me or asked me to choose.

[My Fair Katie]

Sorry, didn't see this till this morning.

 

So Katie, your husband isn't your best friend... some other guy is. That must make your husband feel good.

 

Well, My Fair Husband sure appreciates my guy friend better than my closest gal pal. They often make the joke that they are "hetero-life partners." Of course, My Fair Husband is an awesome guy who is very confident and comfortable with the fact that his wife has a friend who is a man.

 

Oh, I guess the guy that is your best and oldest friend could be your H but your wording leads me to believe otherwise.

 

I've known my best guy friend since primary school, so no My Fair Husband is not my "oldest" friend. Obviously you are the type of person that feels you can only have one best friend, fine for you, I have my husband, my guy-buddy, and my closest gal-pal.

 

So lets ask this. Suppose you, your H and the old best friend are in a terrible situation where you had to choose to kill one of them. Which would you choose?

 

LOL, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. I'd kill whoever is slower running away from me obviously. Don't you watch the nature channel?

 

The point is when push comes to shove which guy has your total, unconditional loyalty and commitment?

 

Are you projecting a bit here? Some girl leave you for a buddy of her's? Otherwise I don't get your post. Obviously if My Fair Husband is comfortable with me having a male best friend it's a non-issue. I only care about My Fair Husband's opinion on it, not Flyin in Clouds.

[Cecelius]

Don't you think your doing it here?

 

I also have a couple of guy friends and you can't expect me to drop them because my SO doesn't like it. What happends if the relationship ends? I lose good friends because someone had a problem with it. How fair is that? It's not. They have never tried anything on me and yes they are friends. They have even made it clear they have no interest and so have I. They even have gf's and one is married to my best friend. So what does that say?

 

One of them is even like a brother to me. I've known him since I was born and we have been throught a lot and he is a good decent friend and I trust him. You can't ask me to never talk to him or see him. That's not fair and I would dump anyone who requested that of me or asked me to choose.

 

I agree with you. Which is why I would likely move on to another woman. My guess, which is typically right, is that the dude in that triangle either wants something or would take it if available.

 

All fine and good if she normally acts within certain reasonable bounds. If she has a standing date to hang out with the guy, her actions are showing that she is willing to risk certain things.

 

Just like I don't look for high maintenence women, overly liberal women, mean women, stupid women, etc., I don't search out reckless women either.

 

He shouldn't tell her what to do. She knows what she is doing is not consistent with a generally held view of appropriate conduct, and is still doing it. He should not hate her, or judge her, or any such thing.

 

He should decide whether this meets his standards, and if it does not, move on.

[Sevenmack]

When the gal told Guest that she was setting up weekly hang-out nights with her 'friend,' she was basically saying that she'll be f---ing around with the dude and will continue to do so until she decides to dump Guest altogether. It's that simple. She should have dumped her 'pal' when he informed her of his intentions; the fact that she didn't do so speaks louder than words.

 

Dump her and move on. As Cecelius rightly points out, dating reckless women is a waste of time. In the case of Guest, she's knowingly reckless -- she couldn't simply believe that carrying on an affair with a 'friend' isn't going to start up some drama -- and even worse, slutty and dumb (she thinks her man is a complete moron when he's begun wising up to her gambit). She needs a swift kick to the curb.

[angelbabylk]

I'm interested to know how this turned out. I have had a similar situation on my hands lately..

Only he told me last night that he does have feelings for the girl he has been around so much.

You cannot ask her to choose between you and her friends. You can ask her not to be around him so much, and to consider your feelings more. But, from personal experiance, she will resent you more if you say "him or me".

As a woman I can say all day that I have guy friends that I would never date, however, I'm not sure how they feel. Not every male & female friendship turns into more, but a lot of them do. At one point or another one/both of them will feel something more than a friendship for each other.

[Salicious Crumb]

Any friendship between your SO and somebody of the opposite sex (or the same sex, as the case may be) that seems inappropriate, probably is.

 

I 2nd that.

[Salicious Crumb]

come on people lets not make this guy think his gf is all out cheating on him. how many times do i have to say that JUST BECAUSE males and females have friends of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN that something is going on! this happens every single day everyone. people ARE ABLE to be friends. lets try to look at the situation a little more maturely then jumping to the conclusion that everyone is cheating on everyone.

 

While I almost agree with what you just said.....common sense and experience tell me otherwise.

[stace79]

I guess my feeling is that if she makes time for a "night out" with him but doesn't do the same for you, that's showing her priorities.

 

I see nothing wrong with maintaining friends of the opposite sex even if you are committed, but I see it more as a "Hey, everybody's hanging out, why don't you and SO come along and meet us?" Not a thing where SO and the friend hang out alone til late at night.

 

When you have a serious R, the SO comes first, followed by the friends. You can't be best friends with everyone. There's just not enough time in the day, and it's disrespectful to the SO.

 

My other concern is that she doesn't respect your feelings about this. Does she expect to stay best friends with this guy even if you guys get engaged or married?

 

I will never understand how people think they can maintain a private, "friends" relationship with someone of the opposite sex even if married or in a serious R.

[Salicious Crumb]

Don't you think your doing it here?

 

I also have a couple of guy friends and you can't expect me to drop them because my SO doesn't like it.

 

So if your SO doesn't like it or is uncomfortable with it...then to hell with him....is that it?