IvoryJo Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 My husband finally admitted to me that he is bi-sexual. Now I always knew he was curious but didn't know how far it was really. He has been with a few men although not anally. It has happened on and off throughout our dating and then our marriage. He said he was sick of hiding himself from me and sick of lying and needed to be open with me because he loves me so much. He is my world and well, I can't ever see myself without him. I DO NOT want to share him though. He said he just can't help the attraction and well needs to express it sometimes. He does NOT want a relationship with a man but he talks about maybe finding a friend that he could hang with and maybe more occasionally. I am not sure how I feel about this. I myself have had bi experiences and well it's not the same for me I guess. I can give it up and he has always known about everything I've ever done. Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose him, he is a great man and we have a great sex life, and we have a daughter together. What do I do!? Does anyone think I should well, ignore it and pretend it isn't happening? I told him to tell me when he went out to be with someone but he thinks that would be harder for me. I am soooo confused and need help...... Jo Link to post Share on other sites
My Fair Katie Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Does anyone think I should well, ignore it and pretend it isn't happening? Do what you think is best, but I will say this, I am a heterosexual, my husband knew this when he married me. It does not give me cart blanche to go out and screw as many men as I like because I am attracted to them. I made a vow to be faithful to my husband. It doesn't matter if I'm heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. You can be attracted to people without needing to go to bed with them. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 and needed to be open with me because he loves me so much. I hate it when the word "love" is abused. This is bullsh*t. He said he just can't help the attraction and well needs to express it sometimes.He can't help it. This is bullsh*t. I am soooo confused and need help...... JoI'm sorry. This really sucks (and it's bullsh*t). He's disrespecting you big time. I think you need to put your foot down, and crush his balls. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 You can be attracted to people without needing to go to bed with them. What she said. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I suggest, along with posting here, you seek some one on one counselling because the emotional toll this will take you, is gonna be rough. I know you love him, but I don't see how it is fair to you to stay married to him and accept that he will be having sex with other men. Even if he doesn't tell you, the damage it will do YOU and your self esteem. Your marriage and relationship will change. That is a fact. Then ofcourse there's the STD factor, a visual factor for you...Could you continue making love to him, knowing what else he's been doing with another man? It's still cheating...Emotionally you will feel he is, as well as physically. I don't see how it could work. And, there are the what if's...What if he falls emotionally for another man? Gets too attached. I am sorry if what I've written has upset you, but you definately need to really think and talk together. If he can't give up that part of his life for you and your children, you may very well have to let him go...It sucks, and it's unfair...And very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Being bi-curious myself and dreaming about trying it again, I can totally relate to your husband. I would feel like crap if I would cheat on my husband with another man, but I don't feel like that about other women. I don't feel it as cheating, no matter what other people think. But my husband asked me to ask him for a permission if it ever came to it and NOt ever do it behind his back. So I would ask hiom, if the opportunity ever occurs. While we were still dating, I had that opportunity and told him. he said he was OK with it, no prob. Well, it didn't happen because the girl cancelled the date, but he approved it. When we got married, he said he wasn't comfortable with it. I would be happy with some petting though, even in a night club or something like that. I don't think he would mind that. Perhaps you can make some compromise, too. You have all the right to tell him not to touch anyone except you. He doesn't have to have all his sexual urges pleased 100%. By no means should he hide his actions from you and hide them under the excuse that it would hurt you. If he knows that he is hurting you then he shouldn't do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author IvoryJo Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 See to my husband it wasn't cheating because he didn't believe himself bi (he couldn't come to terms with it) and other then petting etc, he hasn't done much with another man. He is not into them at ALL emotionally and has come out with everything he's ever done and how he feels at this moment. He never wants to give or receive anal from a guy with helps cut down the STD factor. He tells me everything now and was afraid to tell me before for fear of my reaction. I am still coming to terms with all this and we talk more and more every day which is helping. He really would just like a guy friend who he can " mess" with occasionally. (I have one similar but we haven't talked in awhile) This advice from everyone is really helping though! I appreciate it all! Link to post Share on other sites
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 regardless if it is another man, woman or dolphin!! Just cos he is attracted to the same sex makes it no different to opposite sex. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?" I am assuming he said I do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I don't know all that much about bisexuality, so I certainly don't understand your husband's emotions. If he "can't help" his feelings, that's one thing, but if he can't help but act on them, that's different altogether. To me that is cheating on your marriage. I would have to agree with those that say the same. Even petting in my opinion is cheating, because petting among consenting adults often leads to a sexual act. I can just imagine a spouse saying "I only fingered her, we didn't have intercourse. I only french kissed her, we didn't f**k." It's all a betrayal of the personal intimacy between monogamous people to me. Is he sure he is bi? If he cannot help but express his attraction to men, I think he could be fully gay and still in denial himself. Kind of like taking baby steps out of the proverbial closet. In a heterosexual relationship people are sometimes very physically attracted to someone, but they should not act on it, or else they are cheating. I don't know. Some people can handle open relationships, and if you agree to accept his need to express his attraction, that is basically what you are entering into in my opinion. I think a counselor is definitely necessary if you choose to stay with your husband. This would be a tough row to hoe alone. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 He really would just like a guy friend who he can " mess" with occasionally. (I have one similar but we haven't talked in awhile) This advice from everyone is really helping though! I appreciate it all!Are you OK with this? I think you are not sure, but when you are sure, talk about your feeling openly. Listen, too. This is not the end of the world. I don't think you are jealous, I think it just bothers you, cuz it's not really a girl's dream come true. Most of all, understand that this has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally. I am also bi-curious, don't have any interest in women other than erotic. My fantasies are not related to my happiness with my husband. But if I desired another man, it would have to do a lot with my marriage. Actually, when I fantasize about Eric Roberts, it's usually when I am angry at hubby. regardless if it is another man, woman or dolphin!! Just cos he is attracted to the same sex makes it no different to opposite sex. If they both agree to this then it's not cheating. The word "cheating" means having sex behind somebody's back. If she enjoyed watching her husband with another man then it certainly wouldn't be cheating. He is open about his desires and I am sure they can work it out. You guys can say that petting a dolphin is cheating, but the man-woman relationship is different from a same-sex relationship, except if people are 100% homosexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The word "cheating" means having sex behind somebody's back. I totally disagree with this. Cheating is sharing a part of yourself, any part, be it physical or emotional, with someone other than your partner/spouse, whether or not they condone it. Whatever you give to another you are taking away from the person you purport to be committed to. In cases such as this it may not be hidden or dishonest but it's still cheating in my book and I, for one, wouldn't tolerate it. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 mmmm....I gotta go along with Savage Love on this one. He calls this the HTFDTH?? syndrome (How the f**k did THAT happen...) That's when you KNOW it's not right, you know it's not the life you're supposedly living, but it "just happens." It's not YOUR fault. It "just happens!" OP, I can't tell you what to do, or how to live your life. BUT, honestly, while I think your H loves you (I truly do), seriously, he's most likely gay. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Savage Love Love him!! I am agreeing with BTDT. And it is cheating, even if you know about it. It will hurt you like cheating does. He'll be sharing his body with someone else! It's going against your marriage vows, even if you DO let him do this...My fear is, it will just open the door to more........... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The other thing is, right now he can tell you "only fooling around" but if he gets carried away one night? The fooling around leads to something more? Not talking emotional attachment, I'm talking sex! Never say never because he doesn't really know how he is going to feel when it happens. That is what I meant by it could be opening the door to other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 If they both agree to this then it's not cheating. The word "cheating" means having sex behind somebody's back. If she enjoyed watching her husband with another man then it certainly wouldn't be cheating. He is open about his desires and I am sure they can work it out. You guys can say that petting a dolphin is cheating, but the man-woman relationship is different from a same-sex relationship, except if people are 100% homosexual. rubbish - sorry this is something I feel very strongly about, whether someone knows or not it is still cheating. It is cheating on your vows. The promise you made to each other in front of friends and family and God if you are religious. The point I made with the dolphin (insert anything here) is that regardless of who what when or where it is anyone other than your partner to whom you made the commitment to forsake all others. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I totally disagree with this. Cheating is sharing a part of yourself, any part, be it physical or emotional, with someone other than your partner/spouse, whether or not they condone it. Whatever you give to another you are taking away from the person you purport to be committed to. In cases such as this it may not be hidden or dishonest but it's still cheating in my book and I, for one, wouldn't tolerate it. It's all in our heads, dear. In the Islamic countries, women are not allowed to go to the gynecologist, cuz it's shameful for them to expose their vaginas to the doctors. Same with their faces. They are not allowed to talk to anyone. On the other hand people live in open marriages and swing. Who are we to say what's right and what's wrong? If they have agreed upon their fidelity standards, your statements that it's cheating or not won't make them feel cheated on - or not cheated on, if they disagree. Is a lap dance cheating? For me it is. But for some people it's not so I would feel cheated by something that is "not" cheating. Some people think watching porn or dancing with somebody is cheating, some people think that kissing is not. It really boils down to personal perceptions, social prejudices, and human character (jealousy, insecurity, etc.). Your voice means nothing in my marriage if both my husband and I agree on something. And vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 It really boils down to personal perceptions, social prejudices, and human character (jealousy, insecurity, etc.). Your voice means nothing in my marriage if both my husband and I agree on something. And vice versa. Which is precisely why I expressed it as "in my book" and based my lack of tolerance strictly on that basis. As they said in the 60s, "different strokes for different folks!" Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 My husband finally admitted to me that he is bi-sexual. Now I always knew he was curious but didn't know how far it was really. He has been with a few men although not anally. It has happened on and off throughout our dating and then our marriage. He said he was sick of hiding himself from me and sick of lying and needed to be open with me because he loves me so much. He is my world and well, I can't ever see myself without him. I DO NOT want to share him though. He said he just can't help the attraction and well needs to express it sometimes. He does NOT want a relationship with a man but he talks about maybe finding a friend that he could hang with and maybe more occasionally. I am not sure how I feel about this. I myself have had bi experiences and well it's not the same for me I guess. I can give it up and he has always known about everything I've ever done. Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose him, he is a great man and we have a great sex life, and we have a daughter together. What do I do!? Does anyone think I should well, ignore it and pretend it isn't happening? I told him to tell me when he went out to be with someone but he thinks that would be harder for me. I am soooo confused and need help...... Jo Hi IvoryJo, I was in basically the same situation as you a few months ago except I wasn't married to the guy. We had been dating for 2.5 years and were talking about getting married in a few years. I had known that he was bi but he never admitted it to me, and I never dreamed that he had acted on it. I found out that he has indeed acted on it, he had done everything you can imagine with guys the entire time we were dating. He wanted to continue seeing one of the guys while still dating me but I said he had to chose me or them. He chose me, but went behind my back and continued to see one guy once a month or so. I found out that my best friend and this guys friend were co-workers (odd coincidence) and found that they were still seeing each other. I was done after that, we broke up in October. He has now admitted to a few people that he is gay, and that he didn't want to admit that when he was dating me to save me from being hurt more. I lucked out that we weren't married when all of this came out.. although if he had his way he would have married me. Please don't ignore what he is doing that won't solve anything. Look into counseling for both of you, maybe start out individually and then have some sessions together. If he is not willing to go to counseling you should go on your own, hearing all of this was really hard for me, I couldn't even imagine being married and finding out all of this. You both need to figure out what you want to do. One of the previous posters made a comment that he could be taking baby steps to coming out, he might be doing that but he also may actually be bi. Either way you need to figure out if you are willing to share him with a guy or if he is going to stop meeting up with guys behind your back. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 have you considered letting him explore these relationships with you? A close friend of both of yours and you there? Nothing hidden. A little fun for you too possibly? Some light swinging together? threesome? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IvoryJo Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 We actually have done some threesomes before and also soft swinging meaning no sex with others but watching and playing was ok. We always had rules. I've thought about that as well, but I think he believes it will be harder for me cause he thinks I will stare at him and see if any emotions are involved. We'll have to take things day by day prob. My feelings are still up and down on a lot of things. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Even if you were to continue to do 3-somes and soft swinging, it's not fixing the issue, I mentioned this before, but all that will do is open the door wider, and get him more curious, want to explore it more and more... Ofcourse your emotions are going to affect you, and him too. This isn't about LOVE, you love him, he loves you... I feel for you, stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IvoryJo Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Oh, I def know that wouldn't FIX the issue. I am just looking at other options. Ways to satisfy us both. Like I've mentioned before we have been talking VERY openly lately and are getting things figured out. This is def a hard road to travel, but like everything we will face it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 We actually have done some threesomes before and also soft swinging meaning no sex with others but watching and playing was ok. We always had rules. Threesomes when you're married are a Pandora's box - easy to open, tough to close. You've already given permission on some level for your H to have sex with other people - now you're disagreeing over who and where. I've never been involved in a threesome but have two friends that have. It got messy for both quickly. Sexual orientation aside, you're finding out that there are different sets of "rules". Would your feelings be different if your H wanted to sleep with a variety of women? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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