Lying to me

[asiandumpling2007]

I started an internet relationship over a year ago. I met an interesting guy but we lived on the opposite sides of the state. Recently, I landed a job in the same area and I have relocated. He has been involved with a girl for five years or so and they don't have a real relationship as you or I would consider. They see each other for a few hours a week, there is no sex, touching or kissing. She does not stay with him overnight and he does not stay overnight at her house. Since coming to town, he and I have become very close, falling in love and talking about being together as a couple.

 

He's not your typical guy so the typical advice doesn't really apply with him. He's never broken up with anyone as he is very non confrontational. He rather just waits for them to get frustrated to the point they walk out. The problem is with his current girlfriend, they fight all the time and it's over all the time. Then in a few days she will call and ask if they are ok. He's always allowed her to come back into the relationship because he doesn't want to be alone either. I see their relationship in sort of a desparate way.

 

He has some very personal items in her garage and he is afraid to end it with her because he can't afford to store them in a storage unit, nor can he keep them where he is currently living.

 

He suffers from depression and anxiety. I've let him know that I can't handle this part of the relationship as he states he loves me, he chooses me. The thought that he even sits by her at a movie makes me sad inside.

 

I do understand his situation but it doesn't make me trust him. We recently had a huge fight over this topic and that was horrible. He doesn't know why he can't end it. He says he is not sure why except that he is afraid. He says he doesn't love her, they only fight when they are together.

 

Like I said, he's not a normal guy so you have to use extreme understanding when you deal with him. Recently I've decided to give the relationship some space. When I first moved here, I thought we would be spending a lot of time together. However, I've learned that him going to work and coming home all require a lot of mental and emotional energy.

 

I've recommended medication and he has agreed to talk to a therapist to see if they can help him sort out why he feels anxiety over ending it with her. When we are together it is wonderful. Despite his limitations, I love being with him.

 

He has lied to me in the past about seeing her. I have trust issues to begin with. It is so hard for me to trust him. I am actually feeling myself pulling away. Not calling him all the time, not wanting or suggesting to see him. When he calls, I don't answer the phone or call him back right away. I am starting to make other friends and go out and do things with them. I thought this might make him miss me a bit.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've given and given to make this work and I feel like he won't step up and make a decision ever and I know I won't be able to live in a 3 way relationship. I was ready to walk during this fight but he promised to make things better. No more lying to me, etc. He thinks because he doesn't tell me the full truth about seeing her, he is protecting my feelings rather than making me upset.

 

Am I doing the right thing? Any suggestions?

[InsanityImpaired]

Tough situation, but I think you have already described the essential problem.

He rather just waits for them to get frustrated to the point they walk out. The problem is with his current girlfriend, they fight all the time and it's over all the time. Then in a few days she will call and ask if they are ok. He's always allowed her to come back into the relationship because he doesn't want to be alone either. I see their relationship in sort of a desparate way.

He does not do everything in his power to prevent fights. Rather he will never make any decision - he lets others do it; and as long as his gf is "making" the decision, he is willing / happy / desperate to comply. That is well consistent with:

He thinks because he doesn't tell me the full truth about seeing her, he is protecting my feelings rather than making me upset.

He has a hard time displeasing anyone - in whatever way. In all likelihood that does not only apply to the break-up of his current relationship, but also to major life-decisions, what to cook for dinner when you are together et cetera.

I've recommended medication and he has agreed to talk to a therapist to see if they can help him sort out why he feels anxiety over ending it with her.

See? Even here you had to make the recommendation, before he does something to address the issue(s) at hand. How serious is he, in actually doing these things?