girlfriends family asked me to talk to her about her weight

[islandsurfer]

My girlfriends family has asked me to talk to her about her weight, and try to get her to see the colleges health counselor (Since its free while in college they want her to try to get some help before we graduate this Spring.) I guess they tried to talk to her and she got offensive and didn't want to hear about it and they are hoping I have more luck. They think she may have an eating disorder. I really don't want to get into this conversation for a few reasons.

 

First off I think they are making a bigger deal then need be. Her weight is not extreme by any means. She is 5 ft 3 inches tall and I'm not sure about her current weight (when at her heaviest she weighed 166 but after the holidays she can't fit into any of her clothes when she was at 166 so I would say she this means she has to be in the 170's). I understand this is more then average but they are making it seem she is obese. What worries me more is how quickly she losses and gains weight. For example right before going home for the holiday break (mid December) she weighed 152 lbs and was one size lower then her largest clothes, she was trying to get down to 150 for the break. To quote her sister, "she blew up like a balloon" over the month off and it was this noticeable gain that brings up the questions of an eating disorder.

 

I know I've posted about my girlfriends weight before but most of the posts are long winded (unfortunately like this one will be) so here is a quick recap. She started college weighing in the low 120's, gained about 40 pounds in 2 years and has spent the last year and a half losing weight rapidly and gaining it back rapidly. In this year and a half her weight has fluctuated from 138 lbs to what ever she currently weighs. I’ve always figured this weight fluctuation is more unhealthy then her weight in itself.

 

The reasons I am not sure I want to bring up a talk about an eating disorder is because I feel there are other reasons and her weight gain is a little complicated. One she has always been a big eater, freshman year she would brag on how she can eat a lot and not gain a pound. Maybe her metabolism slowed down. What makes it complicated is that her “friends” she was living with saw that she was starting to gain weight at the end freshman year and over the summer( she probably gained around 10 pounds) and at the start of sophomore tried to see if they could get her to gain more(they were trying to get her back for bragging about being able to not gain weight). I still have a hard time believing this, but I have had enough drunken and sober conversations with them not to. To quote one of her “friends” “she eats a lot usually, but when she is drunk you can put any amount of food in front of her and she will eat it”. Also over that year she went on 3 different types of birth control, and this probably didn’t help her body and metabolism (she kept switching because the pills were making her gain weight). At the start of junior year she weighed around 160 lbs, and ever since her weight has been fluctuating.

 

Her family doesn’t now anything that happened in the above paragraph so I can see why they would jump to the conclusion of an eating disorder (especially with the amount of weight she just gained over the holiday). But none of us have ever seen any solid evidence that she binges or purges. I guess I have seem some hints that she might have binged, but since she has always been a big eat it’s kinda hard to tell.

 

I am sorry this is such a long post, she means a lot to me and I am very confused how to approach this. I personally don’t think she has an eating disorder, unless being a big eater is considered an eating disorder. I am not sure if I should have a sit down with her or how to even go about bringing the topic up. I really have no one to talk to without her possible knowing and this is why you guys get stuck with such a long post (I feel a little less stressed getting my thoughts out so thank you for listening). Please any input, thoughts, and advice would be greatly appreciated (do you think she has an eating disorder, how do I approach talking to her about it, ect, ect)

[norajane]

She may or may not have an eating disorder, but she is dealing with a weight problem, and - as you've already seen - the yo-yo dieting and whatever she is going through has led to her getting progressively heavier and heavier. If she can't get control of it now, what do you think will happen in the next couple of years?

 

Maybe instead of suggesting a psychologist, she could talk to a nutritionist and a trainer. She can still eat a lot, but maybe she can change what she's eating to something that is healthy for her. The pill can do some damage as well, but that's where some exercise can help, as well as if she gets on the right one. Those so-called friends need to be out of her life - does she know what they've been doing? Maybe she needs to be told about it, so she doesn't get drunk around them.

 

Tell her you're worried about the rapid weight gain, and tell her about the friend situation. Tell her you want to help her with this because you love her and you see how unhappy she is.

[dropdeadlegs]

Sometimes people "eat their feelings" or "eat their stress" and use food for comfort. I don't know enough about eating disorders to know if that even qualifies as one.

 

I know you love your girlfriend and would definitely be concerned and supportive if she had an eating disorder. She knows she is overweight. I only speak from my own body image problems, but I would probably eat more if my boyfriend talked to me about my weight. That's because I tend to comfort myself with food sometimes too. I'm not overweight by health standards but my weight does tend to fluctuate from just below healthy to just above healthy. I know that I prefer the way I look when I am at the low end of healthy.

 

I don't think it is fair that her family asked you to discuss this with her, but there may be valid reasons for that request. I'm worried that if she got upset with them, she will also get upset with you. Is there any other way you can help her without making her even more self-conscious? Like maybe getting her involved in some kind of activity (ie: exercise) or helping her to make better food choices? If she drinks often, alcohol is full of empty calories and one can easily consume a whole days worth of calories in an evening of excessive drinking.

 

I don't even know if you attend the same college. I'm trying to help because at 5'3" weighing in the 170's now could certainly lead to a lifetime of weight problems. It only gets harder to lose with age. 170 at her height is not near the healthy range. I think it's nice that you don't see her weight as a problem in your relationship, but with many women, weight is a touchy issue. It's easy in college to eat a lot of fast foods and become pretty sedentary. You hear about the "freshman 15" all the time, but she may be losing control of her eating habits and developing some life long issues with food.

 

Look up eating disorders on the internet, she could be a sometime purger which could explain the rapid fluctuations. Maybe she just isn't purging at times.

 

It's a hot topic with some women and if you determine there is a problem, I sure wish you luck with approaching her about it.

[Lowcountryman]

Dude...not a good idea to bring up her weight...better for one of her girlfriends or family members to do that...that is just a bad idea, can't believe they asked you to do that. You'll be single if you bring that up, let someone else approach her about it.

[Blue Phoenix]

--"To quote her sister, "she blew up like a balloon"-- Um sounds like maybe her family has a few issues of there own. God forbid she might gain 10 pounds and not be anorexicly exceptable in todays world. Look your her bf you dont think she has a eating disorder right? Im guessing you spend more time around her then they do at the moment. Tell them that you think shes ok oh and yea tell the sister to calm down and eat a few twinkeys they might help her relax.. Thats kinda a realy akward pos they put you in. Asking you to talk to her about issues there haveing with her. Showes me how well they relate to her in the 1st place...

[islandsurfer]

Thank you all for your responses. Like I said I am confused about what to do, I love my girlfriend, and will probably marry her. The only downside about our relationship is for the last year and a half her weight has been a big topic. Not because I feel very different about her bigger size, but from her complaining, crying and being depressed at times about her weight. Also from having to constantly buy larger clothes, not doing certain activities with friends because she is uncomfortable due to her size, and from comments about her weight gain from friends and family (in concerned, joking and not so nice ways). I purposely do not bring up her weight, comment on what she is eating(except for the few times she as asked me to keep an eye on how much she is eating, and these few times never last long.), or comment on what she is wearing other then to tell her she looks good. Despite this I rarely go more then a day or two without her weight or size coming up.

 

I am worried about her health though, due that she has gained a lot of weight, her yo-yo dieting is leaving her constantly heavier, and that 179 is not really a healthy weight for her size. Since being back at school she kinda ignores that none of her clothes fit has worn sweatpants for the last 2 weeks straight and is not being conscious of what she is eating at all. Yesterday she decided she needed to see what she weighs after crying in my arms for a couple hours about how fat she feels, has been only able to wear sweatpants, has probably gained more weight since being back at school, and people have noticed her daily sweatpants wardrobe. I borrowed a scale from a housemate and she waited till this morning right after waking up to see that she is 179 lbs(she didn't want to weigh herself last night because ate a lot yesterday).

 

Going against my instincts I am tempted to do what her parents have asked and talk to her about seeing the schools nutritionist. Like some of you guys have said if this constant weight loss and gain continues it will not be a good thing in years to come. Her BMI is high. Towards the beginning of this school year when she was around 155 her hip to waist ratio was in the at risk of health concerns category ( she had a 35.5 in waist and 41 inch hips). At that time she was "serious" about getting in shape and we both took online health test that you guys helped me find(thank you once again for your coming through). Right now I have no clue what her measurement are and am hoping she doesn't ask me to help measure her because I really don't want to deal with her reaction (i am sorry to sound mean but its getting to the point where enough is enough).

 

What also has me concerned is me, I wouldn't be truthful if I said her weight and size isn't a little bit of a turn off. Please don't jump down my throat for that statement, I feel bad enough for thinking it. I love her, am attracted to her, just not like I used to be. At her current size she just looks different, and I can't say that she weighs what she does because muscle weighs more then fat, because that is far from the truth. However that is not my main concern, its her health. Do you guys think her health is a concern worth bringing up to her, and is it concern enough to bring up talking to a nutritionist? Once again I am sorry for such a long post and thank you all for responses.

[norajane]

Well, if you want to approach it indirectly, what you can bring up is how her weight is affecting you and your relationship. Tell her it's harming your relationship to be with someone who cries in your arms every 5 minutes about her weight, someone who is constantly anxious and stressed, someone who is miserable and depressed. Tell her you feel helpless to help her, and hate to see her so upset and crying all the time.

 

Suggest that you two work on this by seeing a nutritionist and getting an exercise plan together - that it's better to tackle the problem rather than letting it eat away at your happiness.

[Guest]

"and that 179 is not really a healthy weight for her size" Ok how tall is this girl? 179 isent that large in my opinion and im 5ft4. I think shes haveing such a hard time because of how the people in her life are acting towards her. Look not every one is ment to be a barbie doll. If your not attracted to her then you need to be honest about that and tell her. Sounds like to me shes afraid not to fit the redickulas standards for whats "hot" now adays.

 

The health arguement dosent even come into it for me. Unless a person is morbidly obese and at 179 shes def not. So thats just a lame excuse your going to use to try and justify the fact your girlfriend gained a bit of weight and your not attracted to her any more. Because you want the A typical barbie doll that sociaty can except and embrace. I feel sorry for her theres nothing wrong with her some one needs to tell her that.She cant enjoy the same things she once did?? Give me a break she gained some weight she dident lose a limb for gods sake. You should be telling her how great she is no matter what size she is not helping to add to her loweing self esteem.

[Blue Phoenix]

--"Not because I feel very different about her bigger size"-- *** --"I wouldn't be truthful if I said her weight and size isn't a little bit of a turn off"-- Ummm ok so witch is it?? Or maybe what you actualy mean to say is your ok with it personaly. But dont want to face socieaty with a larger gf on your arm? You realy need to figure out what you honestly want from her. And be fair enough to end it if you arnt attracted to her any more. Now to me 179 isent huge its not even much over weight realy. I mean unless shes like 3ft8 inches tall or something witch I strongly dout. Sounds to me like shes upset and afraid to not fit into what sociaity says is beauity now adays. I think genraly anything over size 5 is hideuos and there must be something majorly wrong with her. Not so and far as the health issues are concerned I think thats a genral blanket statment. Usualy made by people to say that all over weight people are unhealithy not ture at all!! She needs the people in her life to relax and learn how to except and love her no matter what size she is bottem line. And oh yea the yo yo dieting can cause her heart to fail so ide get her off that kick quick if you realy cared about her. But then again I guess its better to be dead then a bit over weight in todays world isent it?

[curiousnycgirl]

Weight is an exceptionally touchy topic, I would tread very lightly here. Especially if her family is giving her grief. My family has done that to me for years, and it has given me a very significant sensitivity to the subject.

 

However if she is crying to you about it, I think she may be opening a window of opportunity. Next time she does - first and foremost tell her you think she is beautiful whatever she weighs - then why not offer to start a walking program with her - since it is bothering HER.

 

Clearly she has suffered from the weight gain that is very typical when someone leaves home/goes off to school. Rather than change her eating habits - suggest she join you in daily walks. That will raise her metabolism, give her more energy, make her feel better and give you two quality time.

 

Also I would tell her parents that if they have something to say to her, they should do so directly - and not ask you to be the middle man. Frankly that was just inappropriate of them!

[LostHeart]

I think her family is almost being unfair in this situation because they're not caring enough to approach her in a friendly manner of it. Don't try to shove her into diets, pills, routines, new habits--first she needs to accept herself before she can change for the better. I know lots of women who struggle with weight gain and such and the ones that actually stop and say, "This is me...I will learn to love this me..." ALWAYS end up losing quite a bit of weight because they no longer are concerned for it. Instead of saying something like, "You eat too much," or, "You head unhealthy things," try to change with her. Eat meals with her and don't allow her to snack as often. I mean, if she's around you quite a bit and you say, "Nah, I don't want any cake...I feel FULL," then maybe she'll rethink it and after awhile maybe she'll cut down on her own.

Stress sounds like a MAJOR factor in her gaining and losing. Stress to look good in front of her parents. Stress that she is embarrassed of her weight now in front of friends in fear that they will make fun of her. Stress of school. And, overall, stress of growing up.

Help her relax with life without food. Help her find relaxing things to DO rather than things to eat. I would not jump the gun and say she has an eating disorder or needs therapy. Honestly, that could make her self-destruct inside, "My boyfriend says I'm fat and he said I need to be in therapy so I must be so fat that my boyfriend is no longer attracted to me and I am, overall, undesirable." At least, that's how I'd feel.

[bab]

--"Not because I feel very different about her bigger size"-- *** --"I wouldn't be truthful if I said her weight and size isn't a little bit of a turn off"-- Ummm ok so witch is it?? Or maybe what you actualy mean to say is your ok with it personaly. But dont want to face socieaty with a larger gf on your arm? You realy need to figure out what you honestly want from her. And be fair enough to end it if you arnt attracted to her any more. Now to me 179 isent huge its not even much over weight realy. I mean unless shes like 3ft8 inches tall or something witch I strongly dout. Sounds to me like shes upset and afraid to not fit into what sociaity says is beauity now adays. I think genraly anything over size 5 is hideuos and there must be something majorly wrong with her. Not so and far as the health issues are concerned I think thats a genral blanket statment. Usualy made by people to say that all over weight people are unhealithy not ture at all!! She needs the people in her life to relax and learn how to except and love her no matter what size she is bottem line. And oh yea the yo yo dieting can cause her heart to fail so ide get her off that kick quick if you realy cared about her. But then again I guess its better to be dead then a bit over weight in todays world isent it?

 

Whoa! That's a bit harsh. It is quite understandable that he isn't as attracted to her as he once was. She's gained almost 60 lbs in their relationship, and he has never said he doesn't love her. Despite all this he still says that she is the woman he wants to marry. Give the guy a break!

 

islandsurfer -- This is something that is bothering your gf quite a bit. I think it is now appropriate that you talk to her about it. Start with something like this: "It bothers me how much you get upset. I can't stand to see you in so much pain. I want to help you. How would you feel about taking up (running, tennis, swimming, hiking, dancing, or some combination) together? I also think it would help if WE talked to a nutritionist to find out how WE could learn to eat better. I love you sooo much and I want to see you smiling again."

 

Something along those lines. I doubt she is going to be super excited about any of this, but if it's really bothering her, then it is appropriate for you to offer help. Make it a team effort and maybe it won't seem as overwhelming to her. Becoming more active and eating healthier is NOT a yo-yo diet. It is something that should become part of your life anyway.

[Kamille]

Whoa! That's a bit harsh. It is quite understandable that he isn't as attracted to her as he once was. She's gained almost 60 lbs in their relationship, and he has never said he doesn't love her. Despite all this he still says that she is the woman he wants to marry. Give the guy a break!

 

islandsurfer -- This is something that is bothering your gf quite a bit. I think it is now appropriate that you talk to her about it. Start with something like this: "It bothers me how much you get upset. I can't stand to see you in so much pain. I want to help you. How would you feel about taking up (running, tennis, swimming, hiking, dancing, or some combination) together? I also think it would help if WE talked to a nutritionist to find out how WE could learn to eat better. I love you sooo much and I want to see you smiling again."

 

Something along those lines. I doubt she is going to be super excited about any of this, but if it's really bothering her, then it is appropriate for you to offer help. Make it a team effort and maybe it won't seem as overwhelming to her. Becoming more active and eating healthier is NOT a yo-yo diet. It is something that should become part of your life anyway.

 

yeah! hear hear! That's exactly what I was thinking. She certainly sounds unhappy about her weight and since she is crying about it in front of you, I think all you have to do is explicitly offer positive support to: 1) help her change her attitude towards the situation by making her feel like you will help her gain control of it (and by that I don't mean help her loose weight but get her off the yo yo weight loss and gain) 2) and by being as invested as her in picking up good health habits.

 

Tell her that it is not her weight that is an issue, but how miserable she is feeling about it.

 

It will probably involve going to go see a nutritionist (since it's free!) who will simply suggest healthy meals and healthy snacks and, of course and more importantly, physical activity.

 

Find stuff that you like doing together. Go for walks and every once in awhile throw in a special activity. Do you enjoy hiking, badmington, skiing?

 

It isn't easy changing one's habits but it's so rewarding and this is something that will stay with the two of you for the rest of your lives!

[curiousnycgirl]

One more thought - while having this discussion, as a way of injecting levity and letting her know you still find her attractive - remind her what great excercise sex is!

[Blue Phoenix]

--"Whoa! That's a bit harsh"-- Yea your right it is a bit harsh but so is how most people treat over weight people infact much harsher then that. Sorry if I came off as trying to attack him that wasent my entention at all. I simply ment that he needs to make up his mind if he is ok with her weight gain or not cuz seamed like hes kinda rideing the fence on it witch isent realy fair to her. The other thing I touched on is that not all over weight people are sickly and unhealthey and need or ignore excersice. But I guess thats just a mith along with many others that will just have to fade out of fashion in time hopefuly. Yes dose sound like this young lady is sad about her size indeed but I cant help but wonder if every one around her dident treat her like a lepor if she would be crying as much? If she honestly wantes to lose weight for her self then great by all means go for it. But im just tired of the world pressing over weight people to eather lose the weight or be looked down on and made fun of its true it is the last great accepted discriminnation..--"I am worried about her health though, due that she has gained a lot of weight, her yo-yo dieting is leaving her constantly heavier"-- Her yo yo dieting right there in his own words. When he says that im takeing it as shes gotten her self caut up in all the fad diets there are out there now adays. Constantly being on diets like these and ganing and loseing weight can and do put excess strain on your heart witch can over time lead to heart failure thats a medical fact..