Bi-sexual husband

[IvoryJo]

My husband finally admitted to me that he is bi-sexual. Now I always knew he was curious but didn't know how far it was really. He has been with a few men although not anally. It has happened on and off throughout our dating and then our marriage. He said he was sick of hiding himself from me and sick of lying and needed to be open with me because he loves me so much. He is my world and well, I can't ever see myself without him. I DO NOT want to share him though. He said he just can't help the attraction and well needs to express it sometimes. He does NOT want a relationship with a man but he talks about maybe finding a friend that he could hang with and maybe more occasionally. I am not sure how I feel about this. I myself have had bi experiences and well it's not the same for me I guess. I can give it up and he has always known about everything I've ever done. Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose him, he is a great man and we have a great sex life, and we have a daughter together. What do I do!? Does anyone think I should well, ignore it and pretend it isn't happening? I told him to tell me when he went out to be with someone but he thinks that would be harder for me. I am soooo confused and need help

 

Also, to my husband it wasn't cheating because he didn't believe himself bi (he couldn't come to terms with it) and other then petting etc, he hasn't done much with another man. He is not into them at ALL emotionally and has come out with everything he's ever done and how he feels at this moment. He never wants to give or receive anal from a guy with helps cut down the STD factor. He tells me everything now and was afraid to tell me before for fear of my reaction. I am still coming to terms with all this and we talk more and more every day, which is helping. He really would just like a guy friend who he can " mess" with occasionally. (I have a female friend similar but we haven't talked in awhile)

[Poboy]

its a tough situation you are in... i think professional counselling is the way to go for you and your husband because this can blow up in your face if you decide to solve this on your terms. there is lot of confusion and mess which would need professional advice to clear up things.

[dame_mas]

What a controversial topic! This must not have come as a shock to you it seems.Spent somet ime, reading an interesting conversation on Bisexuality as a matter of fact. I guess it must have been very hard for you to digest that.You do have similar situations, so I dont think you might find it that hard.. but then comes in the sharing part.. you know he is not completely with you. Honestly, dont have much to tell you...

[llgla]

I'm not too sure how is your case like but if u two agree to each have your own 'other partner' in the end, no offense but frankly, its pretty weird as far as the meaning of marriage is concerned.

 

If you would like to have him as your only partner, maybe you can let him know that you want to be intimate with him only and ask that he can do the same for you.

[CardPlay3r]

Wow, nothing wrong with bisexuality but what he did was cheating, plain and simple.

 

Trying to say it wasn't cheating is a load of bull, it's cheating just a straight husband cheating with another woman....I'm surprised you don't realize that and are so calm about it

[Arabess]

I'm probably going to have the big conservative answer on this....but this is how I feel about it. It doesn't matter if the guy is cheating on you with the same sex or not. It's not about sex anyway. It's all about the intimacy you share and if you are willing to share that intimacy with the same sex, different sex, or your pet goat. The whole 'Bi' thing that people talk about is odd for me. I have no idea what that means in terms of being faithful to the love relationship you are currently in.

Either you are or you aren't.

There is no emotional in-between.

[burning 4 revenge]

If you love your husband you should just let him do it.

[norajane]

Regardless of his sexual orientation, if you agree to him having anyone he wants on the side, then you are agreeing to an open marriage. Is that what you want?

 

Is he sure he's bi and not gay, anyway? Are you sure he's bi and not gay?

[Arabess]

If you love your husband you should just let him do it.

 

EEEKKK! WHY? Does a bi-sexual claim make cheating emotionally any less humiliating or hurtful?

 

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong....but damn...I don't wanna share.

[Rachel_0814p]

I am not sure how I feel about this. ... Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose him, he is a great man and we have a great sex life, and we have a daughter together. What do I do!? Does anyone think I should well, ignore it and pretend it isn't happening?

 

I think the REAL question should be, Is he willing to lose you?

 

For the moment, let's take all of the "juicy" details out of it...the fact that he's into men, that he doesn't considering it "cheating", and perhaps you don't either, and besides, "he's not having anal" blah, blah, etc. ... Let's take all of that unusual, sordid, scandalous stuff, and see what is left.

 

What I see is that you, at this time, are not ok with your partner being sexually physical with another person. And he should respect and honor that if he wants to keep his current relationship with you.

 

If its made clear that ongoing occurences of him being sexually physical with other people is something that will ultimately destroy your relationship, and he's still willing to insist that it's something that he "needs", then he is willing to lose you over it, and that's what you need to focus on in order to make the right decision for you and your child. Whether he thinks its cheating or not is irrelevant.

 

As for ignoring it, please dont! It would only make things worse. I promise you that.

 

First of all, once you become aware of a situation like this, you can't go back to being completely oblivious to it...it just isn't possible. Knowledge like this is always going to be with you, and trying to ignore it will just make you insane with suspicion. Second, if you were to choose ignorance over answers, you'd be relinquishing your right to make decisions for yourself and your family; you'd be surrending your own empowerment to choose your own destiny by giving him the silent nod to go on as he sees fit and to do or engage in any (sexual) behavior that he wants behind your back without consequence. And that is so dangerous! I can't even begin to imagine how a woman would choose to devalue herself in such a way, but I guess it happens... Women with husbands involved in hetero affairs have been looking the other way since the dawn of time. But this is the 21st Century and we are empowered now; we have rights as individuals (in my country, anyway); we have opportunities to think and act for ourselves, and we don't need to rely on a man to take care of us anymore...

 

2 final points:

First, I don't think you should believe him when he claims it's just about sex. If it were just about sex, then your problem would be easier to deal with--just a few visits to a sex therapist a month would help him recover from sex addiction, and he'd start to stay satisfied with having sex with just you. You'd have a real, text-book reason to blame this problem on, totally taking the blame off of him as the perpetrator and you as the enabler. Problem solved!! But I doubt that's be the case. Something much deeper and much more poignant is probably going on.

 

Finally, you need to face it: He wants to be sexual with men, and if he's not already, he will engage in anal sex. It's inevitable.

 

Let me put it this way. Think about teenagers, how experimentation starts with simple kissing. At first, kissing feels amazing! First Base!! But do it enough and it starts to lose it's zest. So you start petting and groping, second base. But then, you get a little bored with that...it's so hard to resist going farther! So, oral sex. Third base!! YEAH! MUCH BETTER. But again, after months of it, oral stimulation gets a little blasse. And there's that taboo act of penetration hanging in the balance. But you know you're not supposed to do it, you know it's the ultimate "sin". So you fight it. And fight it. And fight it some more. But at some point, the urge is just too great! You're blood's rushing and your heart is pulsing and you're suddenly in the throes of passion and it's just happening--HOMERUN--and you don't even know how you got there. In the heat of the moment, that rushed, more likely than not, protection is not used. Again, DANGEROUS.

 

I'm sorry; it must be so hard to work up the courage to stare this thing in the face. I can only imagine how hard its going to get for you, once you really start coming to terms with this.

 

I've dealt with a cheating partner before and all the betrayal and abandonment issues that go with it. No matter how you spin it, recovering from something like this is a hurtful, agonizing period in life that takes a long, long time to heal. You HAVE to get your head on straight. It's going to take a while before the right answer for you becomes clear. But I hope you'll focus on your own needs during this trying time, and not on his, and I hope you'll choose what's right for you, and not what's right for him.

 

Please give us an update. Best of luck.

[Guest]

Just because he's bi-sexual doesn't mean he can't control himself and remain faithful. Yes he WAS cheating. It went on behind your back. He didn't ask your permission beforehand to meet others did he?

 

I will bet there is more that you don't know. RARELY is a spouse given the absolute truth at the beginning. It leaks out slowly.

 

I don't care what he says..protect yourself and get tested for STD's.

 

Now you both need to figure out where you go from here. Can he and does he want to remain faithful? Can you live with it if he says he can't?

[Guest]

My Husband and I are both bi-sexual. We were before we got married and have been faithful to each other for the past 12 years have two children and are very happy.

 

We always kept the lines of communication open and we are both closer to the the straight side of the bell curve, but not completely. It is so unfair the way both straight community and gay community sometimes insist bisexuality is a phase (though it may be for some, many people have some sort of bisexual activity in their lives on one occasion, many occasions, or as a lifestyle) and insist you choose one side or the other for solidarity reason, homophobia, phobia or just their need to label or be able to catergorize you to fit with their own mental framework. It your life and your unique situation. Every person has preferences for sexual behavior, and some people whether gay, straight, bi or anywhere in between both men and women who don't prefer anal sex and probably never will. Where others do.

 

With regard to the cheating situation. It would be if you guys made an agreement/had an understanding and he broke that. If you have an open marriage and agree to the terms in which you are to engage with other, and follow it, and our honest when ask. Then it can't be cheating. But if you agreed to be commited, and had the understanding that you would only be with each other in every sense. Then did something else, then it is. What type of engagement petting, kissing,......if it was not what you agreed upon it's cheating.

 

However that doesn't mean that it can't be recoverable, and that you may be feel less offended by some behavior then you would others. That being said, I think that you are on the right track b/c he did come clean before it was past a point of no return. At least that's they way you sounded in your original post.

 

I realize you situation is unique to you. But I wanted to let you know in some aspects where you are not alone. My husband and I have decided and are now acting on something we had discussed and agreed upon before we got married. We have started to search for couple for a continuous friendship where both partner are bi, and honest. After sometime we are hoping that they would be to have a commited relationship. Meaning they, as we would be primary partners to each other but also share their lives, friendship, and intimacies with us, and us alone.

 

Here is where the diffuculty lies. That's not really swinging yet is not just friendship. It's a difficult search.

 

You and your husband have to decide, what it is you would be both be comfortable, come to and understanding/agreement and then do that, as long as communication is there and stays open in honest, and it's what you really want you will be fine. It's great having the love of a good person, someone who is supportive, someone you can be yourself with and cares about your feelings and you give the same in return. I see hope b/c you two, even though the start was rocky and there were some pitfuls seem to be going in right direction, let's you paths continue to be on the same road. Good wishes to both of you.

[Guest]

I knew my husband was bi-sexual before were were married. We both agreed he would not be with a man unless I was involved with the meeting. I found out he cheated on me with a man when he tested positive for Syphillis. Imagine my surprise, horror, sadness and anger. I love my husband probably about as much as you love yours. We have 4 kids (mine, his and ours) that live with us, a house, and alot of things involved to just quit the relationship.

 

I have decided I cant and wont trust him anymore. That is just the way it is. I dont trust a single thing he says. Terrible to say but is true. He still constantly looks at pics of men online and talks about men in a sexual way. Right after I found out he had the balls to say he had some guys that would be interested in being with the both of us.

 

I like you didn't know what was going to be my next step and I have to tell you it still hurts very bad. The way I am dealing with it is for now, giving him alot of anal pleasure. Acting as a "man". We recently bought a double sided dildo so I can perform anal sex on him. I dont know if this is going to work forever. But for me it is worth it right now.

 

Where this will lead I can only hope to me trusting him more and not assuming he is doing things behind my back. I realize that even though he only admitted to the one time cheating he has been cheating on me in the past. And you should realize the same thing. Men will only admit to what they get cornered into admiting.

 

He tried to tell me he got syphillis from a port-o-let. and consistantly lied about the affair until an STD Counselor got involved. My husband suggested marriage counseling. I am not sure if that is the answer. I think it just might take time to build trust back if that will ever happen. My kids and their well being are the most important thing to me.

 

Not him and and his need to be sexual with a man. So that is what I am trying to focus on. I hope this helps you and maybe you can email back and let me know how things have turned out for you.

Kat