"Honey... am I FAT?" .. what's your answer to that?

[cutegirl]

LOL, this thread is not about you or how flat your derriere is. You need to get over yourself because you're missing the whole point of this thread.

 

The point, reiterated for our slower audience, is that IMO when you're in love with somebody you should always look for beauty in that person, regardless of your own personal tastes that you had prior to meeting them. Yes I tend to be on the romantic/idealistic side, so this is why I was looking for other people's opinions. For example, my ex used to be a bit overweight (if we compare him to the standard), but he was always beautiful to me no matter what, and I still loved and adored his body. The same goes for skinny people.. If a man who for example usually prefers to go out with women that have lots of curves and are very feminine, might not appreciate somebody who's below 100 pounds and looks like she could be broken in half with one hand... But if he's in love with the girl I think that he should just automatically adore her body regardless of his preferences..

 

How the girl feels about her own body doesn't always match the guy's preferences either. Some girls like to keep their bodies athletic, while some guys love curvy girls. Some girls love to have some curves, while some guys prefer their women very thin. But that's on a superficial level. I think when you love somebody you barely notice their physical appearance anymore because you get used to them. This is why I think that the guy's own "preferences" about appearance should fade and eventually he should just have the "you're beautiful to me no matter what" attitude.

 

I am not slow sweetie, I merely stated that I would not need to worry about weight issues because I'm naturally thin. You replied immediately stating that I must be a "stick". I might be compared to really overweight people, but in general I look rather good, even if I do say so myself.

 

Sorry but I find your ideas to be too idealistic for the real world. I think a lot of men become become unhappy when their wives/girlfriends gain weight and don't appear to have any interest in keeping up their appearances. You only have to read the threads on here from men with topics of "My wife gained weight and I am no longer interested in sex" etc...

 

When you meet someone you fall in love with that person at that moment. If they change drastically and that does include appearances as well, then I think it is unrealistic to expect that person to still be attracted to you. Looks is not everything of course, but it is still important nonetheless. For example, if a man met you when you were thin and you gain 50 lbs, he surely can't be to blame if he's no longer sexually attracted to you. Sexual attraction is also very important in a relationship.

 

I feel that by asking the question "Am I fat" you are setting yourself up. You want to hear the truth but you cannot handle the truth. If your man thinks you are overweight would you rather have him lie to you and tell you that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever met? And when he tells you the truth you get upset but the fact is that you asked him for the truth.

 

Obviously you want your man to perceive you as "better than average" as you stated but sounds to me like your man doesn't see you that way. I'm just being honest.

 

If your guy doesn't find you extremely beautiful you can't expect him to lie.

[cutegirl]

And this has nothing to do with unrealistic expectations of the media of how women need to look. I feel this applies to both sexes. If a guy gains weight a woman also reserves the right to not be attracted to him anymore.

 

You can't force attraction. If he thought you were super attractive he probably would have said so. Of course curvy women can be attractive, but the fact that he doesn't acknowledge this fact probably means that he doesn't find you the ideal beauty in terms of physical appearance.

[cutegirl]

In your case then, the appropriate question to ask would be "Honey..... Do I look like a stick man?"

 

I am not insecure in my looks to the point where I have to badger my bf with pointless questions. I already know I look good and he knows it too. And I don't need to ask him questions like this in order to get compliments from him... He tells me I'm the most beautiful without me having to fish for it....

[princessa]

I am not slow sweetie, I merely stated that I would not need to worry about weight issues because I'm naturally thin.

 

People who are secure about their appearance generally don't need to pop into "am I fat" threads for the sole purpose of stating that they are not. I was merely stating that your contribution to this thread was null.

 

Sorry but I find your ideas to be too idealistic for the real world. I think a lot of men become become unhappy when their wives/girlfriends gain weight and don't appear to have any interest in keeping up their appearances. You only have to read the threads on here from men with topics of "My wife gained weight and I am no longer interested in sex" etc...

 

You're missing the point here again. We're not talking about neglecting one's appearance and letting yourself go once you're in a relationship.......

 

When you meet someone you fall in love with that person at that moment. If they change drastically and that does include appearances as well, then I think it is unrealistic to expect that person to still be attracted to you. Looks is not everything of course, but it is still important nonetheless. For example, if a man met you when you were thin and you gain 50 lbs, he surely can't be to blame if he's no longer sexually attracted to you. Sexual attraction is also very important in a relationship.

 

....... and we're not talking about anything drastic such as gaining 50 pounds or being remotely obese or overweight. We're talking about people with normal BMI here.

 

I feel that by asking the question "Am I fat" you are setting yourself up. You want to hear the truth but you cannot handle the truth. If your man thinks you are overweight would you rather have him lie to you and tell you that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever met? And when he tells you the truth you get upset but the fact is that you asked him for the truth.

 

Obviously you want your man to perceive you as "better than average" as you stated but sounds to me like your man doesn't see you that way. I'm just being honest.

 

If your guy doesn't find you extremely beautiful you can't expect him to lie.

 

My man generally finds me very attractive, and yes, way above average. Why? Because generally I have my sh*t together, and yes, most guys will agree with him on that. The problem that I've identified is that he in particular seems to be a bit pickier about the naked body, which is stupid because then he is holding me up to unrealistic standards. I mean if you truly think size 8 is FAT you have issues. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I wouldn't say that it's unworthy of a compliment either.

[princessa]

Actually now that I think about it he wa generally not very expressive and he was never very big on compliments... But I got lots of mixed messages from him... Sometimes he'd avoid the question as stated at the beginning of the thread, at other times he'd tell me he likes curves and certain parts of my body... I guess then he did find beauty in me, but couldn't lie to me about the imperfections either..... I think the lack of compliments from him and knowing that he held me up to unrealistic standards just made me generally insecure... Hence these questions and being pissed off at the answers. I've never been this insecure around other guys because nobody ever complained about my looks and I always got tons of compliments.

[princessa]

I am not insecure in my looks to the point where I have to badger my bf with pointless questions. I already know I look good and he knows it too. And I don't need to ask him questions like this in order to get compliments from him... He tells me I'm the most beautiful without me having to fish for it....

 

Well not all men are as expressive as your boyfriend and that has nothing to do with looks. Like I said, I always got tons of compliments from every guy except him. With him I'd get one or two direct ones, and the rest I really have to look for the hidden meanings and read between the lines to realize that he really is attractive to me because he will never admit it straight up. And yes, I bet even somebody like you who has a big ego would go crazy with a guy like that after a couple of years. I never was insecure about my looks. I'm still not insecure.. but I'm insecure around him specifically.

[Jeffrey]

Since I would only date a large woman, my answer would be: No, You're large and in charge.

[princessa]

Since I would only date a large woman, my answer would be: No, You're large and in charge.

 

IM NOT LARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jeffrey]

No sense of humor either eh?

 

IM NOT LARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[princessa]

Perhaps you need to step your comedy up a notch.

[tommyr]

For example, if a man met you when you were thin and you gain 50 lbs, he surely can't be to blame if he's no longer sexually attracted to you. Sexual attraction is also very important in a relationship.

 

Amen sister! I have never spoken a word to my wife about her weight gain but believe me it has nearly killed my attraction for her. I am working HARD to overcome this, silently.

 

If ever she asks "honey... am I FAT" you can believe she will hear the truth (in as loving way as possible).

 

Ladies: if you ask this question, its unfair to resent his honest response (good or bad)

[princessa]

So what happens if the guy's honest opinion is holding you up to unreasonable standards? I mean he's still being honest right... you can be honest and moronic at the same time...

[tommyr]

To me, Reasonable Standards for controllable elements of one's appearance (ie, weight) are largely established at the time a relationship begins. It would be moronic for me to complain about (using health insurance jargon) pre-existing conditions of weight or anything really.

 

My view on this matter changes entirely when there is a large deviation from the reasonable standard established at Day#1 of relationship.

[Mustang Sally]

So what happens if the guy's honest opinion is holding you up to unreasonable standards?

 

Then I think you have to decide if those are standards of comparison that you are comfortable living with. They may be unrealistic (hey - we can't all be Victoria's Secret Models), but I'm not convinced that you can fairly expect him to change his thoughts. Even if they are chauvanistic and moronic.

 

Of course, maybe with time he'll change of his own accord?

...yeah, right!

[Unbeleivable]

Yes, and it pisses me off that he held me up to the "miss size half zero" popular stardard of beauty. It's ridiculous that you're not able to find your SO attractive just because they don't look like the cover of Vogue. And if he DID find me fat, but still attractive, he just could've said something like "you look amazing and that's all that counts"... Instead he made it sound like I was just average to his eyes and 'good enough'.

 

Ok Ms. Lets-Bash-Society...look at your avatar lately?

 

 

My point is that when it comes to your partner, it shouldn't matter if they're FAT or ugly, to your eyes, they should always be perfect and beautiful. And that's what should be voiced when questions like that come up.

 

I'll tell you what. If I am attracted to a girl, and I start a relationship and she blows up like a blimp, I might very well lose interest in her. Did I lose interest in her because I'm shallow and can't look past just looks? No. I lost interest because letting yourself become fat and unhealthy shows a lack of self respect, and if you don't respect yourself, what do you respect?

 

Besides, asking your spouse if they think you are fat is like, the most retarded question in the world. It just screams insecurity. Thats like, common sense. Maybe you'll say "Oh hunny, I feel so fat." or something, which is something my ex-gf would say, but I always responded with "Shut up you're perfect, now git nekkid!" I mean, er, well you get the point.

[dropdeadlegs]

Maybe you'll say "Oh hunny, I feel so fat." or something, which is something my ex-gf would say, but I always responded with "Shut up you're perfect, now git nekkid!" I mean, er, well you get the point.

Hehe. Are you my boyfriend? You sound like him, and I think he might misspell unbelievable. (I had noticed the misspelling on day one, but I love that you can laugh at yourself. My BF can do that too and it's so attractive and endearing.)

 

I admit that I have gained weight during my relationship and I have issues with it even though by medical standards I am completely within the healthy guidelines. But I'm flabby, especially in the abdominal are and I felt better about my appearance, and ultimately myself in general, when I was thinner. I absolutely intend to do something about this with my next grocery store visit. No more chips and high calorie dinners. Healthier lower fat meats and vegetables. Lots of carrots to crunch on. No sodas, no beer, and definitely more consumption of water.

 

My BF has never said a word about my weight and doesn't feel that my 15 pound gain is in any way "fatness." All he ever tells me is how beautiful and sexy I am, but I used to feel beautiful and sexy and now I don't. Only I can change that.

[princessa]

Okay from now on I will not respond to posts mentioning either "obese" or anything about drastic changes because that's not what I'm talking about and I'm tired of repeating myself. Thanks.

[princessa]

My BF has never said a word about my weight and doesn't feel that my 15 pound gain is in any way "fatness." All he ever tells me is how beautiful and sexy I am, but I used to feel beautiful and sexy and now I don't.

 

You're lucky. I suspect that if my bf was ever expressive about these things I would've never had to ask in the first place.. Even if I do feel beautiful and sexy myself... when he's not around.

[dropdeadlegs]

You're lucky. I suspect that if my bf was ever expressive about these things I would've never had to ask in the first place.. Even if I do feel beautiful and sexy myself... when he's not around.

Yes, I am fortunate. I know it's easier said than done, but find yourself a BF that does express this to you. I don't know how I survived so long without one! My self esteem has improved greatly, and not because he constantly feeds my ego or anything, it's just because he does vocalize in this respect and I feel like he means it, too. That is probably because everything else is so good between us.

 

I could go on and on trying to explain, but it's pretty simple; it's very rewarding in all ways to be in what has to be the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Lots of positives, so few negatives.

 

It's good to have a healthy self esteem, but an occasional stroke of one's ego by a loved one certainly feels good.

[tommyr]

Okay from now on I will not respond to posts mentioning either "obese" or anything about drastic changes because that's not what I'm talking about and I'm tired of repeating myself. Thanks.

 

Sorry I really dont want to be annoying. I honestly cannot figure out why anyone who is neither obese nor drastically changed would even ASK a question like "honey...am I FAT?"

 

To me, thats a nonsense question. If someone gains 15 pounds but they are OK at their new weight, they wouldn't even think about being fat or ask their SO. If they are thinking about fatness and/or asking their SO this suggests they are uncomfortable about their weight and should either diet or work harder to accept the larger size... neither involves asking SO for "permission"

[crazy_grl]

Since I've never asked a guy whether he thinks I'm fat, but have dated some guys who didn't have perfect bodies and can more easily picture them asking me this question than me asking it to them, I'm going to address it from that perspective.

 

If I were seeing a guy who was not in the best shape, and he asked me, "Do you think I'm fat?' my answer would either be that I do think he'd benefit from some time at the gym or it would be a lie.

 

Now if he were to ask, "are you attracted to me?" that question would result in a completely different answer. I would not be dating someone I wasn't attracted to. Just because he might not have six pack abs doesn't mean I don't find him attractive.

 

princessa, you were setting the guy up. You already said he told you something about liking you curvy. That wasn't good enough for you? You admit that you're curvy. Did you want him to lie and say you look like a super model?

 

If you want him to compliment you more, tell him you want him to compliment you more. Don't toss him in the "Do you think I'm fat?" trap.

[magichands]

Do you think I'm fat?

[crazy_grl]

Do you think I'm fat?

 

Well, by human (and penguin) standards, you are packing a few... no, MANY extra pounds.

 

Just face it, you're fat. Obese.

 

But as far as pink elephants go, you're a stick. Eat something already. I feel like I might break you in half.

[Jeffrey]

Ok how about: Of course you are, I've seen you naked so stop blaming the clothes!

 

Perhaps you need to step your comedy up a notch.

[VinaAmez]

Ok how about: Of course you are, I've seen you naked so stop blaming the clothes!

 

:laugh:

 

I like "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" "No your butt does." :laugh: