Should I leave him???

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Please help! I dont really know what to do... I'm afraid this is a VERY LONG POST! Please jump to the bottom if you dont want all the details and my ranting.

I am in my very first relationship, and I mean first- first everything, i've never dated anyone else, kissed anyone except one guy drunkenly in a club who i never saw again, never had sex with anyone else, never really had many male friends before my boyfriend cos I went to a girls school. He and i have been together for more than a year now and i really love him. We get along so well, have loads of similar interests and ideals, can talk to each other easily about whatever and we both trust each other. The problem is that cos he's 18 yrs older than me (the age gap isnt a problem for either of us), he has had loads of girlfriends before me. While most of the time i can deal with it, i have had brief patches in the past when it has hurt. However, the last month or two it has been driving me crazy, i've had such problems coping with it. When this period started, after I'd had a really bad day with it, I told him how i was feeling. He was nice about it, he understood and said that he didnt like to see me upset about it. The next day i was feeling a bit better, not 100%, but a lot happier and he thought i was ok. We were in the car with a friend and he said something about his last ex and i snapped at him, i cant remember what exactly, but something like, u knew firsthand she was a woman, and he, taking it as a joke, turned and said with a big grin on his face, well i did peek you know! It hurt so much cos i'd only told him the previous night how bad i was feeling and shes the one i get most jealous over. he saw the look on my face tho and was instantly sorry. hes really not a bad guy, even if that example makes him seem insensitive, hes really not but because hes had so much experience and is comfortable with sex and stopped getting jealous over girlfriends' exes years ago, sometimes he makes jokes or says something that he himself wouldnt care if i said, but that puts bad images in my head or reminds me of other girls hes slept with.

Only one other girl hes been with lasted longer than i have, she was years ago and all the others either dumped him, were dumped by him, cheated on him or left the country. so i know i should feel better than them all cos hes stayed with me so much longer and is still keen. i know he really cares for me, hes even told me he can see us getting married. i just dont know why i cant get the others out of my mind! If i had the choice, i'd erase them all from his past so he's only have been with me and there'd be no occasion for me to feel jealous. obviously i cant. Its not even all of them, its the last two. My boyfriend has had girlfriends from all over the world, hes not racist!! But his last two were both german, and because they're the two i focus on and hate most, i feel like he has a thing about germans even tho he doesnt! i myself am half greek! but everytime i hear anything to do with germans or germany, i think of them and i hate it, esp when HE's said something about germany even if its only about cars or german friends he knows who are blokes! I hate the idea that i'm becoming racist because of it, cos i have a lovely german penfriend and studied german until i came to uni because i liked it, yet now i feel anger and pain every time i hear anything about it. Its ridiculous! I think i focus on these two rather than others because the 1st one was only here for her year abroad at uni- why would he go out with her and let himself get close to her when he knew that she'd be gone by the end of the year? They parted amicably and still keep in touch (something else that goads on my jealousy), but she wasnt amazing enough for him to follow her, he just let her go. But i know that she slept in the bed where i sleep with him and thats so hard to deal with. I know other girls have too, like his chinese girlfriend, but they dont really bother me, i just hate the fact that this girl has. The other one, the one before me, cheated on him so he broke up with her cos hes v big on fidelity (a reason why i dont get jealous about other girls around now- only those in the past- stupidly!). She just seems to me to be the biggest whore! The year before he met me, he spent a year in japan and halfway through, she moved in next door to him. They got close VERY quickly and started seeing each other after hardly any time had passed. Her ex boyfriend was there at the time as well though, so there she was, just moved to a new country and almost instantly, in the face of a guy she used to sleep with, she just starts shagging her next door neighbour, and then after 5 or 6 months, as soon as he goes home again, even though they're still together, she gets drunk and shags someone else! How could he fall for someone like that? I just dont understand how he could so easily fall into bed with someone he barely knows! I guess cos i've had so little experience, i just cant understand how someone can be so intimate with and vulnerable in front of someone they've only just met. Is sex so easy? I know he was in it for the relationship, not just sex, but i cant get my head round it. I slept with him quite quickly but i'd known him for almost a year before we got together and i dont think i would have with someone my own age, i just trusted him with me. I just hate to think that he found her so amazing that as soon as they met he thought she was gorgeous and funny and clever and great and he had to be with her.

I know i've been ranting a lot, so thanks for sticking with it so far, i just feel i've been holding all these thoughts and feelings in so long with noone to talk to and i had to get them out. What i need help with is this: I love him and somedays i feel like i can cope with my jealousy and push it away, but somedays it hurts so much i feel like screaming and crying, i feel like i cant go on like this, i just want it to stop. On days like that i seriously consider leaving him. I dont want to, because i really do love him, i dont want to make a stupid mistake and lose a fantastic guy just because i'm ridiculously jealous that he felt close to other girls in the past and cared about them enough to make love to them. He is with me now, not them, so there must be something more special about me than them since he has shown no indication that he doesnt want to be with me anymore. I shouldnt be jealous anyway cos i have slept with him and if i broke up with him, our future partners will have to deal with the fact that we have slept together and loved each other. I really dont want to hurt him, he has been hurt so many times in the past and when we got together, at first he wasnt sure if we should cos of the big age gap and because he didnt want to get hurt again. What should i do?? Should i leave a man i love because i cant cope with his past or should i put up with the bad days because for most of our relationship i have been fine and we have had some really good times together? If i can just get past this now, maybe it'll be fine in the future. Before this latest period of jealousy, it had been months since it had bothered me, even if i thought about him in bed with them, it was ok.

I have read a lot of other posts on this board about restrospective jealousy and some of the suggestions made to deal with it have helped, there have been days when i have managed to think rationally and dig myself out of the depression, but the thoughts, the knowledge that so many other girls have been with my boyfriend still lurks in the back of my mind. I just want it to stop so i can get on and enjoy my relationship and not blame or feel angry with my boyfriend because he has been grown up enough to get close to people and take a risk on love when my whole life i have been too shy and scared to let anyone near me. I dont want to make him feel bad for having had previous relationships when most normal people have done the same thing!

 

Please help me! Especially if any of you have been in similar situations.